


Stumbling through the Dark

by harmonyangeldreamer



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Death, F/M, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Instability, Near Death, Psychotic Episodes, Sickfic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-09-22 06:14:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 159,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9587636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harmonyangeldreamer/pseuds/harmonyangeldreamer
Summary: Niall finds himself experiencing a collection of small niggling health problems. They irritate  him but don't worry him. After all, they are just random problems, nothing serious, so he ignores them until he is forced to look at the wider issue.This is a Niall Horan sickfic. He's my favourite One Direction member though I love them all.





	1. Prologue: Smoke Gets in Your Eyes.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DustStorm96](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DustStorm96/gifts).



Niall peered out into the mist, trying to see just where his golf ball had ended up. Even though the mist was heavy, Niall was determined to play a round of golf. It had been ten weeks since he'd been able to do so but now the boot protecting his fractured foot was off and he was fully mobile once more. He was anxious to see if it really was fully healed. Damn, he could see nothing. Sighing, he grabbed his bag of clubs and trudged off into the gloom in search of the elusive ball.

The mist had cleared slightly as Niall moved downwards and he spotted his ball on the green. He grinned when he saw it's location wasn't too far from the flag marking the hole. He lined up his shot carefully then stopped and squinted at the ball. His vision blurred. He blinked rapidly to see if that helped then looked again. Still blurred. He rubbed his right eye and realised it felt sore. Must have some grit or something in it, he thought. He screwed that eye shut and, looking with just his left eye, he took the putt. There was a satisfying clunk as the ball dropped obligingly into the hole. Niall grinned in delight before retrieving it and preparing his next shot.

Niall finally completed the course then went into the club locker rooms to shower and change before heading home. He, Liam and Louis were meeting up later to go clubbing at a new place Liam had found that he reckoned could be a good replacement for his beloved 'Funky Buddha'. Niall stared into the mirror at his face. His right eye looked red and puffy and it felt really sore. His vision wasn't too good. Niall tried to think if he had gotten something in it but didn't recall any problems. He certainly hadn't banged his face either. His eyebrows drew together as he thought back as to what might be causing it. Louis and Liam ! Of course. He , Louis and had been clubbing together last night and Niall had unaccustomedly had accompanied them out the back of the club when they went to smoke. That was it, he remembered he'd got a lot of smoke into his face. No wonder his eye was sore. He was lucky it was just the one eye!. Mystery solved, Niall finished showering and dressing and headed out. The problem with his eye temporarily forgotten.

"Hey Basil" Niall greeted his bodyguard as he slid into the passenger side of his Range Rover. Niall hadn't really felt like driving through the heavy mist so he was glad to leave that to Basil. He absentmindedly lifted his right hand and rubbed his sore eye. It had started irritating him again having given him a brief respite while he was in the shower. Basil glanced at him and enquired what the problem was. Niall just brushed it off as just a minor irritation in his eye. Basil thought for a moment or to then said he'd pull over at the nearest pharmacy. He suggested that maybe getting some eyedrops would help sooth the eye and put paid to the soreness. 

"Here" Basil threw a small paper bag into Niall's lap. "The pharmacist recommended these. There's an Optic bath solution and also some eye drops. He said that should do the trick but to see your doctor if it doesn't improve" Niall rolled his eyes, as if he'd go to his doctor just because on of his bandmates had blown smoke in his eyes. Anyway, this stuff would do the trick and he'd probably be back to normal by tomorrow. He'd just avoid the smokers, it was that easy.


	2. Everything Points To……………….

Niall struggled out of bed and headed down to the kitchen. He'd slept all night but he still felt exhausted. His right eye wasn't getting any better either. Maybe I'm just run down, he thought. After all, five years almost constant touring was bound to have had an effect. He rubbed his sore eye again. Right, he decided, time to take more care with nutrition, get himself really fit and healthy. Proper food and a good exercise regime, that's what's needed. That decided, Niall got together the ingredients for a healthy breakfast smoothie. Once everything was assembled, he went to start the blender. Sh*t! He cussed loudly as he knocked it off the counter top onto the floor. Clumsy, clumsy! Niall got down on the floor to clear up the mess. 

"Thank you Mr Horan. We'll see you this afternoon at 2pm" Niall thanked the receptionist and made a note of his appointment time on pad next to the phone. He'd not had his eyes checked for years so maybe now was the time and he's also be able to find out the cause of his eye problem. Niall turned to walk into his sitting room, cursing quietly as he over balanced. God, he was getting clumsy. He was more stable on his feet after a few pints of beer than he was today. He flopped down on the couch and turned the TV on, flipping through channels looking for some sport to watch. Finally, he settled on some footie and was soon engrossed in the game, his eye and his clumsiness forgotten.

Niall's opthamologist, Dr Mark James, pushed his chair back and switched the lights back on. He then carefully studied the digital retinal photographs of Niall's eyes, his eyebrows pulled tightly together. Niall waited quietly. He could see what the man was looking at but it made no sense to him. Finally Mark looked up at Niall with a very serious look on his face.

"Niall, I want you to make an appointment with your Physician as early as possible please. Your Optic nerve is very inflamed and you really need to have this checked out more extensively."

"Is it serious?" Niall asked nervously, playing with his fingers as he looked from Mark then back to his hands.

"It might be nothing, it might be something. My level of expertise only extends so far so I am recommending that further investigation is done. I'm probably being over cautious but just for my peace of mind, as well as your own, I'd rather you got this checked. Do you want me to ring through now and make the appointment?"

"I guess so" Niall shrugged. He was feeling a little panicked by Mark's suggestion this was done promptly. After all, it was just a sore , puffy eye. Maybe just a bit of infection., nothing to be that concerned about surely?

"If you'll just pop out and finish off the paperwork with my secretary, I'll just make that appointment for you." Standing up he shook Niall's hand then opened the door for him so Niall could go through. He shut the door behind his patient and immediately picked up the phone to place the call.

"Dr Beck's Office"

"Hi Sandra, it's Mark. Is Emily free? I need to speak to her rather urgently"

"She is, actually. I'll just put you through"

"Mark, how are you? What can I do for you today? Sandra said it was rather urgent ?"

"Em, Hi. I'm great thanks. And yes it is rather urgent. It's about one of your patients, Niall Horan. "

"Niall? He's lovely. I haven't seen him for over a year now. He's always away on tour. What's the problem?

"He came in for a sight test and has a very sore and inflamed eye. I took the usual retinal photographs and it shows that his optic nerve is very inflamed and distorted slightly. It doesn't look too good. The vision in that eye is very bad, to the point I'd say he's blind. He seemed a little clumsy ,that might be connected to the sight problem but then, I don't want to think it but my mind is wandering to problems that are more than sight related. I really need you to see him , and very soon"

"Sent him straight around if he can make it. I'm not liking what I am hearing and I think both of us are thinking on the same lines. The sooner we see him, the sooner we can find out whats happening. And let's hope we are both wrong. 

""I'll do that now then, thanks Em" Mark hung up and walked out to join Niall who was gently flirting with his secretary.

"Niall, Dr Beck say you can pop over now, if you can. Get this checked and then you can get on with your day"

Niall shrugged and said he'd do just that but grumbled all the way back to his car, moaning about Doctors constantly worrying about silly things. He probably had pink eye or something silly. What a waste of time. He climbed into his Range Rover and squinted slightly to improve his vision. Better go get this over with.

When Niall arrived at the doctor's office, he was immediately greeted by the nurse who took him straight back into an examination room. He was given strict instructions to undress and put on a gown. Niall instantly started whining at her "Oh come on, do I have to? It's only my eye I'm here about"

"Dr Beck's request Mr Horan. She hasn't seen you for over a year. She'll probably give you a full check up as you are here. Now, I'll be back in a few minutes" .The nurse went out leaving Niall to get ready, muttering under his breath the whole time. Once he was undressed and in the gown, the nurse reappeared and checked Niall's height and weight which she recorded before going onto his blood pressure. "I'll just take some blood from you now". Niall quickly looked away as he was no fan of needles."Right all done. Dr Beck will be with you shortly."

Niall sat on the examination couch, swinging his legs as he quickly text Liam to see if he fancied coming over to watch a few movies. Liam had recently broken up with his long term girlfriend and Niall was keen to support him and help keep him busy. He looked up and smiled at his doctor as she entered the room, before switching off his phone and giving himself up to be poked and prodded.

It seemed like it took hours and Niall was beginning to feel very fractious. The doctor was very thorough and asked a great many questions. Niall answered them all but was beginning wonder when she would run out of questions. Half of them seemed so totally random, he wondered what the point of them really was. Finally she finished and told Niall he could get dressed and that she would talk to him when he was ready.

"OK Niall, I've given you a good going over today. I'm glad that you are able to have a break now as you are rather run down. The rest will do you good." Dr Beck paused for a moment, she hated what she'd have to say next. "Niall, Mark rang me and asked me to see you urgently because he felt there was a possibility that you were suffering from something far more serious than a simple eye infection. Following my examination of you, I am regretfully having to agree with him that this is the case. I'm going to refer you to a Neurologist as I believe they will be the ones to confirm my suspicions."

Niall just looked at her , open mouthed. If it wasn't an eye infection, what the fck could it be. And what was a neurologist? He felt cold and shaky. He tried to pull his scattered thoughts together so he could ask what was wrong but nothing was coming out of his mouth. His mind went blank.

"Niall, I could be very wrong, and I really hope I am, but everything points to you having......

Niall blacked out.


	3. We can control it, but………..

Niall slowly came around to find himself on the floor, in the recovery position. The doctor was knelt down beside him while a fan directed cool air onto him. He sat up groggily. "M'sorry" he murmured "don't know what happened". Dr Beck smiled down at him and said the fact he had just forgotten to breath was a contributory factor. After checking he was feeling less dizzy, she helped him up and sat down in his chair once more before giving him a drink of cool water.

"Usually people faint after the possible diagnosis, not before. You got ahead of yourself, there, Niall" . the doctor quipped. "Seriously, are you up to talking now?" 

"Yeah, let's get this done. I don't think I'm going to like this" Niall spoke nervously.

"First Niall, this is not a confirmed diagnosis. I'll need you to see a Consultant who is the one who can best give the correct answers. This may be nothing serious but it also may be. That's why I'd like you to see a Neurologist who can do the necessary tests"

"But you think it is serious, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. The things I noticed during your examination and also from the answers you gave to my questions, I am 99% sure that you have developed a neurological condition. But, as I said, I am a general practitioner, and no expert in this field. There are several possible causes, some minor, some more serious. It will be the Neurology department that will be able to provide us both with the answers.

"99%.. that sounds like you are very sure, to me" Niall murmured. "Just what do you think I have?"

I'm sorry, Niall, so sorry, but I think you have Multiple Sclerosis, often just referred to as 'MS'.

"What's that" Niall was puzzled, "I've heard of it but don't know what it is"

"Well, in simple terms, it is an autoimmune condition . That's when the body's defence system attacks the body instead. Your balance, vision and movement problems are the early symptoms of the disease."

"But you can cure it, just take medication and stuff, can't you?" Niall said fighting down his increasing panic.

"No Niall. We can help control it but there is no cure. There are a few types of MS. Some can go into remission and may only steadily get worse before going into remission again. Another type will just continually progress. We need you to see that neurologist to first determine it is MS and then, if it is, what type ."

"But what if it gets worse the whole time. What happens?" Niall's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Niall, first we need to get you seeing the neurologist. I know this is a lot to take in and, as I said, it's only a possibility you have it. I know it's a very strong possibility but let's take this step by step. Try not to worry about the worst case scenario until we have all the facts. I'll get onto this right away so you should be able to see someone by the end of this week." She smiled sympathetically at the young man before her. He was in an obvious state of shock. "Do you want me to ring someone for you? It might be best if you got someone to drive you home"

"No, no. I'm OK. I just want time to think this through on my own."

"Are you sure? I really think......." 

Niall cut her off with a shake of his head. He just wanted to be alone. After bidding her a quiet goodbye, he slowly walked to his car. Just how had a sore eye turned into this disaster. How had he got this illness and just what was going to happen? Niall climbed into his car and rested his forehead on the steering wheel. His phone suddenly bleeped, pulling him out of his daze. He looked at the caller...Harry...then rejected the call. The phone bleeped again, and Niall turned his phone off. He wasn't ready to talk to anyone. He just wanted to be alone and as far away from here as possible.He turned the key in the ignition and, as the engine roared to life, drove out of the Medical centre parking lot, travelling aimlessly, not caring where he was heading.

Niall drove around for hours. If you asked him where he'd been, he'd have been unable to say. Only part of his mind had really been on his driving. It was only as darkness fell and he was struggling to see properly,that he turned the car back towards his home. The lights were on when he finally pulled up into his driveway signifying that his cousin was home. Niall sat there trying to control his emotions before slowly getting out of the car and letting himself into his hallway. He threw his keys into the bowl on the hall table. Little things, all normal things but there was possibly never going to be normal again. He sighed quietly and pinning a smile on his face, when to say hello to Willie.

"Ni, where have you been? I've had Harry phoning me every five minutes because he hasn't been able to reach you.. Harry said your phone was turned off. He's been worried."

"Battery died, I must have forgot to charge it. I'll give him a call in a bit."

"But you've been gone hours, Ni"

"I met a friend, lost track of time" Niall lied quickly. He just hoped Willie would take it at face value as he wasn't good at lying.

"OK" Willie replied but something about Niall's demeanour didn't fit in with someone who had just spent time with a friend. Niall was smiling but his eyes were dead. Tired maybe? Willie wondered. After all, he'd only just finished a gruelling eight month tour. That must be it, he was tired. Niall then seemed to confirm it by saying that he was heading to bed as he was exhausted and that he'd see Willie in the morning. With a casual wave of his hand, Niall went slowly upstairs to his bedroom.

After showering, Niall propped himself up against his headboard and powered up his laptop. He started to search the internet for everything he could find on Multiple sclerosis. Hour after hour , he scrolled through information, getting more and more panicked as he read. Finally he pushed his laptop aside and dropped his head into his hands. He didn't know how he was going to deal with this. He wished now that he hadn't researched it. All his mind could focus on was the worst things that could happen. What was he going tell his family? The lads? Silent tears slid from under his closed eyelids and coursed down his face.

The darkness and the silence seemed to mock him as sleep eluded him. It made him feel trapped in a nightmare except in this particular dream, he was wide awake. He wanted someone to be with him but he could hardly call any of the band. They'd not want to be woken up at silly o'clock in the morning. No, they probably wouldn't mind. Niall knew they'd be supportive but he just couldn't do it. He picked up his phone and stared at it before throwing it down again. He started pacing around the room then suddenly made up his mind. He picked up his phone and scrolled through his contacts until he found the name of someone who he'd not spoken to in months. He hesitated, biting his lip, then pressed call. It only rang four times before it was answered. "Zayn" Niall whispered.

"Niall?" Zayn's thick Bradford accent sounded through the phone. Niall breathed out in relief but couldn't bring himself to speak.

"Niall,bro?"

"Yeah Zayn, it's me. Look, I'm sorry I rang you, I shouldn't have. I'm sorry, I'll just............" and Niall broke down sobbing then abruptly ended the call. Still holding tightly to his phone, Niall curled up on his bed, into a tight ball and cried until exhaustion took over and he fell asleep. Zayn kept trying but his calls remained unanswered. He sat back and lost himself in thought for some time before making a decision he never thought he'd make. He placed his call.

Louis' phone kept buzzing. He was tired and ignored it but whoever it was just wasn't giving up. He groaned as he sat up and looked at the time. Who the fck was calling him at 3:20am. His phone buzzed yet again and he looked at the caller ID. Why the fck was 'he' calling ? Louis answered, his face like thunder..

"Just what the fck are you doing calling me? Wanting to come back? Well, it's too late , mate" Louis shouted .

"Lou, no. Shut up and listen. This is important" Zayn pleaded with him. "it's Niall"

"What do you mean, it's Niall" Louis snapped. He was tired, he'd been woken up and Zayn was the last person he wanted to exchange niceties with.

"Bro listen. I had a call from Niall . He acted really strange, said sorry for calling me , said he shouldn't then he just broke down crying. Full on crying, bro. Then he hung up on me. I've been trying and trying to call him back but he's not answering. I just want to know if he's ok. Look, forget it. I'm sorry I called" Zayn ended the call abruptly. He'd done the best he could . It probably should have been Liam he called but somehow it seemed more natural to ring Louis. Zayn shook his head sadly. They used to be so close and now.......those wounds were going to take a long time to heal, that is, if they ever did.

Louis stared up at his bedroom ceiling. Why would Niall ring Zayn? Was he drunk and just suddenly missing him. They had been quite close and Zayn was very protective over his younger bandmate. But Niall was a happy drunk, loud and boisterous,not tearful and emotional. Something about Niall calling Zayn seemed wrong. Niall had been quite badly affected by Zayn's absence from the band but he'd adjusted. They all had. Louis' was the one who had found it the hardest, he still did. And hearing Zayn's voice tonight reminded him just how badly he still missed the Bradford boy. So why had Niall placed that call then ignored Zayn when he had called back? It just didn't make any sense at all.

It was no good, Louis threw the bedcovers aside and got up and headed to the shower. He was wide awake now and his brain wasn't going to shut up and let him sleep. The more he thought about it, the more he realised what it must have cost Zayn to phone him. And as Zayn had made that call, then he must have been sufficiently worried about Niall to brave talking to Louis knowing the reception he was liable to get. He stood under the cascading water lost in his thoughts until the water rang cold and brought him back to earth. After towelling himself dry and dressing, Louis bounded downstairs. Time to place a few early phone calls of his own.


	4. You're A Crap Liar, Niall

Louis rang both Harry and Liam and told them of his early morning call from Zayn. To say they were both astonished was an understatement. None of them had heard from Zayn since he left, unless you counted the short tweet battle between Louis and Zayn, or Zayn's acknowledgement of Liam's tweet about the award they'd won. Both men agreed that if Zayn had suddenly phoned Louis because he was concerned about Niall, then it needed to be investigated. They decided to meet up at Harry's to have breakfast together and discuss the call. Liam suggested they invite Niall but Louis instantly vetoed it as it was Zayn and Niall that he wanted to talk about.

"Actually" Liam suddenly said as they sat around the kitchen table eating the scrambled eggs and bacon Harry had prepared " I had a text from Niall yesterday afternoon asking if I wanted to have a movie night with him. He never got back to me. I thought it was odd but then I sort of forgot about it. I was distracted because Watson had chewed up my new trainers."

"Watson? My dear Sherlock, of whom do you speak?" Harry asked in his poshest voice"

"New puppy, giant Great Dane" Liam grinned.The puppy had already cheered him up enormously and his antics provided a great distraction from his sadness at the break up with Sophia. His curiosity satisfied, Harry returned to the subject of Niall.

"No one else has heard from him either" Harry mused. "I rang him but he didn't answer. Every time I tried again, the phone was turned off. I rang his cousin who said he had expected Niall home hours earlier but he never arrived"

"Anyone check on Niall since?" Louis asked only to receive shakes of the head from the others. He grabbed his phone and called Niall. Niall answered after what seemed like a long time and his voice was dull and apathetic.

"Hey Nialler, you OK mate? You've been MIA and we were wondering if you were sick or something"

"NO! Niall shouted then spoke more quietly. " I'm not sick, what made you think that?"

"Chill bro, just asking. We were worried about you" Louis said calmly even though alarm bells were ringing. Niall was a very bad liar at the best of times, he also hated to admit when he was sick. Louis decided to play along for the time being. "Good to hear. Anyway....we thought we'd meet up for lunch today. Nandos, do you want to come ?"

"Great, why don't you pick me up. I have a bit of an eye infection so don't want to drive". Niall thought he'd put them off the scent by agreeing and anyway, apart from his eye, he didn't look ill.

"Sure, see you about 1pm" Louis said and finished the call. He turned to the others " Something is wrong. I think Niall is hiding something but how we find out, I don't know.. We'll need to be subtle"

"Lou, you couldn't be subtle if you tried. Straight to the chase is your style and you know that may make Niall clam up even more. Liam, you see if you can worm it out of our little snowflake" Harry said. He knew if Louis attempted to corner Niall , it just might result in Niall storming off and they didn't want that.

They decided they would all go in Louis' car and arrived promptly at Niall's just as it got to 1pm. Niall let them into the house and told them to make themselves at home as he was not finished getting ready. He went back upstairs to style his hair and the others sprawled in various chairs to wait for him. Louis just could never keep still and he wandered around, picking things up and putting them down. He decided to hide the TV remote as a joke and went to tuck it behind the house phone. A notepad at the side of the phone caught his eye and he read what had been noted down

"Esperance Private Hospital, Clark Street.

Consultant Neurologist Mr Paul Taylor

2pm Wednesday

Louis frowned and silently beckoned the other two men over. He pointed to the note which they read then they all stared at each other. "Is that for Niall? Louis whispered . The others just shrugged. They could hear Niall coming so they quickly moved away.

"I'm starving" Niall announced as he came down the stairs. "Are we ready to eat?" They all headed out of the door, chatting about trivialities. Louis, however , was silent. With his mother being a nurse, he knew what a neurologist was and what their area of expertise was. Was Niall ill and was that why he had rung Zayn? But why Zayn? Was it because he didn't want to the others to know? Louis was determined to get to the bottom of this and fck diplomacy. If Liam couldn't get anything out of Niall then Louis was determined that he would. And if it needed direct questioning, then so be it.

It didn't take long to reach Niall's favourite place to eat and soon they were settled in and placing their orders. Niall , who normally ordered half the menu, chose just one dish which he barely tasted. Louis decided that if that wasn't a big enough indication that something was seriously wrong with Niall, he didn't know what was. He couldn't wait for Liam to talk his way around this conversation. Taking a deep breath, Louis plunged straight in.

"Ni, why have you got an appointment with a Neurologist?" Harry and Liam were stunned , not expecting Louis to dive straight into it after they had been slowly working around to it.. Niall just stared at Louis, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

"I... you...it's not mine. It's Willie's" Niall choked out.

"Ni, don't lie. You're crap at it anyway" Louis countered ' And I know you rang Zayn"

'H-h-how did you know that?" Niall was clearly confused at just how much Louis knew. He hadn't told Zayn why he'd called and he hadn't said anything about his appointment, he's only been given it earlier that morning. So how.......?" He groaned. He'd written it down and Louis must have seen it. But about Zayn??

"He called me, bro, very early this morning. He was worried about you, mate. Worried enough to phone me knowing I how I felt about him. He really cares about you, Niall. We care about you too so please be honest with us." Louis fixed his eyes on Niall who dropped his gaze down onto his hands , twisting and turning his fingers in agitation. He'd been caught out and now he'd have to tell them the truth.

Liam wrapped Niall into a side hug and just held him while Niall appeared to gather his thoughts. For a time they thought Niall wasn't going to speak but eventually he started telling them about his recent appointment with his Doctor and what she had said. There were no tears this time, but Niall was pale and shaking, obviously distressed.

"Niall, you are not doing this alone" Harry spoke softly in his slow, deep voice. " We'll be with you, every step. I know Zayn will be too. You are our little bro, we won't let you go" Harry also wrapped his arms around Niall as Louis watched them, a sad expression on his face. He felt in his bones that life for Niall, for the whole band, was going to change forever.

Niall paced around the luxurious waiting room, unable to keep still. Louis watched him , wishing there was something he could say to calm the young irish man down. All the boys had offered to accompany Niall to his appointment with the Consultant Neurologist and Louis had been rather surprised when he had been the one Niall asked to go with him. He thought that Liam would have been the one as he tended to be the daddy of the band. Louis finally stood up and wrapped his arms around Niall, stopping the relentless movement. Niall laid his head on Louis' shoulder , his body tense with the stress he was under. Louis patted his back , a gentle rhythmic thump that began to sooth the anxious boy.

"Mr Horan? If you'd like to follow me?"

 

NIall and Louis went after her as she led the way down a short corridor and into a large office. The Consultant rose as they entered and held out his hand to shake. He was somewhat puzzled to see two men.

 

"I was expecting just Mr Horan" he remarked.

 

"I'm Niall Horan. This is my friend Louis Tomlinson. " Niall said nervously.

 

"I see. Perhaps Mr Tomlinson could wait for you in the waiting room. I'll arrange tea or coffee for you, Mr Tomlinson"

 

"No, please" Niall asked "I want him to stay with me"

 

"It is rather unorthodox, Mr Horan. I usually see my patients alone. I would prefer that…"

 

"If he goes, then I 'll go. Please, I really need him here"

 

"Very well. Please take a seat, both of you" He indicated the chairs and both young men sat. Niall nervously shuffling around in his chair. Louis looked relaxed but he was doing his best to appear so in order to help keep Niall calm.

 

The Consultant studied the notes Dr Beck had sent to him before starting to ask Niall various questions. He made notes as he went along.After a time he buzzed for his nurse to come and take Niall to the examination room. Even though the Consultant frowned, Louis followed them. He was going to do his level best to make sure Niall wasn't alone. They had promised him they'd be with him every step of the way and Louis was making sure they kept that promise.

 

"I hate these stupid gowns" Niall whined as he sat ready on the examination couch. "Why the f.ck do I have to wear it. Boxers would be just fine".

 

"Dunno, mate" Louis responded. "I bet they just like to make us know they are in charge. Keep us in our place. Actually, you look cute in it" Louis snapped a quick photo of Niall and sent it to the others. Niall groaned. The Consultant entered at that point and began his examination of Niall who was starting to get fractious. He'd already been through this with Dr Beck. After what seemed like hours but was only twenty minutes in reality, the Consultant finished and remarked that he would just get his nurse to take some blood samples then she would take him to have some scans done. Niall grew pale as he enquired what the scans would involve. He started to sweat when he was told he would be having an MRI. He started to panic as he knew his claustrophobia was already kicking in at the mere thought of being trapped in a scanner. Louis saw the sweat forming on Niall's forehead and stepped in.

 

"Ni has severe claustrophobia. Is the scan necessary" he asked.

 

"Unfortunately yes, Mr Tomlinson, as it will enable me to either confirm or dismiss the cause of Niall's problems. I can offer sedation if that would help? And, under the circumstances, I will allow you into the room to be with Mr Horan. Obviously you will only be able to talk with him but if it helps him to relax?" He raised his eyebrows in question. Niall sighed with relief . "I'll arrange that then." The Consultant then left as the nurse came to to the blood samples and to administer the sedative the Consultant had prescribed.

 

Niall lay quietly on the gurney. He felt very light and floaty though he was aware of things happening around him. He just felt he couldn't be bothered to take note. The nurse checked him carefully then smiled saying the sedative seemed to be in effect now so they would take him down to the scanner. A porter pulled the gurney down the corridor while Louis kept hold of Niall's hand. Once in the room, Niall started to breath more rapidly but Louis spoke to him encouragingly and he calmed down . Louis assisted the nurse to situate Niall onto the bed that would slide into the hollow tube. She fitted headphones carefully over his ears then handed Louis a small microphone that would enable him to talk to Niall. Niall was told to stay very still and not speak himself then the technician pressed the controls and the bed slowly moved into place inside the scanner. Louis spoke quietly to his friend then sang some soft songs that he thought would make Niall relax further.

 

Niall was in the scanner for an hour and it was a relief when the bed started to slide out. The nurse took the headphones off Niall then covered him with a blanket as he was shivering slightly. She advised him to just rest while they checked the scan before he was allowed to go. After a few minutes she returned to say that the scan went well and they had all they needed. A porter arrived to take Niall back to a room where he was told to rest and allow the sedation to wear off. Louis was glad the scanning part was over and that Niall had come through it without being distressed. Niall was tired after the stress of the examination and scan and had fallen asleep. Louis just sat there, holding Niall's hand and wondering what the scan would show. He was hoping it was a false alarm but deep in his bones, he somehow knew the results were not going to be good.

 

An hour or so later, Niall was sat up in the hospital bed, drinking tea when the Consultant tapped on the door and entered. He drew up a chair next to Niall and Louis and cleared his throat. " I have now seen your scan, Mr Horan and also have the results of the others tests. I'm sorry, but yes, it does confirm our suspicions. You do have Multiple Sclerosis" He hated having to give bad news , especially to someone so young, but it was a part of the job. "There are treatments that can help and we will get you started on that. There are also various support groups that I can recommend. I also think you should consider therapy".

 

"Therapy?" Louis questioned. "How does that help?"

"It often can be helpful in as much it allows the patient to accept and deal with the diagnosis. Often how a patient thinks can affect their health both physical and mental. It is something I strongly recommend and we do have an excellent Clinical Psychologist here. There is no need to make quick decisions. I am sure Mr Horan , here, will need time to process what is happening. I'll get my secretary to sort out some appointments for you, Mr Horan but you are free to dress and leave now, if you feel ready. Please don't rush" He shook hands with both of them and left the room .

 

"NIaller, you ok?" Louis looked across at his friend. Niall was frozen in shock. Although he knew in his heart that today would only confirm the diagnosis, part of him refused to believe it. Now any pretence that this wasn't real had ended and Niall was frozen. He felt numb. Louis looked at him with sad eyes then , seeing Niall was still unmoving, picked up Niall's clothing and slowly took of the hospital gown then silently dressed his bandmate in his normal clothing like he was a small child. He then pulled Niall into a tight hug and whispered in his ear. "We'll get through this, Ni. We'll get through this together." Niall remained still and unresponsive in his arms.

 

Niall was silent the whole journey back to his home. Louis tried talking but there was no response so he stopped.Niall was quickly out of the car when it stopped and headed straight through the hall and up to his room,. He closed and locked the door behind him before sitting down on his bed. Confused thoughts filled his head and words from the half remembered information he had googled, flooded his mind. How could he live like this? He didn't want to live like this.

 

Harry, and Liam had looked at Niall then at each other as he passed them without speaking. Louis came in at that point, his eyes filled with the tears he'd been holding back for Niall's sake.

 

"And?" Harry asked quietly. Louis nodded yes and broke down.

"


	5. One Day  At A Time, Bro

As Harry stared off into space, his face completely blank, Liam pulled Louis into a hug and let him release the emotions he had held in whilst he had been with Niall. Louis had been so strong for Niall, knowing that it was what was needed ,but now that Niall was upstairs, Louis let the flood gates open and tears filled his eyes. Eventually he regained control and the others were able to ask what had happened at Niall's appointment.

"How did he take it?" Harry suddenly broke the silence. "It's definite, isn't it? Harry's voice sounded somehow hollow, almost like it was an echo of the real Harry.

" Yes, it's definite" Louis confirmed ." He's not spoken, not a word the whole journey home, just silence. I tried to talk but it was horrible. I could see Niall in the seat right next to me but it was only his body, no Niall." Louis took a deep breath before continuing. " It's like he'd already given up and gone somewhere but I don't know where. I'm scared. I don't know what to do."

"He's bound to be in shock, mate. He'll need time to think about it. There's treatment he can have, isn't there?" Liam attempted to inject a positive note into the situation. " What did the doctor say about that?"

"He said there was medication and he also suggested therapy, that Niall should talk to the Clinical Psychologist about the diagnosis and stuff. He's sending appointments" Louis said before going on to tell the others about the entire situation.

"One of us can go with him, each time" Harry commented "Between the three of us, we can do that"

"Zayn!" Louis suddenly said his name " Should we tell him? Or do we ask Niall if he wants to tell Zayn?" The others stared at him in astonishment. "What?" Louis stared back at them. "Look, it was Zayn that Niall first called and anyway, it was Zayn that rang me to tell me he was worried about Ni. I think we should tell him, even if we go behind Niall's back. I say we contact him."

"Mate, do you think that's wise?" Harry sounded worried " After all, it's the only real contact we've had from him since he left the band, apart from the,… well, you know" Harry was reluctant to mention the twitter fight Louis and Zayn had several months earlier. " And , well, I just don't know".

"Hazza, you know how protective Zee always was over Niall. It was like Niall was his baby brother. I think he should know. He must have been really concerned to even make that call to me. We didn't exactly part on the best of terms ". Liam and Harry exchanged looks then both nodded in assent. "OK, leave it to me" Louis said before moving onto the next concern on his mind. " Willie left for his vacation today. He's away for quite some time so I don't think Ni should be alone. The thing is, what's best? Do we ask Niall to stay with one of us or should one or more of us stay here with him? "

"Boo, we can't just take over like that. We have to find out what Niall wants. He might need time alone. Maybe he'll want to be with his family. He'll have to tell them" Harry spoke reasonably.

"No" Niall stood in the doorway "I'm not telling my family. And I'm not going home. Not yet"

"Ni, you have to tell your family, bro. They need to know. You can't hide something as serious as this" Harry's voice was gentle.

"I said no !" Niall's voice was sharp. "I don't want to tell them yet. Just leave it alone"

"Chill, bro." Liam spoke soothingly . " OK, we understand, but they ready do need to know, Ni. You can't keep it from them" he added .

"I know, I know. But not just yet. I need to deal with this first. And I don't know I can deal with it .Just…. just leave it" Niall turned away and grabbed the TV remote , turning the TV on to a football match. "Louis, looks like 'Donny' are playing" . The three other men looked at each other. It was very plain that Niall had no intention of continuing the conversation so they let it drop and settled in to watch the game. Though Louis' eyes were on the screen, his thoughts were concentrated in another direction...his planned phone call to Zayn.

The game over, Harry and Liam said their goodbyes and left . Louis hung back. "Ni, want me to stay tonight? " 

"Thanks Lou but I'll be fine. I just want time to myself. I gotta lot to think about and I just need alone time. I'll call you in the morning" Niall sounded both tired and dispirited as he answered. " I appreciate it but....."

"I understand. Just promise me you'll call if you need someone. I'll come straight away, never mind what the time. "

"Yeah, thanks Louis" Niall smiled at Louis and it broke his bandmate's heart to see that though Niall's lips were curled in his usual sweet smile , it didn't reach his eyes.. His normally bright blue eyes looked grey and bleak.

"Promise?" 

"Yes, I promise" Niall walked Louis to the door , hugged him then waited and waved as Louis drove away. Switching off the TV then all the lights, Niall said down in the dark room , finally alone with his thoughts.

 

Louis brewed himself some strong coffee. He was really tired but he needed to stay alert. He checked the time regularly, willing the hands of the clock to move quicker . As soon at the hands reach 2am, he picked up his phone, found the number he needed and called. The phone rang and rang but there was no answer. Louis threw the phone back down on the couch.He rubbed his hands over the stubble on his face then yawned, heading towards the kitchen to make more coffee. The coffee had barely finished brewing when he heard "How to save a life" , his ring tone. He raced back into his sitting room and grabbed the phone, checking the caller ID.

"Zee?"

"Bro, you called me?" Zayn's sounded strained. He was nervous about talking with Louis, given their last conversation had not gone too well'

"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about the last time. OK. " Louis said wanting to get the apology in quickly in case Zayn hung up on him

"What do you want?" was the harsh response.

"It's about Niall. Look , it's serious" Louis ignored Zayn's tone. After all, he'd been the one to use it to Zayn during their last conversation. 

"Is he alright?" was the worried sounding response. "What's wrong? Tell me"

"No, he isn't doing good. Zee, he's just been told he has Multiple Sclerosis. He's devastated and we are worried about him. Look, if you hadn't called me, we'd not ......" Louis' voice choked up so Zayn waited patiently for his former bandmate to calm down enough to continue. "He won't talk to us about it, won't tell his family. It's like he's ...I don't know Zee. What if he does something stupid?"

"Lou, it will be Ok, it has to be.Maybe he just needs time to think . He'll be fine, he has to be" Zayn tried to sound confident but, like Louis, he was deeply worried. Niall was the cheerful one, the one who brushed problems aside with a smile. Niall has a real zest for life, a broken Niall didn't seem right. What if he never came to terms with this? Zayn's heart filled with dread. Multiple Scleroris...MS. He knew only too well what Niall might be facing. He had watched one of his aunties live with this disease until it claimed her. What if they lost Nialler? His baby brother? No! His heart clenched within his chest.

"Zayn, you still there?" Louis' voice echoed over the line.

"Yeah bro, I'm still here" Zayn could barely recognise his own voice. It sounded as dull and hopeless as he felt. "Look, I'm coming back. As soon as I can get a flight. I'm coming" He made his mind up on the spot. He had to be there for Niall. And for the others. They were all his brothers.

"Just give me your flight info when you have it. One of us will meet you at the airport" Louis' radiated relief. " Thanks, Zee" He terminated the call then went back to the kitchen to turn off the coffee pot. Sleep was what he needed. He had just finished showering and gone into the bedroom to sleep when his phone buzzed with an incoming text, Zayn's flight details. He'd be back in the UK within the next 24 hours. Louis noted down the information then climbed into bed and was asleep in moments.

Louis pulled his hoodie right down over his face and shoved his hands into his pockets, making sure no tattoos were on display. His face now shadowed, he scanned the hall as the new arrivals from Los Angeles came through. He soon caught sight of Zayn, recognising him despite the heavy, hooded jacket   
he was wearing. Louis grinned. It was obvious the teenage girl , who was wearing a OneD tee and walking just two feet from him, .had no idea that one of her possible heartthrobs was only inches away. Zayn looked up and spotting Louis , walked over. They stood just looking at each other until Louis said "come 'ere , bro" and pulled Zayn into a tight hug. They broke apart and Louis led the way to the car.

"Is it for sure that Niall has MS ? " Zayn asked. He was hoping that he'd misheard or that it was a mistake, even though he knew it wasn't.

"Yes" Louis replied. "I was with him when he got the results of all the tests. He's not doing great Zayn. We are all worried about him. He won't talk about it"

"I was hoping......but " Zayn shook his head and lapsed into silence. Louis glanced at him, waiting to see if he would continue but Zayn just stared out of the window, a closed expression on his face. Louis sighed internally and concentrated on negotiating the heavy traffic.He hoped that relationships with Zayn were not going to be too strained. With all the worry over Niall, he doubted anyones nerves would stand it. He still hadn't told Harry and Liam that he had actually made the call to Zayn. He knew they had not really in favour when he mentioned he would, but he felt that Zayn deserved to be kept in the loop. And Zayn was the first person Niall had called when he was scared.

 

"Do you want to stay at mine or go to your own place" Louis finally asked. 

 

"Your place......please" Zayn responded " I'm..ah... I'm not sure if Perrie has taken all her stuff out. I don't think bumping into her would be so great right now." 

 

""Yeah, right. OK, my place it is" Louis moved into the correct lane of traffic and headed towards his own home. 

 

Zayn carried his suitcase up into the guest room before coming down and sitting with Louis. They both sat in silence until Louis decided that they would both have to break down the barriers between them if they were to be any help to Niall.

 

"That's it, I'm phoning Harry and Liam " Louis broke the silence.." We need to talk this out" Louis said firmly. He quickly called both and asked them to come over immediately, that it was very important. Both men immediately agreed and said they'd be over as soon as possible. .

 

"You didn't tell them I was here. Why not?" Zayn queried "They aren't going to like it"

"I don't care if they don't f.cking like it. This is for Niall. And maybe we all need to have this talk. You skipped out on us.You didn't even talk to us. How do you think it felt? You were in the band one minute then you were gone. You didn't talk to us, you just walked out. Do you know how broken we were? How Niall felt? Oh, the fans thought he didn't care but we knew different. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep. We had to force him on stage every night because he said he couldn't do it without you. We need to talk about this. YOU need to talk about it" Louis' voice was raised in anger .

 

"I couldn't talk to you, Louis, it's complicated I just couldn't take it anymore. I was dying inside. I didn't mean to hurt any of you. Look, remember when I flew out to LA? I really was sick, bro. I wasn't faking. The Doctor there told me I had severe depression. They gave me pills but...I stopped taking them and it got worse. I needed to get home, to Perrie. To work out the mess but even that failed. I...." Zayn looked at Louis, tears sliding down his cheeks.

 

"And you think we wouldn't listen to you? Bro, we would have supported you.You could have told us" Louis' voice was quiet now, softer." We'd have understood."

 

"Lou, something else happened. I can't tell you, can't talk about it. But believe me, I did try"

 

"Zee, I wish you could just tell me., tell us. I...." The ringing of the doorbell interrupted whatever Louis was about to say and by the time he returned with Harry and Liam, the moment was lost.

 

Harry and Liam stood in the doorway and looked open mouthed at the man sat on the couch, his cheeks still tear stained. Harry was the first to move and went and gave Zayn a brief hug. Liam followed suit before they all sat down. The silence in the room seemed to grow thicker and thicker until Zayn broke it. " I'd like to visit Niall, if you don't mind"

 

"I'll take you over tomorrow. He's got an appointment to see the Neurologist again so sort out medication and stuff. If he's OK about it, maybe you can go with him." Harry said " I think he'll be happy to see you, to be honest, he took your leaving the band very hard. He tried not to show it and he fooled the fans, but not us. Harry paused before continuing on so quietly it was barely audible "no, he couldn't fool us".

Louis slowly guided the conversation around to how everyone felt about Zayn leaving the band. Zayn opened up to a point, told them about the depression but when questioned too closely, insisted that some things he couldn't talk about and begged them not to push him. He looked close to the edge so Liam switched the conversation to Zayn's forthcoming album and their own 5th album and talk remained neutral for the rest of the evening.

The next morning, Niall was sat quietly, listening to the pounding rain. He thought he heard his security gates sliding out but when he got up and looked, he couldn't see through the very heavy rain. He must have been mistaken, he thought ,as he sat back down. The doorbell then rang, and his eyebrows drew together in puzzlement. He wasn't expecting anyone apart from Harry and he had a key. He ignored it. Then his phone rang and Zayn's name came up on the caller ID.

 

"Bro, let me in. I'm getting soaked" a thick bradford accent complained.

 

"Where are you?" 

 

"On your doorstep. Come on, let me in before I drown"

 

Niall raced to the door, skidding slightly on the polished floor. He threw open the door and flung himself at Zayn.

 

"Bro. Can't. Breath" Niall released Zayn , grinning broadly and pulled him across the threshold.

 

"Zee, when did you get here? I didn't know you were coming" Niall put down mugs of tea then sat opposite Zayn, smiling.

 

"It was kinda spur of the moment , Ni. How are you, anyway?"

 

"I'm just great. Looking forward to going home to Ireland and looking from a home there. Maybe doing a little backpacking. A sort of gap year" 

 

"Ni, I know. You don't have to pretend" Zayn looked Niall in the eyes. "After you rang me that night, I rang Louis. We had words but he did ring me back a few days later and he told me. Niall looked down at the floor , refusing to hold Zayn's gaze. "Bro..?" Zayn said quietly

 

"I...I don't know I can do this Zayn. What did I do wrong to get this? I don't think I can live this way. What if it gets worse? And it will, it's progressive" Niall sounded and looked so miserable that Zayn felt pain in his heart. He wanted to be able to protect Niall from this but he couldn't. Somethings in life just couldn't be stopped. He moved so he was kneeling on the floor right in front of Niall.

 

"Ni, you have to stop looking at what might happen. You don't know it will progress. The medication will help and they do research the whole time. They may turn up a cure. " Zayn tried to sound positive.

 

"Zee, what if I end up in a wheelchair. What if it gets worse than that? What if I can't tour again ?"

"That's too many "what if's" Niall. One day at a time, bro. Let's take this one day at a time. Zayn stood and pulled Niall up with him. "Let's go play FIFA and I'll even let you beat me".

 

"You wish" Niall responded heading down to his games room.


	6. You'll Have to Swear to secrecy

"Ni, I wondered...maybe I could go with you to your appointment? I know Harry is going but I just wondered...." Zayn broke off nervously as he looked at Niall. 

 

"Why Zee? Why are you here? Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to see you, but why do you suddenly care?"

 

"I always cared , bro. I know it doesn't seem like it but I cared. I still do care. You're my little brother" Niall studied Zayn intently while he talked. Many people thought Niall was unobservant because he didn't make comment about things and seemed totally unaware of things around him, but there was very little he missed. He noticed the stiff set of Zayn's shoulders, the tightness around his eyes and mouth , the gaunt frame and the grey complexion. Zayn's eyes were flat and dull. Zayn was in as bad a state as him and Niall wanted to know why.

 

"If Harry's OK with it, then yeah" Niall decided. He was pretty sure Harry wouldn't mind. Harry had a gentle and easy going nature and though he was angry with Zayn for leaving the band, Harry bore him no ill will.

 

"Thanks" Zayn smiled slightly. "Are you OK to drive ?"

 

"Yes I am but we already decided to go in Harry's car. No point in taking two" . As if the mention of his name was a magnet, Harry walked through the door and raised an enquiring brow at the two other men. "I'm about as ready as I'll ever be" Niall said, leading the way out to the car.

 

"Mr Horan. And these gentlemen are?" Paul Taylor, Niall's neurologist, showed no surprise at seeing people accompany his patient. It seemed that Niall's friends were determined to be present at his appointments. The Consultant didn't particularly like it ,but as he was being well paid to care for Niall, he went along with it. 

 

"I'm Harry Styles and this is Zayn Malik" Harry quickly performed the introductions then all three men were invited to sit.

 

"Mr Horan...may I call you Niall?" He received a nod of the head " As you know you have Multiple Sclerosis..MS..I believe you have the Relapsing-Remitting type" Niall looked completely puzzled so Mr Taylor went on to explain. "As I said, it's an auto-immune based disease. The immune system, which normally defends the body against illness, somehow gets confused and attacks the body instead. Your type of MS will come in waves, if you like. It will flare up then go almost into remission then flare up. We have drugs that can control these attacks but you'll need to take them for the rest of your life. The good news is that when MS develops in people under the age of 35, it tends to move slower. You are barely 22 so your age is in your favour. Now, I am sure you have questions?"

 

Niall looked blank. He had a million questions but couldn't pull himself together enough to ask. He was grateful when Zayn took control.

 

"Flare ups...what can cause them?" Zayn asked. He actually knew because of his auntie's illness but knew Niall needed to hear.

 

"Everyday illnesses like flu, colds, infections. In fact anything that requires the immune system to go into action. Stress, especially extreme stress ,is also a trigger. And sometimes flare ups just happen and we don't understand why. Flare ups, when they happen, can cause extreme pain, mental impairment, sight problems, impaired movement , digestive issues, breathing problems, etc. These can be controlled, to an extent. by medication when they occur but may require hospitalisation"

 

"And treatments?" Zayn pursued

 

"Drug therapy, naturally. CBT..cognative behavioural therapy..massage. These in combination are very effective. And regular monitoring by both myself and a specialist nurse is vital"

 

"And the drugs? There are several types aren't there?" Paul Taylor studied the dark skinned man asking all the questions. He began to wonder just what that young man knew about MS. He'd plowed straight into asking questions without hesitation and, judging by the expression on his face, understood far more than he was letting on.

 

"Yes, there are quite a range" Mr Taylor confirmed. "Some for daily management of the illness, some for when the body is in a flare up. They all have their good points and also their drawbacks. It can occasionally be a case of trial and error to find out which combination suits the individual best"

 

"You know Niall is a musician and often goes on tours?" Zayn cringed inwardly at having to ask this question but he knew that it was one that deeply worried Niall and they needed the answer, be it positive or negative. "How will this affect him?" He held his breath as he waited for the response, not daring to look at either Niall or Harry.

 

"I'd like to say that it would not be a problem, but I can't. However, it isn't impossible. Niall would need to learn to take extra care of himself. Avoid getting over tired. eat a very healthy diet, guard against possible infection and no unnecessary stress. Precautions such as having the Flu shot every year are vital . Really, it mainly depends on Niall himself and how he is feeling at any given time." Zayn nodded as the Consultant finished speaking.

 

"You say it's Relapsing -remitting" Zayn pressed on with the questions. He knew Niall was worried about things getting worse but was afraid of the answers. He hoped that he wasn't making things worse for Niall by continuing with the questions but deep in his heart, felt it would be better if everything was out in the open. "What happens if it gets bad?" 

 

"Bad? as in the worse case scenario? It is too hard to be specific. Everyone is different. But, to answer your question in general terms, the lesions on the brain will slow down then stop it's functions. It doesn't happen to everyone so please don't dwell on it. THe drugs we have are good, very good, and more are being developed every day." Mr Taylor gave the information calmly, as if he was merely talking about the weather but he didn't miss the fear in Niall's face. "Niall, chances are it may never get that advanced. Let's just get you started on treatment today and we'll take it from there" Niall just stared down at his feet, fingers twisting.

 

"Now, I'm starting you on Tecfidera. It provides good results in those who tolerate it. You'll need to take two pills daily. It isn't without side effects..hot flushes,diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting. They do tend to wear off. If they don't, we'll try something else. There is such a range, we will find one that suits you best. I'm also prescribing CBT and massage therapy." He wrote the prescription quickly and also buzzed his secretary to make the necessary appointment s for the other treatment. "Any more questions?" He asked pleasantly. The young men all shook their heads. ""I'll just pass you over to my secretary then. He rose from his chair and shook hands with each of them and they left the room, Zayn at the back.

 

"Mr Malik?" Zayn turned. "I think you possibly know more than you are revealing?" Paul Taylor looked at Zayn questioningly. Zayn just nodded and, looking down, followed his friends.

 

Niall maintained his silence, refusing to talk about anything to do with his illness. Both Harry and Zayn both tried encouraging him to share his thoughts but he blocked them at every turn. He either ignored the question or blatantly changed the subject.Harry and Zayn exchanged looks then Zayn shrugged.This was going to be difficult. If they couldn't get Niall to talk, it was going to be a problem. They knew Niall was worrying and very stressed and Zayn in particular, knew that was a recipe for disaster. He just didn't know what form that disaster would take.

 

Harry and Zayn accompanied Niall to his door but when he put the key in the lock, he turned and faced them. "Look, thanks for coming with me. I'm really grateful but I need some space now. I want to be alone." 

 

"Are you sure, Nialler? I just wish you'd talk with us. Don't shut us out." Harry pleaded quietly.

 

"Just go....please" Niall whispered. He was struggling to hold himself together and he didn't want to break down again in front of his friends.

 

"Ni?" Zayn tried this time.

 

"GO! JUST GO!" Niall shouted "LEAVE. ME. ALONE! YOU DON"T GET IT, DO YOU! ". He pushed his door open and slammed it then leant back on the closed door. His whole body shook with emotion then he slid down into a heap on the floor, still shaking. He was only vaguely aware of the sound of Harry's car pulling away. He was too wrapped up in his thoughts and what he might have to do.

Darkness had fallen and Niall was still curled up on the floor. His phone kept ringing and bleeping as the boys attempted to call or text him. He slowly sat up and turned off his phone . The silence in his house was deafening. Hauling himself to his feet, he went into the kitchen and slowly moved around, making himself as sandwich he wasn't sure he wanted. After just one bite, bile rose in his throat and he tossed the remains into the trash. Grabbing a glass, he poured out some whiskey and tossed it down his throat in one go. He poured another and then, taking his glass and the almost full whiskey bottle into his lounge, collapsed onto the couch. He switched on his TV and focussed on the screen, not even seeing what he watched. His thoughts were too far away.

 

"He's still not answering" Liam was really worried. It had been several hours since Zayn and Harry had been kicked out by Niall but they had heard nothing from their friend.

 

"He wanted to be alone" Harry pointed out. He continued reasonably "He's got a lot to think about and he is probably hating on us constantly being on his case. Maybe we should just leave him and go check on him in the morning"

"mmmmhh.....I'm not sure" Liam replied "I know how Niall hides things from us but this isn't like when he tries to pretend he hasn't got flu. Seriously, I don't like thinking of him being alone at a time like this"

 

"Mate, I know what you're saying but we gotta respect Niall's privacy. He's letting us go with him to his appointments so he isn't exactly keeping us out. He probably just needs time to accept what's happening.We have to cut him some slack here" Louis expressed his own opinion. He knew Liam was a born worrier. H*ll, they were all worried about Niall. But that didn't mean they should smother him as a result. "Look, we'll go see him in the morning and tell him how concerned we are, that we will be there for him, but we have to let Niall decide how far he wants us involved."

 

"Anyone know if he's spoken to his parents or to Greg?" Liam wondered. The others all shook their heads.

 

"He said he wasn't ready" Louis replied.

 

"Do you think we should......?" Liam broke off, hesitating to which he got a resounding No! from the others.

 

"He has to do it when he's ready, bro. If we go behind his back it will just make things worse. Then he really will clam up." Louis spoke firmly and Liam reluctantly nodded in agreement.

 

Zayn was sat quietly on the couch, listening to the conversation, but not being part of it. Even though his face registered no particular emotion, he was very agitated. He wasn't willing to share his thoughts, wasn't willing to admit the truth, even to himself who knew the truth. No, he thought, no. Stay silent.

 

Harry and Liam finally left and Louis announced he was heading to bed. Zayn followed him up stairs and, after saying good night, let himself into the guest room. He stripped off down to his boxers and sat on the bed, propped up by the pillows. He wasn't ready to sleep . His mind was neither ready nor able to switch off. Neither could he control it when his thoughts went back to his final months with the band . Worry about Niall wove in and out of his thoughts, coming strongly every time his mind touched on areas he hadn't been able to share with the rest of the band. He hadn't even told his parents, nor his older sisters. That was a secret he was bound to keep. It was better that way. Zayn finally fell into sleep but it wasn't restful.

 

Niall squinted at the bottle, it was more than half way down. He went to pour another drink but he wasn't sober enough and he knocked the bottle over. He cursed loudly as the whiskey puddled on the wooden floor. Niall staggered to his feet and stumbled through the darkened house and up the stairs to his room. He fell onto the bed and lay there until feeling a lump under his hip penetrated his brain. He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the large bottle of pills the Consultant had prescribed. He pushed himself up onto his knees and looked at it with glazed eyes. He frowned and shook the bottle. It rattled loudly. He put it on his bedside table , staring at it until he fell over onto the floor, knocking the bottle with him. It was right in his sight line and he continued to stare.

 

Zayn woke with a start. He wasn't sure why. Dreams maybe? They had had the quality of nightmares. Most of his dreams these days were nightmares. He didn't feel right. His sense of agitation hadn't left him. Far from it. It had increased. He frowned to himself. Why did he feel unsettled. Something subtle message was nudging him. He mentally shook himself, telling himself he deserved to feel that way. It was his own fault for dwelling on the past. Unable to settle, he pulled on his jeans and a hoodie. Shoving his feet into shoes, he crept quietly down the stairs.

 

"Zee? You alright?" Zayn jumped. Louis walked out of the kitchen holding a mug of tea."Couldn't sleep either?"

"No, too restless. Too many bad memories"

"Want to talk, I'm a good listener" Louis said quietly.

"Bro, I wish I could but I just can't" Zayn sounded both tired and stressed so Louis left it alone. Zayn spoke again " Lou, I can't rid myself of the feeling that something's wrong"

"You got that right. Niall having MS is wrong" Louis replied somewhat tartly.

"No Lou, something's wrong. I can't explain, don't ask me to but something is wrong".

***Trigger warnings apply!

You are reminded this is fiction. Please do NOT try what is mentioned here. And don't read if you are easily upset or affected .***

 

Zayn and Louis sat there in silence. Zayn continued to be a world of his own so Louis studied him from under his eyelashes. What was it that Zayn was so unwilling to share with him , or the others? Whatever it was, it made Zayn edgy when anyone tried to push for answers. Louis wracked his brains to what was the reason behind it all. Zayn had admitted to depression but that wasn't something the band would have judged him on. Louis was so deeply in thought that he jumped when Zayn abruptly stood up and began pacing the room , his hands to his head as if he was in pain.

 

"Lou, I can't stand it. I can't shake this feeling. I have to see Niall, talk to him, now" Zayn 's tone was desperate."Lou, please. You have to drive me there or let me take your car. Please?"

 

Louis looked at Zayn, absolutely stunned. The expression on Zayn's face was scary. Zayn looked somehow wild and Louis wondered if he had taken leave of his sanity. "Zee, it's the middle of the night, we can't go barging in on Niall. And for what reason, anyway. You need to calm down, mate"

 

"You have a key to his house don't you? Look, either you drive me or let me use your car and that key" Zayn had stopped his pacing and stood right in front of Lou. "Please Lou, we need to go and see Niall. I need to see Niall"

 

"Why? Why, Zayn? What's the desperate rush?" Louis demanded.

 

"I...I can't tell you. Please, you have to trust me." Zayn was begging now.

 

"You can't tell me. Yeah, you can't tell me anything" Louis spat at Zaun. "What is so desperate that we go now? Come on, you tell me mate or I'm not shifting"

 

"Bro, please. I'm begging you. Look, I'll tell you but after I've seen Niall. But you'll have to swear to secrecy"

 

Louis studied Zayn intently then sighing, picked up his wallet and his car keys. "This had better be good , mate, or believe me, you'll pay"

 

"I'm afraid I'll pay if we don't see Niall" was the cryptic response as Zayn followed him to the car.

 

The drive to Niall's house was very tense. Zayn fidgeted in his seat, unable to keep still for a second. Louis kept giving him sidelong glances as he drove. Whatever had got Zayn worked up, it was having a very bad effect on him. Louis fully intended to hold Zayn to the promise that he'd be told what the big secret once they'd seen Niall. Was it something Niall was involved in. But Niall didn't normally hide things from his bandmates. Was Management involved? Well, it would have to wait, at least for the time   
being.

 

Louis hadn't even stopped the car before Zayn was out and running to the front door and using the key to get entry. The smell of alcohol was strong and it didn't take Zayn long to locate the source of the smell, a large puddle of whisky on the floor. He started calling out Niall's name, looking around the room. He quickly checked all the rooms downstairs, still shouting for Niall. Louis had come in looked confused by Zayn's increasingly wild manner. Then suddenly Zayn took off up the stairs, heading to Niall's room. He scanned the room but the bed was empty.

 

"Niall's not here" Louis came up behind Zayn. "You dragged me here and he's not around. Look mate, you are seriously deranged" But Zayn wasn't listening. He had spotted a foot and raced to the other side of the bed. Niall was on the floor. Zayn scooped him up and laid him on the bed. Niall smelt very strongly from the drink he had consumed . He was barely conscious and was obviously drunk but that wasn't what Zayn was worried about. He looked around the room and at the floor where he had found Niall. The bottle of pills was there and Zayn picked it up. It was empty.

 

"Louis, go get a big glass of warm water, dissolve as much salt in it as you can. Go!" Louis looked shocked. What did he want him to do that for.Ni was only drunk, for f.cks sake." Louis!" Zayn shouted "He's taken pills." It finally sunk in and Louis went to dial the emergency services. Zayn stopped him. "No time, Louis move" Louis moved.

 

Zayn lifted Niall into his arms and dragged him to the bathroom. It was no time for being gentle and tcareful. He put his fingers into Niall's mouth and touched the back of Niall's throat. Niall's gag reflex kicked in immediately and Niall started to vomit the mix of alcohol and pills. Louis appeared with the salt water and Zayn then forced a semi conscious Niall to drink some. Niall vomited again and again. Zayn continued to force Niall to vomit until he was bringing up just clear water. Niall was becoming more and more aware and Zayn collapsed against the bathroom wall, Niall cradled in his arms. "Thank god" He whispered."Oh , thank god.We weren't too late"

 

Louis helped lift Niall up from the floor and together he and Zayn bathed him. He was then gently dried and carried to his bed where he fell into a sleep. Zayn sat next to him, holding one of his hands. His entire body was shaking with delayed shock and he barely registered Louis moving around as he cleaned up the mess in the bathroom. When he was done, he came back to the bedroom.

 

"Zee, we should call an ambulance. He needs medical help"

 

"No! He'll be fine. A sore throat and stomach will be the worst of the physical pain. We were in time. Thank god. Louis, we might have been too late." Zayn's voice was raw and tears slid down his ashen cheeks . Louis knelt in front of his stricken friend and wrapped his arms around him, resting his chin on Zayn's head.

 

"Thanks to you, we weren't though" Louis whispered, his own face as pale as Zayn. "Are you sure he'll be OK?"

 

"We didn't have time , Lou. The hospital would have pumped his stomach. I just did it with salt water."

 

"But....." Louis started but Zayn stopped him.

 

"No bro, this is for the best.Trust me"

 

""Zee, I trusted you for this and I'm glad I did. But you need to trust me too, please tell me what you've been hiding"

 

Zayn looked down at the sleeping form of his former bandmate. Niall looked even smaller than normal, face pale but peaceful as he slept. Louis had believed in him enough to bring him here and Niall was safe. Zayn stretched out his hand and gently brushed Niall's hair from his forehead . Taking a deep breath, he then looked across at Louis. "You'll have to promise to keep this to yourself. Just you and the lads can know. Promise?"

 

Louis made the 'cross my heart" gesture and patiently waited for Zayn to continue.

 

"Well, you remember when I went to Los Angeles........................."


	7. If Only….The two saddest words.

Zayn finally looked up at Louis when he finished his explanation. Louis was frozen in shock..He had considered so many different possibilities as to what it was Zayn was hiding but never in his wildest imaginings had this been one of them. Not even close. He tried to wrap his head around what he'd just heard but...really?....and not one of them had known.How could they have not known it had been that bad. Yes, they had been worried but this......... Louis shook his head in disbelief.

"So, you see , you have to keep it secret, bro. If that got out ...." Zayn's voice trailed away but he didn't need to continue. Louis could see exactly what would happen , especially if the media got hold of it. They couldn't let that happen. Louis stood up from where he had been sitting on the bed next to a sleeping Niall. He walked slowly from the room, signalling Zayn to follow.The two men stood outside Niall's bedroom door, both to afraid to go far in case Niall tried to take his own life again but not wanting to wake him up.

"We have to tell the others, Zee. They can't be kept in the dark about this. I just don't know what to say, I never dreamed this could have happened. I just wish you'd been able to tell us before . And what do we do about tonight? " .Louis' voice sounded strained as he tried to process everything that had happened that evening. 

"We need to tell them. Niall needs help, even if he won't accept it. And he can't be left alone. I don't know what I'd do if anything happens to him. This is all my fault, Lou. I just wish we could only turn back time, I'd undo it all. Then maybe this would never have happened" Zayn sounded so heartbroken that Louis reached out and put his fingers under Zayn's bowed head so he could look into his eyes.

"Zee, you can't take the blame for everything. Niall having MS isn't your fault and as to the other, we are just as guilty. The clues were right before us and we didn't see them. We were so wrapped up in our own anger and disappointment that we couldn't see what was right before our eyes.We are all equally to blame". Louis felt so ashamed as he looked back with fresh eyes on Zayn's last few months with the band. So many clues and they had missed them all. So many times they might have been able to alter the course of events and yet they didn't. He brushed away a solitary tear that had clung to his eyelashes. No, now was not the time for tears. He had to be strong.

"You go stay with Niall" Louis motioned to the bedroom door. "It's better if you are with him, if....when..." he corrected himself " he wakes up. I'm going to clean up downstairs . I need time to think about how to tell the others. And Zee? " Zayn turned and looked at him. " Thanks". Zayn gave Louis one of his rare, sweet smiles in response before he turned back and walked quietly into Niall's room, softly closing the door after himself.. Louis remained standing, looking at the closed door, then headed back down the stairs. Just what was he going to tell Harry and Liam?

Louis mopped up the puddle of whiskey from the floor, threw the empty bottle in the trash then collapsed down on the couch. His mind was a whirling mess . So many emotions crashing in to him. Disbelief, horror, pain and guilt. Above all, the guilt. How did he not see? How did they not see? It was so obvious, yet, like a jigsaw, they had all failed to put the pieces together. And he should have seen, he was the eldest. God, how did it get so bad? Why didn't he see. He should have seen it. And if only Zayn had trusted them with the secret..If Only...the two of saddest words in the world. Louis sobbed.Louis recalled past events, conversations. If only he had been paying attention tonight might never have happened. If Zayn hasn't..............it didn't bear thinking about about. The warnings were there.Words echoed in his head:

Zayn's phone call:

"Bro listen. I had a call from Niall . He acted really strange, said sorry for calling me , said he shouldn't then he just broke down crying. Full on crying, bro. Then he hung up on me. I've been trying and trying to call him back but he's not answering. I just want to know if he's ok. Look, forget it. I'm sorry I called"

 

Louis remembered how strange he thought it was Niall had rung Zayn instead of them. Niall had taken Zayn's leaving very badly but surely it was him, Louis, that it had been the hardest for.....hadn't it? And for Zayn to call him because Niall hadn't answered his phone. Why would Zayn be so worried?

 

Chills went down his spine as he recalled his own words to Zayn;

 

"I don't care if they don't f.cking like it. This is for Niall. And maybe we all need to have this talk. You skipped out on us.You didn't even talk to us. How do you think it felt? You were in the band one minute then you were gone. You didn't talk to us, you just walked out. Do you know how broken we were? How Niall felt? Oh, the fans thought he didn't care but we knew different. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep. We had to force him on stage every night because he said he couldn't do it without you. We need to talk about this. YOU need to talk about it"

 

And Zayn insisting they drive over to Niall's that very night. Recalling Zayn's words sent a chill down his spine.

 

"No Lou, something's wrong. I can't explain, don't ask me to but something is wrong".

 

What if he hadn't given in to Zayn? Thank god, he did. Louis felt the horror deep within him. It had been so close, too close.

 

And Zayn knew what to do! Again Louis relived those words.

 

"Louis, go get a big glass of warm water, dissolve as much salt in it as you can. Go!"

 

Louis!" he'd shouted "He's taken pills."

 

"No time, Louis. Move!"

 

Of course he knew what to do, exactly what to do. Louis recalled the explanation Zayn had given him such a short time ago.

 

They'd been so blind. Zayn had always been so protective of Niall, maybe cared most about about the little irish lad he treated like a baby brother. And Zayn had kept the secret to protect Niall, just like he was protecting him now. Louis pulled his phone from his pocket and phoned Liam and Harry asking them to come to Niall's immediately, that it was urgent. Then he sat and waited for the boys to arrive.

 

"What's so urgent at"....Liam looked at his watch...".4:25am?" He plonked down on the couch next to Louis. "You look terrible, by the way, mate"

 

"Niall tried to kill himself tonight" Louis didn't bother to dress it up. Harry just crumpled down to sit on the floor , his mouth agape. Liam just stared at Louis.

 

"Niall did what ? " he finally managed to say

 

"He got drunk, took the whole bottle of pills he was given. If Zayn hasn't......"Louis broke off. He breathed deeply for a few minutes. "I need a drink. We all do" He went to Niall's bar and poured out brandy for all of them. He tried to take a sip of his own but his hands were shaking so badly, he put the glass down.

 

"Bro, just what happened? And what about Zayn?" Harry asked quietly

 

"I wasn't sleeping so I was downstairs. Zayn came and joined me because he wasn't sleeping either. He said he just had this feeling, he couldn't explain, but just asked..begged me to bring him here. I wasn't going to but he promised he'd explain if I did. We got here, looked for Niall. Zayn found him on the floor of his bedroom and knew what he'd done. He was amazing, he just......Harry, he saved Niall." Louis was choking on his own sobs at this point but tried to regain control. After a few moment he continued

 

"After he made sure Niall was OK, he told me what it was he'd been hiding, what Niall had been hiding."

 

"Niall hiding? I don't understand. Ni doesn't hide stuff" Liam was puzzled.

 

"Believe me. Niall hid this. Remember Zayn went to LA after the Perth show and saw a doctor who diagnosed severe depression? " The boys nodded in response .". Zayn wanted to go home and just get his head together but, well, Simon was there and he convinced Zayn to stay on until then end of the tour. But he couldn't do it, he said he needed a short break because he felt he'd die if he didn't. He tried to stay but after that hassle in Bankok, where the media posted those 'cheating' pictures, he'd had enough and Simon agreed he could fly home after the Hong Kong show and take a break . We were all told that It was supposedly for a week and he'd be back. But Zayn knew he wasn't coming back because Management told him he wasn't. They were the ones who decided he'd leave the band permanently. But we were not to be told or they promised there would be trouble. Zayn didn't want to do it to us but he had no choice. He knew Ni would be the most upset so he told Niall the truth in strict confidence . He wanted to warn him so it wouldn't be a shock. You both know how Ni idolised Zayn. Niall took it badly, really badly. And that was after a bad day he'd already had with all that hate. Remember he was really upset? We told him to ignore it, didn't we? I didn't think when he said he didn't want to eat that night, he just wanted to sleep. I should have seen it. " All the boys thought back to that night. Niall had been upset but what was Louis saying?

 

"Lou, just where is this going?" Harry wanted to know. Louis looked at him grimly.

 

"Niall attempted suicide that night too" He looked at the stunned faces of his bandmates.

 

"But how did we not know?" Harry's voice showed his distress.

 

"Zayn" Louis said simply. " and Management. Management sent someone to escort Zayn to the airport but he refused to go without saying a final goodbye to Niall. They went to Niall's room and found him. He'd left a note so they knew. The guy from Management ran and got the salt from the hotel kitchen and they made Niall sick. Management said nobody was to know about it and that Zayn had to keep his mouth shut. He was also told to break all contact with us, that we were not to know anything. Niall was also told the same."

 

"But how did we not know. Surely Niall would have been, I don't know, sick the next day? "Liam wondered.

 

"He was. Remember the horrible raspy voice and he was shaky. We got told he has throat problems and was on vocal rest. It was being forced to vomit that did it but it was all covered up. And this cover up nearly killed him a second time because we didn't f.cking know how fragile Ni already was"Louis' voice revealed how disgusted he was with himself because he hadn't realised what was going on.

 

"Where is Zee?" Liam asked quietly. "Is he still here?"

 

"Yeah, he's with Niall. Ni is sleeping. We don't want to leave him alone.I'm afraid" Louis rubbed his hands over his face tiredly " What do we do now?"

 

"He's got to get professional help. We can't leave this" Liam spoke decisively " But we have to keep this out of the media. It would destroy Niall completely if it got out"

 

The room had fallen silent, each young man lost in their own thoughts. Zayn revelations had shocked them all and both Liam and Harry were experiencing the same emotions that Louis had felt earlier.Looking back they could now see all the signs that something had been wrong and they'd failed to notice. They were all brought back to the present by the sound of footsteps and looked up to see Zayn walking slowly into the room, his arm supportively around a pale and shaking Niall.


	8. You Can't Fix Broken

Zayn helped Niall over to sit on the couch opposite the one where the others sat.. Niall pulled his knees up to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs and rested his head on his knees. He couldn't bring himself to meet the gaze of the other young men. He was too ashamed, too embarrassed. Zayn plonked down next to Niall, both arms around his smaller friend, keeping him in a comforting embrace. Harry, quiet, gentle Harry, got up and knelt before the blond ,Irish man, grabbing his arms and punctuating each word he spoke with a soft shake. "Don't. You.Ever. EVER. Do. That. Again" His breath hitching as he continued "Ni, please, never try and take yourself away from us. We love you and need you, we can't live without you". Harry rested his forehead against Niall's knees as tears slide down his face. Niall released a hand that had been gripping his knee and ran it through the soft , tangled curls of the sobbing Harry, tears trickling down his own cheeks.

"I'm sorry. Don't hate me. I ..." Niall's voice was raspy and it sounded like it was painful to speak. Louis looked thoughtfully at him then headed to the kitchen to make a hot honey and lemon drink which he carried to Niall , urging him to drink it. Niall gave him a grateful smile as he accepted it. 

"Ni, we'd never hate you. You are our brother. But Ni, why?" Liam wanted to know.

"I can't explain. It's..just don't ask me, please" Niall turned the mug of hot drink in his hands, avoiding looking up.Louis sighed as Niall echoed the words Zayn had used before all this blew up in their faces.

"Bro, they know" Zayn said quietly "They won't talk but they had to know". Niall felt ashamed. Now the boys knew that he was a mess. He'd tried so hard to battle through. He thought he'd had them fooled. He had wanted to die and he couldn't even manage to do that. He was worthless. And he was going to be even more useless soon. How could he drag the band down with him?

"Why did you stop me? You should have let me go. I want to go" Niall tried to shout at them but the pain in his throat from being forced to vomit up the pills made him sound even more pathetic than he already thought he was.

"Don't you dare say that. Don't you F.cking dare say that!" Louis screamed at him as he paced wildly up and down. "You selfish Bas*ar*d, did you even stop to think of us? What it would do to us if you died?" Niall shrank back against Zayn who tightened his arms around him, glaring at Louis. "You tried to leave us" Louis' voice was barely above a whisper now "We need you, I need you..." Louis ran from the room, slamming the front door behind himself and, moments late.r they heard a car driving away. They sat there , the only sound being Niall's mug clattering down onto the wooden floor.

"I....I just wanted some peace" Niall finally rasped out quietly. "I didn't want to hurt you guys. I just wanted peace" He turned his head into the crook of Zayn's neck and Zayn felt the warm tears falling onto his skin. "I didn't want to hurt you. I thought it was best. " 

"Nialler, you are too important to us.We need you. Yes, you are part of the band, but you are so much more. You are our baby brother. We love you and we really do need you. We'll always be here for you. Just don't....."Liam broke off as his emotions rendered it impossible for him to continue speaking.

"Louis hates me" Niall whispered into Zayn's neck.

"No. No, bro. He doesn't hate you. He's just upset. He feels responsible for all of this because he felt he should have known just how down you were. Both this time and the last time." Zayn said soothingly. "He doesn't hate you, none of us do. We are just upset you didn't talk to us. We'd have helped you, Nialler"

"You can't help, nobody can" was Niall's response . "You can't fix broken"

'Ni, just because you are broken doesn't mean you can't be helped. You don't have to do this alone, mate. But you gotta let us in. You've been blocking us at every turn. You just can't do that to us. Please let us help you. We'll do whatever it takes but please, Ni" Harry pleaded .

"I'm too broken, Harry" Niall finally looked up and gave Harry a small, sad smile."I've already fallen apart."

"So we use stronger glue" Harry said with an answering smile. " We'll glue you back together, Ni" Niall was pulled into Harry's strong arms and hugged tightly and suddenly he felt safe again. Harry's little attempt at humour helped release the tension in the room and soon all of the young men were talking, really talking. Management's hold over Zayn and Niall had been broken. 

Meanwhile Louis drove around aimlessly as he struggled to get his emotions under control. He knew he was always seen as the joker of the band, the most immature one, despite being the eldest. but few realised this wasn't the real Louis. He was much older than his years in so many different ways but few were ever privileged enough to see that aspect of him. He fought down the shame that was trying to overwhelm him. He'd yelled at Niall when he should have been supportive. "Fool, fool" .he chastised himself. He pulled the car over and dropped his head down onto his hands that gripped the steering wheel. He still couldn't believe he'd missed all those warning signs. He was the eldest, he should have seen. And damn Management. How dare they do that to Zayn and Niall. Management were as equally responsible as he was for this. Louis sat and brooded until the bleep of his phone broke into his thoughts. 

" He's on his way back" Harry announced, pocketing his phone. "Now young Niall, if you are up to it, we really do need to have that talk. It's long overdue" Niall shook his head, he felt exhausted, his throat and stomach hurt and his head was beginning to ache.

" Can we do this later, I'm not feeling good" Niall spoke quietly.

"Do you think you should go to the hospital, Mate?" Liam went straight into Daddy Directioner mode. "You really should"

"No" Zayn spoke this time, his tone firm " We'd have to explain and it would get out"

"But he needs to see a doctor" Liam was worried.

"Look, I'll see my doctor if I have to but no hospital. I just need to sleep. Don't make me go,Li" Niall looked at Liam, his blue eyes begging him to not make him go.

"OK, but if you don't feel better after you've slept, you're going!" Liam's tone made it clear that Niall would have no choice. "Let's get you upstairs". He scooped Niall up easily and carried him upstairs placing him gently on the bed. Zayn lay down next to Niall and pulled him into his chest, smoothing his hand over Niall's head as Liam stood and watched. Niall very quickly drifted into sleep, worn out by the events of the night. "Will you stay with him, Zee? The boys and I need to talk. We'll fill you in later" Zayn nodded then turned his attention back to the boy he was cuddling and Liam quietly left the room.

When he got back down stairs he saw Louis was back and was in deep conversation with Harry as they discussed how best to help Niall. They looked up as Liam entered the room and soon the planning for the future was well under way.

"And I am going to do it " Louis' tone made it clear he wasn't going to be stopped.

"But Lou...." Harry sounded worried "What if it backfires?"

"You want to go through this for a third and possibly final time?" Louis snapped

"No, you're right" Harry agreed but he sounded reluctant. But was it wise? Louis could be like a bull in a china shop at the best of times. What if it went wrong. He bit his lip.

"I actually agree with Lou" Liam said , surprising Harry.

"Right, that's settled" Louis sounded both pleased and determined. "We just need to tell Zayn"

"And exactly why are you here, Mr Tomlinson?" Stephen, Head of Management, said in his most patronising tone as he looked at the young man sat opposite him. "I can't possibly imagine what a youngster like you has to tell me. I'm far to busy to deal with your childish tantrums". Louis stood up, placing his hands on Stephen's desk and leant forward so he was almost in the older man's face.

 

"I want to know why you tried to destroy the band. And more to the point, why you risked my bandmate's life, just to cover up your actions?" Louis hissed.

 

"I have no idea what you are on about, young man. Now if you don't mi….."

 

"But I do mind. And you DO know what I'm talking about. You removed Zayn from the band, forbade him to contact us. You made us think that he didn't want to know us any more. Telling us not to even bother to contact him because he wanted nothing more to do with us, that he hated us! . You did it to prevent Zayn contacting us. Do you realise what it did to Niall? He f.cking tried to kill himself. But that's OK cos you covered that up too. Well he tried again last night and if it hadn't been for Zayn, you'd have finally finished One Direction. We didn't know Niall was so down he'd do something stupid but we would have if you'd told the truth and last night might never have happened." Louis slammed his fist down on the desk then started to pace the room, trying to control his temper.

 

"Zayn contacted you? Against my express wishes?" Stephen's voice was rising in anger.

 

"No, actually. You may have told us not to contact him but you weren't so clever. You forgot to remove his contact number from us. Niall desperately needed Zayn's support so he called him. Zayn immediately knew Niall needed help and he came. He did the one thing you couldn't do, he kept Niall alive !"

 

"Get out. Get out now. You've not heard the end of this, Mr Tomlinson" Stephen's face was red with anger.

 

"Gladly. But I think you'll find that YOU are the one who has not heard the end of this" Louis walked out of room, slamming the door behind him. He grinned with satisfaction. Stephen's face actually had begun to register fear. Louis kept the smile on his face as he drove back to Niall's home. only becoming more serious as he wondered just how they were going to help Niall.

 

"How's Niall" Louis asked as soon as he had arrived. Only Liam was downstairs. Harry had crashed in the guest room just after Louis had left to talk to Management. 

 

"Still sleeping. I've been up and checked on him. Zee says he's been peaceful all night but he has a bit of a temperature. Nothing major though. We're just letting him sleep it out in the hopes that's what's best. I do want him to see a doctor though. And then there is the problems with the pills" Liam finished..

"What problem" Louis wondered. After all, Niall had been made to throw them all up. "Oh, of course. He'll need more to control the MS. How are we going to get out of that? D*mn.!"

 

"Exactly" Liam agreed . "We could say he got upset and flushed them down the toilet. But then we also need help for him. I don't know, mate. Maybe Harry or Zayn have a better idea. He paused then asked " How was your talk with Management?" Louis grinned at him before replying that it had gone according to plan and that he had Stephen afraid. 

 

"Any chance of it backfiring?" Liam worried.

 

"Always that danger but if it does, we go public.No, not about Niall" Louis correctly interpreted Liam's expression " but I'm sure Zee will be happy to talk. I think Stephen knows we can and will so hopefully nothing will happen." 

 

'Hey" Niall walked slowly into the room and sat down on the couch, snuggling up to Louis. Zayn followed behind, looking absolutely exhausted. He had stayed awake the whole night to make sure Niall was Ok and now he desperately needed sleep. Liam looked at him before standing up and quietly guiding him back upstairs and into the guest room where Harry was already sleeping. "Get some rest, we'll look after Ni" Liam said firmly. Zayn was only to happy to obey and no sooner had he laid down next to Harry, he was fast asleep. 

 

"How are you feeling, Ni? " Louis asked softly and got one of Niall's sweet smiles in response.

 

"Fine, m' throat's a bit rough but I feel Ok. I'm....I'm sorry about last night. It was stupid of me. I just...." His voice faded away as he found himself unable to explain his actions. He'd tried to explain that you can't fix broken but they didn't believe him. In the cold light of day, he could see how foolish he'd been but last night it seemed the only answer.

 

"Bro, we are just so happy you are still here. We need to have our Nialler" Liam said warmly. " But Ni, you should see your doctor, mate"

 

"No, no doctor" Niall grumbled. 

 

"But Ni, you need medication. We have to sort that out and what if you did some damage to yourself last night?" Liam persisted.

 

"Mate, you also need some help. Last night....." Louis was the one unable to continue this time.

 

"Lou, I'll talk to that psychologist my Neurologist has arranged. That's as far as I'm going. Don't push me too far" Niall's tonne made it clear he wasn't going to listen so they both backed off.

 

"Breakfast?" Liam asked and got a big smile from the little Irish man. 

 

"Now you're talking, Payno"

 

Niall managed a few bites of the pancakes Liam whipped up and Liam and Louis were pleased to watch a tiny bit of color return to his otherwise pale cheeks. The conversation around the dining table was kept light and cheerful, everyone reluctant to talk about the events of the night. Just now and then a shadow crossed Niall's face as his own thoughts took him to dark places but he shook them off . He knew the boys were right, he needed professional help but somehow he didn't feel he could talk to anyone. The one person he knew he could talk to and who would totally understand, was Zayn. But could he place such a burden on him when he knew Zayn had his own demons to fight. Maybe that's why he knew Zayn would help. He'd been to the edge himself. Niall drifted into thought only to have his attention grabbed when Louis suddenly screamed "Hazza!" and jumped up and onto Harry's back as he came into the dining room , following the smell of pancakes and bacon.

Niall shuffled in his chair uneasily. He'd been asked a question he didn't want to answer but didn't know how to avoid it. The Psychologist just continued to sit there quietly, smiling at him but saying nothing. Niall folded his arms and crossed his legs , his body language revealing his need to block the question., as the silence grew. He shrugged , unwilling to speak but still the silence stretched out before him. "Niall?" He looked up at her.

 

"I don't know" he whispered. "I just couldn't face it. It seemed the only way out."

 

"And do you still believe that?" she questioned quietly.

 

"Maybe, I don't know, yes!" he pushed up from his chair and started pacing the room.

 

"Would you like to tell me why?" that quiet voice, pushing him for answers.

 

"I don't know, just leave it…please..just leave it" Niall buried his face in his hands as he sat back in the chair. The room became silent once more though Niall fidgeted fretfully.

 

"I think this may be a good point to stop for today, Niall. How do you feel about that?" That quiet voice again. He nodded and stood to leave.

 

"Niall? I need to to be honest with me. It's the only way I can help you". The soft voice of the counsellor said gently.

 

"I don't want your help. I don't need it. I just want to be left alone. Don't you people understand. Leave me alone". Niall hurried from the room and Louis who had been waiting outside for him had to hurry to catch up.

 

"Slow down, mate" Louis finally caught up with him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "How about we go clubbing tonight, do something fun. What do you say?" Niall just shook his head. Home was where he wanted to be , away from everyone and their fussing and questions. "Right then, lads night in it is" Louis said, leading Niall to the car.

 

Harry, Liam and Zayn were waiting for them, anxious to know how Niall's appointments had gone. Niall headed straight upstairs 'to shower' he said , leaving Louis to fill the others in. "He's had his medication changed....once weekly injections now ...not much chance of him trying something with that, especially as he hates needles. Not sure about the counselling. I don't think it went great as I heard him shouting he didn't need or want help. He stormed out of the room. I just don't know, lads. He needs the help but he's not accepting it" Louis looked as worried as he sounded.

 

"Bro, he'll come round" Zayn said softly " He's going through so much. He just needs time to think it all through. We jus have to be there for him"

 

Niall wandered down the stairs at that point and the conversation turned to lighter topics with Niall and Louis bickering about who supported the best 'footie' team. Once the snacks and beer were brought out, spirits got progressively higher as the boys got more and more drunk.Eventually Harry, Liam and Louis passed out ,stretched on various couches and chairs leaving Zayn and Niall still awake. Alcohol had broken down their inhibitions and the conversation became more serious.

 

"Ni, why did you do it?" Zayn wanted to know

 

"Honestly? I don't know Zee. Cowardice, mainly. I don't think I can live with becoming nothing but a wreck. That's not living.I thought I could go out on a high, before it got bad. It seemed like it was the right answer" Niall said quietly.

 

"But what about your family, us? Didn't you think how we'd feel? We love you, bro. You are meant to be here with us" Zayn's emotions were close to the surface and for once he wanted someone to see the pain he felt.

 

"I didn't think. I know it was selfish of me , Zee, but I just wanted it to end.I still do...maybe....I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Everything got on top of me and I couldn't break free. The hate from fans, you leaving, Management, having to keep secrets from the other lads, now this illness. It just kept piling on until it was crushing me.I just wanted out and didn't think beyond the peace I needed"

 

"Niall, will you promise me something? Will you promise that if ever you want to do this again, you'll talk to me first? Let me help you. Suicide isn't the answer, believe me. Just promise?" Zayn held up his pinkie finger

 

Niall looked into Zayn's golden eyes and saw the pain he had caused him by twice trying to take his own life. As he stared into the shifting depths of those sad eyes, he knew that he had to promise and once that promise was made, he'd keep it. Finally he nodded his head, linking his own pinkie finger around Zayn's "I promise.".

 

The two men sat in silence for a time then gradually Niall started grinning. "How about we prank the lads?" he whispered."I know just what to do". He scooted closer to Zayn and whispered rapidly in his ear". Zayn's smile got bigger and bigger. If they could pull it off, it would be epic!


	9. You Should Have Let Me Die

Niall stood back and admired his handiwork before turning to look at Zayn's efforts. He couldn't help at grin at the results of their joint efforts. Revenge would be sweet. He'd been the butt of so many of Louis' little schemes so it was about time he got to return the favour. He started to giggle and Zayn drank in the happy sound. Even though he knew it probably wouldn't last, he was thrilled to see a glimpse of the 'old' Niall. He'd really missed Niall and just wished he could undo everything the little Irish lad had gone and was still going through. Zayn whipped out his phone and took a quick photo of Niall's grinning face before taking photographs of the three sleeping young men, now gorgeously 'adorned'. They certainly had given Lou Teasdale a run for her money. Now all they had to do was wait!

 

Zayn went into the kitchen, pushing up his long sleeves prior to washing the paint off his hands and Niall followed him, chatting animatedly about the prank. Then he suddenly went silent and Zayn looked at him anxiously. Niall was staring at Zayn's wrists with a look of complete horror on his face, his mouth open in shock.White scars stood out starkly against Zayn's darker skin. Zayn hurriedly pulled his sleeves down but it was too late. Niall raised his eyes to Zayn's face and whispered one word.."Why?"

 

Niall sat down at the kitchen table watching Zayn closely as he made them both tea. Zayn hadn't spoken yet and he appeared lost in thought as if he'd gone somewhere else in his mind and just left his body behind. Eventually the tea was ready and he placed the mugs down on the table before taking a seat facing his friend. Zayn was reluctant to speak but he knew Niall deserved an answer. It was just that he was finding it hard to get his thoughts in some kind of order. Finally he spoke.

 

"I just couldn't live with the lies, Ni. You knew part of it but there was so much more to it all. I just struggled with all the deception , the rumours I had to live with and lies I wasn't allowed to deny. I stopped taking my medication and it just crumbled around me. It seemed like the only way at the time. I nearly destroyed you. Knowing that you all probably hated me and I couldn't even share the truth with you guys. I wanted ...I don't know.....peace.....freedom. I don't know how to explain it. It was stupid because it would only transfer my pain to others but I couldn't think straight" Zayn took a sip of his tea as he tried to think of a way of explaining the depths to which he had sunk in his depression. " Maybe it's something I can never get people to understand.I needed to be able to have some control over my own life, I suppose. And I thought that way, I did"

 

Niall listened without interruption then stretched his hand across the table to place it over Zayn's trembling one. He understood. He really understood. Somehow Zayn had put into words the jumble of emotions that he had gone through himself. It was about that loss of control, of being helpless. The not being able to think straight. He raised his blue eyes, bright with tears, to look into Zayn's "Promise me, if you ever feel that way again, you will come to me?" Zayn smiled slightly to hear Niall use the same words to him as he had to Niall earlier that night. He raised his little finger up and Niall hooked his own around it. "Pinkie promise" they said in unison .

 

"Sup, lads" Louis chirped as he suddenly walked into the kitchen and Zayn and Niall started to howl with laughter, getting more and more hysterical until Niall was curled up on the floor absolutely helpless. Louis stood there in confusion until Harry walked in having been woken by the laughter. He pointed at Louis bursting into laughter only to get the same reaction from Louis. They both then raced to the nearest mirror. Harry was now sporting green hair,up in bunches, tied with pink ribbons and with round black spectacles on his face. Louis' hair was blue, parted in the middle and plastered down, his stubble has been tinted a bright red whilst he had a monocle painted on his left eye. If they looked like that, what had the boys done to Liam? They nearly tripped over in their rush to look. Liam had definitely got the worst of it they thought, as he slept peacefully on with one eyebrow a bright yellow, one bright pink and his beard shaved into stripes which Zayn had carefully painted a tasteful purple and orange. That particular picture was definitely being tweeted. 

 

The next few weeks were very relaxed for all of the lads. They split their time between each others homes just hanging out and chilling. Niall wasn't overly happy at having to inject himself with the new medication that had been prescribed but understood that it was probably wisest . He could hardly expect people to trust him with pills given his track record in that department. And if it kept the MS from relapsing, he decided he'd live with anything that helped. He had refused point blank to see the psychologist again but regular talks with Zayn had been helpful. Although Zayn continued to be fairly reticent with the other lads , with Niall he was open and honest and ,in return ,he found himself understanding his own depression better. He'd gone back to taking his medication and gradually felt like he could face the world again. Now the truth was coming out, it was liberating and he finally started to feel free once more.

 

"You ok, Nialler?" Liam asked one evening. Niall had been quieter that day which was very noticeable as he'd been very bright and perky for the past week.Niall was also shifting in his chair as if he was very uncomfortable.

 

"I've got a terrible pain on one side of my body and it just feels so weird. It hurts, Li" Niall sounded really miserable so Liam immediately went to give him a cuddle. The moment his arm went around his smaller friend, Niall screamed in pain. "Don't " and Liam released him in alarm. Niall closed his eyes and breathed deeply until the pain had receded a little. "Sorry Li, it just hurts too much to be touched"

 

"Do you need to go to the hospital, Ni" Liam studied Niall's pale face anxiously but got a weak smile and a shake of the head from his bandmate. Niall gradually relaxed a little and he was able to give Liam grin.

 

"Nah. I'll live. I think I'm going to go up to bed though. I'm pretty tired" He stood up and started to move but his left leg collapsed him and it was only Liam's quick reflexes in catching him that prevented him falling to the floor. Niall looked at Liam in terror. "Li……..........."

"Ni, are you OK?" Liam said worriedly " I really think I should take you to the hospital. Please, let me so they can check you over"

 

"No, Li. Seriously, it's OK. I don't need to go . It was just a passing pain and it's gone now. I'm really tired and only need to sleep. I'll be up and running tomorrow" Niall spoke dismissively but his words were belied by his extremely pale face and the sheen of sweat on his forehead. Liam really wanted to force the issue but was afraid that if he pushed Niall, he would become even more stubborn. 

 

"As long as you're sure. Do you want me to stay the night? It's no problem" Liam was hoping Niall would agree as he was reluctant to leave him on his own in case something happened. What if?....no , he couldn't think like that. He had to trust Niall but there was that nagging fear.

 

"Na, I'm good. You go home. I'll see you tomorrow." Niall settled back into his bed. Liam sighed mentally. He really didn't want to go but if Niall said he'd be fine then he had to accept it.

 

"Ni, you won't.........um........you'll be alright?" Liam spoke hesitantly. How did one tactfully ask another person if they were in danger of harming themselves? How could he put his fear into words?

 

"Li, I'm going to be fine. I will see you in the morning. Stop worrying, Daddy! Now go and get some sleep yourself" Niall said firmly. Liam admitted defeat and after wishing Niall a good night and reminding him he could ring at any time if he needed help, Liam left.

 

Niall lay in the dark room and stared at the ceiling. The pain he had experienced earlier had passed but his muscles ached as a result. He moved restlessly trying to find a comfortable position but nothing really worked. Eventually he gave up, turned on the bedside light, climbed out of bed and headed down the stairs to his sitting room. Choosing one of his guitars, he sat on the couch and started to play in an attempt to distract himself. It didn't work. His fingers kept fumbling and his frustration with himself, grew. He thought back to what the Specialist nurse had told him about flare ups and slowly it dawned on him that that was probably what was happening. They were due to do an interview and also a live TV show tomorrow to promote the new album. How was he going to cover this up? Niall cursed long and loud. It wasn't fair. He laid his guitar down at his feet then covered his face with his hands as hot tears fell from his eyes.

 

Niall woke up as the sun streamed through the windows and fell across his face. He felt groggy and disorientated until he realised he must have fallen asleep downstairs and not tucked up in his bed. Standing slowly , he then paused to make sure he had his balance before heading back up to his room to prepare for the day. If I move more slowly, he thought, I should get away with this. Nobody will notice if I'm careful. Niall wasn't ready to tell the world yet and he certainly didn't want the lads to be fussing over him every two seconds. He just wanted to feel normal, he wanted to be the same Niall that he was before all this. . He didn't want to be treated differently because of MS.

 

Hair styled, fully dressed, Niall waited for Liam to come and collect him. He had really wanted to drive himself but Liam had vetoed that. Niall hated to agree with Liam , but secretly he knew he was right.It rankled that he was watching his independence disappearing.Would he end up having to have someone do everything for him as things got worse? No, pinkie promise or not, he wouldn't live like that.The honking of a car horn broke into his musings and he headed slowly out, pinning a smile on his face, as he got into Liam's car.

 

THe interview started off well. Niall's brain felt really foggy but fortunately Louis and Liam did most of the talking. It was only when he was asked a direct question that things went wrong. "And what have you got planned for the hiatus, Niall?" Niall heard the words but his brain refused to function. He looked at her blankly as he tried to form a coherent sentence. 

 

"I....I....ummmm". Niall was floundering and he could feel the panic rising. Louis jumped in quickly, saying that he and Niall had plans to don disguises and post "Where's Wally?" type photographs on Instagram. That drew a laugh from everyone and Niall sank back in relief that it was over.. Just the show to go now. He felt his heart sink. What if it happened again. He cringed at the thought.

 

Niall was terrified . He was hanging on , but only by a thread. He knew he was getting the words wrong and some of the fans began to boo. He tried to focus but his stress levels rising and he knew the words were slipping away from him. He desperately wanted it to end and finally it got to the last song. Harry announced "I want to write you a song". It was when Louis finished singing the chorus that Niall realised he was going to fail miserably. With a shaky voice he started his solo:

 

"I want to write you a song

One to make your heart remember me

So any time I'm gone

You can ...... you can ...................... " sweat soaked through his clothing as his voice faded to nothing .The words were swirling around in his head but he couldn't get them out of his mouth. He turned panic stricken eyes to Louis before dropped his mike and stumbled off the set. The audience were shocked into silence.

 

"errrm. Sorry about that" Harry spoke as calmly as possible. " Niall has a tummy bug and he's not feeling too great. You've been great and we love you. We've been One Direction" The lads all hurriedly left the set, desperate to see their bandmate and find out if he was all right.

 

They found Niall curled up on a couch in the dressing room, Lou Teasdale sat beside him, gently stroking his hair in an attempt to calm and relax him . His clothes were soaked through with sweat and he was shivering and shaking.They stood around him in silence, wondering what they could say that would console the distraught little Irish man.

 

"Why didn't you let me go? he said bitterly " . You should have let me die like I wanted. I don't want to live like this."

 

"Don't say that, please don't" Harry normally managed to control his emotions but Niall's words cut deep and his eyes became unnaturally bright with the tears he was holding back.

 

"Leave me alone. Go away" Niall had yelled at them. They slowly walked out of the room . Once outside Liam told the others that Niall would probably feel better after some alone time. They had all had shows that had gone wrong for them and usually an hour of their own company had helped. They decided to go get something to eat and collect Niall afterwards.

 

"Ni, are you ready to lea..............." Louis burst into the dressing room stopping in surprise when he found it empty. Frowning, he checked the rest rooms and surrounding area but couldn't find Niall. He checked with the studio staff but nobody had seen him . The boys split up and began to search, getting more and more worried as the minutes passed and still no sign of Niall.. Louis felt cold to the bone as he recalled Niall's bitter words. No, Niall wouldn't..........would he?


	10. Just A  Few More Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS APPLY

Niall knew it was stupid to run off like he did and he was sure the other lads would be going frantic, but he really needed to be completely alone to think things through. He'd really messed up the show and having fans boo him really hurt. He wanted to cover up his illness but he had to come clean and tell the fans. They deserved to know. And he had to tell his parents. What was he going to say? He hated this so much. He didn't want to live like this but he either had to or take the other path. Could he do that to his family, the lads and the fans. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.

 

It was peaceful on the rooftop and Niall felt that he could see forever up there. The sun was going down and the sky was pink and golden. It was so peaceful, even the song of the traffic below was muted. He moved closer to the edge and peered over . The cars below looked so small that they looked like children's toys. Niall smiled at the thought, thinking how some things loomed so large and others were insignificant. His smile faded. That was it, he was insignificant. If he left, people would miss him for a time but they'd move on. He didn't really matter that much in the scheme of things. Just a speck of dust in life's world. He sat down on the low balustrade and watched as the sun finally dipped down and it became twilight.

 

Meanwhile the lads and security were going frantic in the search for Niall. Liam had phoned Zayn to see if he had heard but Zayn said he'd not seen Niall that day. The bodyguards were systematically going through the building room by room whilst the studio team watched the playbacks of the security cameras. Harry bounced with impatience as he watched with them. Finally one showed Niall leaving the dressing room and heading through a door that was opposite. "Where does that lead to?" he asked quickly. On being told it was the way to the stairwell that lead to the roof, Harry raced out . His heart was pounding in his chest. No, no, no was his only thought.

 

Harry burst through the door that lead onto the flat roof , his breathing ragged. He blew out air in relief when he saw Niall sat on the balustrade, gazing out over the city. Niall turned at the sound of Harry's arrival but made no move to get up from his perch. Harry paused, trying to get his breathing under control. He eyed Niall carefully to see if he could assess his mood. Had Niall come here to take his own life? Was it to be the third and very final time? Harry was petrified. He didn't know if he should walk over to Niall or stay where he was. Would he push Niall into jumping if he got to close? But if I'm close, he thought, I have a chance of grabbing him. Harry felt himself shaking as he continued to look at his bandmate.

 

"Hey Nialler, we've been looking for you, mate" he finally said quietly. "They are turning the building upside down hunting for you".

 

"I'm sorry, I just needed to be really alone. I messed up and I wanted to find somewhere to think. It's beautiful up here. Makes me realise how insignificant I am" Niall's voice was equally quiet.

 

"I'll call off the search then, is that OK?" Harry asked carefully. He got a nod of assent from Niall and quickly sent out a group text to let the others know he was with Niall and they were on the roof. He prayed they wouldn't come rushing up and spook Niall. Harry still didn't know what Niall was intending to do. He seemed calm but then Harry had read somewhere that once some people had decided on suicide, they became calm and almost happy. Was it this way with Niall? He inched closer when Niall turned his head back to the view he had been studying before Harry's arrival. If he could just get a bit closer.

 

"Look how tiny everything is. The cars look like toys" Niall leaned over a bit further and Harry's heart leapt into his mouth. "Even the people look like ants" Niall giggled . Harry slowly moved forward. Just a few more feet or so and he'd be there. Both he and Niall could hear the heavy pounding of feet on the stairs and Harry's face blanched white. What if this went wrong and it pushed Niall? He heard Niall sigh heavily and then begin to stand up, he wobbling dangerously. Harry screamed and stretched out his arms as Niall began to tumble.

Niall slowly sat up looking confused and annoyed, his hand held against the cut in his head that was bleeding profusely. "Haz, why' d ya do that? I've cut my f.cking head open" Niall grumbled loudly.

 

"Bu…bu...but you were going to ....j....j...j..ump" Harry stuttered out, still white with shock.

 

"No, I wasn't. I was just standing up" Niall sounded even more confused.

 

"You..you...were falling. I thought you were going to.......and I...... " Harry was having trouble speaking . He was shaking with shock as he had been convinced Niall had been about to jump."You..weren't?" he finally managed. He sat down on the ground, still shaking violently

 

"No, I just wobbled when I stood up. You didn't really think I was going to..........you did, didn't you? Haz?" Niall took in Harry's white face and shaking body then struggled to his feet . He threw his arms around Harry and hugged him tightly " I wanted to at one point" he confessed " Maybe was even going to but then you came on the roof and I started remembering all the fun stuff we've had together and it somehow became wrong to end it like that. Niall released Harry and looked into his face. "You really do care about me, don't you" he whispered then buried his head in the crook of harry's neck.

Louis and Liam stood silently watching their two bandmates before walking forward to join them. "Yes, mate, we do care and if you ever scare us this way again, I will personally feed you to Naughty Boy as a snack" Louis sassed before he joined in the hug. "I think we'd better take you to the hospital though, Ni. That cut of yours is bleeding over you and Harry. It looks pretty bad. How does it feel?" He offered a hand to each man, pulling them to their feet.

 

"Cracking headache." Niall admitted. 

"Can you walk OK?" Liam wanted to know. Niall took a few steps but it was obvious he was still shaky on his feet so Liam quickly scooped him up and carried him down stairs and out to the SUV where their security was waiting for them. It was a short drive to the hospital and Niall was quickly whisked away to be assessed. The boys waited anxiously for an update although they were fairly sure it wouldn't be serious.

 

"Horan family?" a middle aged doctor had appeared in the doorway.

 

"That's us" Liam responded quickly.

 

" Is one of you Mr Tomlinson?"

 

"Yes, that's me" Louis said, putting up his hand slightly

" We have you as being Mr Horan's emergency contact so we are able to share information , but only with you I'm afraid."

"They can hear too. We're brothers" Louis replied.

 

"In that case, I can tell you Mr Horan is fine. He's has had to have some stitches to close the cut in his head as it was quite deep. He has just been sent to have a scan to make sure that there is no underlying damage but that is merely a precaution. He does have mild concussion and we've given him pain medication for his headache We would like to keep him in for a few days as it appears his MS is also in a flare up. I've spoke to his Neurologist and we have agreed to tweak his medication a little to increase it's effectiveness . It will be much easier to monitor if he is an in-patient and it will benefit him more if we can get the most efficient dose for him. You may see him if you'd like?" All the boys eagerly agreed that they would like that so the doctor invited them to follow him. "This is his room. He'll be back from the scan shortly. You are welcome to stay until 9pm then I must ask that only one of you stay overnight". He smiled pleasantly then left them to wait for their little leprechaun.

 

The boys fidgeted with their phones while they waited for Niall to be brought to his room. They had decided that Harry would be the one to stay with Niall that night. Harry didn't know whether to feel embarrassed because that he'd thought Niall would have jumped or because he had injured one of his best mates. "Mate, he'll understand. Don't get worked up about it. " Liam said reassuringly. "He'll know you were only looking out for him" Harry still looked miserable. They all stood up quickly when Niall appeared, being pushed in a wheelchair by a male nurse.Niall was looking very cheerful and sporting a very large bandage around his head. The nurse quickly got Niall into bed and, much to Niall's disgust, pulled up the bed rails. After making sure Niall was comfortable and advising him to use the call bell if needed, he left Niall alone with his friends.

"Ni, I'm really sorry" Harry was red with embarrassment. " I shouldn't of assumed. I'm sorry" he murmured , not meeting Niall's eyes.

"Bro, I'm the one that's sorry. I guess with my track record, well, I can see why you did it." Niall's tone was apologetic. "I ...I think I'm ready to tell the fans". He looked from face to face. "I know I have to tell my parents and Greg first but I guess it's better than trying to cover it up anymore. If I loose fans then I guess I'll have to loose fans" he said resignedly.

"Nialler, I don't think you'll loose any fans. This isn't something you've done wrong, mate. And I think the fans will support you, not go against you" Louis said seriously. "Have you thought about how you want to do this?"

"No, not yet. Just that I want to do it. I'll tell my family first, maybe go see them. Li, would you come with me?" Niall asked nervously. "I don't think I can do it alone." 

"Sure will" Liam agreed smiling warmly. "And we'll all help tell the fans, that is if you'd like. You don't have to do any of this alone"

"Oh my god, Zayn!" Louis suddenly shouted. "I haven't told him we'd found Niall" he dashed out of the room to make the call . 

Niall had started to laugh at the expression on Louis' face but then clapped his hand over his mouth as he turned a pale green color. He hurriedly pressed the nurses' call bell and the nurse who came in took in the situation in a glance and quickly held a bowl under Niall's chin as he was sick.Niall was mortified but the nurse soothingly said that it was to be expected following a head injury. Once Niall was comfortable once more , she dimmed the lights and lowered the head of Niall's bed , advising him to sleep. Liam decided this was a good time for him to leave so he hugged Niall goodbye and left him with Harry.

"Haz?" Niall said as sleep began to blur his speech "Thanks" .

"For?" Harry asked but Niall was already asleep. He stood and looked down at the young man thinking how young and innocent he looked in sleep. "I'm glad you stayed". Harry murmured as he smiled softly then curled up in the chair next to the bed knowing that Niall really was going to be fine.

"How's it going Nialler?" Liam asked as soon as he arrived in Niall's hospital room. "You're looking a bit green."

 

"I feel green" Niall admitted. "The medication they got me on seems to be helping but the side effects are gross. I'm sick of being sick. "

 

"They'll wear off though, won't they..the side effects?"

 

""Yeah, but I wish it would hurry up. Oh no..." Niall reached for the bowl that was on his bedside table and succumbed to another wave of sickness. " Uggh!" Liam passed him a glass of water so he could rinse his mouth out from the horrid taste just as a nurse arrived.

 

"Sick again, you poor lamb" the nurse said. "But I think this will help" She handed Niall two pills and some water. "They should stop you being sick." Niall swallowed them gratefully and then sat quietly as the nurse checked his blood pressure and temperature before leaving him and Liam alone.

 

"Li, I'm being discharged tomorrow. I've made up my mind I'll fly over to see my parents. I suppose I better tell them. Will you come with me? "

 

"Ni, of course I will. And have you thought about telling the fans afterwards?"

"Yes, but I don't know how. Interview maybe…I still haven't told Management or Simon yet"Niall admitted.

 

"You need to tell Simon first. Management...not sure what's best there. But if you do it by interview, Management will want control" Liam sounded worried. The added danger was in Management finding out that Zayn had broken his agreement with them and had contacted the boys. That was going to cause big trouble and he couldn't see a way around that. He voiced his concerns to Niall.

"That's right" Niall frowned as he remembered. "Zee was meant to stay away. And neither he or I was supposed to tell you the real reason he left. What a mess. And it's all m y fault."

 

"Your fault? What makes you think that?" Liam was puzzled.

 

"If I hadn't called Zayn that night, he'd not be involved now and you lads wouldn't have found out. I screwed up"

 

"Mate, no, it isn't your fault so don't blame yourself." Liam said firmly. Then, since they were talking about Zayn, he decided that it was as good a time as any to tell Niall that Zayn was leaving for Los Angeles the next day . Niall stared at him in shock.

 

"He's going? But I thought...." Niall swallowed convulsively " I thought he was staying. I hoped that now we were all back together, he'd stay". Niall looked down at his hands as he twisted his fingers together.

 

"Ni, he never came to stay. He only came because he was worried about you. Bro, Zayn has his own life now and it doesn't include us any more. He's moved on and his future isn't with us" Liam said gently. 

 

"I know" Niall sighed "but I thought that maybe, now we are all back talking and you all know the truth, that he'd at least stay"

 

"Bro, you know he wasn't happy. The band wasn't what he wanted. He only stayed for us until he just couldn't stay any longer. It only made him depressed and he didn't want to live that way". Liam tried to explain but he could still see the upset in Niall's eyes. Niall adored Zayn and looked up to him as an older brother.Liam wished that he didn't have to tell Niall but knew it was for the best. 

 

"Li, could you go now please?" Niall asked quietly " I want to sleep". He rolled on his side to face away from Liam, curled up into a little ball. Liam worried about Niall's sudden withdrawal but knew it wouldn't do to try and push him into talking. He had to allow him space to think things through in his own way. He patted Niall's shoulder gently then quietly left, his own thoughts spinning in his head.

 

Day moved into night and the house was very quiet. Harry and Liam had gone back to their own homes and Louis had long since gone to bed. Zayn sat on his own bed, staring into space. It had been an eventful few weeks. At least the boys all finally knew the truth behind him leaving the band. And Niall had promised him that he'd talk to him if ever things got so bad that he wasn't coping. He smiled when he recalled that Niall had extracted the same promise from himself. But all this didn't change anything. He was leaving tomorrow and that was the end of it. He'd be saying goodbye all over again.

 

Niall was also awake. He had done nothing but think since asking Liam to leave. He knew Liam was right, that Zayn couldn't stay longer and he, Niall, also had to work out his own future and it wouldn't include Zayn. He had to tell his parents, his brother, Simon, Management and the fans about the MS. Much as he tried to put it off, he knew it he couldn't cover it up forever. A future, he thought, and what will that be like? All the things he used to think were possible, more performing, a wife and family. Were those dreams turning into ashes? Would any woman want to marry him now? Life was going to revolve around remissions and flare ups, medication and limitations. 

 

Niall thought through it all. Time to man up and face it. He saw Harry's face in his memory. The expression on his face when he thought that he, Niall, was about to jump. The relief on the faces of Liam and Louis as they stood there up on that roof. They obviously cared about him Niall had made his choice that night . He had made a mental promise to them and he wasn't going to break it. Whatever he had to deal with, he would. He would fight this MS every step of the way and fight to win. Yes, he had made his choice..he would live.


	11. Help And Hiccups

Niall sat nervously waiting for his family to arrive at the Hotel , his left leg constantly jigging up and down and his hands twisting the hem of his Tee-shirt. "Ni, calm down". Liam put his hand on Niall's knee to still the restless movement. "Stop working yourself up, it will be fine" Liam said in a reassuring tone. 

"I just don't know how to begin, Li." Niall whispered. "How do I explain?"

 

"Just go with the basics and then answer any questions they have. I'll be with you and I'll help. Remember, you are not doing this alone, mate." Liam answered and got a weak smile in response from Niall. "They're here, Ni" . 

 

"Niall, Liam, it's great to see you both" Bobby gave both young men a hug and then moved aside to let Maura and Greg have their turn. Maura, with a mother's intuition, eyed her son carefully, noting the strain than clouded his normally sparkling blue eyes. She frowned slightly. Whatever it was that was wrong, she knew that she would have to possess her soul in patience as Niall could never be hurried.

 

"Let's go into the restaurant " Liam said, taking Maura's arm " We've a lot to catch up on". The others followed, Bobby with an arm flung over his youngest son's shoulders. Once they had all placed their orders and been served, Niall cleared his throat nervously, looking at Liam who nodded encouragingly. 

 

"Ma, Da" Niall began " I .....it's great to see you guys. I've missed you whilst we've been on tour. Skype is great but it doesn't really cut it". He couldn't do it. He couldn't get the words out of his mouth. I'm a coward, he thought to himself. Maybe I'll leave it.

 

"Niall James Horan" Liam spoke firmly , looking at his bandmate.

 

"Ok, Ok" Niall sighed. "Ma.Da...I have been diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis." He squeezed his eyes shut as he spoke, getting the words out quickly.

 

"Multiple ..what?" Bobby asked

 

"Multiple Sclerosis. MS , Da" Niall said looking down at his plate so he didn't have to see the expressions on everyones faces. "It's treatable but there's no cure".

 

"Sweetheart" Maura said gently to Niall ' how long have you known?"

 

" About a month , Ma. I had a few problems with things but didn't think it was anything serious. Turns out I was wrong".

 

"But why didn't you tell me, tell your Da?" Maura asked 

 

"Because I was scared, am scared. Didn't want to accept it." Niall spoke quietly, finally looking around at the faces of his family. "I've worked it out though, I've got it and now I have to live with it"

 

"It can be treated though" Greg started asking his own questions "There is medication and stuff, isn't there?"

 

"Yeah, there is. I have intramuscular injections once a week. Plus some other stuff. It can go into remission or it can flare up. I had a flare last week but it's Ok now".

 

"But what about the band?" Greg continued his line of thought "Does this mean you'll leave?"

 

"No" Liam answered this time. "We have our hiatus now so Niall can rest up and get used to managing his condition but we'll still remain as OneD"

 

"Hmmmh" was Greg's response. He thought Niall should give up and stay home, live a normal life now.

 

"I'm not giving up, Greg. I need to be normal, I want things to be as normal as they can be for me". Niall's tone was as firm as Liam's

 

"Well, I don't agree" Greg stood up and stormed out of the restaurant, drawing the attention of several other diners as he left. Maura and Bobby looked after his retreating figure. Bobby shook his head sadly as his eyes followed his eldest son. Greg loved his younger brother but lately he had seemed to be more and more jealous of his little brother's fame, hating that Niall was away so much. He'd have to speak to Greg later but now his youngest son needed his support.

 

"Da, there's something else I need to tell you but please, please don't be angry with me" Niall's voice was shaking with nervousness. "I didn't want to, I couldn't, I........ Li? Help me" A slow tear trickled down Niall's face and he wiped it away hurriedly, embarrassed by his own weakness.

 

" Niall and I discussed whether he should tell you this next bit of information and we think it's best you know as you never can tell what the media may get hold of and distort. It won't be pleasant to hear. Niall, I know, is afraid of you judging him over this and being angry but please promise you'll hear us out?" Liam looked from Maura to Bobby and both nodded their heads in assent. "Ni , do you want to ?" Liam asked Niall who shook his head and waved his hand to indicate Liam should continue. Liam took a deep breath " Niall was obviously really upset by his diagnosis and one thing and another lead him to do something rather rash". Liam paused, hoping he was choosing his words carefully " He drank a rather a lot and took a few pills too many". He couldn't bring himself to be blunt.

 

"Attempted suicide" Bobby said baldly. "He attempted suicide"

 

""Yes, he did. But fortunately Zayn got worried about him and Niall was found in time. Zayn knew what to do and saved Niall's life"

 

"Zayn? But he left the band. Why was he with you? I thought he'd deserted you" Bobby questioned.

 

"Da, I rang him to tell him about the MS but chickened out. He got worried and came over from the States. "

 

Maura got up and knelt by her son's chair and hugged him closely to her. " Oh Niall, oh my sweet baby boy" her own tears were flowing now. " I'll never be able to thank Zayn enough for saving you. Oh sweetheart"

 

Bobby sat there in silence looking at Niall's mother hugging her youngest to her. He blinked rapidly to hold back his own tears. "Liam, do you have a contact number for Zayn? I'd like to thank him. Niall is...precious....to us" Bobby didn't wear his heart on his sleeve but it was obvious just how much he loved his son and his gratitude to Zayn was beyond measure. Liam smiled as he wrote down Zayn's number and handed it to Bobby, receiving the same smile that he'd seen so often on Niall's face.

 

"I'm sorry Ma, Da. I know it was wrong, stupid, selfish but it got too much. I'm sorry" Niall tried to apologise.

 

"Niall James Horan, don't you dare do that again. And you go to Confession to ask forgiveness" Maura's relief finally allowed her to speak freely once more. Niall grinned at her knowing he'd better do just that or he'd never hear the end of it. He looked at Liam and mouthed 'Thank you' to him. Liam smiled and winked in return, happy that Niall was now relaxed and smiling once more.

 

The rest of the meal was spent in talk of Niall's treatment, plans for the break, the coming Christmas and what the lads had been up to on the last tour. Zayn's presence and the help he had given to Niall was also part of the conversation. Now that it was out in the open, Niall found himself able to talk about it more openly though he didn't tell his parents that this was the second time Zayn had saved his life. He was relieved that his parents now knew everything....well almost everything...and now he could look forward once more. He grinned up at Liam, his blue eyes sparkling once more, knowing that whatever he had to face, he'd face it with three lads to help him. Now the only problem on the horizon was Greg…his face fell.

Niall threw his phone down on the couch in disgust. He felt really hurt but there was nothing he could do about it. He sighed heavily.

 

"Still not answering you, Ni ?" Harry asked, his voice laced with concern.

 

"Nope. He isn't answering calls, texts or voice mails. I've been trying for days. All I get is random tweets that he leaves up for a few hours then deletes. He just won't talk to me. Da and Ma have tried but he refuses to talk about it with them" Niall's hurt was seeping into his words and Harry and Louis exchanged glances.

 

"Mate, maybe he needs time to think it through, like you did. Don't stress about it. He'll come round." Louis said . "He's a stubborn git....like you". He ruffled the hair of the smaller man sitting beside him. "Now, what about the fans? How are we doing this?"

 

"We?" Niall asked 

 

"Yes, 'we'" Harry said. "You don't think we are letting you face this alone do you. We are here for the long haul so get used to it." Niall gave him one of his beautiful and radiant smiles in response.

 

"Uncle Si has got an interview lined up for me...well us, if you want to do it with me?" Harry, Liam and Louis nodded assent. "He's set it up for tomorrow"

 

"Right" Louis instantly took charge " how do you want this to go? Are you getting to see the questions in advance? Anything off topic?"

 

"No, no pre-planned questions. They've been told that I'll be sharing important news so nobody has a clue, I think. I'll, we, will just have to see how it pans out, I'm scared..." Niall raised his eyes up from his lap and looked at his bandmates. 

 

"I know, bro, but it will be better once the fans know. There may be some hate but it won't be from real fans. Directioners will be with you every step of the way." Liam stated positively " And you have us, your family and our families behind you"

 

"Except for Greg" Niall said sadly "He's not behind me"

 

"Bro, give him time" Louis said gently " and if that doesn't work, well you still will have everyone else fighting your corner." Louis was furious with Niall's older brother. He appreciated the shock of hearing one's little brother had MS had probably blindsided Greg but he , Louis , knew if it was one of his own siblings, it would awful, but he'd support them every step of the way. He wondered just what Greg's issues were. Maybe he'd call him and see if he'd talk with him.

 

"Enough serious talk" Louis chirped. "Let's do something crazy"

 

"Such as?" Liam questioned warily. He knew the direction that Louis' ideas occasionally went and it wasn't always pretty.

 

"Remember when we used to disguise ourselves and do stupid things to see how people reacted? I think we should do that again"

 

"Not today" Niall said quietly "You lads go do it. I want to rest. I'll see you later " . He stood up and walked towards the stairs and his bedroom, the others looking after him in concern.

 

"I wish Greg would talk to him" Harry watched Niall's retreating figure. " Ni really needs him right now and he's not stepping up"

 

"I feel bad about it too, Hazz, we all do. But Greg is as stubborn as Ni and you know you can't shift Niall once he's got his feet dug in"

 

"Lads, let's play FIFA. I don't think I want to go out after all" Louis' face had lost it's sparkle and his energy seemed to have suddenly ebbed. The others quickly agreed and they headed to Niall's Games room where any noise they made was unlikely to disturb Niall if he was sleeping. None of them had their minds on the game and they gradually stopped, each of them retreating into their own thoughts as the house became silent.

 

The next day:

 

"Good Morning. We have some very special guests on "Sunshine Mornings" today. It's the world's biggest boy band, it's ONE DIRECTION! . Guys, it's great to have you with us today. Now we have been promised that you have some special news to share with us and I know every Directioner is praying that you are not going to say you are breaking up permanently".

 

"No, no, nothing like that" Liam took initial charge of the conversation " This is really only a break. We've toured almost non stop for five years, made five albums and had a few major hiccups along the way. We need a break to recharge our batteries"

 

"You mention hiccups? Was Zayn leaving the band one of them? Are you still in contact with him? " Peter, the interviewer asked.

 

"Well, it was one of them but the group has pulled tighter together as a result. We all wish Zayn well, he'll always be our brother, but things have gone well since and our bonds have strengthened as result" Louis joined the conversation carefully ignoring the final question regarding contact with Zayn. Management must never know about Zayn's involvement with recent events. That was one secret they were all now bound to keep for all their sakes.

 

"And the big news ?" Peter asked. He saw the boys all glance at each other before Niall shuffled in his seat nervously. 

 

"Yeah, the big news is about me" Niall's voice shook slightly so Liam rubbed his arm gently up and down and Harry wrapped an arm over Niall's shoulder as Louis reached over Liam to pat Niall's knee. Niall drew strength from the comfort they were giving him. " It's not easy to talk about" he paused.

 

Basically, I was suffering a few health issues and when I got them checked out, I was told I had MS, Multiple Sclerosis." Niall kept his head down as he spoke. It was out, he'd told the fans. Now he had to wait for their response.

 

"Wow, that is definitely not what I was expecting. And how will this affect the band? Are you leaving?"

 

"No, nothing like that" Louis took over the conversation again receiving a grateful smile from his younger blond. bandmate. "We are having our break and it will give Niall time to rest up and learn more about his condition.Then we'll be raring to go again at some point."

 

"Is Niall's illness the reason for the break?" Peter questioned determinedly.

 

""No, definitely not" Harry took his turn to pick up the conversation. "The break was already planned long before we knew Nialler was sick. But it will help us have time to help Ni get sorted. It's a lot to take in, as you can imagine".

 

"I am sure we all wish you well, Niall, and I know the fans will support you. IT's literally been seconds and apparently you are already trending on' Twitter' with messages of support. There is one more question I would like to ask you, particularly you, Niall. Have you seen today's newspapers, yet?" All four lads shook their heads, puzzled looks on their faces. "Can you tell me about these headlines?" He held up one of the newspapers he had in a pile by his side, carefully holding it so all the boys could read the banner headlines.

Four faces went ashen.

…

 

Peter smirked as he looked at the faces of the four young men facing him as they scanned the headlines of the newspaper. Here was a scoop that would be far more explosive than the announcement that Niall had just made. Niall felt the breath leave him as he stared at the paper held up towards him.

 

'Former band member Zayn Malik saves life of Niall Horan following his recent suicide attempt'. There was also that rather grainy picture of supposedly Louis and Zayn hugging at the airport that accompanied the article.

 

Louis was the first to recover and he drew on all his acting ability. "Where do you guys drag up such f.cking sh*t? Anything to cause trouble so you publish f.cking lies" he poured as much scorn into his words as he could. 

 

"Zayn is in the country" Peter said " the picture proves it". And that's you , Louis!"

 

"Proves what?" Liam joined in " it looks like a picture of two people hugging. Very conveniently for you, you can't see their faces. So what makes you think it's Zayn and Louis? You people stoop so low to create your imagined stories" Liam's voice was derisive.

 

"Niall, what do you say. Do you deny this happened?" Peter pressed the blond man in front of him. Niall knew he couldn't lie to save his life so he opted for a favourite trick of his granny. You don't lie but you don't admit to it either. He took a steadying breath before he responded. "I'm a Catholic and Catholics believe suicide is a sin" he said as firmly as he could. Well, that was the truth. Please, please don't push it he repeated in his head over and over again as a mantra.

 

"Harry, you are being very quiet. Is Zayn in the country? Did he save Niall's life?" Peter now turned his attention to the curly haired man.

 

"As far as I know, Zayn is in the States" Harry replied in his slow , deep voice while keeping a bored look on his face. "And as he's in the States, he obviously isn't here."

 

"Are you denying the evidence of this photograph then?"

 

"Look" Liam took over the answering of this question " It's a picture of two hooded people hugging, hardly evidence. It could be anyone but you claim it's Zayn and Louis? And you expect the public to believe that? Do you think everyone is stupid?"

 

"OK, you all deny this happened. That the photograph is not of Zayn and Louis but what about the suicide attempt? You all deny that? After all, it would hardly be surprising now would it, after Niall's recent announcement" Peter felt the edge he had over the boys being eroded but he was determined to get the story that would boost his ratings.

 

"We have already answered that question for you. Now, if you don't mind, we are leaving. We refuse to be part of this media circus" Liam stood and the others followed suit. They all walked briskly off the set, Liam silently indicating they don't speak until the mikes were removed and they were in the safety of their SUV.

 

Niall sat in his seat, shaking " How did they find out? It's only Zayn, my parents and you guys that know what happened."

 

"Someone from the hospital? Greg?" Louis suggested.

 

"No, the hospital wouldn't do that I'm sure" Niall said slowly "And Greg wasn't there when I told my parents. I don't know if they told him. I know things are strained between us but..no..Greg wouldn't"

 

"Mate, someone has spilled the beans. We have to find out who. This can't be allowed to blow up in our faces" Liam said reasonably. "If it was Greg, we need to know". Niall nodded slowly and reached for his phone to call his parents.

 

"Thanks Da, that's a relief. I'll speak to you later" Niall ended the call. "It definitely wasn't Greg. Ma and Da never told him. We need to find out who did tell the media though. You don't think Zayn?…."

 

"No, no way" Louis was adamant. "Zayn kept everything a secret. He wouldn't do that to you, bro. But somebody did and we need to find out who"

 

"Management didn't know, neither did Simon. Obviously we got spotted at the airport but that doesn't prove it was Zayn and I. The hospital is a possibility but we told them you flushed the pills away. Even if they didn't believe us, they still can't prove it. And it wasn't one of us" Louis was really puzzled. Just how had that information leaked out? It was a real mystery. 

 

All four men sat in silence as the car travelled back to Niall's home. Each of them was wracking their brains trying to see where the leak had occurred and who might be responsible. The silence was broken by first one phone then another buzzing with incoming texts. "Management" Liam said as he read his message. "We are to go there immediately. Now the cat is amongst the pigeons"

 

"Ah, Kevin" Louis said randomly causing the other three to smile weakly at his joke. Now there was really going to be trouble. They had to get their stories straight and do it quickly. Management knew that Niall had tried to commit suicide when Zayn left the band but, apart from Management themselves, only Zayn and Niall were supposed to know about that attempt. Was Niall to admit to this second time? Did they try and bluff their way through this? And what if they hadn't convinced Peter that his scoop was just a fake report. Liam felt his head start to pound as his tension built up. They others didn't feel any better either . It was a complete mess.

 

"How the h*ll are we going to do this?" Liam wanted to know. "We need some sort of plan unless...."

 

"Unless what?" Harry asked.

 

"Ni, do you want to tell management what happened?" Liam looked at the younger man at his side. Niall was pale and still shaking.

 

"No, no I don't" he whispered 

 

"Right, then we need to come up with a cover up and it's got to be good. Someone leaked that information but if we can continue to deny it and there is no actual proof, we can make it look like just another one of the silly rumours that are always around us" Louis looked at the other three. "Any ideas?" They all shook their heads, time was running out.

 

They were nearly at Modest's main office when Niall's phone buzzed again and he looked at the caller ID. "Hello.....................................He listened intently to the caller .  
"No, you can't do that. Please, I wouldn't let you. You can't do that.....please" Niall's tone was begging but the call had already been terminated. Niall looked at his bandmates, shock and disbelief etched on his face.


	12. Into The Lion's Den

"Still no reply" Louis said rolling his shoulders to release the kinks that tension had put in his neck. "Maybe if we use a different phone it might help?"

"Why another phone" Harry asked curiously

"Well, maybe when our numbers are recognised then the call remains unanswered. If we use another phone it might work. Hey Alberto, can I borrow you phone a sec?" Louis asked the bodyguard. "Cheers. Let's try again". He carefully keyed in the numbers and waited. The phone rang a few times then he heard the recorded message : 'The caller is currently unavailable, please try later'. " F'ck, f.ck, f.ck. This is ridiculous" Louis snapped giving Alberto his phone back. " How are we going to stop this from happening? The phone is switched off."

 

"Look, I'm calling Management and telling them we won't be there for an hour or so. We'll say Niall needs to rest first. It's not a lie either, just look at him" Liam said. They all turned and looked at Niall who was white faced and still shaking. He was rubbing his temples as if his head ached. "Ni can take a nap and the rest of us can see if there is any way around this. We can't let it happen"

 

"Agreed" Louis said. "Tell you what, I'll contact management. You're too nice Liam, and anyway, I'm in the right frame of mind to tear someone's head off"

 

"Lou, please don't make things worse" Harry begged "Don't go at them like a bull in a china shop"

 

"Hazz, I will be diplomacy itself" Louis said, winking at Harry.

 

"Lou, you and diplomacy don't belong in the same breath, mate" Liam said. "I really think I shou….."

 

"Nope. I'm doing it." Louis cut him off . " Look , lets get Ni settled then I'll call them". The car had pulled up outside the security gates go Niall's home at this point and they slowly slide open allowing the car access. Louis helped Niall out of the car and escorted him into the house and upstairs to his bedroom. "Mate, you lay down for a bit and let us sort this out". Niall nodded wearily and after removing his jeans and sweatshirt, slid into his bed. Louis sat on the bed next to him , gently brushing his hand through Niall's hair and watching as the small blond visibly relaxed then fell into sleep. Louis waited a few moments to make sure he really was asleep then left the room quietly, hurrying down the stairs to join the others.

 

Liam was talking on the phone as Louis walked into the room. " No, Greg. Yes, I know but you might have been a bit more sympathetic. He needed your support, not your anger." Louis watched Liam frown as he was obviously listening to whatever Greg was telling him." That's hardly the point, is it?" Liam's frown deepened as he listened some more. " The thing is , it did happen and somebody found out." Liam rolled his eyes as he listened to Greg again then he responded " Well, if you have a better idea, please let us know. ……….Yeah, you too" Liam ended the call and shoved his phone into his back pocket. Louis was practically bouncing with impatience. He hated only hearing one side of the conversation though judging by what he did hear, and the expression on Liam's face, Louis probably wouldn't have liked what Greg was saying.

 

"Greg is furious. Apparently today's interview has sent Twitter into meltdown and Greg's ranting that he should have been told about it and not found out on social media. If he'd been supportive, he'd have known. But he chose to walk out . Now he's blaming us. " Liam's own head was really pounding now and he wished he was miles away and not having to deal with all this sh*t. He massaged his throbbing temples

 

"Were you expecting anything different?" Louis asked. "Judging by some of Greg's tweets, you ought to know what he can be like" Louis then wandered into Niall's kitchen and searched the cupboards until he found some painkillers. He filled a glass with water and took them back , handing them to Liam. "Com'on , take these". Liam gave him a grateful smile then swallowed the proffered medication. "My turn now. I'll take on Management." Louis pulled out his phone and headed into the Games room to make the call.

 

"Modest Management, How may I help you?"

 

"Hey Samantha, it's Louis. Look, I know we are expected there right now but we have had to change plans. Niall really needed to rest so we've taken him home. We'll be along when he's woken up. He's sleeping right now".

 

"Louis, Stephen is going mental! He's being bombarded by the press and he is beyond furious. You really do need to get here" Samantha sounded desperate.

 

"Look, tell you what. I'll come with one of the other boys. Niall's not coming and that's that. See you soon" Louis hung up and returned to the others. "Hazza, would you stay here with Niall? Liam and I are going to speak with management. You up for that , Li?" Louis gave Liam a questioning look.

 

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be" Liam replied. "Good call, Niall not going. He doesn't need Management getting on his case. You Ok with this, Harry?" Harry was reluctant to be left out of the meeting but knew it was best that Niall didn't go, especially after the latest media revelation. And Niall needed someone to be with him. Harry sighed then nodded in agreement. The other two grabbed their jackets and headed out. Harry picked up his phone, looked at it then flung it back down on the coffee table. He sighed again.

 

"Here goes nuthin'" Louis said as they walked towards Stephen's office. "Into the lion's den" . He tapped lightly on the door and heard Stephen's voice snarl out a 'Come in'. Both Liam and Louis squared their shoulders and obeyed the command to enter. This promised to be a very uncomfortable meeting.

"Sit!" Stephen snapped at the two young men, not even looking at them as they entered. Louis opened his mouth to give a sassy retort to the effect that they weren't dogs but Liam placed a restraining hand on his arm and gave a quick shake of his head. This meeting was going to be bad enough without Louis antagonising Management. Stephen was bound to go ballistic when he saw that Niall and Harry were conspicuous by their absence. Liam was glad that Niall was going to be spared dealing with Stephen. He always took everything to heart and now was not the time to burden him with anything else. The boys exchanged glances then sat, waiting for Stephen to deign to notice them properly.

 

"So" Stephen suddenly said as he looked down his rather large nose at them " and where are Harry and Niall? I expressly ordered that you all came today. You have dropped yourselves in a whole heap of sh*t and now we have to do damage limitation. Have you any idea the effect of these rumours will have on sales? Niall has a great deal of explaining to do so why isn't he here?"

 

"Niall is resting" Liam said sharply "he does have quite a serious health issue and needs to look after himself. Harry is with him"

 

"That is not a good reason. When I say I want you all here, I mean it. May I remind you both , you are all still under contract and we make the rules" . Stephen was red in the face, spitting with anger. Louis bit down hard on the inside of his cheek as he fought the urge to tell Stephen a few home truths. Liam felt the tension building in Louis and gently nudged him with his elbow, praying Louis would continue to hold his tongue. "As I said, we need to do damage limitation. Are the rumours true? Did Niall attempt suicide and was Zayn involved?"

 

"Zayn?" Liam tried to sound innocent "he's in the US. He's no longer part of the band so why would he be involved?" Liam hoped that turning it around so that he had become the questioner would draw Stephen away from the truth. They all owed Zayn too much to risk causing him any trouble

 

"I can check that" Stephen snapped but Liam shrugged in response. He knew that Zayn was safely back in the US by now . Management could check all they liked. 

 

"You believe the sh*t the media puts out?. You ought to know that there is precious little truth in it so why haul us in here? You push out enough f.cking trash yourselves" Louis' voice dripped with acid. He was so done with dealing with Stephen. 

 

"Here" Stephen pushed several sheets of paper towards Liam. "You are all to put out the following tweets.We've indicated which of you posts a particular tweet. You have an interview tomorrow and you'll all deny the suicide rumours. Your instructions about what to say are in the notes. Make sure you stick to them. And make sure Niall will be there or you will all pay for his absence. Don't test me., you'll lose". 

 

There was a tap on the door and Samantha poked her head around the door. "I'm sorry, Sir, but Mr Cowell is here and insists on seeing you this instant. The door opened wider and Simon himself walked in, his face like thunder.

 

"Liam, Louis, please leave. I'll be speaking to you all later." Simon sounded calm and friendly enough as he spoke to the boys but then his tone changed as he addressed the older man sat behind the desk, making it clear he intended to be heard. "Stephen, you and I will speak now". Liam and Louis got up reluctantly and walked slowly to the door. Simon's sudden appearance did not bode well for the situation but which of them was going to have to face his wrath. Simon turned to them "Move it, boys and close the door behind you".

 

"What was that about?" Louis immediately wanted to know the moment they were alone.

 

"I have a feeling that the proverbial sh*t is about to hit the fan" was Liam's reply "only I don't know who is going to suffer...us or Management. Come on, let's go back to Niall 's . Uncle Si said he'd speak to us later and we better read through this rubbish we've been given. Personally, I think we should hold on to the tweets until we've heard what Simon wants to talk to us about. I just hope that whatever happens, neither Zayn nor Niall suffer as a result."

 

"I got a bad feeling about this, Li. I wish we knew who leaked that stuff to the papers. If we knew then maybe there'd be a way of killing the story". Liam shrugged. 

 

"Let's go....I want to see how Ni is doing. I just wish.....................I got it!" Liam grinned in triumph. I know how to get an answer. Come on, we need to talk to Harry"

"Ni still sleeping ?" Louis asked Harry as soon as they got back to the house

 

"Yeah, he must be exhausted. I've been reading some of the info he was given on MS" Harry held up a large sheaf of papers "We're going to have to make sure that we don't let him get overtired. It can make his condition worse."

 

"Good luck with that, mate" Liam put in. "He's a stubborn "b*st*^d. and won't do as he's told normally. He's not going to change in a hurry." Liam sat down opposite Harry and leant his head back, closing his eyes as he rubbed his temples. His headache still hadn't gone away despite the pain killers he took earlier.

 

"How'd it go?" Harry was keen to know. "What did Management say?"

 

"The usual 'you are under our command' cr*p Louis said. We've been told what we are going to tweet and what we're say at the interview we have to attend tomorrow . Harry rolled his eyes. "But Uncle Si suddenly appeared while we were there" Louis had Harry's immediate attention.

 

" Simon? What did he say" Harry was burning with curiosity.

 

"Told Li and I to get lost, basically and that he'd talk to us all later. He wanted to talk to Stephen. I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. Hey Li ? ". Liam opened one eye and looked at Louis who continued "What was your plan for getting information?"

 

Liam sat up straight, seeming suddenly more awake. "Well, we need to know where the leak came from. Obviously it wasn't from us. Zayn wouldn't say anything...look how he kept the last one secret.. Neither Bobby nor Maura would let that slip and , even though he's not been on the best terms with Niall lately, I don't think Greg would do that to him either."

 

"So, where does that leave it" Harry was really puzzled as all the likely people had been eliminated.

 

"Maybe someone overhead our conversation at the restaurant. It's the only other thing I can think of, to be honest"

 

"But, who would know we were there that day. We managed to evade the fans completely. The only people who knew where we would be that day was Niall's family and Manage..........................." Louis' voice trailed off.

 

Liam looked stunned. Management? he thought, Would they really do that? Management did seem to know a little too much and it didn't all come from the media. Had someone from Modest engineered the leak? Liam pondered the idea. He had thought that perhaps it was probably a case of someone overhearing and thinking they could make a fast dollar by selling the story to the papers of Niall's suicide attempt ,and Zayn's timely intervention . But what if it was someone hired by Management to spy on them? Liam was pretty sure that it wasn't obvious that it had been Louis and Zayn in the photograph that accompanied the article but were there other, separate photographs that Management had seen? Had Zayn been seen at LAX as he left to fly over to the UK? It didn't bear thinking about. 

 

"Why?" Harry frowned as he considered what Louis had almost said. " They are always on about band image so why deliberately drop that bombshell?"

 

"There you have me.I don't know what their motive would be but I am going to see what I can find out. I'm going to ask Greg if there is any way he can find out who was dining in that restaurant at the same time we were there. " Louis had the light of battle igniting in his eyes. "Li, what was it you wanted to do?"

 

"Well, you beat me to it on one thing, Lou. I was going to ask Greg to do a little sniffing around. But I've just had a horrible thought. Remember Zee told us that Management said they would cause major trouble if Zayn contacted us in any way after he left the band? What if they found out that he had?" Liam looked very troubled.

 

"F.ck" was Louis' simple response. He sat staring out of the window as he thought about what Zayn had said and whether this could possibly be an act of retribution from Management. Then he remembered Liam saying about his other plan. "Li, what was the other thing you thought might help?"

 

The other idea I have is to use Twitter" Liam 

 

"You are not going public are you ?" Louis asked worriedly

 

"No, but seeing as our phone calls and texts are being ignored, I am going to send a few DM out. I might get lucky. Harry, if that fails, maybe you could use one or two of your contacts to see if they can get help?"

 

Harry grinned " I know just the right people. I just hope that it doesn't happen though. Niall doesn't want it to happen . He doesn't think he deserves anything like that. And the fans will riot. I don't think the fans can take any more drama. I know I can't. Harry stood up as he spoke and went to answer the ringing of the doorbell .

 

"We may not be able to stop it, Hazz" Louis said seriously. 

 

"Stop what?" Simon wanted to know as he walked towards them.


	13. Media Truths…….Or Lies?

Liam and Louis looked at each other then at Simon. Should they tell him? And what if Niall didn't want anyone else to know? "Oh, the Interview" Louis said quickly " I don't think Niall is up to it but Management are insisting." He hoped that Simon would take it at face value and not delve further into what he'd overheard.He breathed a quiet sigh of relief when Simon seemed to accept his answer.

 

"Where is Niall?" Simon asked as he looked around, not seeing the small, blond man anywhere.

 

"Sleeping" Liam responded " The Interview we did with 'Sunshine Mornings' really rattled him and we decided to let him rest while we dealt with Management. He's not feeling the greatest right now."

 

"Ah, yes. Stephen and I had quite the conversation" Simon said coolly. "The Interview bombshell being part of it. I wanted to know where the leak came from "

 

"Did you find out ?" Liam wanted to know.If anyone could get information from Management, it would be Simon.

 

"I'd rather not discuss that right now. I gather you have been given your Twitter instructions and also what you are expected to say at tomorrow's Interview. I'd like to see them , please" Simon held out his hand and Louis reluctantly handed him the paperwork. Simon sat down and read it all carefully. "And will Niall be attending ?" he wanted to know.

 

"Management said that he had to be there" Louis confirmed but he didn't sound very happy about the idea.

 

"I think he should go" Simon said then stood up "I need to smoke. Louis, how about you join me" And he walked out of the french doors onto Niall's decking, followed by Louis, who slid them closed behind them . Harry and Liam watched them carefully through the glass . Both men appeared in deep conversation and it was a serious one judging by their facial expressions. Louis was shaking his head vehemently then Simon put his hand on Louis' shoulder and appeared to be trying to persuade him about something. Louis kept shaking his head then walked away from Simon and stood staring across the lawn as if deep in thought as he smoked. Eventually he turned and Harry and Liam saw him slowly nod at Simon who smiled slightly in acknowledgement, They watched as Simon then put his hand into his pocket and withdrawing a slip of paper , handed to the young man facing him. Louis looked down at the paper he now held in his own hand and frowned before raising his eyes to Simon. who nodded briefly in response to Louis' questioning look. The two men then finished their cigarettes but it looked like all conversation had been ended. Both Harry and Liam were left wondering what had just taken place.

 

"Right" Simon said as he and Louis entered the room. "About those Tweets, I want you all to post them. They'll fit in well. As to what you will say at the Interview, stick to the initial answers to the questions and then when you are asked the more detailed questions, I have told Louis what to say. Please leave it to him."

 

"Si, Louis is as about as tactful as a Hippo in ballet shoes" Liam was worried. Louis was known to be rather outspoken and he didn't want things get worse. They were already bad enough.

 

"Leave it to Louis" Simon's tone made it clear that he didn't think the subject should be up for debate.

 

"But...." 

 

"No. Please just do as I ask, Liam. Now, I'll see you boys there tomorrow" Simon nodded to them and left. The moment the door closed behind him Liam and Harry pounced on Louis, wanting to know exactly what he and Simon had been talking about in the garden. Louis brushed all their questions aside, saying they hadn't been talking about anything important.

 

"And you expect us to believe that?" Harry wanted to know. Why wasn't Louis telling them anything? And why was Simon so bent on Louis being the one to take over answering the more important questions?

 

"Lou ?" Liam decided he'd try.

 

"Any response from your DMing , Liam ?" Louis changed the subject abruptly. Liam said that he hadn't had any answer at all and none of Harry's contacts had been able to help either. Louis sighed internally. It looked like other people held all the cards now. Maybe there was a chance he could stop it himself. He made his decision."I'm going out" Louis said quickly and grabbed his hoodie " I'll be back later". He then hurried out , leaving Liam and Harry staring after him.

 

Louis got into the car and drove away, his mind processing everything Simon had told him. He was stunned when Simon told him that he knew all about the phone call that Niall had received and he knew about Niall's strong opposition to the plan the caller had proposed..Simon was also aware that the other three boys also didn't want the plan to go into operation, that they were desperately searching for an alternative but he was adamant that it was for the best. Louis pulled into Starbucks and got a coffee to go whilst he prepared himself to follow Simon's instructions. He sat there in thought for a few moments more then pulled out his phone. Looking at the slip of paper Simon had given him, Louis carefully keyed in the number he had been given to call. He shut his eyes as he listened to the connection go through and he heard the ringing. Half of him wished there would be no answer. But if nobody answered, how could he beg them to listen to him? He was about to hang up when the call was finally answered.

 

"Hello"

 

"It's Louis. Simon gave me this number. Look, you can't do this. Niall doesn't want this. You have to listen"

 

"Sorry, but I am going to do it. And you can't stop me. You can try but it's still going to happen, one way or another" .

 

"NO!' Louis shouted down the phone. "Please, don't do this to Niall"

 

"Look, I'm not doing anything to Niall, I'm doing it for Niall . Look I have to go. You are all going to have to trust me".

 

"I'm begging you". Louis now sounded desperate but the line had already gone dead . Louis dropped his head so it rested on his steering wheel. After taking a few deep breaths he redialled the number 

 

'The person you are calling is unavailable. Please try later'. The phone had been switched off, it was final.

Niall grimaced as he injected himself with his medication. Honestly, it wasn't the best way seeing as he hated needles but it was, he had to admit, the safest way given his recent 'mishap' with the pills that he'd been prescribed. If only he hadn't been so stupid, he wouldn't be in this mess. He rubbed the site of the injection, wincing slightly as he flopped back down on the pillows, closing his eyes and wishing he could sleep the day away instead of doing the interview that Management had insisted on. 'Damage Limitation' they called it, he preferred another description…torture!

 

"Ni, you've got to come and eat something'' Harry stood in the doorway of the bedroom smiling gently down at his bandmate. "An empty stomach isn't going to help you any"

 

"Not hungry" Niall replied. "I feel sick , anyway"

 

"Sick from the side effects of that?" Harry motioned with his hand towards the discarded syringe "or sick from nerves?"

 

"Bit of both, I guess" Niall admitted."Probably better I don't eat. It will be bad enough as it is without me puking everywhere"

 

"We'll get through this Ni. I know you don't want it to happen and the fandom is going to face more drama but, you know, maybe this ......I don't know" Harry said. '"But we'll be with you. Co'mon, let's go downstairs and maybe you can try to .eat something" He stretched out his hand to Niall and pulled him up off the bed then flung his arm over Niall's shoulders as they walked down the stairs.

 

All right, lads" Liam smiled at his two bandmates as they walked into the kitchen. He frowned slightly as he looked at Niall's very pale face "You going to be OK, Nialler?"

 

"Yeah, I just want this over with. I tried calling again last night, it went to voice mail" .

 

"Same here" Liam replied. No response to any of our calls. Louis, did you get anything"

 

"I think we should go now, the car's here" was all Louis said as he walked out of the kitchen. "Let's get this done"

 

Once the boys had arrived at the studio, they all stood patiently as their microphones were fitted. An aide then escorted them to the set where the interview was to take place and the woman hosting the morning show waited to introduce herself.

 

"I'm Carly Evans. It's a pleasure to meet you all. My daughter is a great fan." The petite blond smiled at them all. "I know you have already been given a list of most of the questions I'll be asking. As you know I present the morning show so this will be going out live. Any questions of your own you'd like to ask?" The four young men shook their heads then Louis asked if he could be excused for a few moments. Carly smiled her assent and Louis rapidly left. He pulled off the mike before darting into a hallway. He pulled out his phone and tried the number one last time. As he held the phone to his ear he could also hear the sound of ringing near by. The person he was calling was here and that meant he really was going to do it.The ringing abruptly stopped.

 

"Mr Tomlinson, we really need you now" one of the studio assistants appeared beside him. Louis sighed heavily and allowed the young women to reattach his microphone once more. This wasn't going to end well.

 

"Good Morning. This is Carly Evans for 'Morning Coffee' and we have an exciting show lined up for you today. We have some very special guests joining us this morning and all four of them are with me right now. They are the world's biggest boy band and I am sure they need no introduction from me . It's.......One Direction!

 

Boys, it's wonderful to have you with us today. It's been quite a year for you all. How are you?"

 

'We're good, thanks" Liam responded on behalf of them all.

 

"Now I'm sure all the ladies out there would love to know who is single and who is taken?" Carly gushed.

 

"We are all single and available" Louis said and winked at the camera with his trademark cheeky smile.

 

"Nobody on the horizon then, Niall?" 

 

"Nope, free and easy" Niall gave a small smile. The palms of his hands were sweating and he rubbed them gently on his jeans. Liam, who was sitting next to him, wrapped his arm over Niall's shoulders before he turned his own smile on Carly, making her go pink.

 

"Now you all are going on a break soon. How long will this be for?" Carly pushed the question everyone was asking.

 

"We aren't putting a definite time on it" Harry took over " We've done five tours and made five albums. We're all a bit tired and need a little chill time"

 

"What are your plans for the break then" Carly pursued the subject

 

"Family time mainly. And Louis is planning a lads holiday for us all. It will be nice to sleep in our own beds for a change" .Niall decided he'd better answer some of the questions though he dreaded what was coming.

 

"Niall, we all know about your recent MS diagnosis. How are you coping with your illness?

 

"It's been a lot to take in but the lads have been great. They've been really supportive and so many of the fans have been showing their support on social media" Niall said quietly." There great medication available to help control it.

 

"Niall, I do have to ask this. You talk of medication , There was a recent report in a certain daily newspaper that claimed that you had attempted suicide recently using that medication,and that you were saved by Zayn Malik. Now we all know that some of the media prints rumours so we are wondering if you could clear up the situation for us?" Carly swopped her practised smile for a look of concern and though her voice was sweet, none of the young men were deceived. She was a trained journalist and she was going for the jugular.

 

"Ummmm. " Niall looked down at his hands which were shaking. He was also finding it hard to breath.

 

"And what exactly did this newspaper say?" Louis asked pointedly " We are always hearing rumours about ourselves. The media circus thrives on them and what they don't know they make up"

 

Carly grabbed a copy of the same paper that the previous interviewer had thrust in their faces and held it out. Louis reached out and took it, taking time to read the article. "Sounds right for this particular publication" he sneered.

 

"But is it true? Niall? You haven't said anything and you are looking mighty uncomfortable." Carly pushed harder.

 

"Of course he's uncomfortable. He has MS and is not too well today. And this isn't helping" Louis was beginning to get angry and Liam felt panic rising as he listened to the exchange between Carly and his friend.

 

"So, do you categorically deny that there was an attempted suicide?" Carly looked like the cat that swallowed the canary. You could almost imagine the feathers stuck to her red lipstick. That sweet, girly charm was an act and she was out to destroy Niall.

 

"No, there really was a suicide attempt" said a voice from off camera. Five pairs of eyes turned in that direction. The color washed from Niall's face leaving him ashen . He slumped against Liam , hands over his face. He really was going to do it. He hadn't listened to anyone.

 

"Please don't do this, please don't" he whispered though only Liam could hear.. It's not worth it. I'm not worth it"

 

"The media is bound to get some things correct occasionally , if only accidentally. In this case there was an attempted suicide. It just wasn't Niall."

 

The owner of the voice appeared , fixing on his microphone as he spoke. 

 

Carly was beside herself with excitement. What a scoop and on her show too. She smiled even more brightly.

 

"It's a pleasure to have you with us ,Zayn"


	14. Just  A Sound At Twilight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I wrote this story a year ago. I am actually quite surprised at how my English has improved…mainly..though I am sure I still make tons of mistakes. I find I have actually started to think in English.

Zayn sat himself down on the arm of the couch and smiled sadly at the boys. He knew they didn't want this, had tried to stop him, but he hadn't listened , to them or to Simon.

 

"So you are saying there was a suicide attempt?" Carly was practically purring.

 

"Like I said, the media got the suicide part correct. But it wasn't Niall who attempted suicide" Zayn's Bradford accent sounded thicker than ever.

 

"Well then, if it wasn't Niall, then who was it?" Carly immediately wanted to know.

 

"Zee, don't" Niall's whisper was barely audible. Zayn gave him a shy, sweet smile and patted his knee before turning his attention back to Carly.

 

"It was me" he said simply , pushing up his sleeves to reveal the scars on his wrists that looked so starkly white against his dark skin. Carly gasped in shock. Whatever she had been expecting, it hadn't been that." 

 

There was a sudden bang and then Liam's panicked voice was heard "Niall, Ni. Somebody get us some help". Louis knelt on the floor, cradling Niall's head in his lap as Liam rubbed his hands, calling him to try and wake him up. The studio immediately went to a commercial break as Harry phoned the emergency services. Everyone crowded around the unconscious Irish man and nobody noticed when a slim, dark haired young man slipped quietly away, pausing only to look down at the small blond lying unconscious on the floor.

 

"Let us through" the paramedics pushed their way through the group and immediately started to assess Niall. "Can you tell us what happened?" one asked Harry.

 

"We were just in the middle of an interview when he collapsed.He's had a bit of a shock, He's got MS. Is he going to be all right?"

 

"We'll take him to the hospital to get checked over. His oxygen levels are low and so is his blood sugar. Is he diabetic?"

 

"No, no he's not" Liam said "but he hasn't eaten since yesterday morning"

 

"That would do it" the paramedic confirmed "Will one of you come with him?"

 

"Hazza, you go" Louis suddenly spoke. "Liam, I need your help" He whispered in Liam's ear and Liam started to glance around him. Louis was right, Zayn had vanished.

 

Harry waited by Niall's side as he was carefully lifted onto a gurney and pushed out to the waiting ambulance. Great, he thought as he saw the hoards of fans waiting outside, looks of horror on their faces as they saw Harry along side a blanketed figure on the gurney. Some of the girls were crying. Harry tried to give them an encouraging smile but he was too worried to pull it off successfully. He climbed in the back of the ambulance, the doors closed, and they pulled away.

 

"Where the h*ll did he go?" Carly shrieked. "The best scoop of the year and you let him go!" She was incandescent with rage. One minute she had a major story on her hands the next she had one person in hospital and one person vanished into thin air". Carly shoved her assistant roughly out of her way as she ran from the studio searching the up and down the corridors for Zayn.

 

Louis felt his phone vibrate in his pocket so quickly pulled it out to answer the incoming call.

 

"Bro, is he all right?" Zayn said anxiously

 

"They've taken him to the hospital to be checked over but they think it was because he hadn't eaten much the last two days."

 

"Thank god"

 

"Zee, why did you do it. Niall didn't want you to do it. He didn't want you to destroy yourself that way. We all tried to stop you but you wouldn't answer us. You didn't even discuss it with us. Surely we deserved for you to listen to us. "

 

"Lou, he's my little brother and I couldn't let the media tear him apart. They would have done that, you know it. I know he didn't want it but I had to do it. I had to protect him . I'm the Bradford Bad Boi after all., people expect me to do stuff but not Niall. Ni needs protection. Please help him understand, bro. I did it because I wanted him safe."

 

"Zee, tell him yourself. Where are you?" Louis wanted to know

 

"Sorry, I can't tell you. Look, I know I screwed up things between us but you'll always be my brothers .Just remember that, ok" Zayn struggled to speak as his emotions started to get the better of him." I gotta go. Look after Nialler for me" And he was gone.

 

"I can't find Zayn anywhere" Liam came puffing up. Louis just held up his phone.

 

"He's not here. Won't tell me where he is. He asked us to look after Niall for him then hung up." Louis looked suddenly exhausted "Let's go check on our little leprechaun"

Niall stared up at the white ceiling. He was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. He always hated hospitals and going to doctors and now he was stuck with them. "OK, Niall" The doctor pulled his stethoscope out of his ears and smiled at his patient " the nurse is going to set up a breathing treatment for you and also an IV for fluids. You're very dehydrated and we also need to get that asthma under control so you don't have a major attack. And you do need to eat something. Niall " the doctor gave him a serious look "you need to start taking proper care of yourself. We can control the MS to a degree but if you don't work with us in trying to maintain your health, you'll be seeing far more of this place than you'd prefer" He patted Niall's shoulder and left the room. Niall turned his gaze back to the ceiling.

 

"There you go , love" The nurse fitted the mask over his face and turned on the nebuliser before fitting the canula into the back of his hand, attaching the IV drip and turning it on. "You rest while this works and I'll be back when it's done. " And she was gone, leaving Niall alone with his thoughts.

 

Why Zayn, why did you do it? he thought to himself. Zayn had deliberately destroyed himself. The media would be having a field day with Zayn's revelation. And to do it on Nationwide TV. That was suicide. Niall groaned to himself. Well that was an unfortunate phrase to use, even in his thoughts. It was suicide that had started this disaster. My fault, he knew it. If he hadn't been so stupid, so selfish, Zayn would never have done this. And it still didn't explain why Zayn had done it. What ever had possessed him to do it. Niall rubbed his forehead with his free hand. His head ached badly.He closed his eyes and the hum of the nebuliser lulled him into sleep. When he woke up the mask was gone though the IV was still in place, it's fluid slowly dripping down into his body.

 

"Knock,knock" Harry poked his head around the door. "OK to come in?"

 

"Yeah, come save me from myself" Niall sounded depressed

 

"What's up, Ni? Feeling bad?" Harry drew up a chair and positioned it so he was facing the bed.

 

"Na, not bad like that. I'm just worried sick about Zayn. Why did he do this? He knew I didn't want him to do it. I told him. You guys left him voice messages telling him no. He avoided us all. Now look at the mess. It's worse. Why didn't he give us a chance to bluff our way out? There's no way now that we have that chance. We can't even claim he was misquoted! National TV!" Niall wailed, his voice rising as he spoke. Management will go mad. Zayn isn't supposed to have any contact with us."

 

"Is everything all right in here?" a nurse suddenly appeared. She bustled about Niall checking his blood pressure , temperature, breathing and so forth before turning to Harry. " I think it would be best if you left now so Mr Horan can get some rest. He's in need of another breathing treatment and he mustn't get so agitated. It isn't good for him" She glared at Harry as if Niall's outburst had been caused by Harry himself.

 

"No, please. I want him to stay" Niall pleaded with her but she shook her head firmly. Harry stood up and gave Niall a quick hug before telling him he'd return in the morning and maybe he, Harry, would have had some answers for Niall by then. Niall desperately wanted him to stay but it was obvious the nurse was not going to allow it. He sank back against his pillows and allowed her to fix the mask over his face once more then turn the nebuliser back on before continuing to fuss around him. Niall hoped she'd finish soon and leave him alone. Finally the nebuliser had finished it's work and after seeing to Niall's needs, she left only to return with a tray of food , which she put on the side table and swung it over the bed. Niall looked at the food and shuddered before pushing it away. Just looking at it made him feel sick. The nurse tutted as she removed it but Niall was grateful she didn't force the issue.Eventually the nurse made sure Niall was warmly covered before dimming the lights and leaving him to sleep.

 

Niall was only vaguely aware of a nurse coming and going during the night. He barely stirred as she checked his IV and did her routine observations. He was exhausted, far more than would be normal and he supposed it was due to the ongoing side effects of his medications. He'd be so glad when they finally wore off as he had been assured they would. He wasn't really asleep but he wasn't really awake. either. He just was too worn out to pay attention It was almost like being mildly sedated, a twilight sleep. He heard the door of his room open and someone come in. He waited for the nurse to begin her checks but thought he must have fallen asleep for real at some point as he didn't register her moving around him. He then felt a gentle, cool hand brush across his forehead and move his hair back into it's usual style. There was a creaking sound as someone sat down on the chair beside the bed before an unidentified sound started. Niall's forehead creased in thought as he tried to identify the noise. It sounded like a pen scratching across paper. He tried to prise his eyes open to see but they wouldn't obey him, his eyelids felt like ton weights . He turned his head slightly towards to sound but it stopped abruptly.Niall drifted back into his twilight sleep and the scratching sound resumed once more. Niall slipped further and further into sleep and when he next woke up, the sun was streaming through the window .

Harry quickly put a call through to Liam and Louis as soon as he had left Niall. He wanted them to know that their little Nialler was OK even though he was a patient once more at the hospital. Once he had assured them that their bandmate was fine, he was desperate to be told what had happened after he had left. He wasn't happy to find that Zayn had slipped through their fingers once more. He headed back to Louis' where they all planned to meet up and discuss the situation. None of them were looking forward to the fallout from Zayn's little television revelation. Maybe they could find out something they'd be able to tell Niall tomorrow.

 

"You are going to have to start eating, Mr Horan, if you intend to be discharged" the nurse told Niall sternly. "The doctor is very displeased". Niall looked at her, shrugged before turned his head away. She picked up the breakfast tray and stalked from the room, muttering under her breath about uncooperative patients. Niall couldn't make himself even begin to care. He was feeling more and more depressed. Suddenly he remembered the strange noise he heard during the night. He quickly pressed the call bell and moments later the nurse reappeared. 

 

"Ummmmh, who visited me last night after Harry left?" he asked hesitantly. "It was very late". The nurse looked at him as if he had lost his senses.

 

"Mr Horan, you had no visitors after I asked Harry to leave. You needed your rest" the nurse replied slightly snappily. She wasn't used to patients disobeying any of her instructions.

 

"But , I did. I heard someone come and sit next to me. I think they were writing something" Niall persisted.He wasn't going to be put off by her snippy manner.

 

"Mr Horan, you must have been dreaming. There were no visitors. The night nurses would have recorded it in the log if there had been and I can assure you there is no such entry. Now, I shall be back shortly to help you bathe"

 

"Oh no, you won't. I can take a shower by myself. " The nurse turned to leave in a huff. "And I wasn't dreaming!" Niall called after her. He was sure he hadn't been dreaming. Someone had been there. He wished he had been able to open his eyes. Maybe Harry had come back...or Liam..or Louis. He wasn't mental and he wasn't dreaming. He'd get to the bottom of it. He looked at the canula stuck in his hand and pulled it out before scrambling out of the bed . F.ck,f.ck,f.ck he grumbled as his hand began bleeding. He headed quickly to the shower as the alarm on the IV bleeped crazily.

 

Niall leaned against the shower wall and let the water pour over him. The bleeding from his hand where he had ripped the canula out had gradually stopped so the water was no longer tinged pink. No doubt he'd be getting a lecture from the nurse but he had already decided. He was going to discharge himself. He couldn't take any more of being hospitalised and he wanted to be free to try and track down Zayn. He closed his eyes in thought, soothed by the water flowing over his skin.

 

Back at Louis' house the other One Direction lads were deep in discussion. True to form, the media was having a field day with Zayn's TV confession. But that was the least of their problems. Management were furious and they had been told to attend a meeting with Management and the PR team later that morning. Simon was also going to be there. Louis had been calling Zayn non stop but his calls all went to voice mail. Nobody knew where Zayn was, or even if he was still in the country. He had seemingly vanished into thin air. Neither the fans nor the paps had caught sight of him. Even Trisha, Zayn's mother, denied knowing where her son was at the moment. Twitter had exploded. There was a lot of support for both Zayn and Niall but also some hate too with so called fans attacking both boys , their daunts vicious and cruel. Liam, Louis and Harry all hoped that that the other two would steer well clear of twitter until things died down.

Liam rubbed his hands over his face in exhaustion. None of them had slept at all last night. All of the night had been spent in trying to find ways of repairing the damage Zayn had done to himself without it causing hurt to Niall. But there seemed no way out. Management's plan had been that Niall was to convince the media that it was just another rumour and he had flushed the pills down the toilet not swallowed the lot. Zayn's intervention blew that plan out of the water. It may have saved Niall but at what cost to Zayn himself? None of them understood. " It 's useless" Liam said, finally admitting defeat. "I only hope Management don't make things worse". Louis and Harry looked at him , both with grave faces. They both could only hope the same.

 

"Mr Horan!" the nurse's outraged voice brought Niall back to earth with a bang. He was still under the shower. He blushed a fiery red at being caught naked and hastily reached for a towel to wrap around his waist. "What are you doing out of your bed? I distinctly told you I would be coming to assist you to bathe"

 

"And I said I could do it myself" Niall grumbled loudly back.

 

"Hurry up and get dry so I can get you back into bed. The doctor will be with you shortly" She turned on her heel and Niall could hear her moving around in his room. He quickly dried then pulled on the stupid hospital gown he'd been given to wear. He hated those with a passion. Another reason to leave!

 

"F.ck that hurt" Niall yelled as a new canula was inserted into his hand and the IV reattached. The nurse glared at him before telling him the doctor would be there in a few moments. Niall lay back and sulked.

 

"I hear you've been a naughty boy, Niall" were the doctor's opening words as he came into the room. "You've been giving your nurse a hard time"

 

"Nurse? Battle Axe is a better description" Niall muttered darkly.

 

"She is rather...ahh...firm" the doctor agreed sympathetically. "But she is right about one thing ..you'll be staying with us a lot longer if you don't allow us to look after you properly.

 

"I want to discharge myself" Niall immediately responded. "I want to leave now"

 

"Niall, I can't stop you but it isn't in your best interests. Why are you so desperate to leave when you clearly are not well enough?"

 

"Apart from Battle Axe Bertha? I hate it here, I hate everything about it. I just want to go home" Niall felt embarrassed by the way his voice was cracking. "I can't stay, I want to leave. Please?" 

 

"Can we discuss this Niall?" the doctor pulled up the chair and sat down next to Niall. "Let's find out what the real root of the problem is for you. And I don't think it's just the Battle Axe". He looked across at Niall who was twisting and untwisting the top of his sheet between his fingers. Niall shrugged and looked up at the ceiling without speaking. "I've got plenty of time" the doctor said quietly. Niall knew he'd end up having to talk sooner or later ,so taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, he began to talk to the doctor. Starting right from the beginning of getting his diagnosis, to his failed therapy with the Psychologist to right through to Zayn's intervention on live TV. Once he had started, the words poured out from him like a dam had suddenly burst. He felt he must have talked for hours as the doctor sat there patiently only interrupting from time to time to gently probe for more information .Eventually Niall finished speaking .

 

The room was silent though faint sounds of a busy hospital intruded from time to time. Niall rubbed at his sore, red eyes. He hadn't realised that he had become so emotional and was embarrassed by the tears still flooding from his eyes. The doctor had left the room for a few moments then returned with a different nurse who was carrying a small covered tray. "Niall, the nurse is going to give you something to help you rest. I am also going to be prescribing some more medication for you but I'll discuss it with you after you've had some sleep" He smiled warmly at his young patient and left Niall with the new nurse.

"Now then, Mr Horan" the nurse had a lovely Irish accent " or is it Ok to call you , Niall? I'm Caoimhe O'Brian," She got a small smile in response. " First things firsts,let me get you to sit out in this chair for a moment and I'll smooth out that bed for you. You'll be more comfortable then" She bustled about changing the sheets and plumping up the pillows.

 

"Where's the Battle Axe?" Niall wanted to know. He didn't really care, he just wanted to listen to the comforting accent.

 

"Oh, we swopped patients. You're too naughty for her". She gave him an impish grin as she helped him back into the bed, carefully checking the IV was still secure. "Now then, you'll feel a quick jab then it will be done and you can have a nice rest". Niall winced as he felt the needle jab into his thigh. He was already tired after an emotional few hours and was ready to sleep with or without medical assistance.The nurse pulled up the sheet and blanket and lowered down the bed before raising the sides and locking them into place. "No escaping to the shower for you" she gently teased.

 

"Now what on earth !" he heard the nurse say. "This was in with you bedding. It must have been under your pillows. I'll pop it on your bedside table and you can read it when you've had your nap" Niall screwed up his eyes trying to see what she was holding but the tiredness won and he was soon asleep.


	15. A Promise Kept, A Promise Offered ..And Uncle Si

The combination of physical and emotional exhaustion along with the sedation he had been given, kept Niall asleep until the next morning. It was only the arrival of his new nurse, Caoimhe, that pulled him out of the most refreshing sleep he had experienced in months. He couldn't recall having slept this well since before Zayn had left the band nearly nine months ago. He stretched his arms up above his head only to feel some pain in his hand as the canula was jiggled by the movement. He stopped abruptly, cursing quietly.

 

"Good morning, Niall. Ready to have some breakfast?" His nurse smiled at him as she placed a tray on the table by his bed. "I expect you'd like to use the bathroom first so I'll just unplug you" She swiftly disconnected the IV and helped Niall sit up then swing his legs over the side of the bed. The movement made him dizzy and he closed his eyes as he fought down a sudden wave of nausea. "Steady, love" the nurse cautioned him. "Just stay there a few moments then you should be good to go". Niall took some deep breaths then finally stood up feeling more than a little shaky. The nurse took his arm and gently led him across to the adjoining bathroom where she left him to attend to his needs whilst she tidied up his bed. Once he had reappeared, she then helped him get comfortable in the bed and swung the table across. "Try and eat as much as possible,love. You need to build your strength back up." She smiled at him kindly and left him to eat.

 

Niall had only had a few mouthfuls when he suddenly had a vague memory of the nurse saying she had found something in his bed. His eyebrows pulled together as he tried to remember what it was. He remembered she had something in her hand but he couldn't remember what. He turned his eyes to study the top of the locker, next to his bed. A white envelope was there with his name scrawled across it. There was something familiar about it but he couldn't pinpoint what was nudging his memory. He pushed his breakfast aside and reached for the letter.

 

Back at Louis' home, the other three members of One Direction were also having breakfast . They held a desultory conversation as they ate, none of them being particularly morning people. They had had a late night as well which wasn't helping. Even two cups of strong coffee hadn't stirred any of them into action. Louis had folded his arms on the table and was resting his head on them when his phone began to buzz signalling an incoming text. He ignored it, too tired to respond. It buzzed again. And again. Sighing he picked it up. Finally, he thought, it must be Zayn. He quickly checked the ID of the sender and frowned. Why was Management texting him? Contact was usually through Liam as he tended to be the most level headed member when it came to Management. Louis was usually far too outspoken and often in trouble because he had sassed Stephen in some way or upset the lower Management levels with his attitude towards their instructions . They could hardly blame him, he stood up for himself and he had no plans on stopping. He opened the text

 

"Mr Tomlinson, report to Modest Offices at 11am this morning. Please keep your visit here confidential and do not discuss this with any of the band. "

 

Louis felt his stomach flip over. This wasn't good. What could Management possibly want with him that couldn't be discussed with the others? He wracked his brains as he thought about the last few months, trying to remember everything he had said or done that might have caused Management to get annoyed. He knew they couldn't prove that the picture taken at the airport had been him and Zayn. Both of them had been far too careful. Hoodies covered hair and faces, tattoos were all covered. There was nothing to give away their identities. They hadn't even mentioned each others names as far as he could remember. He cast his mind back to that day. No, neither had said the others name. They had just hugged hello and then walked to Louis' car. They hadn't spoken again until Louis had started driving. So it couldn't be that. He looked at his watch. He had two hours.

 

"Guys, I have a few errands to run this morning." Louis said as he picked up his car keys ready to leave. ""Tell Ni , I'll be along after lunch, will you"

 

"Yeah, will do" Harry replied "Could you pick up some Nados for him when you come? He hates that hospital food and I can't see them wanting to discharge him if he's not eating"

 

"On my list!" Louis gave them both a casual wave and went out to his car. He was finding it hard to concentrate on the road as his thoughts kept going back to trying to work out what possible reason Management wanted to see him. And why just him? He pulled up outside the building and parked up.

 

"Hi Louis" Stephen's secretary, Sam, gave him a bright smile. "You'd better go straight in" Louis thanked her and ,after tapping briefly on the door of Stephen's office, he walked in.

 

"Ah, Mr Tomlinson" Stephen looked up from some papers on his desk and smirked at Louis. "I am sure you are wondering why you have been summoned here?" . Louis shrugged. He tried to look unconcerned but there was something about the smirk on Stephen's face that hinted of trouble." You remember your last visit here?" Stephen's voice dripped with venom . Louis frowned as he thought back to that day , then his eyes widened in horror. "I see you do" Stephen purred, his grin looking more and more nasty. "I recall telling you then, Mr Tomlinson, that you hadn't heard the last of it. Time to pay for your insolence and pay you will." Louis felt his heart sink.

 

"Are you threatening me?" Louis kept his voice calm and even in tone although he could feel his heart racing.

 

"Threats? Oh no, Mr Tomlinson. I am just keeping some promises I made. Have a seat. I don't think this will take long ." Stephen leaned back in his chair and smiled nastily at the young man sitting opposite him. " Now……….........................

Niall's hands trembled as he opened the envelope and began to read:

 

"Nialler, I know you are mad at me but please don't hate me. I know you didn't want me to do what I did but I just had to prevent the media knowing the truth about things. I couldn't bear the thought of them destroying you with their speculation and lies. It was the only way I could protect you. That Carly Evans is pure evil and she'd have stopped at nothing to get her story. I couldn't let her do that, not to you, not to any of the boys..

 

Ni, Management have got me over a barrel. You know we have both been forbidden to say what happened in Hong Kong and they won't let that be known but if they can get any milage out of recent events, they will. Simon knew what I had planned to do. He wasn't thrilled at the way I was going to do it but he is on our side. He tried to talk me out of it, even gave Louis my private number to see if I'd listen to him. He did his best but though I listened to what he said , I never had any intention of doing what you all wanted.

 

Tell the boys I am sorry I didn't stick around after the TV interview. I wanted to protect you all from Management as I am supposed to have absolutely no contact with you. I didn't want to be seen talking to any of you which is why I ignored you all during the interview and left as soon as I could. I was so scared when you collapsed but knew I had to vanish. I just hope Management don't punish you for my breaking the rules.

 

The five years I had with the four of you were the best I have ever known.. I know I wasn't as whole heartedly into it all as the rest of you but you all wormed your way into my heart, especially you Ni. You were, and still are, the precious little brother I never had. Even though I am not with you anymore, I will always feel the need to protect you. It's something big brothers do so you'll just have to put up with it.

 

Nialler, you can get through this, I know you can. I know you'll struggle at times and things will maybe get so hard you want to give up. But promise me that you won't. You're a fighter Ni. So fight this every step of the way. And I have one more promise that I want you to make to me. Please? This is important to me. Niall, promise that you'll never, ever try and take your own life again. The world without you in it would be too hard to even contemplate , especially for me.

 

I keep having to hide in the bathroom when I hear the nurses coming to check on you. I'm not supposed to be here but I can't come during the day and risk running into the boys or anyone from Management. Please tell the lads that I'm sorry I disappointed them and didn't listen but we all have to follow the path that is meant for us. The media has already labelled me the 'bad boy' and Management have encouraged that. It made sense for me to be the one to do something stupid so I know it has put them off the scent. Better them know about my suicide attempt than yours. And there had already been rumours about me regarding that, anyway. You'll be safe now from their delving. 

 

I'll be back in the US by the time you read this. I am going to stay out of your lives now. I want you to know that even though our paths won't cross again, I will always love my four brothers. Stay safe for me, little bro.

 

Your big brother,

 

Zayn

Niall lay back and closed his eyes, still clutching the letter in his hand. If hearts could physically break, he'd swear his had just split into two.

Back at Modest HQ, Louis schooled his face into an expression of bored calmness although he felt increasingly stressed. He wasn't worried about himself but he didn't want any trouble for the other three lads, especially Niall. Niall had to be protected at all costs, he was far too vulnerable at the moment. Louis squared his shoulders and stared into Stephen's eyes.

 

"You lied to me, Mr Tomlinson.And Liars get punished" Stephen's expression was gloating.

 

"And when did I do that?" Louis replied coolly

 

"The picture of you and Zayn. It was you, wasn't it?"

 

'That could be any two people. What makes you think it was us?" Louis kept his voice quiet and untroubled sounding even though he could feel sweat starting to break out on his back. Stephen just made a 'humff 'sound and changed his line of attack.

 

"You admitted Zayn had been in contact with you when you came in previously. You knew about Niall's suicide attempt. You had quite a bit to say on the subject. I told you then, Mr Tomlinson, you'd not heard the last of this. Your bit*hy attitude and Zayn's rule breaking won't go unpunished, I assure you".

 

"I didn't say Zayn had contacted us" Louis fired back "I said Niall had contacted Zayn because he was scared and needed support. Zayn and Niall have always had a special bond. YOU changed our phone numbers remember so Zayn couldn't contact us. It's not our fault you were too stupid to remove Zayn's numbers from our phones. And if Zayn hadn't stepped in and saved Niall both times, you'd have single handedly killed off One Direction." 

 

"And what about Zayn attending that Interview with you? You deny you planned that? You expressly disobeyed my instructions on how that interview was to be handled" Stephen's voice was getting louder and his face was almost puce colored.

 

"We had no idea Zayn was going to do that. He didn't talk to us at all. We didn't even know he was in the country, never mind at the TV studio.He came, said his piece then left. None of us know where he went to afterwards or where he is now. We were to busy looking after Niall who had collapsed. He is ill and you forced him to do that interview. You don't care, do you. You are the ones who are the liars. You lie and manipulate everything. I doubt the fans know the real truth.Maybe you should remember liars get punished" Louis stood up, pushing his chair over. He stalked from the room, slamming the door behind him. 

 

Stephen stared at the closed door, his anger building. He pulled his phone towards him and dialled the number for a certain journalist who he knew would only be too happen to listen to a few 'stories' about both a certain Louis Tomlinson and his former buddy, Mr Malik. He smiled a rather nasty smile as he planned his revenge. Zayn had effectively killed the story of Niall's suicide attempt so he had at least been useful. But Zayn would also be paying for breaking the rules. The press would be having a field day with both Mr Malik and Mr Tomlinson. Stephen would make sure of that.

"Niall, you haven't eaten your breakfast? Are you not feeling well?" the nurse looked concerned as she studied the pale face of the young man before her. Niall shrugged dejectedly but didn't answer, choosing instead to curl up into a ball facing away from her. She immediately started checking his IV to make sure it was working correctly then took his temperature and blood pressure, frowning at the results. Niall was still curled up , ignoring the activity around him. The Nurse quietly left the room and returned to the nurses station to call the doctor.

 

The doctor stood by the bed ,looking down at the huddled form of the young man. He sighed to himself. He had been afraid that Niall at been slowly slipping into depression and now it looked like his fears were being confirmed. He spoke quietly to Niall, keeping his tone gentle yet firm. Eventually Niall responded,rolling to rest on his back. He stared up at the ceiling, unwilling to met the doctors gaze. The doctor sighed again as he pulled up a chair to sit and face the blond Irish man. "Niall?". Niall slowly pulled his gaze back and looked at the doctor, and seemed to study him carefully before he looked away again. He was in no mood to talk but there was no escape. He was really captive. He looked down at his hand which was beginning to fidget with the cannula in his other hand. The doctor reached out and stilled the restless movement. "Niall, we need to talk".

 

The doctor spoke at some length, explaining just what he thought Niall was mentally dealing with. "Remember I mentioned some additional medication?" Niall nodded in response. "Well" the doctor continued " I think that you would benefit from taking something to help raise your mood". He finally got a reaction from Niall who shook his head. " Niall, depression is quite a normal Response to what you are dealing with and medications can help"

 

"No! I'm not crazy" Niall shouted.

 

"No, you're not. Please let me explain. You are experiencing quite a bit of pain. This ,combined with the accompanying emotional stress, causes depletion in the hormones that control our moods. All the medication does is raise those levels up. It really would help, Niall. Look, I can't force you but I'm hoping you will see the sense of it. At least think about it? Mean time, You either need to eat or we will feed you via a tube. Your choice." He looked at Niall expectantly.

 

"I'll eat". Niall said and got a smile from the doctor who promised to send in the nurse with some food. "And I'll take the medication "

 

"Good lad. I promise it will help"

 

Louis stared at the headlines of the newspaper he was holding and shook his head in disbelief. He could hardly take in what he was reading. He threw the paper down and picked up his phone that was constantly pinging, indicating Twitter notifications. He read the tweets in open mouthed astonishment. Management had taken no time in carrying out their threat. He logged out quickly and scrolled through his contacts, quickly selecting the one he needed.

 

"Hi Louis, I was expecting your call. I think you need my help?"

 

" I take it you've seen the papers? So yes, uncle Si


	16. No! No Way!…………..Nurse!

Louis scanned the area as he got into his car. There were a few paps lurking and he wondered if any of them would try to follow him. He slammed the car door shut, adjusted the rear view mirror and pulled away. Only seconds later a few cars appeared behind his, so he grinned to himself. If they wanted to follow then he was more than happy to play 'Follow the leader' with them. He stamped on the gas and shot off, the other cars in hot pursuit. Louis went up and down streets, stopped at a Starbucks for coffee, got back into his car and headed towards the highway as if he was heading back to ' Donny'. He checked carefully behind him but it appeared he had managed to shake off his tail. He shot off at the next exit and turned the car back to London and Simon's house.

 

When he reached Simon's London home, Louis ,still wary, glanced around carefully to make sure he was still unobserved. The street was deserted , so he slid out of his car and hurried up the steps to Simon's front door. He didn't have to wait long before a barefooted Simon ushered him inside. Simon also scanned the area before closing the door, then turned and studied his young guest carefully.

 

"Come through to my study, Louis" he said quietly and Louis obediently followed him down a lavish hallway into a surprisingly cosy study where Simon invited him to sit with a wave of his hand at the chairs. Louis sat down and shifted uneasily as Simon poked his head out into the hallway and yelled for someone to bring tea. Simon then shut the door and sat opposite Louis, again studying the young man carefully. "Well, the media do have one thing right" he smiled ruefully "you do look sick and far too thin. Obviously you need some help here"

 

"Yeah, you've seen the press. They are starting rumours, telling lies and there is no letting up. And every day, the stories get more and more lurid. I'm not doing the stuff they claim yet even the fans are starting to believe it. Si, Management told me I'd pay and this has all been happening since my little... ah..... fracas with Management. Zayn's getting bashed too but not to the same extent....yet" Louis said quietly as he picked at the skin on his fingers. "I just........" Simon placed a finger over his lips and stood to answer a knock on the door. He took the tray handed to him , closing the door carefully, then placed the tray down before pouring tea for them both.

 

"Here" he handed Louis a cup then picking up his own, sat down once again " OK, continue"

 

"None of the others are being targeted , just me. It's pulling me down ,Si. I'm trying to support Niall, be strong for the others and all I'm getting is sh*t from the media. I don't know what to do" Louis raised his eyes to look at Simon who was leaning back in his chair, a slight smile on his lips.

 

"Louis, you do absolutely nothing whatsoever. Carry on as if nothing is happening. Leave all this to me" Simon said firmly looking Louis in the eyes. "There isn't too much I can do for Zayn but I will try. Just leave it all to me"

 

"But Simon......." Louis pleaded

 

"No, like I said, leave it all to me. Now I suggest you finish your tea, tell me how Niall is doing then go home and get some food and some sleep. Let Uncle Simon deal with this" Louis nodded then put his cup down, standing to leave. Simon sighed quietly as he looked down at the smaller man before pulling him into a hug "It will all work out, Louis. Trust me" He escorted Louis back through the hall, opening the front door then , having again scanned the area for the paps, let Louis through to go to his car. Simon stood watching as Louis drove away then closed his door. He headed briskly back to his study where he sat behind his desk, staring into space for a moment, collecting his thoughts, before reaching for his phone. Time for payback was about to commence. He grinned as he placed his phone call. Stephen had been a thorn in his side for sometime and there was no way he, Simon, was going to let that man take down Louis. No, that wasn't going to happen, not if he had any say in the matter.

 

"Just how much of my blood do you need?" Niall said fractiously "I swear you've already taken a pint. Not sure I can spare anymore, Caoimhe ". Niall's nurse grinned at him as she carefully withdrew the needle from the canula in the back of his hand before labelling the six vials of blood, ready to go to the lab.

 

"Just be glad I used your canula. You'd feel like a pincushion otherwise" she teased. "Right, now that's done, I just need to weigh you. Hop out of bed for me and stand on the scales, there's a good lad". Caoimhe frowned as she studied the digital readout on the scales. Niall's weigh was continuing to fall. and he sounded very wheezy as he breathed. She quickly pinned a smile on her face as Niall turned to look at her. "Back into bed with you" she said briskly before herding Niall back into his bed and pulling the bed covers over him. "Now, how about some dinner?"

 

"Nah, not hungry. I'm tired, I think I'll go to sleep" Niall responded. Hospital food was gross at the best of times and he genuinely felt too tired to even attempt to eat it.

 

"Well, maybe later?" she suggested and Niall nodded half heartedly in response. He gave her one of his sweet smiles before rolling onto his side and closing his eyes. Caoimhe dimmed his lights and left him to sleep. Once she had sent the blood samples down to the lab, she paused to think for a few moments then dialled the extension number for Niall's Consultant Neurologist. Maybe she was making a mountain out of a molehill, but something just felt off. Oh well, she thought, the worst that can happen is I'll make a fool of myself in front of the Consultant. But then, if I am right…....

 

"Mr Taylor's Secretary"

 

"Hello, this is Nurse Caoimhe O'Brian from the Priory Unit. I'm a bit concerned about one of Mr Taylor's patients, Niall Horan. Would it be possible for Mr Taylor to come to the Unit?

 

"Yes, certainly. He's in surgery right now but I shall ask him to attend once he is free"

 

"Thank you. I appreciate that". Caoimhe ended the call then studied Niall's charts for a few moments only to be brought back to the present by the sound of someone being violently ill.

Caoimhe hurried into Niall's room and looked compassionately at the pathetic sight before her. Niall was pale and drenched with sweat as he continued to vomit over his bedding. She quickly grabbed the emesis bowl from his bedside locker and held it under his chin, putting her arm around his back to support him. Eventually Niall was just dry heaving and his nurse was able lay him back against his pillows.

 

"Just rest sweetheart, and I'll clean you up". She gently wiped Niall's face with a cool cloth then briskly removed the soiled top bedding, folding it inward to contain the mess. "I'll just be gone a few moments." she said soothingly and swiftly left the room only to return almost immediately, pushing a trolley before her. "Let's get you warm and comfy again, shall we.".

 

"M' sorry" Niall whispered, face now red with embarrassment. "I just couldn't help it". He hated being sick at the best of times but, not being able to make it to the toilet to throw up ,just made it ten times worse.

 

"No need to be sorry, sweetheart, nobody likes to be sick. Now, I'm going to give you a quick wash, get you settled and then we can have a doctor come and see what we can do to make you feel better". Caoimhe smiled down at her pale and wan patient who nodded weakly in response. The young nurse then gently washed Niall, helped him brush his teeth before putting him into a clean gown .She then sat him in a chair and wrapped a light blanket around him before proceeding to make up the bed with fresh sheets and blankets. "Right now, let's get you comfy" Supporting Niall as he stood, she then ushered him into the clean bed. "Just a few sips" she murmured as she handed Niall a glass of water. " and let's see if this stays down". 

 

Niall was exhausted after vomiting so violently and he lay back against his pillows, closing his eyes. He listened to the sounds of the nurse moving around his bed but was too apathetic to take any interest. He drifted off into a twilight state of sleep, only vaguely aware of the doctor entering the room a few minutes later , and opened his eyes slowly. It was a struggle as his eyelids felt like they had lead weight attached to them. Sleep was all he wanted. Sleep was when he didn't have to think about his illness. Sleep was his sanctuary and where he wished he could stay.

 

"Hello Niall" his doctor looked down at the pale and still trembling young man. "I hear you are not feeling too chipper right now. Let's see if we can track down the cause and get you feeling better". He raised the head of Niall's bed then started to examine his patient. Why, thought Niall, did doctors and nurses always say 'we' when they were really referring just to themselves? It was always stuff like 'How are we feeling today' and similar. He jumped suddenly when the cold stethoscope touched his bare chest. And why did doctors never warm the d*mn things? Niall gave himself up to being poked and prodded, obediently following instructions to breath in, out, hold his breath, cough whilst all the time wishing the doctor would just go away and leave him to feel terrible in peace. Eventually the doctor finished the examination . The room was quiet while the doctor made notes on Niall's chart then , finally finished, he looked at Niall and told him he was ordering a few tests, which made Niall groan.

 

"What now?" he grumbled. "Do I have to?"

 

"Yes, I'm afraid you do. We need to get to the bottom of this , Niall, and that means finding the cause. We can't have you vomiting every five minutes. You are dehydrated enough as it is. Your weight is continuing to drop and you seem increasingly exhausted. We need to find out if there is an underlying cause as I don't believe your MS is solely responsible " the doctor explained patiently. "I'm requesting some blood work, urine tests, and a MRI ."

 

"But why so many? You must have an idea?" Niall said fretfully. He'd had so many tests done lately that he was ready to walk out.

 

"Niall, it could be any number of things. We just need to do the tests to see what we can eliminate. The sooner we start, the sooner they will be done. " The doctor saw Niall's face go slightly green as sweat broke out on his forehead. Interpreting the signs accurately, the doctor quickly got a bowl under Niall's chin as another wave of sickness hit the poor lad. "Let's get this sorted for you" . Niall sank weakly back on his pillows, exhausted. He nodded his assent and the doctor patted his shoulder gently. "I'll set things going, then" and he left the nurse to see to Niall's various needs.

 

"I'm sorry Niall, but it has to be done this way" Niall's nurse said exasperatedly. Her patient just glared at her, his cheeks flaming in embarrassment. She smiled to herself because he looked like an injured puppy, all mournful eyes. "It has to be an absolutely sterile sample. I'm sorry".

 

"No, no way!" Niall's voice came out as an indignant squeak , making Caoimhe bite her lip to avoid laughing out loud. Niall really was just so adorable, even when he was being difficult. "No, you're not doing it".

 

"Niall!" she used her stern voice "Do you want to get better or not?"

 

"If it means doing that, not!" 

 

"Niall, it has to be done. Look, if I get a male nurse to do it, would you cooperate?" She waited patiently for Niall to consider the offer. Really, he was just so cute, especially when he was acting like a toddler in a tantrum." Niall?"

 

"I don't want to"

 

"Yes, I know you don't. You've made it quite clear. Unfortunately the doctor does want it done and I have to do what I'm told. Please , Niall ? " Caoimhe used her most gentle and persuasive voice, but Niall just huffed at her and turned his face away. "I'll send Mark in then". Suppressing another grin as Niall continued to glare at the wall, his nurse slipped quietly from the room to appraise the male nurse of what was needed. She certainly didn't envy him the task. Why are men such big babies ? , she wondered.

 

"Hello Niall, I'm Mark." the nurse introduced himself as he entered the room. "I just need collect your urine sample". He smiled cheerfully at his scowling patient who sat huddled on one side of his bed, arms folded across his chest.

 

"No, you're not" Niall wasn't going to allow this perceived indignity to take place. Mark just continued to smile cheerfully as he pressed the button and lowered the bed down so Niall was completely horizontal. Pulling on his latex gloves, Mark folded back the bottom of the bedding then uncovered the sterile catheter tubing he had ready in the tray. . "Just try and relax for me, take some deep breaths". Mark spoke quietly and calmly as he expertly inserted the catheter. In moments he had obtained the sterile urine sample and gently and swiftly removed the tube before adjusted Niall's bedding. "All done" . He raised the head of the bed once more and grinned at the blushing lad. "I'll collect the blood samples as I'm here then you are done for today". Niall was relieved the canula was in place so the required blood was swiftly and expertly extracted. After bidding Niall a 'bye', he left the room just as Caoimhe entered, a small paper cup in her hand and what appeared to be a glass of milk in the other.

 

"Here, take these. It should stop you being sick" Niall obediently swallowed the tiny pills.She then handed him the drink. "It's a fortified meal replacement. Try and drink as much as you can." Niall took it and gingerly took a few sips. It tasted quite pleasant, like a vanilla milkshake, and he managed to drink about half of it. "Good lad" his nurse said encouragingly . "Now, how about you sleep now". She lowered the bed down and dimmed the lights. Glancing at her patient after she had finished tidying the away the used instruments, she saw he had already fallen asleep. She smiled. He looked so sweet and innocent in sleep, more child than young man. Closing the door gently behind her, she left her patient to sleep. She was growing increasingly fond of her stubborn young patient.

Louis sneezed violently then rubbed at his watering eyes, frustrated with himself. F*cking bad timing, he thought to himself. There was absolutely no way he'd be allowed in to visit Niall. All the boys knew that Niall no longer had a cast iron strong immune system and even a cold could cause him serious issues. He sat at the kitchen table, nursing his hot honey and lemon drink, pondering on why it was that colds always made you feel really ill yet were not normally a serious health problem. He jumped when Harry suddenly spoke behind him.

 

"You sound terrible, Boo. I guess that means you won't be coming with me to visit Niall. They won't want you within fifty feet of him" Harry's deep slow voice was sympathetic. Louis really did look ill. His eyes had big, black circles under them and he looked even smaller and paler than normal. Harry was very concerned about him. Lou been constantly battered in the media lately, especially by one particular paper, and the stress had obviously been affecting him. "Look, take some tylenol and go back to bed. Sleep will do you good" Harry said firmly. He expected Louis to protest but was shocked when Louis immediately agreed and, taking his drink with him, slowly trudged up the stairs back to his bedroom. Harry 's brow furrowed as it was so unlike Louis. It wasn't just the fact Louis had a bad cold, his happy -go--lucky approach to life had vanished. Continuing to frown, Harry pulled out his phone to call the only person , apart from his bandmates, that he fully trusted. Two of his ' brothers 'were suffering and he just wanted to help.

 

"Hey guys" Harry greeted Liam and Niall as he entered Niall's hospital room. "How's it going?" Both men looked up and Liam smiled at him ,but Niall just scowled. "What's up, Nialler?" Harry wanted to know. Niall, like Louis, was usually a ray of sunshine but today he and Louis were mirror images of misery and Harry felt his concern for both men deepening.

 

"I want out of here" Niall's tone was extremely grumpy. "You have no idea of the torture I'm enduring!". Harry looked puzzled but was soon enlightened by Liam as to the 'torture ' to which Niall was referring . Harry winced at the description of the urine sample collection . Poor Niall, he could appreciate how the little Irishman felt.

 

"Will you be discharged soon?" he wanted to know.

 

"Nah, not until they find out what's wrong. It just seems test after test. I'm sick of it.i'm thinking of discharging myself and going home to Mullingar". 

 

"I understand you want to get out of here, Ni, but is that wise, mate? Harry looked at Niall who just shrugged his shoulders and twisted the top of his sheet between his fingers. He looked frighteningly frail and it was obvious, from the sound of his voice when he spoke, that he was as emotionally fragile as he was physically. " Nialler, you have to be sensible about this. You don't want things to get worse. It will only get you back in here". 

 

"Where's Lou?" Niall asked abruptly, totally ignoring Harry's question.

 

"He's not well himself today. He's got a foul cold and I sent him back to bed." Harry said, accepting the change of subject. When Niall was in a stubborn mood, there was no reasoning with him. One just had to abide ones time and hope that good sense would eventually return.

 

"And he went?" Liam queried in surprise. Louis was like Niall, ignoring health problems. For him to give in so easily was unheard of.

 

"Yeah, with no argument. Actually lads, I am really worried about him. The media are crucifying him and the attacks increase daily. You can guess which paper is leading the way. I know he's physically sick but a cold has never pulled him down this much before, not even when we were touring and there was no break." Harry sounded as worried as he looked.

 

"We gotta do something to help" Niall said positively, distracted from his own worries by his concern for his bandmate. He swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood up only to be abruptly stopped as both Harry and Liam unceremoniously grabbed him and bodily lifted him back into bed.

 

"Stay put" Liam said firmly. "Let's talk first. And anyway, you aren't going anywhere soon". Niall glared at him but Liam coolly told him his face would stay that way if he wasn't careful before sitting back down in his own seat. Niall huffed in response but made no further attempt to leave his bed.

 

"Management" said Niall "it has to be connected to Management."

 

"What makes you think that?" Liam asked curiously receiving a shrug for an answer.

 

"They like to cover stuff up, remember. And both Zayn and I were told we'd be punished if we let on the truth about Zee leaving the band and my..urrrh...well, you know. They've always given Lou a hard time for sticking up for us over things. They suspect that picture in the media was Zee and Lou but they don't have positive proof. Stephen is just the sort to make him pay. The thing is, how do we stop it?" Niall said, frowning in thought as he rubbed his tummy. He was feeling a little queazy and shut his eyes, leaning back, as he hoped the nausea would pass.

 

"I have done something" Harry blurted out . "I rang Uncle Simon"

 

"And ?" Liam wanted to know, looking at Harry in astonishment. Harry normally talked stuff through first so this was a shock to hear. 

 

"He's coming here to talk to us this afternoon. He wanted to make sure that Ni, here, was also included in the convers..................'Harry broke off at the sound of what seemed to be choking and both he and Liam turned to Niall who was staring down at his sheet, now covered in blood and vomit.

 

"Nurse ............." Niall rasped out, his body shaking in shock. Liam wasted no time, he pushed the nurses call button as Harry rushed out into the corridor shouting for help.


	17. Please…..Just Leave Me Alone!

Niall was in a state of panic and struggling to breath. Where had the blood come from? What was happening to him? He started shaking in shock and Liam was quick to put a comforting arm around his shoulders, quietly talking in a soothing tone to try and calm down his friend. Harry re-entered the room with both a nurse and a doctor hard on his heels.

 

"It's OK, Niall. Calm down and let's get you sorted" the doctor said quietly. "Gentlemen, if you'd just leave us for a while? Nurse will come and tell you when you can return". The doctor then turned back to Niall, smiling encouragingly at him as the boys left the room, anxiety for their bandmate etched on their faces.

 

"At least he's in the right place for this" Liam said in an effort to comfort both Harry and himself.. "I just hope they can find the cause and get it sorted. I hate seeing Nialler like this".

 

"Yeah, doesn't seem fair. Ni seems to have been a magnet for everything bad lately. It's like everything has gone wrong for him since Zayn left the band." Harry slumped down on a couch in the waiting area and leant back, closing his eyes. He felt totally drained and allowed himself to drift. Liam paced up and down for a few minutes before sitting next to Harry but, unable to relax, sat and fidgeted then stood up and resumed his pacing. 

 

Niall's nurse had quickly removed the soiled bedding then helped Niall wash his face and hands before the doctor began to check him over. Niall's blood pressure had dropped and he was feeling very weak and dizzy. Although he had stopped vomiting, he was still feeling very nauseous. He struggles to answer the doctors questions as he felt exhausted and finding it hard to focus. 

 

"Niall? Do you understand what I've just told you?" Niall dragged his eyes open and stared at the doctor, frowning.What had he just been told?

 

"M'sorry" Niall murmured "What?"

 

" I said, I'd like to do an endoscopy. Your test results show you have a urinary tract infection which explains some of your symptoms but not this. I want to check what is happening in your stomach. Your nurse here will get you ready. The sooner it's done, the quicker we can track things down. I'll see you shortly". The doctor murmured a few instructions to the nurse then left the room.

 

"Doctor?" Liam called out to the man leaving Niall's room "Is Ni going to be all right?"

 

"Liam, is it? I think so. He's going to be taken to the Endoscopy Unit in a few minutes as we need to check his stomach. and hopefully it will give us the answer.Actually, Niall might feel more relaxed to have a familiar face with him. Perhaps one of you?" the doctor raised a questioning eyebrow and Liam was quick to volunteer. 

 

Harry had chosen to wait in Niall's room in case Simon arrived. He would need to be told how Niall was and what was happening. Concern for Louis had to be temporarily put on the back burner. A porter arrived to take Niall down to the Endoscopy unit, accompanied by both Liam and the nurse. Harry gave his friend a hug and watched him disappear down the hall and out of sight.

 

"Now sweetheart, you are going to be conscious during this but we will give you what we call a 'twilight' sedative. You will only vaguely be aware of what's happening as you'll be nice and sleepy. We'll spray your throat with a numbing agent then pop the tube down your throat. You may feel you can't breath and gag slightly ,but it will only be for seconds" the nurse explained carefully. She made it sound like it was nothing but Niall felt even more panicky. "Liam will be with you the whole time. Now lets get you ready"

 

The sedative was taking effect and Niall felt himself feeling like he was floating. He could hear the voice of the doctor and nurse talking to each other but he wasn't taking any real notice. Liam was holding his hand, giving it an encouraging squeeze every now and then. "Ready Niall? Just open your mouth for me. Well done. Now we're just spraying the back of your throat". The spray itself made Niall gag " Now the tube is going in" Niall gagged even more. He started to panic, feeling he couldn't breath but Liam soothed him and the moment passed. Niall was then unaware of the the narrow tube carrying its small camera moving downward into his stomach. He allowed himself to float in his twilight world.

 

Liam looked at the screen fascinated . He watched as the small camera, now in Niall's stomach moved around allowing the doctors to examine the organ. Fascinating, thought Liam, but really gross at the same time. "A ha!" the doctor announced. "That's the problem. Now we just need to know what caused it"

 

"What is it?" Liam asked anxiously. "Is it serious?"

 

"Yes and no" was the response." It's serious if left but it is fixable. My problem is that if we don't know what caused it in the first place, there is a danger it may happen again"

 

"Yes, but what is it?" Liam persisted.

 

"Somehow the lining of Niall's stomach has become quite damaged. Normally this type of damage is seen in a much smaller area that becomes ulcerated. We are going to have to play detective. I wonder……............"

"Harry, how are you? Where are the other two?" Simon strode into Niall's hospital room where Harry was sat quietly reading to pass the time away until Liam and Niall returned.

 

"Errrh...Niall vomited up blood. They've taken him down to have an endoscopy to see if they can find out why. Li went with him to help keep it calm and I'm here waiting for them to return...and you..naturally." Harry smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. He was so worried about Niall. Both men looked up as the door suddenly swung open and two porters entered, pushing a gurney that bore a sleepy Niall, up to the side of the bed. They gently lifted him up onto the bed as Niall's nurse arrived with Liam.

 

"If you gentlemen could wait outside? I'll just get Niall settled back in and then you can come back. I'll be about half an hour or so if you want to go get drink or something. Liam, you too." the nurse said as Liam hesitated at the door. He was reluctant to leave Niall but knew he had to stay out of the way. All thee men then headed down to the hospital canteen.

 

"At least it gives me a chance to catch up with everything happening with Niall. How's Louis, by the way?" Simon wanted to know.

 

"Not spoken to him since I left the house " Harry said" Actually, Si, would you mind if I go check on him?"

 

"Not at all. Come back as soon as you can though. I'd like to discuss Louis' situation without him around, if that's OK. I want to update you on a few things. I think you'll approve of what I have already set in motion" Simon smiled grimly. Nobody was going to attack his boys.

 

The nurse put a new canula into the back of Niall's right hand and set up the IV. He had become extremely dehydrated due to being constantly sick and this needed to be addressed urgently. It would also allow medication to be administered without disturbing Niall too much. Carefully checking all was in order, she switched on the pump and adjusted the flow before moving onto the next task. There was a brief tap on the door and an orderly came in pushing another IV stand and carrying what looked like a tiny cooler box in the other. which he pushed up to the side of the bed before handing the nurse the box. 

 

"Doctor Miller said to tell you that it has been cross matched and checked so you are good to go. He'll be with you himself in a few minutes." the orderly then left the room leaving the nurse to finish setting up the equipment that would send some much needed blood into Niall's frail body. Taking the sack of blood out of the cooler box, she carefully hung it on the stand and attached it to the canula , then switched on the pump , allowing the blood to slowly drip down. Satisfied it was all flowing smoothly, she then turned her attention to making sure her patient was comfortable and warm.

 

"Niall?"

 

"Mmmmhh?"

 

"How are you feeling now?" Niall dragged his eyes open and gave the nurse one of his sweet smiles.

 

"OK, I guess. Sleepy. Am I done?"His voice was raspy as a result of the endoscopy.

 

"Yes, sweetheart, you are. Just have a little sip of water to sooth your throat then why not go to sleep. You'll feel so much better when you wake up" . She handed Niall a sippy cup of water, allowing him a small drink before taking it away. Niall gave her another smile in response as he lay back against his pillows , his eyelids fluttering shut. The nurse smiled down at him then finished the last of her remaining tasks. She couldn't suppress a grin as she slid the catheter in, remembering the fuss he had made last time.He wasn't going to be happy when he realised it had been done but she had to follow doctors orders.

 

Doctor Miller gave his young patient a brief examination. Everything seemed in order . Now they had found out what was making Niall so ill, they had to find out what caused it in the first place. He had a feeling that was going to be more difficult than actually treating the problem. He left the room, deep in thought.

 

"You can come in now" The nurse smiled brightly at the two men who had just arrived back in the waiting room. "He's very sleepy so may not want to talk but you are welcome to stay. Please don't disturb him if he wants to sleep though. He's had a pretty traumatic experience and, to be honest, sleep will help". The men nodded their understanding and walked into Niall's room where they arranged themselves around the room.

 

"Poor lad" Simon said as he stood gazing down at Niall. "He looks far too young to be going through this". He'd always had a soft spot for the small Irish lad.

 

"He's strong though" Liam replied " and Irish". making them all grin.They spent the following hour in general conversation as Niall slept. Simon wanted to wait until Niall was awake and Harry was back from checking on Louis, before he broached the subject of what he'd been doing. 

 

"Hey , Uncle Simon!" Niall rasped out. Simon stood up and gave Niall a hug, being mindful of all the tubes attached to Niall's small frame. Simon was relieved to see a tinge of pink in Niall's otherwise pale cheeks. It was unnerving just how frail and tiny the boy looked. The hospital bed seemed to dwarf him

 

"Ni, it's good to see you. You gave us all quite a scare, you know. I think I've aged these last few hours".

 

"Don't worry, there's always botox, Si" Liam quipped which earned him a good natured swat around the ear. 

 

"Seriously Niall, how are you feeling?" Simon wanted to know.

 

"M'throat is a bit sore and my stomach hurts like h*ll, like someone kicked me. But apart from that, I'm great...........OK, not so great...but still breathing. That's a bonus!" 

 

Simon's phone signalled an income text which he quickly checked. " That's Harry, he's not coming back as Louis is feeling really rough. If you lads don't mind, I'll head out and join them" He looked enquiringly at the two younger men.

 

"Nah, you go, Simon. I'll stay keep this one out of trouble" Liam said, winking at Niall who mock scowled at his bandmate.

 

"I'll catch up with you two later then" and with a casual wave of the hand, Simon was gone.Liam stayed and chatted for a little longer before bidding his bandmate goodbye, telling him he'd be back in the morning. Niall sighed. He was so bored stuck in bed . If only he had his guitar. At least that would be better than nothing.

 

"Here you go, my dear" An orderly placed a dinner tray in front of Niall "Enjoy". Niall glanced down at the meal and groaned before pushing it away. He wasn't hungry and the mashed potatoes and plain chicken just looked so unappetising.

 

"Not eating, Niall?" Doctor Miller asked as he surveyed the still full plate of food.

 

"Nope...and I don't intend to. That stuff is vile!" Niall said petulantly.

 

"Actually, I agree. I'll get the nurse to bring you a fortified milkshake instead. Probably much better for you right now, anyway. How are you feeling?"

 

"My stomach hurts, throat's a bit sore and I still feel a little weak and a bit dizzy"

 

"That should all pass soon. You have a mild urinary tract infection which should clear quickly now it's being treated but to address the other problems, you feel weak and dizzy due to the blood loss . Once you've received another transfusion, you'll feel much better. The sore throat will pass too. It's normal after having the endoscopy tube down your throat. The sore tummy will improve when the medication I have prescribed starts taking effect but there is something we need to discuss". He looked at Niall thoughtfully . "Niall, when we did the endoscopy, we could see your entire stomach lining was a mess. If it was a small area, we'd call it an ulcer but this is far worse. We know how to treat but we need to know the cause so we can hopefully prevent it happening again. But before we get to that, let me just quickly check you over".

 

"That's fine" the doctor pulled Niall's bedding back up then sat down in the chair Liam had recently vacated. "Now, back to business. Niall, I know none of the medication you are currently on will affect your stomach so adversely. Nausea is often a side effect but it wouldn't mess your stomach up that way. Have you been taking any anti inflammatories that we don't know about?"

 

"Nah I was taking them when my knee was messed up but not since I recovered from surgery. And I remembered to take them with food…every time!"

 

"Well that rules that out. Have you had any bouts of illness recently? He looked at Niall whose cheeks suddenly flamed red . "Niall?" 

 

"Please" Niall whispered "Please just leave me alone"

Niall curled up into a ball as tight as he could as silent tears poured down his face. He stared at the blank wall facing him, his thoughts churning over and over. Zayn. He wanted Zayn. Just to talk to. Someone who would understand. He didn't register the click as the door of his room closed. Whether someone was with him in the room or not, he had never felt so alone in all his life. Niall felt his bedcovers pulled gently down then a brief, sharp jab of pain in his thigh. "Just something to help you relax and sleep" a quiet voice said. The covers were placed back over him and, inch by inch, the world slipped away and Niall fell into sleep.

 

Back at Louis' house, he was pacing the room in agitation as the others watched him. His face was flushed and he coughed harshly from time to time.

 

"Lou, mate, sit down. you're going to make yourself even more sick than you already are" Liam pleaded. "Look, you can't let this get to you, bro"

 

"But the lies, Li, the d*mned lies. It's bad enough the media doing this to me but why the h*ll is he attacking us? Why? He knows it isn't true so why the f*ck is he doing this?" Louis stopped his pacing long enough to glare at Liam. "He knows d*mn well he's spoken to us, even stayed with us. So why the lies now? Hasn't he thought about what this will do to Niall? "Louis flung himself down on the couch as a severe fit of coughing racked his body.

 

"Boobear, drink this....please?" Harry held out a mug of tea then passed Louis some pills. "Take these too. Calm down, this isn't helping any. We'll get this figured out. Simon is on our side remember. "

 

"Lads, I think he's still trying to protect Niall....and us. Remember both he and Ni told us that they were told to say nothing about him leaving the band. And you know Stephen suspects that Lou and Zayn were the two photographed at the airport. And don't forget the TV stunt he pulled to protect Ni from the media. I think he may be lying to make sure he continues that protection"

 

"Yeah? You think? Then why is he making us look like we pushed him out, that we don't care about him. He's basically telling the world we ignored him . Makes us look like right dicks, doesn't it. And have you seen the other cr*p? Apparently I have Brianna shoved in a small rented house, with flat pack furniture I expect her to assemble herself! As if ! They are doing a real number on me and all Simon says is to act as if nothing is happening. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this sh*t!' Louis strode from the room , slamming the door behind him, leaving Harry and Liam to stare after him.

 

"This isn't good" Harry spoke even slower than normal. ""Do you really think that , Li?"

 

"I want to believe it. I just can't imagine Zayn stabbing us in the back after the five years we were all together. Yeah, I know the music wasn't his bag but we were kids when we started out. Our voices and personalities were still developing. We've been evolving as we've aged. I dunno, Hazz. I want to belief Zayn wouldn't diss us like that. And I hate to think he'd suddenly turn on Niall" Liam rubbed his temples as a headache threatened. "What time do we meet up with Si?"

 

Niall stirred fretfully in his sleep.He tossed and turned as his rest was dogged by nightmares.His thrashing about pulled on the tubes attached to his body and the warning beeps started. A nurse hurried into his room almost immediately and started to sooth the young man, reattaching the IV lines and checking that both respective lines that were slowly dripping blood and fluids into her patient, were now secure. Satisfied all was well there, she turned her attention to Niall's breathing which sounded distressed. The nurse then placed an oxygen mask over his face, turned on the supply and deftly adjusted the flow. Satisfied that he was again stable, she left to page the doctor on call that night.

 

"He seems settled enough now" the Doctor said " but I'd like him monitored. Would you get a nurse to sit with him? A junior one will be fine, I just want him completely supervised.I spoke to Dr Miller earlier and he has some serious concerns regarding this young man." . The doctor scribbled some notes down on Niall's chart then, nodding to the nurse, left to continue his rounds, leaving the nurse to follow out his instructions.

 

Niall's eyes blinked slowly open and he reached up to pull the mask off his face. It was firmly replaced immediately and Niall looked into Dr Miller's face. "Leave it there, Niall. You'll feel better for it." He pulled up a chair and sat next to Niall. "Last night, when I asked you if you had been having any bouts of illness recently, you got rather upset. Is there something you need to tell me?" Niall looked at him, shaking his head before turning away. "Niall, I only want to help you. And I can't do that if you won't let me in. Would it help if I told you that nothing you say will shock me and you know I am bound to confidentiality"

 

"Ha!" Niall said weakly "Yeah, no such thing. Whatever I do or say will end up in the media. People always talk. I've nothing to tell you. Now, please I want to discharge myself"

 

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that , Niall" the doctor responded quietly "You need to stay with us a bit longer"

 

"You can't stop me from walking out of here" Niall said hotly.

 

"Actually Niall, in some cases I can. If I believe you might be a danger to yourself, I can keep you here against your will. And I believe you may be a danger to yourself". Niall stared at him in abject horror

 

"No, you wouldn't do that?"

 

"Not only would I , Niall, I am going to. The choice is all yours. You can talk willingly to me or someone else and let us help or we can make alternative arrangements . What's it to be? I'll give you some time to think things over and we'll chat then"

 

Niall lay on his back , listening to the clicks of the machines at his bedside. Zayn! Zayn had promised he could always talk to him. He reached for his phone and pulled up his contacts. After a few brief rings Niall heard the following message:

 

This number has been terminated.


	18. It's A Long Way Down!

"Mr Tomlinson? Louis Tomlinson?"

 

"Yes, speaking" Louis frowned. Who on earth had his private number. He didn't recognise the voice on the other end of the line.

 

"This is Dr Miller. I'm Niall Horan's Physician. I have you down as Mr Horan's emergency contact. I was wondering if I might have a word with you?"

 

"Is Niall OK? Has something happened?" Louis started to panic.

 

"Niall is as well as can be expected but there are concerns I'd like to discuss with you if possible. Would you be able to come in and see me? This afternoon?"

 

"I guess so. I have a foul cold though, not sure you want me bringing more germs into the hospital ?" Louis said raspily then sneezed loudly, as he wondered why doctors never seemed to give straight forward answers to questions.

 

"Bless you! No, that will be fine. That is, is you wouldn't mind wearing a surgical mask. My immune system is excellent but as you may want to speak to Niall, we'll need to protect him".

 

"No problemo. What time?"

 

"About 2pm would be great. My office is on the forth floor, room 17. I look forward to talking with you, Mr Tomlinson. Goodbye" 

 

Louis went slowly upstairs to shower and dress ready for his meeting with the doctor. Why did he want to speak to him? Niall's parents were the proper next of kin although Louis had always been Niall's emergency contact since the band was formed. Louis being the oldest, had taken on that responsibility, even though Liam was considered Daddy Direction.

 

Louis felt silly wearing the surgical mask but knew it was the sensible thing to do.No sense in passing on his cold to the rest of the world. "Please sit down, Mr Tomlinson" Dr Miller invited.

 

"Louis. Call me Louis"

 

"Louis , then. Thank you for coming in to see me. This is somewhat of a delicate matter that I feel you might be able to help me with. As you may be aware, we did an endoscopy on Niall yesterday to try and track down the source of the bleeding. We found that his entire stomach lining is damaged"

 

"Yeah, Liam said he had an ulcer" 

 

"Not an ulcer, exactly. If it was very small area, it could be termed an ulcer. But in this case, the area is far too large. We've started to treat it with the necessary medication and bland diet and it should improve fairly quickly. That, however, isn't the problem. We need to know the cause and Niall is being a little, shall we say, difficult. He refuses to talk to me and has asked to be discharged. Having read his notes, some which have been provided from his Neurologist, Mr Taylor and also from his Clinical Psychologist, Ms Norland, I have concerns that Niall might perhaps not be, ah, stable enough, if you follow me?

 

Louis, I am not stupid and I have been a doctor for a considerable length of time. I know when my patients are not telling me things. This is why I wanted to talk to you. You may or may not know what's been happening with your friend but I am hoping that you might be able to speak with him and persuade him to talk with me. I've assured him that everything is confidential but for some reason he won't accept that."

 

"We've not had too much reason to trust other people lately as you may have seen for yourself" Louis said bitterly "You can hardly expect Niall to be forth coming over something so private that will probably end up being splashed over the headlines, can you?" Louis countered.

 

"And if there is no record of it, what then?"

 

"You expect me to believe that? For Niall to belief that? Somehow, I don't think you'll convince him. Look, I'll talk to him, if that's what you want, but don't hold your breath. Can I see him now?"

 

"Just try, at least, Louis. That's all I can ask. And yes, please go see him. I'm sure he'd welcome the company. " Dr Miller reached out to shake hands with Louis "You know the way?" . Louis nodded in response and after bidding the doctor goodbye, headed down towards his bandmate's room.

 

"Hey Nialler, what's the craic?" Louis bounced into the room trying to act as normally as possible. Niall turned apathetically towards him.

 

'Hey"

 

"What's wrong, bro? You've a face as long as a wet weekend" Louis sassed trying to raise a smile from Niall.

 

"Zayn" was the simple reply. "I needed to talk to him. He promised he'd always be there for me so I called him. He's changed his number" Niall's eyes shone with unshed tears and he sniffed dismally. "I can't contact him"

 

"Bro, Zayn's , ah, decided to break from us. We promised him we'd look after you but .....he....well...." Louis didn't know what to say. Niall was too fragile for the truth right now. Zayn leaving the band had proved disastrous for Niall and Louis was afraid of history repeating itself. Niall had survived twice. The third time might be the charm and Louis would fight to prevent that happening. Oh well, he thought, better get this over with. "Ni, why won't you talk to the doctor?"

 

Niall turned and glared at him "Why? He's already got me taking crazy pills. Why won't they leave me alone?"

 

"Ni, mate, they aren't crazy pills. They are anti depressants and you need them right now. You also need to talk. They can't help you if you won't cooperate, lad. Look, all you have to do is talk. They help you, you get better and you get out of here. Ni, why not? . Niall shrugged. "Look, what if I stayed with you? What if it was completely between just you, me and Dr Miller? Nothing on paper? Would you?"

 

"Maybe. I'll think about it"

 

"That's all I'm asking, Ni." Louis kept his voice calm and quiet sensing that he was on the verge of winning the battle. "Have you eaten?" He changed the subject swiftly " I'm willing to smuggle in some Nados." This got a quick grin from Niall.

 

"I'd love Nandos but I'm afraid I get these stupid milkshake things. They actually aren't too bad. Talk of the devil, here's Caoimhe with my liquid lunch now."

 

"Are you calling me a devil, Niall Horan?" his nurse said with a mock glare making Niall smile at her. "Don't forget I can use blunt needles on you so mind your manners!". Niall looked horror struck at the very idea and the nurse left the room laughing.

 

"She's gorgeous, Ni. How come you get all the pretty nurses? I think I feel very ill and need admitting immediately. She can blanket bath me any day she likes" Louis joked only to get a punch on the arm from Niall.

 

"Hands off, Tommo. She's my nurse."

 

Louis and Niall carried on a desultory conversation as they watch a DVD. Louis decided not to mention his previous conversation with Niall knowing from past experience that trying to force Niall into something only had the opposite effect, Niall became even more stubborn.

"Lou?"

"Yeah, Nialler?

"Will you stay with me? I mean when I talk to Dr Miller?" Niall asked diffidently.Louis smiled and ruffled Niall's tousled hair.

"You got it. Niall, I'll always be here for you."Louis said and the moment the words had left his mouth, he knew it was the truth.

Louis woke up and looked around him groggily. " "bout time you woke up, mate. Your snoring sounds like a road drill" Niall said cheekily. "I'm surprised you didn't wake yourself up"

 

"I don't snore" Louis was quick to deny the accusation. "Do I snore?" he asked the nurse who had just walked into Niall's room, carrying his dinner tray.

 

"I never listen to things that don't concern me" was the serene reply. "Here, Niall, please try and eat some of this. Dr Miller will be along later " . Smiling at both men, she left the room.

 

"Uggh! Fish and mashed potato!" Niall made a disgusted face but picked up his fork and started to eat. "Why is hospital food always so vile?" he asked .

 

"Dunno, lad. " Louis replied, his voice vaguely muffled by the surgical mask he was still wearing. There was no way he wanted to pass this cold onto Niall. Especially when his young friend was beginning to look a little healthier, with faint color in his cheeks. "You ready to talk to Dr Miller when he comes?"

 

"I guess so" Niall sounded hesitant " but I don't want to"

 

"I know, Nialler. But once he knows what happened and that you are sure you won't be doing it again, then maybe they will leave you alone over it. Maybe they'll want you to to do therapy , I don't know. But be honest and remember I'm here for you, I'm not leaving". Louis looked at Niall who was staring down at his plate. "That fish won't eat itself, Ni. Go to it " he said encouragingly and smiled as Niall once again continued with his meal.

 

Niall sat and fidgeted as he waited for Dr Miller to arrive. Louis was lounging on the bed next to him, an arm wrapped around Niall's shoulders in an attempt to calm down his agitated friend. Louis had pointedly ignored the glare of the nurse when she had come to disconnect the now finished iVs. He was far more concerned in keeping Niall relaxed than he was about obeying hospital rules. With a final glare at him, she left the room just as Dr Miller arrived. Louis felt Niall tense so he hugged him gently "You can do this" he whispered "and I'm right with you". 

 

"Hello Niall, Louis." The doctor pulled up a chair and sat facing the young men. "Niall, are you ready to have a chat with me? Perhaps Louis could wait outside?"

 

"No, I want Louis to stay, if you don't mind. He was sort of involved in stuff so….."

 

"If that's what you want, Niall. Louis, are you happy to stay?" the doctor queried

 

"Definitely" Louis replied firmly "I promised Niall I'd be with him so here I stay"

 

"Right then. Niall, the ball's in your court" the doctor leant back in his chair, crossing his legs. His casual attitude helped relax Niall a little.

 

"Off the record?" Niall asked for confirmation

 

"Strictly off the record' Niall. Just you, me and Louis, here." 

 

"OK, well I haven't actually been ill, beyond the MS. A couple of things happened and I, well I, I......" Niall looked helplessly at Louis.

 

"It's OK, Nialler. I got it from here. Doc, about nine months ago one of our bandmates left the band, suddenly, for reasons I can't go into. He and Niall were very close. Ni was like his little brother. Ni was a bit down due to all the hate he was getting from social media, and Zayn's leaving kinda tipped the balance. Ni took alcohol and pills. Well Zee found him in time and Nialler here was forced to vomit everything up"

 

"Any medical treatment afterwards?" Dr Miller asked and both young men shook their heads."OK, please go on. I take it more happened?" Louis and Niall shared a look and Niall blushed bright red and looked down at his hands.

 

"Well, we got through that ok "Louis continued " not great, but we got through then Niall was diagnosed with MS. It sort of spiralled down from there and it happened again. This is kind of what Niall meant when he said I was involved. We knew Ni was down but we were giving him time to work it out but one night Zayn got real worried about him and dragged me over to Niall's house. We found he'd done it again. We made him drink salt water, making him puke like crazy , until he wasn't bringing up anything. That's it" Louis looked up at the doctor.

 

"No medical intervention the second time either?" Again the young men shook their heads. The doctor sighed loudly. "That makes it clear. The two extreme vomiting sessions, combined with stress, reduced appetite and new medication that causes some side effects on the stomach ,resulted in Niall's stomach becoming a mess. We're sorting it now ,but Niall, I need to extract a promise from you that you'll never do that again. And Louis, you and Zayn undoubtedly saved this young mans life between you but next time..and I sincerely pray there is never a next time….get proper medical help.

 

"You have my word" Niall said quietly. "I made my mind up not long after that , that I'd never do it again. That I would deal with this"

 

"Good lad, I know you can do this Niall. Now, how do you feel about therapy?" The doctor enquired. "Is it something you'd consider?"

 

"No!" then a little quieter "No. It's not for me. I just want to put this behind me. I was a stupid arse and I was lucky that I've come through it. I just want to go forward now" Niall was studying his hands as he spoke then he looked up and straight in the doctors eyes" I won't do it again."

 

"I believe you. Louis? Do you have anything to say?"

 

"Yeah, I know Niall. He really won't do it again. And he knows now that I'm not going anywhere. He'll have me to lean on. Me, Liam and Harry. We'll always be there for him"

 

"Then I accept your word Niall. And Louis, you're a great friend. Niall's a fortunate young man" Doctor Miller smiled warmly at both young men.

 

"Does that mean I can go home, you won't keep me?" Niall asked nervously, holding his breath as he waited for Doctor Miller to reply.

 

"Ah, well, I am actually going to keep you" Niall's face fell at the doctor's words "but only until Mr Taylor has also seen you and agreed you can leave us.Just a few more days, Niall" he told the crestfallen young man. . "We need you to eat more and keep your fluids up and make sure your tummy continues to recover. We want you well again, you're not being held hostage anymore" He grinned at Niall as he stood up to leave. "Oh by the way, I thought you'd be very interested in this" He pulled a paper from his jacket pocket and handed it to Louis. "I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight, gentlemen".

 

Louis looked at the paper his face absolutely stunned as he read it. "Ni!" he handed it to the blond Irishman. "Look!" Niall took the paper gingerly and started to read, his mouth falling open in shock.

Simon stalked into Stephen's office, the light of battle in his eyes. Nobody, repeat, nobody, was going to hurt his boys. Louis had gone to his Uncle Simon for help and help was exactly what he was going to get. Stephen had ruled the roost long enough. Time for the mighty to fall. He slammed the door behind him and glared at the man who sat, staring back, a nervous expression on his face.. " I can tell you were not expecting me" Simon smirked as he sat facing the head of Management "but that's ok. You have time to see me, plenty of time". Simon's grin grew larger. He was going to enjoy this.

 

Niall stared out of the window of his hospital room. Now he was free of the iVs and other monitors, he refused to stay in bed. He was itching to leave this place. Now he had confessed to Dr Miller about his suicide attempts, the Doctor had kept his word and promised Niall that he wouldn't be forced to stay in hospital against his will. But even with that promise, Niall knew he was still going to have to stay a bit longer, until they deemed his stomach healed enough. His thoughts were all consumed with the newspaper article that Dr Miller had shown him and Louis. He was still trying to take it all in. He wished Louis was here but Louis had received a call that had send him hurrying away with the promise that's he'd be in touch and that Niall mustn't feel deserted. Niall sighed quietly to himself. First Zayn had vanished, then Louis. He leant against the wall, eyes shut, body slumped, feeling more and more miserable. Louis had promised he'd always be there for him , but then, so had Zayn. A slow tear slid down his cheek and he brushed it away hurriedly. For f.cks sake, he was a grown man, not a baby. Another tear rolled down his face and Niall threw himself onto his bed and curled up in a tight ball, alone and miserable.

 

""Yeah mate, will do. No, don't worry, you have to be there. Good luck mate and keep in touch, ok?" Liam ended the call and shoved his phone into the back pocket of his jeans . " Hazz? You coming?" he called and was answered by hearing the thunder of feet on the stairs as Harry raced down to join him.

 

"Was that Lou on the phone?" he asked Liam

 

"Yeah, he's landed at LAX. He's not sure how long he'll be tied up there but he's worried about Niall. He promised Ni he'd be around for him and he doesn't want Ni to feel deserted. Especially after Zayn has left again.He wanted to make sure we were keeping an eye on Nialler . You ready? Let's go see our little leprechaun". He picked up his keys and led the way out to the car.

 

"Hey Nia........................" Harry's cheery greeting ended abruptly as he took in the pathetic sight before him. He instantly rushed across the room and pulled his frail bandmate off the bed and into his arms, hugging him gently. "Hey, it's OK". Niall shook his head slowly then buried his face into Harry's shoulder , his body shaking. Harry immediately thought he must be cold but then the truth registered, Niall was sobbing quietly. Resting his chin on Niall's soft hair, Harry whispered soothingly in Niall's ear as he waited patiently for Niall to calm down, Once Niall's breathing had evened out and his breath had ceased to hitch, Liam carefully gathered Niall up from Harry's embrace and in his own arms , before gently tucking him up in his bed, pulling the covers up over him. Harry reached out and grabbed Niall's hand as Liam perched on the side of the bed, rubbing Niall's leg up and down . Both men watched as Niall gradually relaxed.

 

"Ni? Wanna' talk?" Liam asked carefully

 

"It's just, I, well, I........" Niall took a steadying breath "I'm being childish, I know, I just miss Louis. I know he had to go, he was needed in LA but he promised...but Zayn did too...and......" Niall blushed and looked down with a look of extreme embarrassment.

 

"We understand, Ni, and it's not childish. You've been through a lot and you just need some extra love and support. No need to be embarrassed. Lou misses you too, he's already called to check on you. And Hazz and I are going to be around. You aren't on your own mate". Niall gave them both a watery smile then seemed to relax a little more.

"What the craic" Niall eventually wanted to know.

"Well, Louis has gone to LA for the 'event' as you know and Uncle Simon, lovely Uncle Simon, has been very busy. Look at these" Harry pulled out a thick bunch of newspaper cuttings and thrust them into Niall's hands. Niall studied each bold headline, the grin on his face getting bigger and bigger.

 

"That's f.cking brilliant, man. That's sic!" 

 

"It certainly is" Liam agreed. "Twitter is exploding with all the good things Louis does for others. Parents of children he's helped are bombarding the papers with their stories and even some of the media that have been tearing Lou down are 'forgetting' what cr*p they've written about him in the past and now questioning if Louis is being the target of a smear campaign. Even Management has come under scrutiny as someone 'accidentally" let it leak that they haven't done anything to prevent Louis being attacked."

 

"So how is Si involved?" Niall wanted to know

 

"Well, he also has friends in high places . And guess where he is today?" Liam said a smug look on his face.

 

"No!" Niall began to smile.

 

"Yes! my little Irish friend, yes! And I hope Management remembers that it's a long way down!'Harry laughed gleefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for more twists and turns as things hot up a little!


	19. Ground Control To Niall.,Come In Please!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N This medical information on MS is correct and not fiction. :-). It is still being trialled in both the UK and the USA and is producing promising results!

"Congratulations, Tommo. That's great news. Yeah, we'll tell Ni. I know he'll be happy for you". Liam smiled as he spoke. Louis sounded so excited.

 

"How's Ni?" His good news passed on, Louis was anxious to know how Niall was doing. He hated the fact he'd had to leave Niall, especially after assuring him he'd always be there for him. He knew Niall was feeling Zayn's lack of contact enormously. Zayn had pulled him through so much and then suddenly it was like Niall had ceased to exist for him. Louis wished he knew why.

 

" He's OK, missing you but we're making sure he knows you are checking on him. He's feeling very sensitive now, what with Zayn's recent remarks. He doesn't understand. We're not letting him read any of the interviews" Liam responded. "He had a meltdown earlier but he seems OK now"

 

"Thanks, Li. I'm glad you and Hazz are with him. I know he's promised he'd never attempt to..well, you know...but I can't help worrying. I still have nightmares about that night" Louis confessed.

 

"I go cold every time I think of it, too." Liam said "and I didn't actually have to deal with it. Hey Lou, before I forget, have you been following the media trend and Twitter?"

 

"Nah, been too busy with watching my son enter the world" Louis still sounded buzzed "What's happening?"

 

"Uncle Si, is what's happening. The media are doing a rapid about face thanks to all the parents of the children you've helped"

 

"But that was meant to be private!" Louis said rather shocked.

 

"They thought otherwise. People got upset at you being trashed, mate, when you didn't deserve it. And the best bit is, Uncle Si went to visit certain people" Liam said in tones of great satisfaction . "Louis? You still there?" Liam asked as the line went suddenly silent.

 

"Yeah. I'm speechless" 

 

"Tommo, speechless! Now that is media worthy! "Liam sassed raising a definite gurgle of laughter from his friend."You get back to your son, mate, and don't worry, we'll take care of Nialler." Liam ended the call then returned to Niall's hospital room to pass on the news that Louis' new title was officially 'Daddy'.

 

"Where's Caoimhe?" Niall asked the young nurse that had just entered his room " and what are you planning?" he nervously eyed the covered tray in her hand. He had the distinct feeling that he wasn't going to be happy when he found out.

 

"Caoimhe? That's the Irish nurse, isn't it. She's left."

 

"Left! When? Why?" Niall immediately wailed

 

"She broke off her engagement after finding her Fiance cheating on her. She decided to leave as she didn't want to keep bumping into him. He's a doctor here" the nurse offered by way of explanation.

 

"I liked her" Niall grumbled feeling suddenly bereft. Caoimhe was the one nurse here that made being a patient bearable.

 

"Well I'm afraid you'll have to put up with me as I have taken over your care. Now, if you'll just sit back down on your bed, I need to take some blood from you as Doctor Miller has requested some tests be done to see how you are progressing". Niall sat down on his bed, a slight scowl on his face. It was no secret he hated needles.

 

"Do I have to?" he asked a little fractiously " I hate needles".

 

"Yes, you do . And don't be such a baby" the nurse said firmly as she prepared the syringe ready to draw blood. Niall frowned but sat still, pointedly looking away from the sharp needle that was about to puncture his arm. "And you have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow morning." She informed him briskly as she gathered everything up prior to leaving the room." Doctor has prescribed a sedative for you as he is aware of your claustrophobia, so I shall be administering that for you tomorrow" She smiled breezily and walked out, leaving Niall grumbling to himself.

 

Harry wandered into Niall's room and dropped a bag of Nandos on Niall's bedside table. He'd gained the doctors permission for Niall to have something beyond the very bland food he had been forced to eat. Much to his surprise, Niall made no reaction. He didn't even seem to be aware of Harry's presence in the room. Harry's eyebrows drew together in a tiny frown. Wherever Niall's thoughts were, they seemed far away from the plain white hospital room.

 

"Ground Control to Niall, Ground Control to Niall, come in please"Harry said but Niall still continued to stare at the newspaper cutting in his hand. "Niall, I've been talking to you for the last ten minutes and I swear you've not heard a word" Harry sounded totally frustrated but still Niall seemed lost in his own little bubble."NIALL!" Harry finally shouted. Niall looked up, slightly dazed.

 

"Mmmhh?" 

 

"Niall, honestly. It's been like talking to a brick wall. Talk to me."

 

"Sorry Hazza, I was thinking"

 

"I can see that. Just what is so interesting about that newspaper cutting?" Harry reached over and tugged it out of Niall's hand and started to read the lengthy article. He looked up at Niall, his expression a curious mix of shock and disbelief'. Niall just nodded. "Li, read this" Harry held it out to Liam who had just entered the room. Liam read the article slowly, his lips moving as he read, then he dropped heavily onto the chair next to Harry as he also stared at Niall.

Niall shuddered as the needle containing the sedative pierced his skin. Much as he hated needles, if he was going to be shut in the MRI machine, he'd rather not be too conscious. Just the thought of being enclosed in that tiny chamber made his chest tighten with anxiety.

 

"Relax, Niall" the nurse said quietly "just take some deep breaths for me. You'll start feeling a little sleepy shortly".

 

"Can't" Niall heard the embarrassing shake in his voice but unable to hide it. "hate enclosed spaces"

 

"Just concentrate on your breathing for me, nice slow deep breaths." She waited until his breathing had eased down a little then led Niall over to the small bed that would slide into the MRI machine and helped him get comfortable.Finally she secured his head into some kind of restraint which made Niall start to panic again. . "Shhhsh, it's fine, you're fine. It's just to make sure your head stays perfectly still." She tucked a warm blanket around him then placed the panic alarm into his hands. "Remember you can see out through a mirror which will be over your head, you have the panic button if it all gets too much for you but I know you'll be fine" She patted his cheek reassuringly, carefully observing his face. His eyelids were drooping slightly as the sedative started to relax him. She gave the signal to the technician and the bed slid slowly into the machine. In just a few moments, the characteristic banging sounds of the machine started but Niall remained quiet and still, only vaguely aware of the noise and the gentle, soothing voice of one of the technicians talking.

 

Time passed in blur and eventually Niall felt the sensation of moving as the bed slid back out of the imaging machine. He opened his eyes groggily and looked up into the face of the nurse. "All finished" she reassured him and watched as his eyes fluttered shut once more. Two orderlies came and gently and smoothly transferred him from the bed to a gurney and, accompanied by the nurse, pushed him back to his room where he was transferred yet again, this time to his own bed.Once comfortably tucked back under the covers, Niall rolled onto his side, curled up like a small kitten and began to snore with soft, sweet little sounds. His nurse stood and watched him for a few moments then returned to the nurses station to update his notes, smiling to herself. Although she knew he was a twenty two year old man, when he was upset or sleeping, he looked like a small, sweet child, too innocent to be dealing with everything he was and had been dealing with. Poor lamb, she thought.

 

One benefit of being part of a world famous Boy Band was that one could afford excellent medical care. And being at St Vincent's Private Hospital also afforded Niall greater privacy and safety. Nobody, apart from Management, Simon Cowell, his family and his bandmates, knew he was hospitalised. The downside meant that social media had blown up with fans worrying about his whereabouts as he had seemingly vanished off the face of the earth. Twitter was exploding with tweets begging him to reassure fans. And the rumour mill had gone into overdrive. Niall was oblivious to all the drama happening in the outside world as he had literally stopped checking. Since failing to contact Zayn, it was like he had shut down and his phone remained unheeded, calls and texts ignored. This was something that pleased the other lads as they were very concerned about the effect Zayn's recent revelations would have on their little snowflake. Even Niall's brother had seemingly posted some very bizarre tweets that had had Directioners freaking out.No, it was better if Niall remained cocooned from all the drama.

 

Paul Taylor, the Neurologist, studied Niall's scans carefully before looking at the blood test results. Then he turned his attention to the endoscopy video, cringing as he surveyed the damage that had been done to Niall's stomach. Although Doctor Miller had promised Niall that their recent conversation would be private, he had, in fact, passed on the information to Paul , having extracted from him consent that the conversation was and would remain, totally off the record , and with no written information. Paul had readily agreed to do so but was glad he had the additional information as it would enable him to help his young patient more efficiently. Frowning to himself, he started writing out detailed treatment notes. He carefully thought through all the latest information, even as he wrote. It was a long shot, a very long shot. He frowned, staring down at his notes, then resumed writing once more. Finally, he threw down his pen and stood, slipping on his white coat and grabbing his stethoscope. Time to do his rounds.

 

Niall shivered with cold. The nurse had lowered his bed flat and pulled back the bedding to allow Paul to examine his young patient. He could see Niall was getting fractious with the constant poking and prodding but he had to be thorough. He pushed firmly down on Niall's stomach and Niall yelped faintly. "Still tender?" he asked the small Irish man and got a small nod in response. "It should be less sore very soon as you are responding well to treatment. Eating now?"

 

"Yeah, mainly fish and chicken and those milkshake things. Just not that hungry, to be honest" Niall admitted.

 

"Well, you do need to eat more. You need to gain weight. I'll get the nurse here to weight you and then we can set you some targets. And make sure you drink plenty of fluids…no alcohol...it'll mess your stomach up even more....but water, milk, clear soups, all good"

 

"When do I get out of here?" Niall asked hesitantly " I'm going crazy here"

 

"We'll see what you weigh and if it's an acceptable level, maybe the day after tomorrow? How does that sound?" Niall's face lit up in response " but you will need to rest. No stress, no overdoing things"

 

"Can I go home? Home to Ireland, I mean?"

 

"Certainly but I'll need to contact your doctor there as you'll need to have help available if necessary and whoever is in charge of your care temporarily will need to have your updated notes. Here, cover up before you freeze to death" He pulled the bedding back over Niall and pressed the controls to raise the back of the bed up ."Who is your Doctor there?"

 

"Don't have one any more" Niall bite his lip " at least not one I've seen since I was about 14. Suppose I'd see him."

" Good. Other than that, you'll also need to have a Consultant on hand. May I choose one for you? I know just the man and he's very up-to-date with his knowledge of MS. Actually, he's my father-in-law" Paul smiled.

 

"Yeah, sure" Niall agreed then started chewing on his lip. " I was wondering..about treatment..that new stuff I read about?"

 

Paul's eyebrows pulled together in a frown. He was dreading Niall asking about it . "I'm sorry Niall, really sorry, but I can't risk it. Your stomach is far too messed up. This would make it worse and it would probably kill you. I can't take that risk. Maybe,if your stomach heals completely , we can talk about it but until then...no…I'm sorry"

 

"But….."

 

""I'm sorry, no". He said compassionately. He hated having to say it but there was no way Niall would survive the treatment. Head down, he left the room. Niall looked down at the sheet he had started to twist between his fingers, his blue eyes swimming with unshed tears.

 

"Oh, lovey" the nurse said and pulled him into her arms, hugging him close. "You cry it it out".

Niall tried hard not to but hearing the nurse advise him to cry it out, he couldn't hold his emotions in any more and the hot tears fell. The nurse continued to hold him in a comforting embrace until Niall had finally shed the last tear. He pulled back from her, hiding his face, thoroughly embarrassed by what he considered his lack of manly restraint. The nurse quietly got up off the side of the bed where she had been sitting whilst she held him and vanished into the adjoining bathroom, emerging with a bowl of warm water and a soft flannel. She tenderly washed his face and hands, then smoothed back his hair from his forehead. Placing the bowl back down on the bedside table, she once again sat on the edge of his bed. "How about you tell me about it?" she asked encouragingly. "I can't alter things but sometimes just telling another person helps clear the mind".

 

"M'sorry" Niall mumbled, "I appreciate the offer but I'd just like to be alone now, if you don't mind".

 

"I understand. But the offer stands" The nurse stood up, smoothing down her uniform."Try to relax, the stress isn't good for you". She smiled sympathetically at him then left the room, glancing over her shoulder as she went out. Niall had slumped back against his pillows and was staring off into space. It hurt her heart to see the young man so despondent but there was little anyone could so to change things at the moment. Back at the nurses station, she drummed her fingers on the counter as she thought. Making up her mind, she picked up the phone and called Niall's Neurologist.

 

Liam tapped lightly on the door of Niall's room and entered on hearing a barely audible 'come in". He took in Niall's subdued demeanour with concern. It increased his worry for his bandmate and he was dreading having to tell him that he was leaving for the States later that day. Harry had already left and was in LA. "Hey, Ni. How's it going?" he said as cheerfully as possible. Niall turned his head towards him and shrugged but didn't answer. "Ni?" Liam asked "What's wrong, mate?". Niall shrugged a second time but still didn't answer. Liam sighed internally and sat down facing his bandmate. "Come on, Horan. Talk to me" he said " If you don't say what's wrong, I can't help."

 

"Nobody can help. I asked the doctor about the new treatment but he said no. I got my hopes up and he said no."

 

"Did he say why?" Liam wanted to know.

 

"Said my stomach was too messed up and it would likely kill me. I ruined my own chances and now there's nothing" Niall's voice was quiet, resigned.

 

"Ni, have you actually talked it through with him? Asked why? Mate, make sure you both discuss this."

 

"Nah, not worth it. He said no.". The room became silent as both men thought of the situation. Liam hoped Niall would say more but clearly he had withdrawn into himself and the walls he had put up when he was first diagnosed with MS were firmly in place once more.

 

"Ni, I've got to leave for the States later today. Harry's there already. It's the Awards" Liam sounded guilty. He hated to leave Niall alone. He felt like they were all deserting Niall when he needed them the most. "I'll come back as soon as I can, though".

 

"I'm going home soon. To Mullingar" Niall didn't sound enthusiastic. Normally he was bursting to get home to Ireland but today he sounded flat, depressed. Liam's heart hurt for his friend .

 

"Things will look brighter soon, Nialler. " Liam tried to cheer Niall up but Niall just shrugged and turned up his eyes to stare at the ceiling.

 

"May I come in?" Paul Taylor stood in the doorway. "Ah Liam, I'm glad you are here. I'd like to chat with you both. That is, if Niall has no objections?

 

Niall, I think you and I are at cross purposes. You obviously know about the new MS treatment. May I ask how?"

 

"Doc Miller gave me this cutting" Niall rummaged in the drawer of his bedside locker and withdrew the now very crumbled article. Paul took it from his hand and scanned the headline "Stem Cell Therapy Cure for MS?"

 

"I see. Yes, there have been some excellent results with the tests done over the last few years"

 

"I want to try it" Niall said "I want that chance. But you won't give it to me"

 

"Niall, I can't. It could kill you and it's not worth the risk" Paul said patiently "Maybe later but not now"

 

"Why not now?" Niall shouted. Liam reached over and rubbed Niall's arm softly ,trying to sooth his distraught friend.

 

"Calm down, mate." Liam then turned to the Neurologist ." Why can't Niall have this treatment" he asked Paul.

 

"I'm not saying never but it can't be done now" Paul reiterated. "And we don't know if it is a cure. There have been great results but whether it helps permanently or temporarily, we just don't know. Look, Niall your stomach is a mess. We need that to heal because this new treatment will require chemotherapy to kill off the faulty immune system. One of the side effects of chemo can be extreme vomiting. And that's the problem. Chemo has to be done to help reboot the immune system but your stomach can't take it...at least not yet and , worse case scenario, may never heal enough.. I'm not trying to prevent you from getting a possible cure, but I can't allow you to undertake a treatment that could result in your death. Niall, you just are not healthy enough, I'm sorry."

 

"But if his stomach heals, he gets healthy, is it possible?" Liam immediately wanted to know.

 

"Yes, but it's going to take time. The stomach must heal, Niall has to get his weight up and his general health as good as possible. And there are no guarantees, this may only prove to be a temporary control of the illness."

 

"Please, I want to do this. I want the chance" Niall said earnestly "I'll do anything you tell me to do, but please let me have this chance"

 

"Niall, I want to you to understand that this is a long shot. Everything rides on your stomach healing completely before we can even consider this. I can't budge on this. But if you are willing to respect my final decision on this, I'll help you. But please think carefully. If, and I repeat if, you have this treatment, it is going to be very hard to get through. Make sure you think the end result is worth what you'll have to go through. Chemo can be brutal with possible permanent side effects , and there are no guarantees that the end results will be what you want. " Paul spoke seriously. "You get some rest now, maybe talk this through with your family and friends. I'll be seeing you tomorrow before you are discharged. Have a holiday, relax and recuperate and we'll talk again in a few months". He held out his hand to Niall who shook it, a smile finally on his face.

 

"A chance is all I want, Doc"


	20. There's Nothing I Want To Talk About.

Niall pushed his plate away and rubbed his stomach contentedly. His Ma was the best cook he knew and nobody made Irish Stew as well as she did.

"Thanks Ma, that was sic". Niall smiled up at his mother as she removed the empty plate. He stretched his arms above his head then yawned. "Think I might go take a quick nap, if that's OK" he asked her.

"Off you go, son" Maura waved her hand towards the door. Niall stood up and after hugging his tiny mother, headed upstairs to his room. He had been released from hospital a few days previously and was still prone to feeling very tired.He pulled on his headphones and lay down across his bed, letting the music totally relax him. In minutes he was fast asleep, a slight smile on his lips. Maura quietly opened the door to his room and stood looking down at her youngest son. Brushing his blond hair off his forehead, she gently removed the headphones and pulled his duvet over him, before pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. and creeping slowly out of the room. She was so happy to have her baby home.

"Maura, it's so wonderful to see you again" Maura stood back and let her old school friend, Niamh, into the house .They had been friends since the both attended the same Convent school.They had kept in touch despite having very different lives, and took every opportunity to keep in touch. Maura hugged her friend then turned to the young woman who had been quietly waiting to be noticed. "Maura, this is my little niece, Qwee". Maura beamed at the pretty young girl before her. She was so petite, a little doll of a girl and a real beauty.

" Come in, come in, and we'll catch up. Sit yourselves down and make yourselves at home." Maura hurried from the room to make the tea.

Maura put the tea tray down on the coffee table and when she had served everyone, the three women joined in conversation, catching up with recent events in each others lives.

"Maura, have you and Chris seen the two boys lately?" Niamh asked ."I heard about Niall. How is the poor boy?"

"Greg and Denise are busy . Theo keeps them busy, he's into everything these days. And Niall is doing better, I think. Actually, he's asleep upstairs. He was in hospital recently but he was discharged a few days ago and he's come to stay with me. Tells me he needs fattening up. And that he does. He's so thin. All that racing around for years then getting ill, it's taken quite a toll on him. He's no color in his cheeks and I swear I can count his ribs. I'm glad to have him home, to be honest"

"Don't worry, Maura. You'll soon have him looking and feeling much better soon" . Maura gave them both a fleeting smile. She certainly hoped so, Niall worried her so much. It wasn't just that he was ill, it was walls that he had built around himself.He still was her own sweet boy but he had become so reserved and had spent most of his time since he got home, shut up in his room, 'resting' as he said.

"Now, how about you ladies? What's been happening in your lives?" Maura asked, pulling herself from her worries over her son.

"Well, Padraic has decided to he wants to return here to Ireland permanently. He'd so tired of getting sent here, there and everywhere every ten minutes. We're actually looking for a home here in Mullingar, or at least fairly near here. We viewed the old O'Donnal place. It'll need a bit of work but it's perfect otherwise. And my niece, here, is going to be staying with us for a time. She's looking to settle back here in Ireland herself and she likes Mullingar.

"It's a good place to settle. I'm hoping that Niall will get a home here himself. He has his home in London and it's a grand enough place but I know he misses Ireland. And Greg would be happier having his brother closer."Maura said wistfully. She was just about to pour more tea for her visitors when the sound of yelling came from upstairs. Placing the teapot down with a crash, she raced out of the room and up the stairs.

"Niall, wake up, wake up" She wrapped her arms around her son who was sat bolt upright in the bed, a look of terror in his eyes. "You're dreaming". Niall blinked a few times and turned to look into his mother's face. "You had a bad dream".

"M'sorry, Ma. Had a bit of a nightmare. I'm fine, it was just a dream" Niall looked shamefaced. 

"You all right now? " She asked and Niall nodded , giving her a small smile. "Wash your face and come downstairs. Remember Niamh? She's downstairs with her niece. Now, you'll like her. A very pretty girl and just the right age". With that Maura left the room. Niall slowly got off the bed and went into the bathroom to wash his face and comb his hair. Honestly, he hoped his Ma wasn't going to try matchmaking. He slowly made his way downstairs and into his Ma's comfortable sitting room.

"Auntie Niamh, it's great to see you" He gave her a hug then turned to face the young girl who had stood up when he'd entered. He reached out his hand to shake hers and….

YOU! They both said simultaneously.

"You know each other?" Maura asked, puzzled by the reaction of the two young people.

"Yeah, Caoimhe was one of my nurses at the hospital" Niall said "My favorite nurse, to be exact."

Maura sat down suddenly.

 

Niall collected the drinks from the bar and slid into the seat next to Caoimhe, giving her a grin.

"When Auntie Niamh said we were visiting her friend, she mentioned you but I never connected you with the Niall from One Direction" Caoimhe said shyly. 

"I actually like that you didn't. Here I'm just Niall. Everyone knows me and treats me just like they always did, before X-Factor and the band. I can be me" Niall said quietly.

"But being famous must be cool?' Caoimhe wanted to know.

"Yeah, and no. It's cool doing stuff you love doing and getting paid for it. And we have the best fans on the planet. But being famous and well off doesn't prevent sh*t happening in your life. I've learnt that the hard way".

"Niall, you'll get through this. You're going to get well again. You just need to look after yourself better. I bet your Ma will be taking the best care of you."She tried to sound as reassuring as possible as she knew Niall often felt very low. "And there are new treatments being trialled every day."

"Have you seen this?" Niall pulled out the dog-eared article from his wallet. He kept it with him the whole time , knowing what could be possible gave him hope. Caoimhe took it from him and read.

"Wow! Niall, that sounds wonderful"

"It does. And I need to get well enough. Paul Taylor says it's possible if I can get my health improved. The band is on Hiatus for a time. If I could just get it done now , then I'd be free to live normally. I could tour again."

"But Chemo, Niall. That's pretty brutal for most people. Are you sure you want to go through it...willingly?" Caoimhe looked at him, her face grave " Do you understand what that involves?"

"My hair falls out?" Niall said, shrugging.

"Niall, that aside. that's just one thing. Chemo kills the bad cells in the body. That article says it's needed to reboot the body's immune system to pre MS state. It kills the bad cells but it poisons the body to do it. You could get very sick, be permanently tired, have bad headaches, pain. Your skin gets sore, your concentration is affected. And that's not all. You immune system will be totally down, you'll be open to other illnesses. Nerve pain, bleeding gums, possible infertility The list is so long. You'd need to go through that before the stem cell treatment. And it's not certain it will work." She looked down at the table, not wanting to see Niall's expression.

"You said ' I could' not 'I will.' Caoimhe, I'm going to talk it out with Paul but at the moment, I want this treatment so much. I must be an awful person 'cos I don't want to live with this over my head. The not knowing what I'll feel like from day to day. Not knowing if I'll end up in a wheelchair, having someone feed me like I'm a baby. I can't do it" Niall whispered, shame faced. Caoimhe reached out and placed her small hand over his and squeezed gently. Niall raised his eyes and smiled briefly. "I'd better take you back home. Ma will be mad if I keep you out too long." He stood and helped Caomihe to her feet. "Please don't say anything to Ma or Auntie Niamhe. I want to keep this to myself."

"You've my professional word, Niall. My lips are sealed. And I do wish you well. Just make sure you know what's involved, for your own sake."

"Did you have a nice time with Caoimhe?" Maura asked Niall later that evening. "She's a pretty girl. And how wonderful you know her. Fancy that, your nurse. It's a small world. Will you be seeing her again?"

"Maybe Ma. She's a nice girl but don't you try any of your matchmaking. What happens .happens.I'm off to bed now. Maybe I'll Skype with the lads. I miss them".

"Goodnight, son. Give my love to the boys when you talk." 

"Will do. Night, Ma".

Niall gave his mother a quick kiss and headed up the stairs to bed. Once in the privacy of his room, he powered up his laptop and signed into Skype.

"How you doing, mate" Liam's face appeared on the screen "Enjoying being home?"

"It's Ok. Ma is constantly trying to feed me to fatten me up. It's working" Niall grinned back. "How's LA? Met up with Hazz yet?"

"Not yet. We're meeting up with him and his family tomorrow. Not long until his big day. You coming over for the party?' Liam wanted to know.

"Thinking about it. Won't be able to celebrate with alcohol though. It's still banned" Niall said grumbling.

"That's rough, Ni, but you are getting better? How's the stomach?'

"Not so sore now, doesn't hurt when I push on it. That's something, I suppose. Hey Li, you remember that Irish nurse I had? The pretty one?" Liam said he did "Well, she's here. Took her out for a drink this afternoon. Turns out she's staying with her auntie who happens to be an old school friend of my Ma.And they came to visit today"

"It's a small world" Liam said' are you going out again?

"Li!" Niall said but blushed slightly as he did. Liam smiled to himself but didn't pursue the subject, changing it to Louis and the new baby.

"Honestly Li, I don't know what to believe. The paps have gone into overdrive, Ma says. I've stayed off everything. Just not got the motivation at the moment" Niall admitted.

"Stay off it, Ni. Have a break and relax" Liam said encouragingly. He, Louis and Harry all hoped Niall would stay in his own little bubble at the moment. There was too much happening and they were afraid that all the media stories would be too much for Niall in his current state. He only hoped nobody mentioned Zayn's forthcoming interview on the Graham Norton Show. Heaven only knew what Zayn was likely to say and they were worried about the effect on Niall.

The two young men chatted back and forth for another hour until Niall's eyelids started to close.

"Hey Nialler, time you got some sleep.. We'll talk soon. Take care, Bud"

"You too, Bro".

Niall yawned and put his laptop to one side before getting off the bed and stripping off and climbing under the duvet once more. Sleep came quickly but his dreams were not pleasant. All his worries about the final stages of MS mixed in with memories of his conversation with Caoimhe wove together in to dark dreams. He started tossing and turning in his sleep, arms flaying about as sweat poured from his body. Then his terrified screams rang through the house.

Niall screamed and thrashed, his arms flaying about, knocking every thing off his bedside table. Chris, his stepdad, grabbed him, desperately trying to get him to wake up but Niall continued to yell and scream, struggling in his fear to escape from his stepfather's arms. Slowly the spell was broken and Niall gradually came to and looked at Chris with a confused expression on his face. He lay still in Chris's hold, limp and sweaty. Chris guided Niall to a sitting position and Maura held out a glass of water. Niall took it from her but his hands were shaking so much it was slopping everywhere. Chris took it from him and carefully held the glass to Niall's mouth, helping him to drink, Niall turning his head away after a few sips.

 

"M'sorry" he murmured, embarrassed. "I must have had a bad dream. I'm sorry I woke you"

 

"Bad dream?" Chris said "Niall, that was more than a bad dream. We had terrible trouble getting you to wake up. Just what were you dreaming about for you to be so terrified"

 

"I..ergh ..I ....I don't know. I can't remember" Niall lied There was no way he wanted to talk about it. Please, please don't ask me, he thought.

 

"Niall James Horan" Maura said firmly "If you think you can lie to me, you have another thing coming. You can't lie to save your life. Now, what was that dream about?"

 

"Ma, leave it" Niall said sharply

 

"No!" Maura retorted

 

"Ma, Please" Niall pleaded. "I don't want to think about it. I don't want to talk about it. Please ,Ma"

 

"Maura, maybe we should discuss this in the morning. Now isn't the time" Chris said placatingly. "Niall, you go grab a quick shower and we'll change your sheets. They're soaked with sweat". Niall nodded gratefully and hurriedly left the room. Chris waited until he heard the shower running then turned to Maura "Whatever it was, he was more than terrified. But I don't think he's going to be too willing to tell us". He pulled the sweat soaked sheets off the bed as he spoke then moved out of the way to allow Maura to remake the bed. "He's not one for sharing his worries" Chris continued.

 

"Always did hide stuff. Never wanted anyone to make a fuss. It's his way. He was like it right from a baby" Maura said reflectively, recalling all the times when Niall had been ill or worried, yet pretended he was fine. "Chris, I don't know what to do. My baby needs help and I don't know where to begin". Tears filled Maura's eyes and Chris immediately wrapped a comforting arm around her.

 

"We'll figure it out, love, but we'll need to be patient. Come on, you get back to bed. I'll make sure Niall is OK and settled again". Chris gently but firmly shooed Maura from the room then sat on Niall's bed , waiting for the young blond to return.

 

"Oh" Niall stopped in the doorway "I thought you'd gone back to bed". Niall wrapped the towel more firmly around his hips then searched around for something to put on. He finally found some sweats and slid them on under cover of the towel before rubbing his hand absentmindedly through his tousled hair. He turned his eyes towards his stepfather who was eying him with a thoughtful expression. Chris cleared his throat then spoke, choosing his words carefully.

 

"Ni, I understand you might not want to talk but your Ma is worried about you. I'm worried about you. I ..we...want you to know that you can talk to us about anything. Anything" he repeated. Niall looked at him then down at the floor.

 

"Chris, I appreciate that, I really do, but there's nothing I want to talk about. Thanks for earlier but I'd like to go to sleep now" Niall stood and looked down at Chris who took the hint and stood himself.

 

"I meant it, Ni" he said. Niall just nodded and turned away. Chris shook his head and left. Niall wasn't going to talk . Chris respected Niall was a grown man and had the right to privacy but he had grown very fond of his young stepson and hated to see him in this state. He sighed.

 

Once Chris had left, Niall realised that he wasn't going to sleep any time soon , so he powered up his laptop once more . He sat in thought for a few moment then started to google information on Chemotherapy. Caoimhe was right, it wasn't going to be a picnic. Niall shuddered to himself as flashbacks from his nightmare pushed into his mind once more. But was MS in it's final stages any better? And how long would it be before he had his next flareup. Anything could be a trigger. Illness. Stress. Stress! He had enough of that at the moment. He gently rubbed his tummy as an uncomfortable feeling rumbled around his insides.Pressing gently, he flinched slightly as his stomach hurt. Not much, but it was there. Avoid stress! That's what he was told. Relax! Yeah, he was going the right way about that too. He was a mess.

 

The laptop rested across his knees, temporarily ignored as Niall let his mind wander over thoughts and feelings. He wanted someone to talk to, someone who would really understand, someone who cared. Someone. Who am I trying to kid, he told himself, it isn't just anyone I want to talk to. It's Zayn. Zayn who's changed his phone number. Zayn who's left the country. Zayn who promised he'd be there for me. He broke that promise, Niall thought grimly . He promised. Niall's thoughts grew increasing bitter. Zayn! Wait, he couldn't phone Zayn but....Niall hurriedly signed into Skype and scrolled through his list of contacts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Caomhe is pronounced Qwee Vah


	21. Tomato Red

Right! Come on Zee, I need to talk to you" Niall thought as he searched through his contacts, selecting the one he needed. Nothing.Nada. The contact no longer existed. Niall frowned then looked again. Zayn had cut all ties. Niall leant back against his headboard, devastated as it finally sunk in. Niall recalled only too clearly what Zayn had written in the letter he had left for Niall at the hospital: 

 

"I'll be back in the US by the time you read this. I am going to stay out of your lives now. I want you to know that even though our paths won't cross again, I will always love my four brothers. Stay safe for me, little bro.

 

Your big brother,

 

Zayn

 

Zayn really meant it, "I am going to stay out of your lives now " He had deliberately taken himself out of Niall's life. Niall sat staring at his computer screen,looking totally lost.

 

"Ring,Ring" Niall blinked. Someone was trying to Skype with him. Louis! Niall quickly answered.

 

"Hey Nialler, how's it going" Louis looked exhausted but happy as he cradled his newborn son in his arms 

 

"Hey Lou, It's great to see you and the little guy. Congrats" Niall pasted a smile on his face but Louis wasn't deceived.

 

"Thanks , Bro. But how are you? Really?"

 

"Great. Doing great" Niall responded quickly.

 

"But how about you really answer the question.?Like what are you doing up at "Louis glanced at his watch "3am your time? And why you look like absolute Sh*t."

 

"I did answer " Niall replied testily

 

"Nope. You didn't. Ni, I can tell something's wrong. You can't lie, you're useless at it. So tell Uncle Lou what's the matter" Louis used a teasing tone, knowing that if he pushed that little too hard, Niall would clam up. But it was clear from Niall's demeanour that all was not well with the Irishman. Louis glanced down at his tiny son, cradled in his arms "Stay there, Ni. Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back" Louis stood up and went to carefully lay the baby down in his cradle.

 

As soon as he had left, Niall leant back against his pillows, eyes closed , rubbing his throbbing temples, his brows pulled together in pain from the migraine that was starting. Louis came back quietly and didn't speak as he sat down facing the screen once again. studied his bandmate carefully before he spoke. Niall's face was pale and drawn, his hair looked like Niall had repeatedly run his hands through it and his shoulders were stiff with tension. He was in obvious pain too.

 

"Liar" 

 

"Mmmh, what?" Niall's eyes jerked open and he sat up abruptly.

 

"You're a f*cking liar." Louis said bluntly.

 

"You shouldn't cuss in front of the baby" Niall retorted

 

"Shut it, Horan" Louis snapped back, feeling irritated, more with himself than with Niall. He stared at Niall who stared back silently. "Niall? Answer me"

 

"You told me to shut it" Niall retorted, equally snappily.

 

"Don't f*ck with me Niall. And don't try and change the subject" Louis ran his hands through his own hair in frustration ."Look at you! I'm not stupid and I'm not f*cking blind, either"

 

"Lou, I'm just tired. I'm fine"

 

"No, you're not fine , Ni. Come on. I want to help" Louis said quietly. "Ni…......"

 

"OK,OK " Niall gave up, realising that Louis wasn't going to let it drop "I had a really bad nightmare , about the MS and that new treatment and stuff. I wanted to talk to someone...to Zayn…I was going to Skype him but he's deleted his account".

 

"A ha, so that's why you were signed in. It explains why you weren't too pleased when I popped up. Not me you had hoped to talk with" 

 

"Lou, it's not like that. I'm glad you called, it's just that...I can't explain. Zayn told me he'd always be there for me...and he's not. I know he said he was going to stay out of our lives, but I kinda hoped...." Niall's voice trailed away. Louis groaned to himself. He had been dreading this. They had been so busy protecting Niall from Zayn's comments that he made during recent interviews , they had forgotten Niall might just try contacting Zayn other ways.Louis took a deep breath….

 

"Look,Bro. Zayn's been distancing himself from us lately. He's, ah. made it perfectly clear in recent interviews that we, none of us, are in touch. He's said some other stuff too. It's been pretty hurtful, to be honest". Louis didn't know how much he should share with Niall. Zayn had pulled Niall through his darkest hours and Niall had come to depend on him. And now Zayn had abruptly withdrawn his support. "Bro, I am sure he still cares about you but he's moved on now" Louis finished quietly.

 

"What interviews? What's he said? Why didn't you tell me?" Niall's questions poured out in a rush.

 

"Just interviews, Ni. We didn't want to bother you with it. You were not doing great and we thought it best not to stress you with it." Louis said carefully. None of the boys had wanted to tell Niall what Zayn had been saying about the Band, afraid of the effect it would have on the little blond lad. He idolised Zayn and Zayn had always been the one to make sure Niall was OK.They were petrified of the effect Zayn's latest behaviour would have on their friend who was already both emotionally and physically fragile.

 

"But I need him, Lou. I can't do this without him Why did he leave me? " Niall sounded desperate .

 

"You can do this, Ni. You're stronger than you think. You are braver than you know. And you will always have us...me, Liam and Harry. We won't leave you, mate" Louis spoke as reassuringly as he could. He was so worried that Niall was falling apart once again. They had to get Niall through this. 

 

"No, I need Zayn" Niall's voice was barely audible. " He promised me , Louis. He promised that he'd be there and he told me I could always talk to him but he's broken his word".

 

"Nialler, Zayn has his own demons to fight and he needs time and space . And you can do this" Louis said firmly. 

 

"Yeah, maybe….oh, I don't know" Niall whispered

 

"You will, Ni. and you're not doing it alone."

 

"You sound so confident" Niall's voice was flat, sad and tugged at Louis heart.

 

"I am. And I am the master of all wisdom, remember." Louis sassed and was rewarded by a fleeting smile from his young friend. Louis decided the time was right for a little change of subject and he knew just where that conversation was going.

 

"Ni?" Louis grinned cheekily

 

"Yeah, Lou?"

 

"I hear you've been having assignations with a rather lovely Irish lass."

 

"I never touched her!" Niall instantly yelled , making Louis collapse into helpless laughter at his friends reaction. It took him several minutes to recover only to laugh again when he saw Niall.

 

"Niall, you dork. That means you've had a date with a girl."

 

"Oh..ah..yeah..well...it was Caoimhe. You remember my nurse, the one you said could blanket bath you?.... I.. we...drink." Niall was mumbling so much Louis could only pick up a word here and there., Niall's face was tomato red, even the tips of his ears glowed slightly. Louis knew how shy Niall still could be around women and found it utterly adorable that Niall was looking so bashful.

 

"Ni?"

 

"Louis?"

 

"Ask her out on a date"

 

"But…"

 

"Ni...just do it. Hey, I gotta go now. Freddie's going for his first check up. Take care, mate. And remember, you're never alone" And with that, Louis was gone.

 

Ask her out on a date? Niall lay back, turning the idea over and over in his mind. Would she accept? Why would she want to go out with a man whose future was so uncertain. Niall recalled the tender way Louis had cradled his tiny son in his arms. It was Niall had hoped for the future. A wife, children...his own son. But now? His eyes drifted shut as he pictured Caoimhe's face and soon the only sounds in his room were the ticking of his clock and his own soft snores.

"I'm just going to give you some oxygen, sweetheart. You need to calm that breathing down for me". The nurse placed the mask over Niall's face and adjusted the flow. "There now, try and relax for me". She bustled about Niall, covering him with a light blanket, "Now , you've had this done before so you know what happens" She cleaned a spot on Niall's arm with an alcohol wipe then slid in the needle administering the sedative before Niall had even registered what she was doing. "You just rest and it will be all over before you know it".

 

Niall felt himself drifting away, vaguely aware of movement and the talking around him. He blinked sleepily as he was lifted off the gurney and placed on a bed. "Open your mouth Niall. Just the spray at the back of your throat. Well done. Keep your mouth open for me" Niall gagged as the tube started going down his throat. He struggled to breath and gagged again . He felt he was suffocating. Then he remembered nothing more.

 

"Wake up, Niall. It's all finished. You did really well. Can you open your eyes for me?" Niall forced his eyes open and looked at the nurse who was checking his blood pressure and temperature. She raised the back of the bed and gave him a sippy cup " Just a few sips, sweetheart. I'll bring you a nice cup of tea a little later. She smiled at him then left him to sleep away the last of the sedative left in his body.

 

Niall had just finished drinking the promised tea and was wondering if he could change into his normal clothing ,and ditch the hospital gown he had been forced to wear for the endoscopy ,when the door to his room opened and his Neurologist walked in , along with Doctor Miller.

 

"Good afternoon, Niall" Paul Taylor greeted his young patient " how are you feeling?"

 

"Throat's a bit sore but that's all" Niall's voice was a little raspy "Did it go OK?" He was anxious to know.

 

"Your throat will feel better quite quickly, drink lots of fluids though, it helps. Now, we've had a good look at the results of your endoscopy and they are quite pleasing. Your stomach appears to have recovered from the damage although I have to stress that it will most likely not ever go back to the way it was." He noticed Niall's puzzled look " I mean that you'll be more prone to stomach upsets and the like in the future so you'll need to be more careful."

 

"But it's healed now?" Niall queried anxiously.

 

"You really want to know if it's healed enough, don't you?" Paul replied, his eyes twinkling.

 

"Yeah, I guess that's what I mean" Niall confirmed.

 

"Yes, I believe so but that doesn't mean that we can go ahead with things, Niall. You have to fully understand what is involved . You also have to be physically well enough to be able to withstand the treatment."

 

"But you promised" Niall said quickly.

 

"No, Niall, I didn't. Remember I told you I would consider trying out the new treatment but it hinged on how well you were, how good your stomach had healed and whether I felt the treatment was right for you, both physically and mentally. Niall, it's not going to be a walk in the park. As I told you then, it will be my final decision. You agreed to that." the Neurologist said firmly and Niall nodded reluctantly. He had agreed but he still had hopes he'd get the chance.

 

"Now Niall, the endoscopy is out of the way, let's give you a thorough going over and get that part out of the way" Doctor Miller said cheerfully. "I'll just get nurse to come in and we'll get started." He made Niall's bed go flat then put down the hated side rails as the nurse entered the room. She wasted on time in removing all but one of Niall's pillows and pulling back his bed covers to allow the two doctors to begin their examination. Niall hated all the poking and prodding, the examination seemingly endless. Finally, as both doctors scribbled notes on various charts, Niall's nurse, put him to rights again.

 

"Right Niall, Miller and I will go and review our findings and one of us will come and see you later today. Nurse here, will look after you." Paul said as he and the other doctor headed towards the door.

 

"Uh...Can't I leave now? I thought I was just meant to be here for the endoscopy and that's done and the sedative has worn off".

 

"It would be more convenient for you to stay with us overnight, Niall. Any reason why not?"

 

"Any reason why?" Niall countered and got a laugh from both doctors.

 

"That depends on a few things. Can we at least get you to stay until we speak with you later?" Niall sighed but agreed and the two doctors left, leaving Niall looking at the closed door. Sighing again, Niall grabbed his phone and started texting the other lads, to pass the time.Feeling suddenly tired, Niall closed his eyes to rest them and they didn't reopen as he succumbed to sleep.

 

"Mr Horan, Niall...wakey, wakey" Niall groaned and rolled over, not wanting to wake up. "Niall".

 

"mmmh, OK, OK, I'm awake" He pushed himself up into a sitting position and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, just like a small child would do.

 

"Here, eat your dinner. Mr Taylor will be in to see you afterwards to discuss your recent examination with you". The nurse smiled as she swung the table across the bed and lifted the covering off Niall's plate. He groaned when he saw the meal.....plain fish with some type of rice. Yuck!. He pushed it away. "Now then Mr Horan, you must eat it" the nurse said firmly before leaving the room. Niall waited until he was sure she'd gone then carefully moved the table out of his way. Grabbing the plate, he took it into the adjoining bathroom and flushed away the offending meal. He was returning just about to jump in the bed as the door opened and Paul Taylor walked in. He raised an eyebrow ,seeing Niall out of bed and with an empty plate in his hand . Niall blushed guiltily as Paul took the plate out of his hand and placed it on the table. Still blushing, Niall sat on the edge of the bed, looking at the floor.

 

"Now then Niall" Paul began, trying hard not to smile at Niall's guilty expression but deciding to ignore what he'd just seen "Doctor Miller and I have discussed your case fully. I want a few more tests done, which I hope you'll allow me to get done tomorrow? Once they are complete and I have the results, we can talk further. Physically, you are in a much better place than you were a few months ago. However" Paul looked at Niall meaningfully "You are still underweight". Niall blushed again. "So you do need to get a little more weight on you" . Niall nodded. "As I said, physically, you are improving but how do you feel mentally?" Niall froze. Why oh why did he have to be asked that? "Niall?"

 

"I'm fine. I had a low time earlier but it got better. I got better".Niall's voice was quiet, his body unnaturally still.

 

"Do you know what triggered it? Are you still taking your prescribed medication?" Paul immediately wanted to know. He studied Niall carefully. Often it was what a patient didn't say that gave him the more accurate information. And Niall looked hurt, like a tiny child who's teddy bear had been taken away. Paul wondered if a call to Niall's emergency contact, a Mr Tomlinson, might fill in a few gaps.

 

" Yeah, I don't want to, but I'm still taking it. I just had a bad day. I'd not been sleeping well and I was panicking about the future. I tried to contact someone who'd been a big support to me in the past and he, ah, wasn't…...... available" Niall finished lamely.

 

"So this withdrawal of support from this particular person made you depressed?" Paul pushed.

 

"Yeah, for a time. But then other people reminded me they were there for me and I got through it."

 

"And if we go for this new treatment, will not having this person to support you be a problem?" Paul hated having to push his patients to answer but he had to be in possession of all the information that could effect his patients. He always strove to remember they were real people, not just a bunch of symptoms that needed treating, and the more he knew about them, the better he felt he could help.

 

"Sometimes, maybe, but I have Louis, Liam and Harry. I don't think they'd let me down. And my family......well Ma & Da and my stepdad, Chris. I've a brother, Greg, but things are a bit..........strained at the moment" Niall sounded sad.Greg had been acting so strange lately and it worried Niall. It was like there was a wall between them but Niall didn't understand why.But that was something he'd worry about later. He returned his concentration back to what Paul was asking.

 

"You feel you will have good back up, then?" Niall nodded. " Well then, I suggest you stay with us overnight and tomorrow morning we'll start the rest of the tests. We'll see how you are after them and either discharge you or keep you overnight again, letting you go the following morning . How does that sound?"

 

"What will the tests involve? Niall wanted to know, worried by Paul had commented that he'd see how Niall was after the tests. That didn't sound good.

 

"You'll be having another MRI which will require sedation, due to your claustrophobia. I'll need blood and urine tests, an ECG and the usual observations..weight, blood pressure, etc. You have asthma so we'll need peak flow readings and so forth. We'll cover all the bases. Personally, I think you should prepare to stay tomorrow night as well." He stood up and shook Niall's hand then paused and pressed the nurses call button. A nurse promptly arrived in the room ,a questioning look on her face.

 

"Niall's rather hungry" the Neurologist told her. "His dinner is all gone but could you get him one of the fortified milkshakes, some fruit and a couple of slices of toast and jam?" He winked at Niall , leaving the nurse to carry out his instructions and wonder why her patient was suddenly blushing tomato red .

By the time Niall had been taken down to the Imaging Unit, he was already very anxious and struggling to breath as his panic had triggered his asthma. The nurse looking after him immediately put him on oxygen in the hope that , when the sedation had fully kicked in, her patient would be stable enough to have the MRI done. Her hopes were granted and Niall was finally breathing easily once more. The bed slid into the machine and the long process began, Niall actually falling asleep during it, much to everyones relief. Everyone was fond of the sweet Irishman and hated to see him distressed in any way.

 

Once the MRI was complete and Niall was sleeping off the effects of the sedation, Paul Taylor studied the imaging results, stroking his chin thoughtfully. After consulting his notes then recording his latest findings, he caught sight of Niall's contact details and made up his mind. Picking up the phone, he called the emergency contact number which was answered after a few short rings.

 

"Hello, am I speaking with a Mr Louis Tomlinson?"

 

"Yeah, who wants me?" Louis asked in a tired voice. His little son had decided that sleeping wasn't something he wanted to do and had been crying for the last few hours.

"This is Paul Taylor, Niall Horan's Neurologist. We have met before" Paul said pleasantly.

"Is Ni OK? Has something happened? Oh God, what's wrong?" Louis was tripping over his words in his panic.

"Please don't alarm yourself. Niall is fine. I just have a question or two for you that Niall seems reluctant to answer. As you no doubt know, Niall wants to have the new MS treatment that is being trialed both here in the UK and also in the USA. He's undergoing tests now to see if it is going to benefit him but there are a few aspects that concern me. I am aware that this is rather unorthodox and borderline unprofessional, but I do want to help Niall and you are listed as his emergency contact" Paul ended and waited for Louis to reply.

"Does Niall know you planned to talk with me?" Louis asked warily " I don't like going behind his back."

"No, he doesn't" Paul admitted " and I know it is hardly the right thing to do but I really am anxious to help Niall. Look, how about I ask what I need to know. If you don't want to or feel any question is inappropriate, I will respect your decisions. But please consider it. I am not asking these questions lightly. The answers may be crucial to Niall's wellbeing".

"OK, you can ask but if I don't want to answer, then that's fine?" Louis confirmed.

"Completely Mr Tomlinson. As I said, I will respect your decisions.

"Fire away then, oh, and call me Louis. Mr Tomlinson makes me feel old".

"Louis, then." Paul said then "Right. As I said, Niall is undergoing some very comprehensive tests at the moment to see if he is physically up to the treatment he wants. If he is, then I shall be explaining to him exactly what it involves then he can make an educated choice as to whether to proceed with the treatment."

"Can I interrupt ?" Louis quickly said " The treatment, what does it involve?"

"Can we cover that later? I really need to have some information from you first. I take it you know Niall extremely well?"

"Yeah, he's one of my best mates. We've been through a lot together"

"Yes, Niall said you and your friends have been wonderfully supportive. He'll need plenty of that, especially if we go ahead with the proposed treatment. My issue is not Niall's physical health. That we can help him with . It's his mental strength that concerns me. I spoke to him yesterday and he told me that someone he had relied on for support had, to use his own words, become 'unavailable'. The withdrawal of support from this one person seems to have affected him quite severely. I was wondering if you could perhaps enlighten me?" Paul kept his tone conversational but he knew that a lot was riding on Louis' answer. "Louis?" he said after a few moments silence.

Louis sighed heavily. What was he supposed to do? What if his answer stopped Niall having the treatment he so desperately wanted? Could he do that to Niall? He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, trying to quell the ache in his head.

"Louis?" Paul said again, quietly.

"How much to you know about our band? About One Direction?"

"Quite a bit, to be honest ,although this is due to my daughters being big fans." Paul confessed "Not my type of music normally".

"You know about Zayn leaving the band suddenly?"

"Ah yes. I believe I met him at a few of Niall's appointments. I know he was instrumental in saving Niall's life a few times, as were you"

"Yeah, well, Zayn was like Niall's big brother. He was...is...was...very protective over him. He was the first person Niall went to when he was told he had MS. Zayn flew over from the States to be with him. You also may know about the media finding out about Niall's suicide attempt?" Louis paused and Paul acknowledged that he had indeed heard about it.

"Didn't Zayn say that was false, that it was him that had attempted suicide?" Paul asked, dragging up from his memory , half remembered conversations his daughters had had about that interview.

"Yeah, he said that it was him not Niall. He wanted to protect Niall you see. But after that, he just cut himself off from us. He's changed all his contact numbers. It's been very hard on Niall, maybe too hard. I'm worried about him" Louis spoke quietly, his concern evident in his voice.

"And do you think Niall can go through some very complex and demanding treatment without support from Zayn? This is important , Louis. The treatment he'll need will be physically and mentally challenging. I don't want to put him through it if there is any doubt he'll come through it.' Paul's voice was sombre, equally concerned.

"Truthful answer? I just don't know. I do know that Me and the other lads won't let Niall down. He'll have our support every step of the way, for what it's worth" was Louis firm response."He's stubborn and determined though."

"Thank you, Louis. You've been very helpful. If we do decide to offer Niall the treatment, would you be able to attend the appointment when we explain what's involved? I think it would help. It will be a lot for Niall to take in and you may be able to help him remember information, maybe help with any questions you or he might have regarding the situation?".

"Ah, when would that be? I'm in the US at the moment. I've just become a father" Louis immediate started to worry. He'd promised Niall he'd support him but he couldn't suddenly fly home.

"Not for a time. We need to study the test results first and Niall does need to get a little stronger. Perhaps one off the other young men could attend. And we can also arrange a Sykpe conference ? Then you can be involved without having to be there physically. Is that something we can consider?"

"Yeah, I'm on board for that. Look, I know Zayn's out of the picture but the rest of us, we're in for the long haul. He's our little brothers and we're going to be there for him."

"Yes, Louis. I believe you are"


	22. AHSCT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The medical information is correct. This treatment has been under trial since 2010/11 and is being used in the UK and the USA.

"Niall, it's good to see you. How have you been keeping?" Paul Taylor smiled at his young patient as he waved him to a chair. "And you too, Liam" he addressed the bearded young man who had accompanied Niall to his appointment. "Take a seat gentlemen and make yourselves comfortable. We're just waiting for Louis to join us"

 

"Lou's here?" Niall asked excitedly.

 

"He'll be joining us on Skype, Niall. Unfortunately he is unable to physically be with us. He does, however, very much wish to support you which ever route you decide." The Neurologist was interrupted by the beeping tone that announced that Louis was now on the screen. "Ah, Louis. We are glad to have you with us.

 

"Hi Niall, Li, Paul" Louis chirped and got answering hellos from the boys.

 

Paul sat himself behind his desk and angled the screen so that Louis could see them all and they could all see Louis. Paul cleared his throat "Now, before I start to explain the what the treatment will involve, please feel free to ask as many questions as you like, either as we go along or at the end, whichever you prefer. Niall, there will be a lot of information for you to absorb so I am sure having Louis and Liam with you will help. Now then gentlemen, if you are all ready, I shall explain the treatment, what it entails and its possible outcome.

 

As you are aware, MS is caused by the immune system becoming faulty which leads it to attack the body instead of acting as a defence system. For the last five years or so, there have been trials that have been using the patients own stem cells to reboot the immune system and take it back to the pre-MS state.As I said, this is still a trial treatment and whilst it has proven to given promising results, it is not without drawbacks and we still do not know if the treatment is 100% effective and/or if the results are permanent. It is also very expensive. Are you all with me so far?" Paul asked and got confirming nods from everyone.

 

Now, in order to reboot the immune system, we actually have to destroy it." Paul continued " This is done by aggressive chemotherapy at very high doses. First we have to collect the stem cells from the patient. This is done over a few weeks. This is then stored while Chemo is carried out. Then the patient receives their own stem cells back via an IV system which will reboot the immune system back to healthy. The procedure is called Autologous Haematopietic Stem Cell Transplantation, AHSCT for short. Everyone still with me?" Paul queried, looking at the men around him. "Niall?"

 

"I think so" Niall said with a small frown .

 

"Any questions?" Paul wanted to know.

 

"The chemo" Liam said " you said it would be very aggressive, high dose. Why?"

 

"The immune system has to be completely destroyed otherwise the stem cell transplant will not be effective. It would be done every one to two weeks f until 10 treatments have been completed. The timing would ultimately be down to the Consultant Oncologist, Mr Peters. As the treatment will be particularly aggressive, there will also be increased side effects and also more risks in withstanding the treatment. This is why I want you to know everything. You may decide it isn't worth it.

 

"OK, side effects and risks" Liam wanted to know, glancing at Niall who was white and shaking. Liam reached out his hand and gently rubbed Niall's shoulder.

 

"The side effects of the chemo can vary from person to person. It's possible to get all the side effects, some or even none. There is no real answer. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, bruising, sore mouth, bleeding gums, persistent cough. pain, itching, infertility , hair loss are the main ones. Most of these can be managed with medication." Paul listed off the general things that could be expected.

 

"Infertility" Niall whispered. He wanted his own children, what if it couldn't happen. He rubbed his hand over his face, jumping slightly when Louis spoke.

 

"Paul, is that a definite? Is there a way to prevent it?"

 

"Some men manage to come through it but it is less likely with the higher chemo dose. The Oncologist usually recommend collecting sperm samples and storing them so that the patient can have children after treatment is finished. It is a wise choice to make." Niall sighed quietly . Caoimhe was right, it wasn't a walk in the park.Niall remembered everything she had told him and shuddered.

 

"If Ni goes for this, what will actually happen then?" Louis was anxious to get all the facts.

 

"Well, Niall would have a pre assessment to make sure he was as well as possible. Then he'd be admitted into an Isolation unit. Stem cells will be collected from his bone marrow, skin and fat tissues over a week or so. This is then frozen. Then chemo is started. As the immune system will cease to exist, Niall would be kept in Isolation to try and prevent him getting any illnesses. This is absolutely crucial as his body will have absolutely no defence and even a cold could prove fatal. Once chemo is completed then Niall will receive his own stem cells back via an IV system." Paul's voice was calm, matter of fact. He looked at Niall to judge his reaction. Niall was staring at the floor, twisting his fingers together, his left leg jigging up and down. Paul watched as Liam gently put his hand on Niall's knee to still the restless movement. Looking at both Liam and Louis' faces, Paul knew that Niall was going to be supported through whatever he chose to do. Their love and care for their young bandmate was so transparent.

 

"And the risks?" Louis persisted. He wanted to make sure he understood as much as possible.

 

"The risks, apart from the side effects common to Chemo, will be that his entire body could shut down. He'll be at risk from infection, blood loss, breathing problems, kidney failure, etc. As I keep saying, ity is going to be mentally and physically challenging. I advise that you think this through seriously, Niall. Are you willing to take those risks? Do you think the outcome will be worth it?

 

Gentlemen, there is absolutely no rush to make a decision. Niall, you will need to continue with your regular appointments with me and with your Clinical Nurse Specialist, regardless of your decision. I'm always available if you wish to ask any questions or if you require more explanations. The nurse will also be able to help you. I can arrange for you to talk with the Consultant Oncologist as well. He'll do a far better explanation of the Chemotherapy .

 

"I have to do my rounds now but please feel free to use my office and continue to discuss this matter with each other. Louis, thank you for joining us. I appreciate it and I am sure young Niall does. Niall, you've got a great support team. Use them" He ruffled Niall's blond hair gently before excusing himself, leaving Liam, Louis and Niall together.

Niall stared out of the plane window as it made the final approach to Dublin Airport. He was in desperate need of time away from London, the rush and buzz of the big city. He wanted the peace and quiet of Mullingar, where he could just be Niall , not Niall Horan , one 4th of One Direction. He had a lot of thinking to do. And right now he didn't have a clue what to do.

 

"Niall, over here" Chris Gallagher called out to his young stepson. Niall walked over and was swiftly engulfed in a welcoming hug. "Come on lad, your Ma is waiting in the car. He grabbed Niall's one small suitcase and headed out of the airport, Niall walking slowly behind. The 87k drive to Mullingar was quiet as every question Maura or Chris had asked Niall , was responded to with one word answers. Maura and Chris exchanged worried glances. They could tell something was seriously wrong yet knew that Niall wasn't going to tell them anything unless he was ready. Niall was always one for keeping his problems hidden and Maura, in particular, knew that trying to force him to confide in someone, would be an impossible task.

 

"We're here" Maura's voice broke into Niall's thoughts. "Are you sure you don't want to stay with us again? Your room is all ready. Niall smiled at his mom and shook his head. "Well. don't forget to come see me soon". Niall assured her he'd be over to visit within the next few days, said goodbye andgot out of the car, walking up the short path to his Da's front door. He adored his Ma but wanted to be with his father . Bobby had the ability to wait in patience until Niall was ready to talk. Niall pulled the key out of his pocket and let himself in to the quiet house.

 

Niall and Bobby spent a sociable evening together, talking randomly of this and that, Niall making Bobby laugh with his tales of funny events that hat happened during the OTRA tour. Bobby was pleased to watch Niall gradually relax the stiff set of his shoulders .Eventually though, Niall fell silent and stared off into space, lost in his own world. Bobby stood up from his chair and went and sat next to his son. "Ni, if and when you want to talk, I'm here". He patted his son's shoulder then left him to his own thoughts. "G'night son" he called over his shoulder .

 

Niall sat there in the dark room until he finally roused himself. Walking through the house, he let himself out of the back door and down to the garage that his Da had converted to a bedroom for him years ago when his constant guitar playing had threatened to annoy the neighbours. His room was has it had always been, the big Irish flag hanging over the bed. Niall collapsed on his bed then pulled out his phone. He wanted to talk to someone but the one person he needed didn't need him. Zayn! Niall felt lost and alone, rejected. Louis is and had been, brilliant but Niall and Zayn had shared similar experiences. It had pulled them together and , ultimately, torn them apart. He scrolled through his contacts. Liam? No. Harry? No . Louis? Maybe? No. Simon? Niall sighed quietly to himself then threw his phone down. Why was the one person he felt could help him, understand his pain, why had that one cut him out of his life. And with no explanation. It hurt. The pain cut deep.

 

Niall grabbed his laptop and powered it up. Louis had said that Zayn had given interviews about his time with One Direction, his reasons for leaving and about how he felt about the boys. Why had nobody told Niall this? Why had they encouraged him to stay off social media. Had they lied to him too? He feverishly searched through Google, pulling up media reports on all Zayn's activities, his interviews , his tweets and Instagram. Niall grew more and more sombre as he read. He wasn't stupid, he knew the media lied and twisted stuff to make a story, but what came out of Zayn's mouth.........". He switched of his laptop and set aside then got up and started pacing about his small room, a swirling mess of remembered conversations and emotions.

 

"Look,Bro. Zayn's been distancing himself from us lately. He's, ah. made it perfectly clear in recent interviews that we, none of us, are in touch. He's said some other stuff too. It's been pretty hurtful, to be honest.Bro, I am sure he still cares about you but he's moved on now" Niall remembered Louis telling him this but Zayn had promised, pinkie promised. Niall's heart hurt even more. Louis had told him they had kept Niall from knowing the truth because he wasn't well enough. Well f.ck that, he knew now and it hurt more. Zayn had promised that he'd be there and he told him that he could always talk to him but he's broken his word. "Nialler, Zayn has his own demons to fight and he needs time" Louis' words echoed in his brain. Niall collapsed back down on the bed holding his head in his hands, elbows braced on his knees. His head felt like it would explode any moment as his stress levels started to rise. Pain shot down from the top of his head, through his torso.."The MS hug" they called it. Hugs were meant to be soothing and loving, this was pure agony. Tears started to leak from Niall's eyes. For f.ck sake, pull yourself together he told himself. Man up. You're acting like a hormonal girl. 

 

F.ck. He told himself as he stood and rummaged in one of the cupboards. Success! He pulled out a half full bottle of vodka, unscrewed the top and took a slug. It burned its way down his throat. He took another, this time it burned in his stomach. He knew he was warned against drinking alcohol, that his stomach couldn't take it, but.......Something else caught his eye and he pulled out the bottle of naproxen that he'd been given for knee pain. It was still half full. He studied it then reached in his suitcase for another bottle....his antidepressants. He had Tylenol as well. He smiled to himself. Why bother to fight demons. He poured them into his small hand and admired the different colors. His life had begun in Mullingar and now he was home…..

Bobby was restless. Finally he got out of bed and stood looking down the garden to the garage bedroom where his youngest son was sleeping. The light was still on so Niall was also having trouble sleeping. Bobby wished that Niall would tell him what was going on in his head but that was Niall. He always played down his own worries without realising that others could see right through him. No use pushing, Bobby reminded himself. But maybe, just maybe, Niall might be ready to talk. He yawned as he stretched his arms over his head, before returning to his bed, having made up his mind he'd talk to Niall in the morning. Turning off his bedside light, he settled back down and was soon asleep.

 

Niall's stomach churned. The alcohol wasn't sitting well and the burning discomfort was almost unbearable. He continued to look at the pills in his hand as he gently rubbed his sore tummy. F.ck.F.ck.F.ck. You're a coward, Horan. Just do it. All you have to do is swallow. He grabbed the bottle of Vodka then brought the pills up to his mouth...............................He screamed, like an animal in pain and threw the pills violently away from him, the vodka bottle following. Standing, he tore out of his room and raced towards the house.

 

"Da?" Bobby woke up groggily to the sound of his youngest son's voice. He sat up hurriedly and switched on the bedside light to see Niall standing in the doorway. "Da?" Niall looked just like he did when he had been tiny and had gone to Bobby for comfort when he had had a bad nightmare. He took in Niall's white face, the smell of alcohol and his heart broke. Whatever had been worrying his son, he was about to find out. He got out of bed and went towards Niall, wrapping an arm around his shaking body. "Come on, let's go downstairs. I'll make hot milk and honey and we'll talk, yeah?". Bobby thought back to the times when Niall was little more than a baby and hot milk and honey had been the way Bobby had helped sooth and relax him after bad dreams or when he was upset or ill. Niall nodded, feeling calmer now he was with his father and they walked down to the kitchen, Bobby keeping a comforting arm around his son. 

 

Bobby carefully poured the hot milk into two mugs and stirred in the honey before placing one of the mugs before Niall as he sat at the kitchen table. Bobby sat opposite him and watched as Niall mindlessly turned the mug around and around, eventually lifting it and taking a sip. 

 

"I've not had this since I was a child" Niall murmured."I'd forgotten what it tasted like".

 

"I always made this for you then, whenever you were upset or had a bad dream. We'd sit and drink and you'd tell me what's on your mind" Bobby remarked quietly as he studied his son. Niall looked so young as he sat there, not like the young man he was really . Bobby could see the hurt and bewilderment in his eyes , so he sat there, quietly, waiting for Niall. Bobby Horan had always been a patient man and knew that, when it came to his youngest, patience was the only way.

 

"Da? M'sorry" Niall broke down, his body shaking with sobs. ""I'm such a f.cking coward. I just wanted out. I had them in my hand ...I nearly did it. I'm so sorry"

 

"Had what in your hand?" Bobby questioned gently trying to keep the fear out of his voice.

 

"Pills, Da and I was drinking..M'sorry…M''' Niall covered his face with his hands.

 

"Niall James Horan, you listen to me" Bobby pulled Niall's hands roughly away from his face."You listen to me, boy and you listen good. You are not a coward. You are stronger than you think" Bobby's voice was flooded with emotion. "Ni, you didn't do it , son. You didn't. You stopped and you came to me.You're still here." Bobby kept holding Niall's hands and looking into eyes that were so like his own. "Niall, I'm proud of you" Bobby smiled at his sons confused expression "You had a choice and you did what was right, even if you don't believe it right now. You'll be fine, son. Now, how about we talk?"

 

Niall started talking, and it was like a volcano erupting, words flying everywhere in a disjointed fashion as Niall's emotions surfaced, full force. With the easy of experienced parenthood, Bobby sifted through everything, mentally sorting it all into the correct compartments as Niall jumped from Zayn's apparent abandonment to the new treatment for his MS to how he felt having the illness, back to Zayn. Bobby felt chills down his spine as Niall talked about wanting to take his own life and how close that tonights battle had been to following through.. All mixed up in swirl of words. Bobby listened patiently until Niall finally drew breath and his talking slowed down. "Da, I'm stumbling through the dark here, and I can't see my way out"

 

"If that's the case son, we'll find you a light. Come on boy, you're exhausted. How about you go get some sleep?"

 

"Da....I don't want to be alone. I'm not that strong" Niall blushed and looked at the floor. 

 

"Come on then Niall. " He walked upstairs with Niall and when Niall had slid into Bobby's bed, Bobby tucked the blankets around him. "Now you're as snug as a bug in a rug" and got a faint smile from Niall as his son remembered Bobby saying that to him when he was younger. Bobby got into bed himself and lay there, staring into the dark as he wanted for his son to finally relax and fall asleep. When Niall's soft snores filled the air, Bobby eased himself out of bed and slipped out of the room, heading for Niall's room. He looked around until he found what he was looking for then carried it back to the house. Bobby crept up into the bedroom and checked Niall was still sleeping . He had a call to make and he didn't want to risk being overheard.

Bobby ended the call then made his way back upstairs. Niall was tossing and turning in his sleep, muttering incoherently . Bobby patted his back, just like he used to when Niall was a little boy. The action seemed to quieten Niall who became still once more, silent again. Bobby rolled his shoulders to release the tension that had built up then settled down next to Niall. He had his own phone in his hands this time., waiting for a promised text. He checked the phone was on silent, then leant back against the headboard and closed his eyes. He was only too wide awake but he always thought better with his eyes closed for some reason. He jumped slightly when the phone vibrated in his hand. He read the incoming text and smiled with relief. The Cavalry was coming.

 

Paul Taylor greeted his secretary cheerily and headed towards his office only to be stopped as she called him back. She handed him his files then said that there had also been an urgent message left overnight on the answering machine for him . She handed him the note , telling him that the caller had asked that he be contacted regardless of the time as it was very important. Paul studied the note intently then asked his secretary to place the call immediately. He stood into his office and moments later his Secretary buzzed him to say she was putting the call through. He picked up the phone on the first ring.

 

"Louis, what can I do for you. You wanted to speak to me urgently? I take it there is a problem? Niall?""

 

"Yeah, Paul, you could say that" Louis said tiredly ." I had Bobby Horan , Niall's dad, ring me a few hours ago. Apparently Niall had another bit of a meltdown and nearly killed himself again.. He got as far as sorting out the pills but didn't take them. Fortunately he thought better of the idea, stopped and went to his dad instead.. From what Bobby said, Niall's in a bit of a state and he doesn't know what to do. He's going to drag him off to his doctor later this morning but is there a way of getting Niall's medical notes to him. Niall hasn't seen his doctor in Mullingar since he was 16. What should we do?" Louis said anxiously.

 

"Right. Even though you are Niall's emergency contact I can't actually discuss this with you as such. Niall's medical notes are already with my father-in-law in Dublin. I sent them there when Niall was last in Ireland. Have you got a pen?" Paul dictated an address and phone number to Louis who was scrabbling around, writing it down. "Niall's doctor should be able to obtain them from him if he requires them. I suggest that Niall isn't left alone until he's seen his doctor. None of Niall's previous attempts to take his life are on the notes, as we promised Niall but we need Niall to confess that he needs help. And that's the hard part. Hopefully his doctor will pick up on Niall's state of mind."

 

"Thanks, I'll pass this on to Bobby. Ni has gotta have help. He can't do this, can he?" Louis spoke wearily.

 

"No, sadly he can't. He needs help and needs it now. One way or another, we'll have to make sure he gets it. The thing is, he can't be forced to accept help unless we are convinced and can prove that he is a risk to himself. Thanks Louis. Please keep me in the loop and if I can help in any way, I will" Paul ended the call then immediately made one of his own to his father-in-law. 

 

Niall woke up late morning and wandered slowly downstairs to the kitchen where Bobby was busy cooking a late breakfast. "Just in time" Bobby said, sliding a full Irish breakfast in front of his son who thanked him quietly. Niall picked up his fork and moved the food around, not taking a bite before pushing it away. "Not hungry?" Bobby said kindly " maybe later, then" and got a small nod of the head from Niall. "Ni, can you go get dressed. We're going out shortly.". 

 

"Where?" Niall asked curiously

 

"You'll see later. Just get dressed" Bobby said firmly . Niall got up slowly and went up to the bathroom to shower before returning to his bedroom to dress, all the time wondering where they were going and why his Dad was being so secretive about it. Down in the kitchen Bobby carefully reread the text Louis had sent him.

 

"Ready?" Bobby asked cheerfully as a fully dressed Niall returned to the kitchen. Bobby bit his lip , looking at how pale and washed out Niall appeared , with big purple splurges under his blue eyes. Eyes that looked dull and lifeless. Here goes nothing, Bobby thought to himself as he pinned a smile back on his face. It wouldn't do for Niall to know he was worried to death. It would only make him clam up again.

 

"Yeah, but where are we going?" Niall wanted to know.

 

"We're going for a short walk. Fresh air will do you good, blow a few cobwebs away. Come on, this way" was all Bobby said as he set off at a brisk pace. Niall had to almost run to keep up with his father.

 

"No. No way!" Niall was almost yelling as soon as he recognised their destination.

 

"Yes. You get yourself in there Niall Horan or you'll get the flat of my hand on that little arse of yours" Bobby Horan's tone made it perfectly clear that he wasn't going to be disobeyed. He opened the door and shoved his son firmly through it. "Niall has an appointment with Doctor O'Brian" he told the pretty receptionist who smiled sweetly at Niall which he returned with a scowl.. "Sorry, he's not a fan of doctors" Bobby was apologetic.

 

"I'm not a fan of being tricked either" Niall growled. He stomped his way over to one of the chairs in the small waiting room and sat down, his arms folded across his chest as he glared at his father. Bobby just smiled back, refusing to allow Niall to pick a fight with him.

"Niall Horan?" Doctor O'Brian called out. Bobby stood up and looked at Niall who continued to sit there, glaring at the floor.

 

"Niall...up..now!" Bobby tone of voice made it clear who was the boss here and Niall reluctantly stood up and walked into the Doctors office,. When his gentle Da used that tone of voice, Niall knew better than to disobey. Bobby followed close behind, shutting the door firmly behind them.

 

"I don't need a chaperone" Niall snapped.

 

"You need your arse whipped" was Bobby's only response. "I'll leave when the doctor here knows what's happening and not before."He closed the door and leant against it, making sure Niall had no way of hightailing it out of the room a moment before he was allowed to leave. Bobby sighed to himself. It was going to be a very difficult appointment.

 

"Hello Niall, it's been a long time since I've seen you. If memory serves correct, at least five years. You've become quite the young man now. Why don't you take a seat and tell me what I can do for you today?" Doctor O'Brian asked pleasantly. He'd had a very brief outline from Bobby , who had called earlier that day, but he wanted to see what Niall had to say for himself. Niall sat there silently, staring at a fixed point somewhere over the doctor's shoulder, not acknowledging him at all. "Bobby, perhaps you'd go over to the pub and get yourself a pint. Niall will come find you there later" The doctor jerked his head meaningfully at Bobby who rapidly agreed and left the two men alone. Niall still making no acknowledgement of the situation in which he found himself.

 

"Niall, it's just you and me, now" Still Niall remained stubbornly silent. "OK then Niall, slip your shoes and shirt off and hop onto the examination couch for me". Niall finally stood up and did what was requested of him, figuring the soon he got this over with, the sooner he could leave. Doctor O'Brian carefully examined his young patient. "You're a bit wheezy Niall, any trouble breathing?" He got a shake of the head. "You may need a stronger prescription for your inhaler and I'd also like to prescribe a preventive one as well for you to take once in the morning and again at night". Niall shrugged this time. The doctor went on to check Niall's blood pressure which he pronounced to be a 'little high there'. "I need to weigh you now." This got a sigh from Niall but he stepped onto the scales. "You're underweight lad, are you eating?" Another shrug."OK , Niall, get dressed again and take a seat. He returned to his desk and waited for Niall to return. Niall sat down again, his gaze stubbornly turned towards the floor.

 

" Your father said you'd had a difficult night" the doctor chose his words carefully but still Niall refused to make eye contact, merely shrugging again. "Niall, your father had Greg drop this off to me this morning." The doctor reached into his desk drawer and pulled out an envelope. He opened it and spilt the contents onto his desk. "Would you like to tell me about it?" Niall finally looked up and blanched at the sight. Blue, white, Brown and yellow pills were scattered across the surface. The same mix that Niall had held in his hand the night before. Niall swallowed convulsively.

 

"I just had a bit of a wobble, that's all" Niall sounded defensive.

 

"And is this the first time you've.ah ..had a 'wobble'? The doctor questioned gently . Niall nodded but still didn't meet the doctors eyes.

 

"Niall, remember when you were ten and decided to try and skip school because you said you were 'sick'? You never could lie, lad. Niall?"

 

"Maybe, I have had a few down times" Niall finally admitted. The doctor mentally breathed a sigh of relief. Finally Niall was beginning to let him in.

 

"Niall, Your father is really concerned about you. You scared him last night" Niall looked down at his feet as he fidgeted with the braclets on his wrist. "He only wants to help you. I want to help you. I think it would really help if you spoke to someone. I know you're not keen bu….."

 

"I'm not crazy" Niall interrupted him. "I don't need help" Niall was yelling now.

 

"Calm down, Niall. No, you're not crazy and that's not why you need help. Niall, you've had a rough ride lately. You're exhausted from constant touring, you've been diagnosed with a serious condition and you are, quite naturally depressed. You are mentally and physically exhausted . Even the strongest person needs support from time to time.There's no shame in admitting that Niall" Doctor O'Brian still spoke gently, sensing that Niall needed delicate handling if he was to be receptive to accepting help." Look, I know just the person to help you. He won't judge you but he will help you put coping strategies in place. He'll be someone you can talk to freely and in utter confidence. It will help you get things back into perspective again" Niall finally looked up at the doctor and studied his face. "Tell you what, Niall" the doctor continued " how about you go and see Mr Hanson. Give it a try?" He waited as Niall considered it before finally nodding his head. "Good lad" The doctor smiled at him. "I'll get it arranged for you."

 

"Here, I've written your prescription for the inhalers and also for a new antidepressant. I'm going to get your dad to take charge of those, OK" The doctor looked meaningfully at Niall who nodded in defeat. He could hardly blame the doctor for being cautious, he'd hardly proved himself trustworthy."Before you go, I want my nurse to get some blood from you." Niall groaned loudly. "Still not a fan of needles, then?" The doctor laughed as Niall gave him a sour look. "Never mind, I have a new nurse, very pretty. She'll take your mind off things". He phoned through to the nurse who appeared a few minutes later, holding a tray with everything she needed to do the blood samples. Niall looked up as she came through the door, his face lighting up in a genuine smile. "Caoimhe!"


	23. Balanced On A Knife's Edge

Niall pulled up in front of a modest home in the Dublin suburbs. He frowned and checked his GPS. This didn't look right but it was the correct address. He got out of his Range Rover, locking it and headed up the wide pathway to the door. His knock was answered by an attractive young woman, a toddler held on her hip. "You must be Mr Gallagher. Donal is expecting you. Come in". She stepped aside to allow Niall to enter into the bright hallways.

 

"Mmmh I'm not Mr Gallagher" he said shyly'

 

"I know dear, but you are when you are here. Come with me. Donal is down in his office . It's at the bottom of the garden. Mind the toys, they're a real trip hazard. I'm Saoirse , by the way" Niall followed her, totally bemused. This definitely was not turning out as he expected. The woman lead the way through French doors and down a path to a large and comfortable looking Summer House. She tapped briefly then went in, Niall following. "Donal, here's Mr Gallagher. I'll be down in a few minutes with tea. You do drink tea?" She looked questioningly at Niall who nodded mutely. She smiled and left as Niall turned his attention to the man sat in the wheelchair before him.

 

"Hello Niall. You look confused. Take a seat. Forgive me for not standing up to greet you but as you can see, I can't. I'm Donal Hanson. Please call me by whatever name makes you more comfortable." He reached out his hand and Niall shook it briefly. " Make yourself at home". Niall found a comfortable looking chair facing Donal and crossed his legs, folding his arms across his chest. Donal smiled to himself on seeing the classic body language, the defensive posture. "Ah, here is Saoirse with the tea." His wife placed the tray on a table between the two men then vanished as silently as she had arrived. Donal immediately poured out two mugs of tea. "Have a cookie. Saoirse is a wonderful baker"

 

I thought that you might feel happier being here rather than at my office. It's away from prying eyes. You are also "Mr Gallagher", again to help protect your anonymity. I know this isn't easy for you, Niall, so I thought we'd spend some time in just getting to know each other. As I said, I'm Donal and you and I already have somethings in common." Niall raised an eyebrow.'We both play guitar and we both have MS. How about you tell me something about yourself.?"

 

"I....look I don't mean to be rude but I really don't want to be here. I can't see the point of having some shrink rummage around inside my head". Niall said hotly, his posture not relaxing an inch." I don't want to waste your time so I'll just leave" Niall stood up.

 

"Niall, firstly, if you want to leave I won't stop you but before you go, perhaps you'll let me explain a few things? Come on, sit down and at least drink your tea and try a cookie. Saoirse will be offended if we don't demolish them.

 

"Let's take your concern about having a shrink rummaging in your head. I'm a Clinical Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist. And I'm not going to rummage in your head as you put it. I'm going to be a listening ear for you. I am not here to make judgements, tell you what you should or shouldn't do or think. I'm just an impartial friend, if you like. Often people sort themselves out just by talking to someone else. It's a way to clear the mind. I know from what Doctor O'Brian has told me, you've had a pretty tough time lately. And remember I also have MS. I remember my own struggles with the diagnosis, the difficultly in coming to terms with it. I confess I had quite a battle to accept it. In fact, despite being a Psychologist myself, I actually went to one as a patient. It helped me move on." Donal smiled across at Niall and was happy to notice a slight relaxation in Niall's tense facial expression. "The life of a pop star seems very glamorous but I'm sure that's a misconception"

 

"Yeah, it's not all beer and skittles. It's being constantly on the move, never being in one place long enough to see more than the stadium and your hotel room. It's grabbing meals when you can, smiling and signing autographs when you are sick and exhausted and doing stuff you don't want to do because Management say you have to do it. The plus side is you get to do all kinds of crazy stuff and we have wonderful fans. Best on the planet" Niall smiled, more to himself.

 

"Not quite the life of riley, then" Donal commented. "Tell me, how are you adapting to life with MS? It's very early days for you, everything is new and not just a little frightening. You must feel confused and frightened. I know I did" 

 

"Yeah, I just want to go back to being normal again" Niall said quietly.

 

"But you are normal Niall. That hasn't changed. You have MS, yes, but you are still normal. What makes you feel otherwise?" Donal probed gently, smiling inwardly when Niall uncrossed his arms and legs and relaxed back into the chair.

 

"Well I can't have a normal life now, can I. No wife and kids. Who'd want to marry me, for a start. Who'd take that burden?"

 

"Niall, is that how you see yourself? As a burden?" Donal questioned

 

"Well, yeah. What if I end up in a wheelchair, useless. I'd.......oh...sorry, sorry. I didn't think" Niall's voice trailed off and he blushed furiously. Donal only laughed.

 

"Niall, would it help you to know that I've been in a wheelchair for ten years now. Saoirse and I married four years ago and you've seen one of my children. MS isn't a death sentence. Yes, it can be hard and it has it's challenges but then life does anyway. We're always going to have to face that curve ball. For you and I, it's MS. For others it may be something else. We can't go through life trying to predict what may or may not happen. Yes, MS isn't pleasant but then neither are a lot of other things. I have a normal life, I just happen to be in a wheelchair. But I'm still normal..and so are you". Donal watched various emotions flash across Niall's face as he digested what he had just been told.

 

Niall, you've come close to ending your own life? Can you tell me why you felt that desperate?"Donal asked quietly. "Is there anything particular that triggered it?"

 

"I just ended up in a dark place. It just seemed like it was the right choice. I didn't want to end up being a wreak. I wanted to remain me and it seemed like the answer. To be honest, it still seems the answer" Niall tried to answer honestly but he struggled to put his thoughts into words. "I can't explain. There was just so much going wrong and it was the only way out".

 

"Do you still feel like that?" Donal asked.

 

"A few nights ago, I'd have said yes but then when it came to actually doing it, I bottled out. I ended up too scared"

 

"And today?"

 

"Niall looked at Donal then looked away. "Maybe, No. No today it looks like the stupid idea it was. I'm just scared tomorrow it will become a brilliant idea again. Donal, I'm scared" Niall admitted.

 

"Being scared is a sign you know it isn't the right choice Niall. It might not seem like it, but not carry through with swallowing those pills, was a right choice. Deep down , you knew it wasn't the answer. Niall, you are feeling low now and I won't say I can wave a magic wand and having everything perfect for you but you have the ability to come through this. You need to talk about those demons, it will remove their power to hurt you. Therapy isn't a quick fix, it's a slow progression , but it does work. How do you feel about continuing with me? Are you willing to give it a try?"

 

"Maybe, ok. I'll give it a go" Niall agreed.

 

"Excellent. Now eat those cookies. Saoirse will be charmed if you do".

 

Niall drove back to Mullingar, his head full of his conversation with Donal. He had agreed to go back again in a few days time. It hadn't been what he had expected. He had actually felt quite at easy with Donal once the initial wariness had worn off and he even ended up laughing a few times as Donal told him some of the funnier experiences he'd had as a result of his MS. And Donal had a wife and family, despite his health problems. Maybe there might be that opportunity for himself. His head buzzing with all his thoughts, he was surprised to find himself pulling up in front of his father's house.

 

Niall sat in his car a few moments then let himself out. He'd barely put the key in the door and let himself in when he was engulfed in a massive bear hug.

 

"Liam!" he yelled with delight "When did you get here? Why are you here?" Liam grinned rather sheepishly as he smiled down at his smaller bandmate.

 

"Long story, young Nialler. Let's just say Louis sent in the Cavalry" He hugged Niall tightly again, smiling as Niall tucked his head into his neck and hugged back.

 

"Li…I'm glad you're here, I need you" Niall whispered into Liam's shoulder.

 

"And I'm here, Ni, as long as you need me. And Louis is just a call away. Don't you dare to ever forget that.

 

"But Zayn promised........." Niall said brokenly And Liam's heart tore just that little bit more.

"You sure, mate? You can always crash in the spare room"Niall said as he led the way into his garage bedroom.

 

"Nah, this is great" Liam frowned as he heard a crunching sound. He looked down and found himself standing on broken glass." Accident ,Ni?" he queried as he bent down to pick up some of the shattered pieces.

 

"I..uhhh..dropped a bottle" NIall mumbled. "I'll just clean it up. I haven't been in here for few days. Been staying in the house with Da."

 

"Dropped?" Liam asked, eyebrows raised…"against a wall, by chance " as he saw the shards of glass stuck in the wall opposite the bed.

 

"Yeah..well..I kinda threw it. when...never mind" Niall rushed to clear everything up, praying Liam wouldn't say anything more. His luck was out.

 

"Meltdown? Want to talk Nialler?" Liam asked carefully.

 

"Nay, done and dusted now. I'm , well, I finally realised I can't do this. I'm giving therapy a try" he admitted. 

 

"That's cool, Ni. I'm proud of you, I know it's not easy for you but you're doing it. Lou and Harry will be pleased. We're been worried about our little leprechaun.." He gave Niall a hug. "Now, how about we hit the town?" Niall collapsed on the bed in helpless laughter as Liam stood looking at him, totally bewildered as to what had suddenly sent the younger man into uncontrollable laughter "What is so funny then, mate?" Liam wanted to know as he watched Niall, curled up on the bed, clutching his sides as tears of laughter poured down his pale cheeks.

 

"Li.....this is Mullingar.....I'm afraid our version of hitting the town is a pint in the local pub" Niall spluttered, trying to catch his breath.

 

 

Liam stayed with Niall for a few weeks and watched as Niall slowly began to gain the weight he needed, his cheeks becoming flushed with faint color. He had even gone with Niall to some of his appointments with Donal and was comforted to see how Niall was growing mentally stronger with every session. That didn't mean Niall had returned to the 'old' carefree Niall of earlier years, but he was definitely moving the right way and it warmed Liam's heart. Niall seemed to have moved on from Zayn's apparent abandonment of him though Liam saw the flash of pain in Niall's eyes every time Zayn was mentioned, and noted the way Niall swiftly changed the subject. Yes, Niall had moved on but the scars were still there. Liam just hoped that nothing would rip them off and let the wounds gape open again.

 

"You absolutely sure you want to do this, Ni. Like really sure?" Liam asked for what must have been the 100th time. "I wish you'd take longer to think about it". Every attempt at trying to reason with Niall was constantly shut down. Niall refused to really take notice of Liam's views on the subject.

 

"Nay, been thinking for weeks, Li. Look, I know what I'm doing" Niall said firmly.'We've discussed this for hours. I know what you all think and I appreciate all the concern but I need to do this. I need to do it for me." Niall was desperate for the boys to understand.

 

"But Ni. I know you do but will you still feel the same when you're stuck in the middle of it. It sounded barbaric. The risks alone......" Liam bit his lip, not wanting to continue. He felt torn. He wanted the best for Niall, all the lads did, but this! He took a deep breath and tried again. " Niall, maybe just give it some more time." He turned his head towards Niall who just smiled back serenely. "Ok, I suppose you know what you're doing" he said glumly.

 

"Fasten your seatbeat, we're about to land" Niall clicked his own seatbelt closed and pulled on his headphones effectively ending the conversation. Liam did his own seatbelt then stared out of the window as the plane slowly descended towards Heathrow. He wasn't happy but what could he do? Niall was stubborn and when he had his heels dug in, nothing would deter him. There was absolutely nothing Liam could do. Niall's mind was made up and that was that.Liam shook his head. All he or the lads could do was support Niall and pick up the pieces afterward….if there were any pieces left to pick up.

 

"Look after yourself, Ni. I mean it" Liam's voice held a pleading tone. "Look, I can cancel and go to the States later. I can stay with you ."

 

"Liam, thanks mate, I appreciate it but I'm a big boy now. Give my love to the lads. Now go, you'll miss your connection. I'll keep in touch." Niall smiled up at Liam who nodded mutely before turning away, following the signage for his onward flight to LAX. Niall kept the smile on his face until Liam had vanished from sight before turning on his heel, and heading out of the airport to the waiting car that was to transport him to to his final destination of the day.

 

"Well Niall, it's looking good? How do you feel generally?" Paul Taylor wanted to know.

 

"Not too bad. The pain gets a bit much sometimes. The MS 'hug' is the worst of it" Niall admitted.

 

"Yes, it's not a pleasant experience. Weight's good" he commented as Niall stepped off the scales. "Right then, get dressed and we'll talk" He walked back to his desk as Niall hurriedly pulled his clothing back on. At least this time he had only had to strip down to his boxers. He hated those gowns with a passion. Niall sat down in the chair opposite the Neurologist and picked at the rips in his jeans.

 

"Nervous, Niall?" Paul asked smiling at him and receiving a blank look in response. "You always pick at your clothing when you're nervous or avoiding something. Care to enlighten me?". He waited patiently as Niall stared at him for a few moments before looking down at his knees and fidgeting with the rips once more. "If you don't tell me, I can't help" he pointed out gently.

 

"This treatment" Niall began hesitantly "I think I want to go ahead but everyone keeps telling me to give it more time, not to rush. But I've given it time. And I've thought about it. It's all I think about" he admitted rather shamefaced.

 

"They have concerns, these people? Is it your family? Your friends?"

 

"The lads, mainly. Liam has been on my back the whole time, saying he and the other lads think I should take more time, not rush. It's driving me crazy. Like, I know they care about me and they don't want me sick but then they seem to try to do everything to make me stay sick. I'm getting confused"

 

"Niall, from what I have seen from those boys, they care about you enormously and are, and have been ,very supportive of you. It's natural for them to act like they are. I don't think they want you to stay sick. Far from it, they want you healthy again. Louis, especially, where it concerns you , is like a Mamma Bear , protecting one of his cubs. I think the other two feel the same." He grinned at the startled expression that his comment about Louis ,had put on Niall's face. "If I were to make a guess at their motives in asking you to hold back on this treatment, I would say it was fear that's driving them" he finished.

 

"Fear?" Niall was sceptical. Why would the boys be frightened?

 

"Yes, fear" Paul confirmed. "They know exactly what you will have to go through if you have this treatment. They know the risks and the possible outcomes. They're frightened . Oh, not for themselves" Paul went on, seeing the expression on Niall's face "they're scared for you".

 

"Me?" Niall sounded a little bewildered now " But that's stupid"

 

"Is it?" Paul wanted to know. "I know you aren't really brothers in the normal sense of things but , to all intents and purposes, that is exactly what you are. You're their brother and they want to make sure you are safe. They don't want to deny you a chance at perfect health but they also don't want to risk what health you do have." He looked at Niall who's head was back down, his hands now actually enlarging one of the rips in his jeans. "Niall, I'm going to suggest that you talk to them again before committing but this time, don't brush them off. Let them tell you what worries them. Really listen to them. And if they have questions, maybe we can set up a conference call. Waiting a few more days isn't going to make a difference.

"Niall Horan seems to have vanished off the face of the earth and One Direction fans are sending social media into meltdown as they ask where the Irish Hottie has gone to ground. There have even been rumours flooding Twitter that the Irish lad has died. Last year, Niall gave an exclusive interview to announce he had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and since then has only been seen rarely although he remained active on Twitter. But for the last three months, Niall has not posted anything and fans are worried. We have reached out to representatives for both Niall and the other three lads, Louis, Harry and Liam but so far they have declined to comment. Liam Payne was very tight lipped when recently asked about his bandmate. While he was happy to answer other questions, he maintained a stoney silence when asked about Niall. Harry and Louis have also been very quiet on the subject of their friend. This alone has fans worrying that all is not well with the Irish member of One Direction. When 'Spotlight on the Stars' has any news , we'll be sure to let all you anxious fans know.

 

Further celebrity news has Justin Beiber…........"

 

The TV was on low and Niall only had half a mind what the presenter was talking about. He was more concerned with trying not to throw up as his stomach tried to eject the few sips of water he had drunk earlier. He grabbed the bowl just in time to catch the vomit that came barrelling out of his mouth. How the f.ck could a mouthful of water cause this amount of sickness.?He finally leant back against his pillows, exhausted. He eventually managed to get enough energy to press his call bell to summon his nurse, who arrived in time to see her patient bent over the bowl yet again. "Anti nausea medication isn't helping much, is it" she said sympathetically. "I'll tell Doctor Peters. We need to find something else for you". She switched out the bowl, giving Niall a clean one. "Think it's stopped for now?" Niall nodded weakly and she slowly lowered his bed down, taking away a few of the pillows that had been supporting him."Try and sleep now, you need to rest" Niall obediently closed his eyes and listened to the small sounds of his nurse moving around him, adjusting the IV sending needed fluids into his increasingly frail body. He jumped slightly as she slid the thermometer into his ear, waiting for the beep. "You've a fever my boy. I'll be back in a few minutes" Niall kept his eyes closed as he heard the door shut behind her. Exhaustion finally took over and he fell into a restless sleep as machines clicked and bleeped around him.

 

Dr Peters finished examining Niall, increasingly concerned that the young man was not very responsive. All his vitals showed signs that his body was under extreme stress and was not coping with the treatment. Things were not going well for his patient, although on the plus side, this was the final round of chemotherapy. Even so, Niall was not in a good place and he was increasingly aware that Niall just didn't have the strength to fight if anything else went wrong. Shaking his head, he left the nurse to care for Niall as he left to call Niall's Neurologist.

 

Niall was vaguely aware of his bed moving and blearily opened his eyes, watching lights pass over his head. Although he struggled to stay awake, his weakened state was against him and he drifted back down into the dark place that had become his world, only surfacing for a few minutes at a time. When he next opened his eyes, he was in a different room, more machines seemed to be surrounding him and a gowned and masked nurse was moving around him, adjusting wires and altering dials on the machines. All he could see of her face were her grey eyes. She was speaking softly to him but he couldn't concentrate on what she was saying, he felt too ill . He felt himself slipping away in darkness yet again.

 

"St Vincent's Private Hospital. How may I help you"

 

"Yeah, I'm enquiring after my friend, Niall Horan? I was wondering how he was doing" Louis asked.

 

"Mr Horan is as well as can be expected" was the brief response.

 

"Just what does that f.cking mean?" Louis said, annoyed. Why was he getting such a stupid answer? 

 

"I'm sorry Sir, I can only give information to Mr Horan's next of kin or other designated persons.. May I suggest you contact them?" The voice remained pleasant, only too used to people getting upset when their enquiries were not met with the answers they hoped for.

 

"Yeah, OK. Can you tell him that Louis Tomlinson and Liam Payne send their love. Can you at least do that?" Louis requested.

 

"Sir? Did you say Louis Tomlinson? Would that be you, Sir?" the voice was immediately brisk and businesslike .

 

"Yeah, I'm Louis."

 

"Sir, we have you as Mr Horan's emergency contact. We've been trying to contact you but unfortunately it appears that your number had altered" . Louis groaned to himself. 'Fool' , he chided himself. He'd had to change his contact number due to a security leak. He'd forgotten to tell the hospital.F.ck.

 

"What's wrong, is Niall OK?" Louis became frantic. Why had they been trying to get him?

 

"Sir, I'm afraid that Mr Horan is very poorly and his condition is giving grave concern. He was moved to ICU this morning and is now being monitored constantly. Unfortunately the aggressive Chemotherapy treatment he had been receiving has taken a severe toll on his body."

 

"I'm coming" was Louis' instant response." I'm getting out from here as soon as I can get a flight". Louis ended the call shortly after that and was immediately on the phone to update Liam and Harry. There was an unspoken desire for all three men to get to Niall's side as soon as humanly possible. Liam wasn't prepared to wait for a commercial flight and, after a few phone calls, had arranged a private jet to return them to the UK. THe entire flight was strained with none of the boys talking, each was lost in their own private hell as they worried about Niall.

 

"Why can't we go in?" Harry asked fractiously " We need to see him"

 

"Sir, calm down. You'll be allowed to see him shortly but as he is now very weak, we can't let you in unless you are all perfectly well yourselves . You'll also have to be gowned and masked. Niall has nothing left in him to fight even the mildest infection. Now please, come this way" . The nurse led the boys to a small room where she checked their temperatures and took throat and nose swabs. She told the boys that it would be about an hour before the results were back so they were welcome to sit in the waiting room until called for. The three young men felt very dispirited as the grudgingly obeyed.

 

"Gentlemen, your test results are back and as none of you seem to be harbouring any illness, you'll be allowed into the Isolation Unit. If you'd follow me please?" They stood and followed the nurse into a small room where she showed them how to wash their hands thoroughly before helping them dress in gowns, hats and masks, finally helping them into surgical gloves. "You'll be rather hot, I'm afraid , but it is necessary. You'll find Niall's nurse will be with him continuously so don't be alarmed. I'm afraid Niall is rather out of it at the moment. He has brief moments of wakefulness but that's about it. Please talk to him, however, he can probably hear you even if he doesn't respond. Ready?,Follow me. please."

 

"Hey Nialler, it's us. How are you doing mate?" Liam looked down at Niall and choked back a sob on seeing how frail, how very ill Niall looked. A complete contrast to his last image of Niall. His cheekbones looked razor sharp, he looked like bone covered with skin. His skin was almost translucent where it wasn't covered in large, purple and black bruises and he had so many wires and tubes connected to his body. Harry made a gagging sound and raced from the room. Liam looked up at Louis who nodded, stepping forward to gently take Niall's tiny hand in his equally small one. Liam took another brief look at Niall and went to help Harry. He found his curly haired friend had slid down the wall he had been leaning against, to come to rest in a heap on the floor. Harry pressed his hand over his mouth, desperate to stop himself from throwing up. A nurse, alerted by the gagging sounds appeared, and with Liam's help, took Harry back to the room where they had got changed earlier. She gently helped him out of the surgical clothing and spoke soothingly to him. " I know, it must be a shock to see your friend like that" she sympathised.

 

"He's not going to......die..is he? Harry whispered. Liam felt his heart clutch in his chest as Harry asked the question , voicing his own fears.

 

"Niall is a very sick young man. He'll be looked after to the very best of our abilities" the nurse spoke quietly.That was all she could say. How to you tell patients loved ones that you just didn't know? Niall's life was balanced on a knife edge and it could go either way. "You stay here and I'll bring you some tea. If you feel like you are up to it, you can go back to Niall afterwards.". She gave them both a soft smile and left them."

 

""Come here, Haz" Liam pulled Harry towards him." Ni's a stubborn git. He'll fight"

 

"But what if he can't fight, Li? What if he hasn't got the strength?" a tear slid down Harry's cheek and he dashed it away angrily.

 

"Then we give him ours" was the simple reply


	24. If Wishes Were Horses Then Beggars Would Ride

Louis stood next to Niall's bed, holding his hand tightly in his own. Staring down at his young friend, he couldn't help but wish Niall had never embarked on this experimental treatment. He didn't see how Niall could survive, he closed his eyes, praying to whoever might be listening.' Please, please, please, don't let it end this way' he repeated over and over in his mind. 

 

"Sit down" a voice gentle bade him as the nurse pushed a chair towards him. "You'll be more comfortable." She studied Louis' face before continuing " I know this all looks very scary to you right now but Niall is receiving all the care we can give him. Talk to him, I'm sure he can hear even if he isn't responding". She continued checking the machines surrounding Niall as Louis looked at Niall's pale face with tear filled eyes. 

 

"Hey Ni, it's me, Louis. Please wake up and talk to me. Ni, you have to fight. Don't you dare leave us. Don't you f.cking dare die on me" his words came out sounding choked. Louis felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Liam was now standing beside him. "I'm scared, Li. So scared" and he buried his face in Liam's stomach. Liam wrapped a hand around Louis' neck and the other around his head, held him there as Louis body shook with sobs.

 

The two young men sat with their bedridden bandmate for hours, every now and then talking to him, hoping for some response, watching for some movement but there was none. Harry finally joined them, his normally bright eyes dull above the mask that covered his lower face. He walked up to the bed and , bracing himself, looked at Niall.The sight still gave him a jolt. He carefully reached out his hand and brushed his fingers over and over again ,across Niall's forehead. "Any change?" he asked the others but they both shook their heads sadly. "Please, Ni. Please" he whispered. " Open your eyes, say something, do something ..just don't die". Time dragged on, the boys feeling more helpless with every passing second. How did it all go so wrong?

 

Liam and Harry had left to get some sleep. Harry was close to breaking down and Liam, though reluctant to leave, knew that he also needed to care for Harry. He took his role as Daddy Direction very seriously, pushing back his own needs, to look after the others. He got Harry tucked up in bed then collapsed on the couch, his own eyes closing. Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Louis rested his head on Niall's bed and closed his eyes. Stress and jet lag had taken their toll on him and finally won completely.His eyes fluttered shut and he slid into sleep.The nurse looking after Niall got a spare blanket and wrapped it gently over his sleeping form before turning her attention back to her patient and the machines that were helping her to monitor his condition.

 

Louis felt so relaxed. He was warm and comfortable, the hand brushing through his soft hair was soothing. The rhythmical beeping sound was hypnotic and added to his sense of relaxation. He smiled softly in his sleep, his warm breath tickling the wrist of the hand that slowly brushed over his head. It was so peaceful. Hours slipped past more easily in his dream world. Some lucid part of his mind wished he could stay here forever. Here was safety. Here was peace.

 

Harry and Liam rushed through showering and dressing . Neither of them felt much like eating but both felt a little better after several cups of strong coffee. Perhaps too much coffee Harry thought as he looked down at his shaking hands. He was relieved that Liam was going to be doing the driving. His nerves were so bad, he doubted that he'd be safe. Liam, however, was holding together better, or so it seemed to Harry, though he knew Liam was skilled at covering his true feelings. "Ready?" Liam asked and Harry nodded. "Louis hasn't called us so.................." Liam didn't want to finish the sentence, afraid that if he did, he would somehow jinx themselves and Niall's condition would deteriorate even more. Liam reminded himself that no news was good news, in a way. No news meant that Niall was still with them.

 

Louis stirred slightly as the noise of the nurses shift change penetrated his sleep. He didn't want to wake up so kept his eyes tightly shut. Really, he felt so relaxed. He allowed himself to drift again as the two nurses completed the hand over of their patient. Louis yawned delicately and the soothing sensation of a hand moving over his hair stopped momentarily then slowly resumed. Louis hummed quietly in pleasure, smiling in his sleep.

 

"Bro, wake up" Liam gently shook Louis who groggily raised his head from the bed, frowning as he did.

 

"Mm' up" he responded, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "What time is it?" 

 

"9:30am , mate. The nurse said you looked so peaceful she hadn't the heart to wake you. Here " Liam handed Louis a large cup of coffee that he'd got from Starbucks. Louis accepted it gratefully, mouthing a thanks to Liam then sipping cautiously at the hot liquid. He looked down at Niall who still appeared to be trapped in his own world.

 

"It looks like he's much the same" Harry told him "No better, no worse. I suppose that's good in a way. I dunno" he sounded glum. "The Oncologist is supposed to be in later They plan on going ahead with the Stem Cell Transplant but…I dunno....what if it makes things worse? "

 

"Where is the nurse?" Louis suddenly noticed her absence and broke into Harry's question. "I thought she was supposed to stay in here with Niall? So where has she gone?"

 

"Restroom, maybe?" Liam didn't sound interested.

 

"But last time a nurse left, another came in here and stayed until the other one returned" Louis was confused but Liam just shrugged. Present or absent, the nurses whereabouts didn't appear to concern him.

 

"Odd though, don't you think? I wonder why she left? Louis persisted.

 

"Don't worry about it, Lou.She's probably taking a quick break." Liam was beginning to feel frustrated. What the f.ck did it matter, anyway? Nothing was happening. He sat down next to Niall's bed and hummed 'Little Things' softly. Louis frowned, puzzled but let the subject drop.

 

The door suddenly opened and the nurse entered the room followed by a distinguished looking man who introduced himself at Niall's Oncologist. "Gentlemen, may I ask you to step outside for a time? I need to examine Mr Horan. The boys all nodded and trooped reluctantly from the room, closing the door behind themselves. Dr Peters approached the bed and picked up Niall's small hand. and studied it briefly. He looked at the nurse and nodded "Yes, I believe you are right" He laid the hand gently back onto the bed and pulled his stethoscope out of his pocket.

"Come on, let's get out of these fancy dresses.It makes me feel hot" Harry led the way to to room where they had to gown up before they could visit Niall. . Harry quickly ripped off the face mask and gloves, wiggling his fingers in relief as the cool air hit his hands. Turning, he unfastened the ties at the back of Liam's gown.

 

"Thanks, Hazz" Liam said gratefully "I'll be glad when we don't need to do this every time we see Ni. I mean, I know we have to right now because he's so sick but ..." Liam stopped himself as he noticed something. "Lou? Aren't you suppose to wear those hats over your head. You forgot" Liam's tone was chiding

 

"I am" Louis was indignant and put his hand up to touch his head, his fingers meeting his own soft hair. "I did have one on. I must have played with my hair and pulled it off while I was sleeping" He pulled off his face mask as he spoke.

 

"You look better than you did yesterday" Harry commented. "you needed some decent sleep".

 

"Let's go sit outside Niall's room. Maybe we can catch the doctor and find out how Ni is doing. " Liam opened the door and they all went back to the waiting area, collapsing on the hard plastic seats, their eyes trained on the closed door of Niall's room.

 

Dr Peters straightened up from examining Niall and looked at the nurse who had been assisting him. "I'll order the scans that need to be done then I can consult with Mr Taylor. It really is in God's hands at the moment. He's a fighter though" he looked down at the frail young man in the bed and picked up his small hand again. He smiled slightly as he removed a few strands of brown hair that had got wrapped around Niall's fingers."It's funny how the smallest of things can give you hope, isn't it" he murmured. "Right" he said, suddenly brisk and professional once more " "I'll set things in motion"

 

"Doc?" Louis stood up quickly and walked towards the doctor who had just emerged from Niall's room "How's Ni? Is he going to be OK?"

 

"Mr…ah....?"

 

"Louis. I'm Louis"

 

"Louis, then. The honest answer is that I really don't know. I do know that your friend is a fighter but he's got quite a battle on his hands though. If you asked me that question before I had examined him, I think I would have said his chances were non existent but now…."

 

"Now? What are they now?" Louis spoke anxiously, wanting to know what had turned the tide. The doctor smiled.

 

"Hold out your hand, Louis" Louis frowned but did as he was asked. The doctor carefully held the few strands of hair he had removed from Niall's fingers and dropped them into the palm of Louis outstretched hand. Louis stared blankly at the hair before raising puzzled eyes to the doctor , who smiled gently back at him.

 

"I believe you slept in Niall's room last night?" Louis nodded once "You fell asleep with your head on the bed?" Louis nodded again, even more mystified. "While you were sleeping, I believe Niall was somehow aware of you and reacted to your presence."

 

He stroked my hair!" Louis whisper shouted "I felt someone stroke my hair. But I thought it was a dream" he paused shocked '' it was real!"

 

"Niall is still a very sick young man but he's with us and this shows he's at least partly aware of his surroundings. It's a small sign but it's encouraging. Now, there is absolutely nothing you can do here now. I suggest you all go and get some decent rest. Come back tomorrow"

 

"But…......."

 

"No buts , Louis. You all need rest and you won't be able to see Niall again today. If there is any reason for you to come back, you'll be called. " He patted Louis shoulder and, nodding to the other two young men, left to arrange the scans Niall needed.

 

Paul Taylor and Dr Peters studied the scans carefully, literally going over every square centimetre with a magnifying glass. Paul hummed quietly to himself as checked and rechecked the results. "Thoughts?" he asked his colleague quietly.

 

"The Chemo has done it's job so things are good from that aspect. Our main problem is that because we used such an aggressive approach, the side effects have been extremely hard on his body. He wasn't exactly robust to begin with. There looks like there has been more damage to his stomach due to the severe vomiting. Obviously his white cell count is very low, he's malnourished and dehydrated despite the intravenous feeding and fluids. There are a few bed sores started but the nursing staff are on that already. To be honest,he's not really in the best place right now but he has shown signs of awareness. And he's a fighter, that one ." Dr Peters, sat on the edge of Paul's desk as he spoke.

 

"Suggestions, then" Paul asked as he pushed his chair back and turned to face Dr Peters " Is there a chance?"

 

"Blood transfusions. Those are vital now. That will get the blood count sorted. He's being given oxygen although his chest is still clear. Carry on the intravenous feeding and fluids .Basically, the normal treatment." Dr Peters thought for a moment before continuing. "Paul, I'd like to go straight ahead with the Stem Cell Transplant. Personally, I don't believe waiting any longer is going to be more beneficial to our patient" he looked at Paul .

 

"I'd rather hold out a few days, Steve" Paul was reluctant.

 

"Paul, it's now or never". 

 

"OK, let's go for it" Paul rubbed his fingers between his forehead as he spoke " and pray we've got it right. "

 

"The power of Prayer" Dr Peters thought as he left Paul's office. He grinned to himself when he thought of what he'd found in Niall's hand...... the power of Hair! Just a few strands of hair, just a few strands of hope.

 

It suddenly became all action. Niall had been moved to yet another room, this one was blank, white and very sterile , both in fact and appearance.There was no window to the outside world, just one viewing window into the room itself. Niall was gently placed on a bed that was centred in the middle of the room with various items of medical equipment arranged around it.His body seemed like it had tubes and wires attached to every part of it as various fluids dripped into his body. Niall remained oblivious to everything happening around him, as dials were checked and tubes adjusted.. Eventually the only sounds were the beeping of the heart monitor and the rhythmic click of some of the machines monitoring his various bodily functions.

 

Dr Peters stood and looked in through the viewing window. "Fight, Niall, fight for all your worth" he murmured as he turned away. Now it was up to his young patient and whatever Devine Being held Niall's life in His hands.

Doctor Peters carefully connected the infusion to the port that had been placed in Niall's chest. He checked and double checked that everything was correctly placed before he flicked the control that would allow the infusion to drip slowly into Niall's fragile body. This was it. This was what all Niall's suffering had been for. The chemo had destroyed his immune system and now the stem cell therapy could take place. This was Niall's chance to be free from MS. But first he had to survive. The chemo had all but killed him and nobody knew if he still had the strength to fight for his life. "It's down to you now, Niall" he told his unconscious patient. 

 

The Infusion dripped slowly into Niall's body as he lay there, lost in his own dark world. Louis stared in through the viewing window, not wanting to go into the room so as to protect Niall in his weakened state. The risk of infection was too high and Niall had no reserves left to fight. Louis brushed away some moisture from his cheek. I'm not crying, he tried to convince himself, I'm not crying. He stood there a few minutes longer then turned and walked slowly away. He needed to be alone, to find a place where he could think. Pulling his hoodie over his head, he slipped out of the hospital and wandered aimlessly until he came to a small park. He sat on a bench and closed his eyes, remembering his conversation with Niall. He wished with all his heart he'd managed to stop Niall but he was so stubborn. So stubborn. Louis felt his fists clench in anger. It wasn't fair. Why did Niall have to endure this. His mind went over and over their last conversation.

 

"But Niall, what about the risks? Have you really thought about this?

 

"Louis, for the 100th time, it's my only chance. I want to do this. Why are the three of you so hellbent on stopping me? Don't you give a f.ck about me and what I want?"

 

"Ni, it's not like that. We don't want you to be sick but the cure sounds worse. What if you die?" 

 

"What if I die without it? What if I end up a wreck in a wheelchair unable to wash or feed myself.What if I'm trapped in my body? What about that?" Niall had screamed at him, banging his fist down on the table. Louis winced at the memory.

 

"Ni, please' Just give it more time....please..I'm begging you" Louis had begged him but Niall refused to listen, refused to discuss it any further. He stood up and stormed out of the room leaving Louis staring after him. And every text and call Louis had tried to make had been ignored or rejected. Harry and Liam had tried but they too had been spurned. Niall thought they were all against him when all they wanted to do was protect their little leprechaun. And now? Now it was too late. Niall was fighting for his life thinking the boys didn't care . What if he dies? What if we can't tell him how we feel? How I feel? Louis tipped his head back and looked skyward, swallowing down the tears. Strong, he had to stay strong. He stood up and walked slowly back to the hospital, head and shoulders bowed. "But he stroked my hair...did he know it was me. I wish, I just wish ......" But what was it his Granny was always saying ..'If wishes were horses then beggars would ride'.

 

When Louis got back to the hospital, he resumed his position in front to the viewing window of Niall's room, staring at the small body of his bandmate. Was Niall really that tiny? He looked so fragile, like he would break apart if anyone touched him or even breathed over him. "Please Ni, please" the words going round and around his head in a never ending cycle. He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder and he turned to see Niall's Neurologist standing next to him.

 

"Go home, Louis. You can't help him and you certainly aren't helping yourself" Paul said gently.

 

"I can't go, what if he dies? You don't understand. We had a fight about him having this treatment, a bad fight and he's not spoken to me since. What if he dies and I never get to tell him , to apologise" Louis couldn't hold back his emotions any longer and collapsed against Paul.

 

"Louis, come with me" And with a guiding hand around the younger man's shoulders, Paul led the way to his office. "Come on" He pushed Louis to lay down on the examination couch and covered him with a blanket. "Just stay there and try and relax. I'll be back in a moment" He patted Louis' shoulder and left the room. Louis was unable to control the tears pouring down his face, they came faster than he could wipe them away until he finally gave up and made no further attempt to stem the flood. His chest felt tight and he struggled to breath. Then the panic set in and he felt like he was suffocating.

 

"Shhhh, Shhhh." Paul sat Louis up and placed a paper bag over his mouth and nose " You're Ok, you're fine. Just try and take deep breaths for me. You're hyperventilating here" He kept the bag over Louis' face until his breathing finally slowed down, his breath just hitching every now and then. "That was quite a panic attack you had there". Paul propped some pillows behind Louis to support him then fastened an oxygen mask over his face. "Take some deep breaths for me. Slowly in and slowly out". After a few minutes he removed the mask and studied Louis carefully. "Better?" he asked and Louis nodded.

 

"Sorry" Louis mumbled.

 

"Don't be. You have been under a lot of stress. Here" he passed Louis a mug of tea. "it's sweet but I want you to drink it even if you don't normally take sugar" Louis tasted it and shuddered but did as he was told. "Now , if you feel up to it, I'll take you to visit Niall. Talk to him, it will help you"

 

Paul helped Louis gown up then escorted him to Niall's room. "Go on, Louis, talk to him"

 

"But he can't hear me" 

 

"We don't know that. Go on, in you go" he placed a hand in the small of Louis' back and pushed him gently through the door. Louis walked slowly to the bed and picked up Niall's small hand in his equally small one. Louis took a deep breath…

 

"Ni, I don't know if you can hear me but I hope you can. I'm so , so sorry. I wasn't trying to stop you having this treatment but I was scared Ni. We all were. We couldn't bear the thought of you suffering so much. I know how much you wanted this treatment , to be well again. F.ck, we wanted you well again, too. But not at this cost. Ni, I'm so afraid you're going to die and you'll die never speaking to me again. I don't want you to die hating me or the other lads. I promised you that I'd always be here for you, Ni. And I want you to know I'm keeping that promise. I know I've let you down but please, Ni, please..........." Louis' voice had faded to almost as whisper. He raised Niall's hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss on it before laying it back down on the bed. Feeling like all the sunshine had been sucked from the world, Louis slowly left.


	25. He's 22, I Just Want him to Make 23

Lou, is that you?" Liam looked towards the sound of the front door slamming shut, frowning.

 

"Yeah" Louis confirmed as he entered the living room. He kept his head down, embarrassed that his eyes were puffy and red from crying so much. Liam's frown deepened and he put his fingers under Louis' chin, lifting his head so he could look into his face.

 

"Oh, Bro" he said sympathetically. "Want to talk?" Louis just shrugged and sat down on the couch, leaning his head back and squeezing his eyes shut. Liam sat beside him and patted his thigh. "Lou, I can see you are upset. Don't shut me out". Louis remained silent and Liam thought he wasn't going to answer but eventually Louis spoke, his voice so quiet that Liam had to strain to hear.

 

"I just panicked. I think Ni is going to die and he's mad at us and I just wanted him to know I'm sorry for being such a f.cking.sh*t. Li, I don't want him to die" Louis turned to look at Liam, his expression bleak.

 

"Lou, we all want the best for Ni. We got scared. Ni understands. Deep down, he understands" Liam said trying to comfort his friend.

 

"Li, what if he dies? We…I..have to live with him dying thinks we didn't want to support him with this treatment."

 

"He's NOT.GOING.TO.DIE" Liam shouted , punctuating every word. "Don't say that" he continued harshly, the tight control he had had on his emotions finally giving way. "He can't , he mustn't" Liam stormed from the room and Louis heard as he crashed his way up the stairs, slamming his bedroom door loudly. Louis sighed and curled up in a tight ball on the couch, relieving the fight the four boys had had about Niall's treatment until, emotionally drained, he tangled his small fingers in his hair and replicated the soothing feeling of Niall stroking his hair. He slept.

 

Niall had called them all together after his appointment with Paul Taylor. Paul had suggested that Niall try to explain his reasons for wanting this treatment and to answer the boys questions. It hadn't gone well. The other boys were too worried about the treatment and Niall hadn't managed to convince them he knew what he was doing. It had ended up with them all having an enormous fight with Niall storming off when Louis was begging him to think again. Niall hadn't spoken to the boys since that fight , and Niall had gone through the chemotherapy stage of his treatment refusing to allow the boys to visit. He ignored calls and texts. He was too hurt. The boys were hurt too ,but they couldn't stay away . It was only when the hospital had managed to contact Louis again that they found out just how near death Niall was . They couldn't be kept away after that. But Niall didn't know they were there. He didn't know how heartbroken and scared they were. Niall was in a place where they couldn't reach him. And now, what if he died, not knowing how much they loved and cared for him?

 

"Damn" the nurse said under her breath. She carefully rolled Niall more onto his side and propped him up with pillows to stop him rolling back onto his back. She cast an expert eye over the wires and tubes to make sure none had become detached by her changing Niall's position. Even with all the care they had taken, the bed sores Niall had developed looked like they had become infected. The nurse immediately left the room to summon Doctor Peters. What was easily dealt with when a patient had a good immune system , for Niall had become something extremely dangerous.

 

"Yes, you are right. They are infected. I'll prescribe some antibiotics. We need to get that started quickly. We don't have time to waste" The doctor quickly wrote out his instructions which the nurse was swift to follow. Doctor Peters closed his eyes briefly then opened them again. This was not going well. Everything that could go wrong seemed to be happening. He looked down at his patient, so frail. "Fight, Niall"

 

The corridor lights had been dimmed as were the lights in Niall's room. Louis was sat in a chair close to Niall's bed, knees drawn up, arms wrapped around his legs and his forehead resting on his knees. He wasn't asleep but neither was he awake. He'd gone to some twilight place in his mind where he floated through his memories. X-Factor, touring, Niall's face laughing as fooled with his bandmates. Zayn. Niall playing his guitar. Forcing Niall to vomit up the alcohol and pills, their fight. Memories that flowed around him, some that soothed, some that hurt.Louis suddenly stood up and began to pace the room. How much more could he take? How much more could Niall take? He sat back down and possessed himself of Niall's hand, drawing patterns on the back on it with his thumb. "Ni, you can't die on me" he whispered.

 

Preston looked completely out of place wearing the surgical gown, cap and mask as he entered Niall's room. He looked down at Niall, shocked at the sight then reached out and marked a cross on Niall's hot forehead, lips moving in a silent prayer. Then he scooped Louis up and walked from the room, taking him down to a room on a lower floor. A waiting nurse soon had Louis out of his clothing and tucked into the bed. Louis didn't even stir. "He'll go mad when he wakes up" Preston commented.

 

"Yeah, well, better that than letting this continue. He hasn't eaten for days, even getting him to drink has become a nightmare. None of us feel great but Louis is falling apart. It's bad enough with Ni. Will you stay with him?" Preston nodded assent and Harry gave him a grateful look. "I'll go be with Ni for a bit. Thanks Preston" Harry gave Louis a brief glance then left the room , to take his turn to sit with Niall.

 

"Hey Li, when did you get here?" Harry wanted to know as he entered Niall's room to see Liam already sitting there.

 

"About 20 minutes ago. Louis OK?" Liam asked anxiously.

 

"He's still asleep. He didn't even wake up when he was undressed. He'll kill us when he does"

 

"Better that than him killing himself through neglect, which he would have done if we hadn't stepped in. He's a mess. We all had that fight with Ni, but Louis seems to think he's responsible for everything. We're all to blame" Liam sounded bitter.

 

The two young men held a desultory conversation then it fell silent.

 

'Cough. Cough.'

 

"You getting a cold, Hazza?You shouldn't be here if you are" Liam chided, looking at Harry

 

"I'm not. I thought you were coughing". They both turned to the bed as Niall coughed again. Several machines began to bleep and the heart monitor sped up to what seemed like one long continuous beep. Nurses rushed into the room and Liam and Harry were roughly shoved out, the door closing behind them. They clutched each other in terror as more medical staff arrived. Pure terror surged through their veins.

Eventually the fuss seemed to die down. Harry got up to the viewing window and peered in, there still seemed several people around Niall's bed, blocking his view. He hissed in frustration. A nurse turned and saw him looking in at them. She gave Harry an apologetic smile and seemed to press something near the window which then went dark. Harry groaned and went back to Liam. "I wish someone would tell us what's happening. This is killing me". Liam just nodded.

 

"Excuse me, Sir" A nurse stood in front of them. "Could one of you come with me. We're having a little trouble with Mr Tomlinson" . 

 

"I'll go, you stay here Haz. Text me when you know something, OK?" Liam stood up and Harry nodded, turning his attention back to Niall's room.

 

"Same, Li" he murmured as Liam followed the nurse .

 

"F.ck you. Let me go, you F.cker". Liam could hear Louis' voice rising , accompanied by sounds of a struggle. He increased his pace until he reached the room where Louis was being looked after. Louis was being pinned down on the bed by a sweating Preston who was using all his considerable strength to control the writhing young man . Louis was so very much smaller but his anger and frustration was fuelling his fighting and even Preston was starting to struggle. Moments later, however, Louis' energy finally drained away and he collapsed back on the bed. Preston continued to hold him until he was sure Louis had fought his way to an absolute standstill before standing back. He stayed close, not sure what what Louis was likely to do next. Better to be prepared, he thought.

 

Louis lay there, trying to get his breath back. He was beyond exhausted from his fight with Preston. His tiny frame was no match for the big, burly bodyguard. He'd woken up and found himself in a hospital bed with no memory of how he'd got there. His last conscious memory was of being with Niall. So how the hell had he got here? And more to the point, why?" He'd pushed himself up and that was when he saw Preston. Why was he here? Louis had wanted answers and he wanted them immediately. He was stoney faced as Preston had explained that Louis was actually a patient himself. The explanation hadn't been well received and Louis had lost it. Preston had stepped in to try and get him to calm down but Louis' struggles had escalated. 

 

"Lou?" Liam spoke tentatively . "you ok?" Louis turned his head to Liam and glared at him but didn't speak. "Come on, Lou, don't do this" Liam pleaded.

 

"WHY?" Louis shouted.

 

"Because you were starving yourself to death, Lou. You've barely eaten or drunk anything since we got back here to the UK.. Isn't it bad enough with Niall so sick without you getting sick too?"

 

"So you think that's a good enough reason to take my freedom from me? I don't choose this, Liam. I'm getting out of here". Louis pushed Liam away then swung his legs over the side of the bed, sliding his feet to the ground. He shut his eyes briefly as a wave of dizziness washed over him. "Where are my f.cking clothes?". Louis started to walk forward then stumbled, Preston quickly catching him under the arms to support him. "Get off me" Louis shrugged away from his hold. "Don't touch me".

 

"Mr Tomlinson, why are you out of bed?" A nurse had entered the room and was glaring at Louis. "Now, get back into bed" she said firmly.

 

"I'm leaving" Louis glared back "Where are my clothes?" The nurse turned and walked out leaving Louis to sigh in relief. Finally! He could get out of here. A few minutes later, the door opened and the nurse had returned. Louis frowned, in her hands were a covered tray, not his clothing. The nurse exchanged glances with Preston who swiftly grabbed Louis and held him firmly as the nurse cleaned Louis' arm and injected the contents of the syringe. He continued to hold Louis until his small struggles had ceased, then he laid him back on the bed.

 

"The doctor had a feeling that this might have been necessary. " she told the assembled men. "I'll come back in a minute and set up an IV, he's very dehydrated . He should sleep for a time and then the doctor will come and speak with him. Hopefully, he'll be more approachable by then". She smiled briefly and left the room.

 

"Preston, I want to go back to Ni. Will you stay here?" Liam asked as he stood looking at Louis whose angry face was now relaxed in sleep. He smoothed Louis' hair out of his eyes as he was speaking.

 

"Yes, no problem. Let me know...you know...what's happening" Preston asked. Liam gave him a half smile and a nod then headed back to the upper floor where his other bandmate was being treated.

 

"Any news?" Liam asked as he flung himself down next to Harry who just shook his head, not speaking. He shut his eyes. What was happening to them? This was meant to be a great break. After years of touring and making albums, this was meant to be a time for them to relax and enjoy themselves. So how had it ended like this? Two bandmates, sick, Zayn no longer part of their brotherhood, totally distancing himself from them, and there was him and Harry ,hanging onto fading hope for Niall. What had gone so wrong?

 

"Don't" Liam mumbled. He didn't want to wake up, he was still tired 'Go away". The hand continued to shake him until he forced his eyes open and looked blearily up at the man who stood over him. "Paul?"

 

"I'm sorry to wake you but you both need to go and get some proper sleep. Your friend is here" Paul indicated Preston who was standing behind Paul.

 

"What about Lou?" Liam instantly registered Paul's presence and remembered Louis.

 

"Still sleeping" Preston said. "I'll drop you off and come straight back. I got Basil with him right now"

 

"Basil's here?" Liam was confused.

 

"Yeah, I kinda let him know about Niall. He wanted to help out. Come on, let's get you home. Harry's already in the van. He didn't even wake up when I took him."

 

"But Niall?" Liam turned to Paul . 

 

"We'll talk later. Please, go get some rest." He walked away leaving Liam to stumble his way out as he followed Preston. Why would nobody give them answers?

 

Paul watched them go before entering the gowning room. Now was not the time to let them know about Niall's latest battle. They were too exhausted. He thoroughly washed before dressing in the surgical scrubs needed to protect Niall , and made his way to Niall's room. Niall had had a very bad twelve hours but he was still with them.........just. They had nearly lost him. Dr Peters had been about to call it when the third attempt at starting Niall's heart had seemed to fail when the beep of the heart monitor had started up once more. It was slow, nearly too slow but it was steady. He looked around as Dr Peters himself came in and stood beside him, both of them looking at their young patient.

 

"He's 22" Dr Peters said "looks more like he's a child, doesn't he?"

 

"I just want him to make it it to 23" Paul returned " but I just don't know. He's nothing left to fight with, has he?.Next time....." he broke off as another machine began to bleep insistently. Immediately everyone was in a state of action. "F.ck!"

Blue eyes, wide with panic, stared at Paul, hands reaching to try and claw at his own throat. The heart monitor beeping rapidly as a small heart sped up in terror.

 

"Shh, you're fine" Paul said soothingly, grabbing the small hands and holding them firmly with his large , warm ones. "You're not suffocating. Big cough for me, right" he smiled reassuringly. "Cough".Niall coughed and the tube from his throat was gently pulled up and out before an oxygen mask was placed over his nose and mouth by Dr Peters..His body then started to relax as he felt air moving into his lungs once more. "It's a scary feeling, I know" Paul spoke soothingly " but you were always able to breath, you just panicked. Try and relax for us".

 

"You've been giving us quite the fright, Niall" Dr Peters spoke next. Niall looked weakly up at him as the rapid beep of the heart monitor gradually slowed back down to a regular rhythm. "Let's see how you are doing." Helped by the nurse, he began to exam his patient. Paul stood to one side, waiting patiently for Dr Peters to finish. Finally the man straightened and thanking the nurse, jerked his head towards the door, Paul following him. Niall's brief minutes of wakefulness had ended and he was once again sleeping as the men left.

"Well?" was Paul's only word. 

 

"We aren't out of the woods. Still too much can go wrong but .............." A big smile crept across Dr Peters face "it looks like he's turned the corner'. A grin lit up Paul's face as well as he listened to his colleague's opinion. It was moments like these that reminded him why he had entered the medical profession. Time, he decided, to go see Louis and maybe make a small difference in that life. Shaking hands with Peters, he walked away to change, whistling tunefully as he went.

 

Louis had woken up and was glaring up at the ceiling. When he had finally emerged from his enforced sleep, he found himself hooked up to a drip and the bed rails up. Preston was nowhere in sight, instead Basil was sitting next to him, nose buried in a newspaper.Louis moved irritably and Basil lowered the paper and smiled at him. "F.ck you" were the first words out of Louis' mouth. Basil grinned, not remotely offended. He was Irish and could cuss with the best of them so Louis' little outburst just rolled off his back. "Seriously, f.ck you. You ganging up on me too? "

 

"Nice seeing you too, Louis" Basil said pleasantly as he folded his paper. "Ganging up on you? What gives you that idea?"

 

"First Liam, then Preston, now you. Why else are you here? F.cking guard dog!" Louis said rudely.

 

"Because you are a silly little boy who doesn't know how to look after himself. If you won't then we will so you can shut that smart little mouth of yours" Basil said sternly. Louis' mouth fell open in shock. He'd had such great banter with Niall's fellow Irishman in the past but Basil had never spoken like that to him ..ever! Louis went red with embarrassment before mumbling out an apology. He put his head back down on the pillows and returned his stare to the ceiling. He shut his eyes as tears of anger and frustration fought to leak out from under his closed lids.

 

"Am I interrupting? " Paul's cultured voice broke the silence.

 

"No, please come in" Basil said pleasantly, shooting a warning glance at Louis. "I don't think we've met before? I'm Basil Whelan, Niall's bodyguard...and friend". The two men shook hands.

 

"Might I speak with Louis alone? Do you mind?'. Basil smiled as he shook his head. He headed for the door saying he'd go get a drink and return later. He gave Louis another warning glance before he closed the door on himself.

 

"Hello Louis, you've been giving the staff a hard time, I hear" Paul's tone was quiet, pleasant, not a hint of the anger Louis was expecting. He opened his eyes and turned to face Paul who had put down one of the bed rails and perched himself on the end of Louis' bed.

 

"I..uhhh...yeah, I guess" Louis mumbled sounding ashamed.

 

"Well, may I suggest you stop doing that and allow them to look after you. After all, Liam and Harry will need your support even more now" Paul stopped speaking momentarily as he studied the nails of his right hand. He waited a beat then continued " Yes, I suspect a recovering Niall is likely to be even more of a handful than you Louis" He met Louis hopefully gaze, smiling at the look of delight and wonder on the young man's face. "He's still very sick, things could still go wrong, but it's looking promising".

 

Louis scooted forward in his bed until he was kneeling up." Tell me?' He pleaded.

 

"Well, after you had been removed from Niall's room and brought down here, Niall went into cardiac arrest" Louis gasped and Paul put a calming hand on his shoulder as he continued speaking. " It was pretty close. They were just about to give up when Niall's heart restarted. He remained stable then had respiratory distress.He regained consciousness, we removed the life support and he's now just on oxygen, breathing on his own. It's early days but we're hopefully. 

 

Now, if I ring your friends with the news they may just panic. Would you like to do the honors?" Paul asked, smiling. Louis grabbed his phone and quickly placed the call.

 

"Lou, mate" Harry mumbled. He'd been dozing on the couch when his phone started to ring.

 

"Hazza, great news" Louis screamed down the phone " It's Ni! Wait, I'll get Paul to tell you!" He handed the phone to Paul and bounced in his place as Paul filled Harry in with the latest update. "Can I go see him?" Louis asked anxiously as soon as Paul had ended the call. "Please?'

 

"I'll do a deal with you, Louis. If you do as the nurses say, I'll let you visit him later"

 

"But I want to go now" Louis whined like a small child.

 

"Later" Paul said firmly, getting up to leave.

 

"Now Mr Tomlinson, time to eat" A nurse came in and placing a tray on the bedside table, swung it over the bed. Louis huffed and folded his arms, ignoring the meal before him.

 

"Louis" Paul said as he stood by the door " No eat, no Niall" He left as Louis glared at his retreating back before reluctantly picking up his fork and scooping up some scrambled eggs, shuddering at the taste.

 

"Do I have to?" Louis said petulantly "I can walk, you know".

 

"Hospital rules" he was firmly told " You go in the wheelchair or you don't go at all" Louis snapped his mouth into a thin line and frowned but allowed himself to be settled into the wheelchair with a blanket tucked over his lap. The male orderly pushed him out into the corridor then headed towards the elevator. Louis fidgeted the whole time, anxious to be with Niall. 

 

"Well done" The nurse smiled sweetly at her patient before putting down the dish of food she had been holding as she carefully spooned jello into her patient's mouth. Niall had managed a few mouthfuls of his first solid food for weeks. Now he just had to keep it down. He felt his tummy roll in protest but so far he only felt faintly nauseous. "You've a visitor coming" she continued as she moved about Niall making sure he was comfortable and supported. A brief check on the bed sores confirmed that they were responding to treatment but she added another pillow to make sure Niall didn't roll back on them. He had been carefully turned from side to side every few hours. This time he was now facing away from the door of his room , his eyes closed, and unable to see who had just entered the room. He didn't recognise the voice of the male orderly speaking to the nurse, as he pushed Louis into the room. 

 

The orderly left and the nurse pushed Louis around to the other side of the bed. "Your visitor is here, Niall" Niall opened his eyes and a small smile lit up his thin, palid face "Lou." His voice sounded rusty from lack of use.

 

"Hey Nialler" Louis said softly as he reached out and took Niall's hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. " I've missed you". Louis' voice hitched then he started sobbing as if his heart was breaking " Ni, M'sorry" was all he could say . The nurse came up quickly and pulled the wheelchair away from the bed , pushing it swiftly out of the room to where the orderly still waited. A quick discussion and he took Louis away, back to his room as the nurse returned to Niall.

 

"He's been really worried about you" she told her patient softly. "He'll come back later. When he's calmer" Niall gave a tiny nod of his head to show he'd heard then he let his eyes shut and he was asleep in moments. The nurse quietly moved around checking Niall's catheter , oxygen flow, blood pressure and temperature before writing up her notes. The room was quiet now, with only the medical equipment to be heard. Things were definitely improving. Her patient was still sick, his hold on life still fragile when even a spoonful of jello was a major success but he was holding on. He was a fighter, this one.


	26. "MY!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate not being able to sleep. At least it means I have already got half my chores done.

Got everything?" Liam wanted to know as he finished stuffing some sweats into a Nike backpack. Louis scanned his hospital room quickly before nodding. "OK, let's go". Liam headed towards the door, Louis trailing behind. "Wanna go see Nialler?" Liam asked Louis who shook his head. "Louis, mate, you can't avoid him. What's the problem?"

 

"I can't Li. Last time I saw him I lost it. I tried to say sorry, fell apart, and ended up being taken from the room. What if he doesn't want to see me?" Louis was sombre.

 

"Mate, he does want to see you. He's been asking when you were going to visit him. He understands you've not been too great yourself but you can't avoid him, mate. " Liam replied equally seriously. "He needs you. Come on, he won't bite"

 

"Drop it, Li" Louis snapped. Liam mentally sighed." Maybe later. Let's get out of here"

 

"You're doing great, Niall" the Physical Therapist encouraged he supported Niall. He had helped Niall sit on the side of the bed then stand. "You'll feel very wobbly but I promise you won't fall". He carefully guided Niall around the bed until they had reached the opposite side. "Right, sit down and I'll help you back into bed".

 

"That was a bit pointless" Niall was puffing slightly. "All I did was get out of one side of the bed, walk round it and get in the other side".

 

"And you're exhausted. Admit it!" the PT laughed at his patient. "Seriously Niall, you've been in bed for some time. It's going to be a slow, steady progress back to normal. You'll be back to playing golf in no time. We'll do it again later today, add a bit more tomorrow. Give those lazy muscles a shake up .And it looks like we finished just in time. You have visitors. See you later." He smiled at Niall as he left.

 

"Li, Lou" Niall grinned at his two bandmates. "Lou, how are you feeling? You OK now?" Niall's eyebrows pulled together slightly as he studied Louis' face, concerned at the withdrawn expression on his features.

 

"Yeah" Louis said quietly then lapsed into silence, leaving Liam and Niall to chat back and forth. Niall exchanged a worried glance with Liam who mouthed 'Later' at Niall.

 

"So...how's it going?" Liam wanted to know trying to maintain an air of normalcy despite the strained atmosphere.

 

"Good. Better. I can eat a little without it coming straight back up and look.." Niall pulled his green beanie off his head showing the starts of a soft down of hair covering his head. He grinned at the other two men.

 

"Ni, it's coming in blond! Would you believe it! You'll save time and money , no more dye needed" Liam said cheerfully making Niall giggle. His laughter abruptly ended as he saw Louis shudder then race from the room. Niall stared after him, looking upset. What was wrong?

 

"I'll be back in a mo" Liam rubbed Niall's thin arm, hating the look of hurt on his bandmates face.

 

Louis was sat on the floor, back against the wall, his head on his knees and his arms wrapped tightly around his legs. Liam quietly sat down beside him, arm flung over his shoulders. He didn't speak, just sat in silence with Louis and waited patiently.

 

"M'sorry" Louis finally mumbled not even raising his head to look at Liam.. "I just can't do this Li. I can't. You talking about hair dye and all I could hear was die. Li, he nearly died and I'd been such a tw*t to him. I didn't give him the support he needed. He hates me".

 

"Lou, he doesn't hate you, mate. But he is hurt. He doesn't understand why you aren't talking to him. You've just run out on him and he doesn't know why. Bro, talk to him. Please?". Louis shook his head ."Come back in?" Liam persisted "He needs you."

 

"No, you go. I'll see you back home". Liam stood and looked down at Louis who didn't speak again. Sighing quietly, Liam returned to Niall, wondering what the h*ll he was supposed to do now.

 

Niall looked up anxiously as Liam came into the room. He peered past him, frowning when he couldn't see Louis. His frown turning to an expression of confusion and hurt as Liam sat down on the foot of his bed. "Li?" he said quietly.

 

"I dunno' Nialler. He's got it into his head that you hate him. He feels bad about the fight we all had over your treatment. When you nearly died, it finished him. He's wracked by guilt Ni, and he won't listen to me or Harry. I don't know what to do, mate". Liam looked sadly at Niall who now looked thoroughly miserable. Niall rolled onto his side, facing away from Liam and curled himself into a little ball. "Hey, Nialler" Liam said softly.

 

"Go away, Liam......................please" was the whispered response. Liam stood up, shoulders slumped and left the room, wondering yet again, how had things gone so badly wrong. What on earth was he supposed to do? He'd always been the one who had sorted out and fixed all the bands problems. He was Daddy Direction. But right now, Liam was at a complete loss.

 

"Very satisfactory, Niall. Very satisfactory" Dr Peters finished examining Niall . "Things are really moving the right way now." Niall nodded glumly in response. "So why the long face? We will be able to move you back to a normal room any day now. You should be happy". Niall shrugged. "Care to enlighten me? What's wrong?" His tone changed from cheerful to compassionate, seeing his patient was genuinely becoming depressed.

 

"It's Louis. He's ignoring me and I don't know why? I don't know what I've done wrong. We disagreed about me having this treatment but that's over and done now. I want him to forgive me for being stubborn and not listening to how he felt but Liam says Lou's feeling guilty. Doesn't he see it doesn't matter? He promised me. He promised…......"

 

"Niall, it's always been my experience people often find it much harder to accept being forgiven that it is to forgive others. Don't give up on him. Now, get some rest. Things will seem less daunting when you're not so tired".

 

"I've had enough, Louis!" Harry put his hands on the sides of the chair, keeping his friend trapped in armchair, his face inches away from Louis' stunned face as he shouted at him . "Just what is eating away at you? Are you angry that Niall almost proved you right by nearly dying or is it because you're too much of a coward to go face him?"

 

"Of course I didn't want him to die. But I told him he might die and that he was being selfish by going ahead with the chemo. And then he nearly did and it would have been my fault" Louis yelled back.

 

"How'd ya work that one out?" Liam wanted to know." How could it have been your fault?"

 

"I…well I...."

 

"Lou, you're the biggest f.cking tw*t out, you know that" Harry spoke more calmly . "Look, we all got mad at Ni. We all wanted the best for him and none of us were happy about what he'd have to go through. But Niall's a big boy. He made his own choice. He's had it rough but he's coming through it. Sending yourself on some massive guilt trip isn't what Niall wants or needs right now. Lou, he needs you. You're the one whose kept him going when others let him down. Niall depends on you. Don't let him down, mate. Just think about it". Harry straightened up and beckoned Liam towards the kitchen. "Let's give him some space to think things through, he whispered.

 

Niall yawned and stretched. He wasn't quite sure at what point he had fallen asleep. He pressed the control on the bed raising the back until he was sitting up when a small sound caught his attention. "Lou?"

 

"Hey Nialler" Louis responded quietly, not quite meeting Niall's gaze. " I..ah..how are you?"

 

"M'good. You?" Niall felt awkward. Just what should he say to Louis. It was obvious the older man felt uncomfortable being there. 

 

"I'm sorry" their two voices said simultaneously and together two wounded souls began to heal.

As Doctor Peters promised, after just a few more days, Niall was finally able to leave the Isolation Unit and be treated in a regular room. Life was far less boring and now he was feeling so much better, he was enjoying having visitors.The downside of being out of danger and slowly getting better, was that Louis had had to return to LA and his baby son, Freddie. He still made sure he phoned Niall daily and skyped with him regularly . Even so, Niall missed him terribly. Their bond had gone from strength to strength since they had resolved their differences and each and every call was greatly anticipated . They had just finished one of those calls when Niall heard a light tap on his door. "Come in" he called out then smiled with delight when he recognised his pretty visitor. "Caoimhe! Come in, what's the craic?"

 

"Niall, it's great to see you. I hope you don't mind but Bobby told Doctor O'Brian you were a patient here. I'm over visiting my parents so I thought you'd not mind me popping in to see you. I see you went ahead with the stem cell transplant. How'd it go?" Caoimhe gave him a soft kiss on the cheek thenpulled a chair close to the bed and sat down looking at Niall appraisingly. "You're looking better than I was expecting" she said candidly.

 

"Well, chemo was h*ll, like you said. I guess not really knowing how bad it was going to get was a mercy. I hope I never experience it again. It was sh*t. I don't know about the results of the SCT. I have to wait another week or so before they can do the scans. But it's great seeing you." Niall beamed at her. They spent the next few minutes discussing the treatment Niall had been undergoing, the problems he'd experienced and his hopes that it was going to ultimately turn out to have been successful. That would make all the problems he had endured, well worth it.

 

"I really can't stay much longer, but I did want to see you" Caoimhe admitted before continuing to chat with Niall about more random things, passing on messages from family and friends back in Mullingar .She seemed to be getting increasingly uneasy and was casting worried glances at the door. Niall wondered if she was just being shy. He hoped that he would just be Niall to her, not Niall of OneDirection. Surely she didn't feel uncomfortable in his presence? After another fifteen minutes Caoimhe stood up and started to say good bye. "Look after yourself, Niall. And be good..no giving your nurses trouble!" she said with mock sternness which earned her a cheeky grin from Niall."I'd better go".

 

"Come back tomorrow. Please?" Niall asked her with a hopeful expression on his face.

 

"I'd love to but I can't" she was regretful but she was already beginning to panic. Her ex -Fiancé , a doctor, was working at this hospital and Caoimhe didn't want to risk bumping into him, or the nurse with whom he had cheated on her. No, that she wanted to avoid him at all costs. "Sorry, Niall, I can't" she sounded regretful and Niall felt so disappointed. He'd loved having her with him. Just hearing the familiar accent of home was relaxing. And add the fact she was an extremely attractive girl,just added to his pleasure.

 

"Then stay a little longer....please?" He copied Liam's puppy dog face and smiled broadly when Caoimhe laughingly agreed and sat back down again. Soon they were chatting back and forth as if they'd know each other forever. Even the small silences felt comfortable.

 

"Good afternoon, Mr Horan" a young doctor entered the room then stopped.."Caoimhe" he said smirking as Caoimhe colored up. Niall looked from face to face. Judging by Caoimhe's expression, she wasn't happy seeing this man. Niall wracked his brains trying to work out why the smile had been wiped so abruptly of Caoimhe's pretty face. Then the penny dropped. This had to be the cad who had cheated on Caoimhe. And the f.cking man had the nerve to smirk down at the poor girl. Niall glared at the man who returned his glare with a sickly smug expression. Niall felt his anger building up inside him. He reached out and took Caoimhe's hand in a comforting grip. It felt icy cold in his own warm hand. He squeezed it very gently then plastered a smile on his face.

 

"You know my girlfriend?" he asked , with a slight emphasis on the 'my' as he spoke to the doctor, doing his best to keep his tone pleasant when what he really wanted to do was to knock that smug look of the doctor's face. He pulled her closer to him as he spoke and inwardly cheered as an uncertain look crossed the doctors face. 

 

"We've.ah..met" the young doctor answered, his smug look having been replaced by one of uncertainty. He had planned to taunt the young woman but was now wary. Niall Horan was one of Paul Taylor's patients and it wouldn't do to upset him in any way. He knew he was fortunate to be employed at this particular hospital and if he wanted to get on, he didn't want to jeopardise his position. If Mr Taylor heard anything adverse about it, it certainly wouldn't do him any favors. He cleared his throat " Mr Taylor asked me to keep an eye on you for him today. He's out of town. I just need to check you over. Caoimhe, if you'd like to leave whilst I examine Mr Horan" He couldn't keep the dismissive tone from his voice and Niall raised his eyebrows on hearing it.

 

"No" Niall said firmly "I'd like her to stay, if you don't mind". Niall tone made it clear that he, Niall, was going to get what he wanted. And he didn't want some arrogant tw*t pushing Caoimhe around. The doctor spared Caoimhe a quick glare but didn't go against his patients request.

 

"As you wish" was the brief reply as the doctor got out his stethoscope. While the doctor was looking down, Niall gave Caoimhe a smile and a wink which she returned with a half smile. It faded quickly but Niall kept hold of her hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb as he smiled encouragingly at her. After a few minutes,the doctor straightened up, the examination over, and scribbled some notes on his clipboard. "Mr Horan, Caoimhe" he said stiffly as he nodded his goodbye.

 

"Bl**dy Ba*ta*d" Niall growled as Caoimhe control broke and she started crying softy. "Come here, girl" He pulled her into his arms and hugged her gently. He didn't try to stem her tears, just kept her in a comforting embrace, his chin resting on her soft hair as he breathed in her flowery perfume. He hated seeing her crying but instinctively knew she needed to let the hurt out. And she felt so right being cuddled in his arms. 

 

Caoimhe's tears finally subsided and she moved away from Niall, blushing a fiery red with embarrassment. "Sorry, sorry" she murmured. "I didn't want to see him. I should never have come. I'm sorry, Niall, I'll go now". She stood up and headed for the door, keeping her face averted from Niall.She rushed from the room, ignoring Niall's pleas for her to stay. He lay back, forehead creased in frustration. F.ck, he suddenly thought. He hoped Caoimhe wasn't annoyed that he had told the doctor she was his girlfriend. He was so mad at the way the man had been smirking at her that he just wanted to wipe the smile of his smug, arrogant face. And claiming she was now his girlfriend just sort of slipped out. He hadn't planned on it hurting Caoimhe. F.ck!

"OK, Niall, you'll need to take everything off and put this gown on for me" Niall eyed the proffered garment the nurse was holding out to him with distaste. He hated the damn things and why did he have to wear it anyway? What was wrong with his flannel bottoms and baggy T. And what about his boxers? He hated the feeling of being so vulnerable. He shook his head and didn't take the folded item . "Niall, please. We don't have time for this" the nurse was exasperated.

 

"Hey Ni, you being difficult?" a cheerful voice said from the door.

 

"Li! Mate, come in and rescue me". Niall begged him. Liam walked in and took the hated gown from the nurse. "I'll get him sorted" he smiled at her. With a relieved look on her face, she hurriedly left the room hoping that Niall's visitor would get her patient to cooperate.

 

"Right Nialler, strip!" Liam said firmly as he pulled Niall's T shirt over his head. "You going to do the rest or are you going to make me do it?" Liam raised an eyebrow at Niall who glowered at him but pulled the gown on before pulling down his PJ bottoms and boxers. Liam tied the tapes at the back for him then said 'cute arse" making Niall turn and punch him on the shoulder. "What's on the agenda for today?" Liam wanted to know when Niall was sat back on his bed.

 

"Not sure about everything but I have to have the scans done. " Niall said quietly. He was getting increasingly nervous as it got nearer and nearer to the time when he'd find out if the SCT had been a success. Part of him wanted to know the results but another part of him, the scared part, wished he could stay ignorant. What if it hadn't been a success? How would he feel about it, especially after everything he had risked in going through the treatment. He started fidgeting with the sheet on his bed, folding it into little pleats which he pulled apart only to start all over again.Part of his mind registered his hands were shaking quite badly.

 

"Ready Sweetheart?" Another nurse had appeared, the usual covered tray in her hands. " I'll just give you your sedative as Mr Taylor wants the scans done first. Pop into bed properly, please" Niall did as he was requested and lent back against the pillows. He looked away from his arm as the nurse cleaned the area then slid the needle in, making Niall flinch slightly. "All done" she announced cheerfully. "We'll just let you get nice and sleepy then you'll be taken down."

 

"Ummmh, could Liam come with me....please?" Niall asked anxiously as he looked from Liam to the nurse.

 

"I'm sorry, no. I know you're very nervous but really, you won't be awake. He can stay until we take you down and he is welcome to wait here for you though it would be better if he came back later this evening."the nurse said kindly but firmly and Niall's face fell with disappointment. He didn't want to admit it but he was scared out of his mind. It wasn't the scan itself, it was the whole thing and what hinged on the results.

 

"I don't think I can do this" Niall said suddenly after a few minutes after the nurse had left them alone . "Li, help me get dressed. I don't want to have the scans done. I just want out of here". Niall pushed the bedcovers aside , swung his legs over the side of the bed and slid his feet down onto the cold floor, wobbling slightly as the sedative was beginning to take effect."I can't stay....." his voice was now sounding panicked . Liam stood swiftly and caught his bandmate as he swayed where he stood. Using his greater strength he quickly lifted Niall back onto the bed and held Niall there as he pressed the nurses call bell. Niall struggling against him but was no match for the bigger man .The combined effects of his recent treatment, and the sedative, had robbed him of all his strength.

 

"Oh dear" the nurse said as she entered the room. She bustled up to the bed and quickly checked her patient over as Liam kept a light hold on him. "What's the problem?" she asked Liam as Niall was gradually slipping into a twilight sleep"

 

"Not sure, to be honest" Liam replied " He said he couldn't do this and had to get out of here then got out of bed. I put him back in then called you."

 

"Poor lamb" the nurse said sympathetically. "He's been through such a lot recently and coped really well. It's probably just too much for him at the moment. He should be relaxed now though. I'll mention this little meltdown to Mr Taylor. It may be that he needs a little extra support for now". A light tap on the door interrupted her and two porters appeared pushing a gurney. They gently transferred Niall on to it from the bed , covering him warmly. "Maybe, you could come down with him" the nurse suggested "just in case". Liam was only too happy to oblige and walked beside the gurney, holding Niall's small hand in his own, much larger one.

 

 

It was late evening and Niall was back in his darkened hospital room, sleeping off the effects of the sedative. The scans had taken more time than originally thought and the nurse had had to increase the sedation as Niall was becoming more and more distressed.Liam was drowsing in a chair next to the bed, shifting uncomfortably from time to time.

 

"Li, Li?" Niall had woken up and called softly to his dozing bandmate".

 

"Mmmmmhh" Liam mumbled, opening his eyes to look across at Niall. He sat up abruptly as he took in Niall's green complexion recognising what was about to happen . He wasn't quick enough and Niall was violently sick over his bedcovers. Liam rang for the nurse who hurried in , taking in the sorry sight at a glance. In seconds , she had a bowl under Niall's chin ready to catch the next wave of sickness.

 

"Finished?" she questioned quietly and Niall nodded, his face pale and covered with a sheen of sweat. The nurse then folded the bedding carefully back. Liam helped Niall out of the bed and into the adjoining bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face as she changed the bedding. "Right, pop back into bed, Niall, and let's get you comfy". she encouraged when the two men returned.

 

"M'sorry" Niall blushed. "I don't know what happened".

 

"I expect it's just the results of a stressful day.Just have a few sips of water and if that stays down, I'll bring you some dry toast. You'll feel as right as rain in no time" She patted his hand then left the two young men alone.

 

"I'm so sick of this being sick" Niall moaned quietly "I just want it all to stop. Li, what if this hasn't worked?"

 

"Ni, mate, you're doing great. Cut yourself some slack here. I know this waiting is getting you down but I'm sure you'll get the answers soon" Liam tried to sound positive but the sight of his pale and wan friend worried him. How would Niall take it ,if after everything he had gone through, everything he had risked, and it turned out to be a failure ? Was Niall mentally stable enough to cope? He sighed internally. He searched his mind for a topic of conversation that would not cause Niall any stress and landed on Louis. " Have you spoken to Lou today?" he asked casually.

 

"He text me to wish me luck and say that he'd Skype with me tomorrow. You going to LA soon?" Niall wanted to know.

 

"Waiting for you, mate. Once you've the all clear to travel, I thought we'd go together. See Harry and Louis. Meet Lou's little lad. Whatya' think?"

 

"I'm up for it" Niall smiled, the first genuine smile of the day and it warmed Liam's heart only for it to sink at Niall's next words. "Zayn is in LA. So do you think.........?" his voice faded away and he looked at Liam , his expression a mix of anxiousness and hope.

 

"Nialler....look...don't get your hopes up, mate. Zayn's doing his own thing. He's moved on. " Liam cringed as he spoke. All that therapy Niall had done with Donal, he thought it had helped and it had but Zayn still had that major hold over Niall's thoughts and Liam didn't understand why. Yes, they had been so close, Zayn had been ultra protective over his younger and smaller bandmate. But that was then. Now? Liam wished he knew.

 

Liam changed the subject hurriedly, hoping to distract Niall from his dangerous train of thought.He randomly started talking about the new tattoos he had just got when there was a light tap on the door and Paul Taylor, Niall's Neurologist came into the room , holding a thick manilla folder in his hands.

 

"Good evening, gentlemen" he said pleasantly. "Niall, I need to talk with you about things. Liam, perhaps you could leave us?" Liam stood to leave but Niall grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "If Niall is happier, you are welcome to stay." Paul smiled as he watched Niall nod and look a little more relaxed though his body was held stiffly, tension in every muscle. "How are you feeling now? Nurse said you were rather ill earlier" Paul enquired and Niall shrugged slightly in reply.

 

"Niall, you'll be having quite a few more tests over the next fews days before we can tell you what we believe is happening. Regretfully several won't be particularly pleasant but must be done. I have studied todays scan results." he held up the manilla folder .

 

"And?...................." Niall's voice was barely above a whisper.


	27. Busted!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The medical information contained in this chapter is fact. The treatment Niall has undergone is still in the trial stages but is showing promise.

Liam and Niall both sat back, giving Paul Taylor their full attention. Paul himself, perched on the end of Niall's bed as he opened the folder he held on his lap then pulled out several sheets of paper. Niall twitched nervously and Liam stood up, sitting right next to Niall, grasping both of the little Irishman's hands in a comforting grip. Niall looked up at him and smiled fleetingly before looking back at Paul.

 

"Niall, I first want to go over what we've done just to make sure you completely have everything straight in your head. As you know this treatment is still completely experimental. Its given us good results in trials but I do have to remind you that there is still so much we don't know.

 

You've come through the chemotherapy that was needed to destroy your immune system. This had to be done as MS causes the immune system to go into attack mode rather than the defence mode that it is its correct function. Once we have rebooted the immune system to its 'default' stage, we then introduced the stem cells that we removed from your body before the chemo was started. With me so far?" Paul looked from Niall to Liam , who both nodded. "Then we have had to wait. Although you were not conscious most of the time due to various problems, you had to be kept in an Isolation Unit as your body literally had no defence system. " Niall nodded, only vaguely remembering the last few days just before he was allowed to return to his current room. He stared at Paul, hardly daring to breath as he waited for the Neurologist to continue.

 

"I've got the results of your scans here" Paul held up the papers then pulled what looked like strange pictures out of the folder. There seemed to be quite a few. " Have a look at these and I'll explain" He laid down a few of the pictures in front of Niall who looked down at them frowning. It looked like nothing on earth he had ever seen and he hadn't a clue what he was looking it. Liam was frowning too, totally out of his depth.

 

"OK, quick recap" Paul said. "MS is an auto-immune disease. In the healthy body a substance, a protein, called myelin , lines the nerve fibres in the body to protect them. When the immune system misfires, shall we say, the myelin becomes inflamed and that starts to damage the nerves.We call it demyelination. When these inflamed nerves linings are in the brain they cause lesions or plaque, if you find that easier to understand?" He looks at the two young men who both nod slowly. "This then damages the central nervous system. Different patients experience different first symptoms. For you, Niall, it affected your optic nerve" Niall's eyebrows creased together as he remembered that somewhat terrifying event.

 

"So what exactly did the chemo do" Liam asked

 

"That killed Niall's immune system and , in doing so, destroyed the plaque covering the nerves endings in his brain and any other part of the body where it had attacked. Look..".He pushed one particular picture towards them. They both studied it carefully.

 

They both studied it carefully.

 

"Wow" Liam breathed. And now? For Niall, I mean?"

 

"Niall's scan showed that the majority of the damage has been destroyed. There is the suggestion of a very minute dot of plaque here" Paul indicated the point with the tip of his pencil. It may be nothing, it may be something. It's impossible to tell. To be honest, as I have said on numerous occasions. There is so much we don't know and may not find out for years."

 

"But this worked?" Niall asked, anxiety lacing his voice.

 

"Niall, as far as we can tell, it appears that it has .

"

"Do I hear a 'but' ? Liam was quick to ask and Paul sighed gently.

 

"You did. We know that the results for this treatment are best in young people, under 35 or so and that are also still in the earliest stages of the disease. However, we don't know if the outcome of treatment is permanent, or if the disease will return. Therefore we have no clue what the outcome is really going to be."

 

"But I don't have MS any more?" Niall looked hopefully at Paul.

 

"Technically, it would appear not Niall. However, you'll be tied to the Neurology Department for life. You'll still need regular scans and check ups.This is still going to be part of your life. And this treatment has also come at a cost. Unfortunately you now have other health issues that are not going to go away and will affect you for the rest of your life" He gave Niall a very serious look before he continued "You've more tests over the next few days then I can give you better answers when we have the results."

 

"Can I leave then? Go home?" Niall wanted to know. He was so done with the hospital. He'd been here for so long and all he could think of was getting away from here.

 

"I don't see why not" Paul smiled at Niall as he stood. "Planning on returning to Ireland?"

 

"Ummmh, no. I was hoping to go to the States with Liam here" Niall said cautiously looking at Paul who was frowning.

 

"Let's get those tests done and we'll talk. I'm not keen on you going so far. I want to make sure the correct medical backup is place". He could see the disappointment on Niall's face."First things first, OK?" Niall slumped back against his pillows and mumbled an 'OK' as Paul said his goodbyes to them.

 

The two men sat in silence before Liam got off the side of Niall's bed and gave him a quick hug. "It's all good, mate" he said encouragingly. "Look, I have to go. I'll call you tomorrow. Need anything before I go?"

 

"Yeah, can you pass me my laptop. I want to email my family. Not up to talking to them right now." Niall was quiet. Liam retrieved the laptop and passed it to Niall before running his hand gently through the fluffy regrowth of hair on Niall's small head. "See ya " he said as he left. Niall powered up his laptop then scrolled through his emails. He quickly typed out an update for Greg, deciding to c.c. to other people as he wasn't feeling like doing any more. He clicked names, going down the list of contacts...Basil, Harry, Louis, Paddy, Preston, Simon,. Two other names caught his eye as he rescanned the list. Oh well, he thought as he clicked on the first of the names.Maybe…he could hope.

Niall clicked 'send' and listened to the 'whoosh' sound effect as his emails went into cyberspace heading into various inboxes. He then turned off his laptop, putting it to one side before curling up on his side. He closed his eyes but he was far from sleep. His mind was like a hamster wheel, thought after thought racing through his head, never stopping. He wished he had answers for everything but no matter how much he tried to make sense of things, the answers and solutions evaded him. Eventually the stress turned a headache into a pounding migraine. He endured it for a while before ringing for his nurse and asking for pain relief . Slowly the medication worked its magic and Niall drifted into dreamless sleep to wake the next morning as pale sunlight filtered around the blinds covering his window. He blinked, eyes adjusting to the light , as a nurse bustled in with his breakfast tray. She arranged it on his bedside table as she told him about the various tests he'd be undergoing later. Niall groaned. It was going to be one long, miserable day.

 

The day of tests was finally coming to a close. Niall just had one more to do and this was the worst one, in his view. His face was brick red with embarrassment. He knew it was important to him, to his future, but it still didn't help. He listened to the male nurse giving him the instructions, his flaming red face buried in his hands. It was a relief when the nurse finally left the room and left him to get on with what was required of him. Wasn't he going to be left with any dignity, he wondered. Eventually he pressed the nurse call button and the male nurse reappeared and collected the sample Niall handed to him. The man smiled reassuringly at Niall. "I know it's not the greatest thing to have to get you to do but the results are important to your future." Niall nodded then looked away, eyes screwed tightly shut. "You'll get the results tomorrow" the nurse continued then hurried out of the room with the sperm sample. Niall could only hope that he'd be one of the lucky few and that the intense chemotherapy had not made him infertile. He'd had sperm frozen before chemo started but........uggh........he didn't want to go there. He shuddered. He needed a distraction. Niall grabbed his phone .

 

Louis and Niall chatted for nearly an hour. Louis was full of beans and soon had Niall laughing with his sassy comments. Louis asked how everything was going and Niall cheerfully brought him up to date, even telling him about the final 'insult' to his dignity. Louis was surprisingly sensitive in his comments which had the effect of making Niall feel less embarrassed about the whole issue. Eventually Louis had to go and after promising to Skype the next day, he ended the call. Niall fidgeted restlessly then decided he'd go for a wander around the hospital. He was so sick of seeing nothing but the four walls of his room , scanners and treatment rooms. Mind made up he quickly dressed more appropriately then headed out, slipping unseen past the nurses station .Finally..freedom!

 

Niall , being Niall, soon ended up down in the hospital cafeteria. It didn't take him long to scan all the available choices and , in a very short space of time, was hidden away in a quiet corner, happily tucking into a roast dinner. He savoured every mouthful. It was so delicious after weeks of crappy hospital food. Catching sight of the time, he reluctantly swallowed the last few mouthfuls and headed back to his room. He was just about to slip quietly into his room when the quiet was broken by a very cross voice" Mr Horan! And where have you been?" Niall pulled a face as he muttered to himself...'busted!' and turned to face a very angry nurse.

 

"I...ah...just...when for a walk" Niall turned his bright blue eyes on the irate nurse as he smiled at her , trying his best to look innocent. She just glared even more at him and ushered him into his room. Niall felt himself wilting under her stern expression and rapidly obeyed her instructions to get himself back into bed. Once he had got himself back on the bed, he found himself having his temperature and blood pressure taken whilst she lectured him about leaving his room without permission.

 

"Your blood pressure is raised and you have a temperature" the nurse announced crossly. "Mr Taylor isn't going to be pleased. Now I'll bring your medication and then you can settle down for the night" She huffed irritably , and stalked out of the room, leaving Niall groaning in frustration. The nurse was back in minutes with a little paper cup filled with the various tablets Niall was required to take. She handed them to Niall and stood over him as he took them. Then she took some of the pillows away before lowering the head of the bed until Niall was almost horizontal. The blinds were then lowered over the window and the lights dimmed. Finally she left with a terse 'Good Night". Niall waited a few moments to check if she was gone before spitting out the tablets he had just pretended to swallow before creeping out of bed and flushing them down the toilet. He knew he was being childish but he was so sick of all the things that went with being sick. He had to get out of here or he'd go mad. He only hoped that Dr Peters and Paul Taylor would agree to discharge him very soon.

 

Niall didn't have a good night. He tossed and turned restlessly though he did his best to pretend he was asleep whenever one of the nurses came to do one of their regular checks on him. He thought he'd got away with it but he hadn't managed to fool the nurses. Even if he had, his pale face and the dark circles under his eyes gave proof of his disturbed night. He picked miserably at his breakfast, eventually giving up all pretence of trying to eat, and pushing the barely touched meal from him. 

 

"Not so hungry?" Niall looked up miserably as Paul Taylor came into his room, the inevitable manilla folder of notes in one of his large hands. Niall gave him a small smile which quickly faded as he shrugged in response before muttering a barely audible 'No.'. Paul frowned to himself. Niall didn't look well, was obviously tired and very dispirited. He could understand. The poor boy had been through the mill lately but he wasn't doing much to help himself. Paul sat down on the end of Niall's bed in his usual, casual manner and studied his patient. "Want to talk?" he asked

 

"I'm just fed up" Niall responded quietly " I'm sick of this place. I want to go home and get on with my life".

 

"Understandable" Paul commented " I'd feel the same way. Let's just have a look at you and we'll see what we can do to get you out of here" He rang for a nurse to assist him before giving Niall a very comprehensive examination. Once he'd finished, he raised the top of Niall's bed so his patient was once again sitting up. " Looking good, Niall" he said encouragingly. "Your test results from yesterday are also positive. You'll be given another blood transfusion today. You'll be given a prescription for medications that you will have to take for some time and instructions for you to follow until you have your follow up appointments. All in all, if you have a good night, I will arrange your discharge for tomorrow. Sound like a plan?" He looked at Niall who had the biggest smile across his face. Paul stood to leave and had just reached the door when Niall hesitantly called after him. He turned and smiled inwardly was he observed the blush that was crossing Niall's face.

 

"Ummm....the test...the... do you have the results?" Niall felt his blush deepen as his embarrassment grew.

Paul smiled to himself as he turned to look at the blushing mess that was Niall. He realised then that he hadn't given Niall the results of 'that' test . He grinned as he looked at Niall, a twinkle in his eye, "Ah yes, Niall. I'd advise using a condom if you don't want to get your girlfriend pregnant" He winked at Niall then left. Niall collapsed back on his pillows, hands over his face as relief washed over him. Wow! Just ….Wow!

 

"This is the last transfusion you should need now, Niall" The nurse adjusted the iV carefully. You'll have a quick blood test tomorrow and then if all is as it should be, we'll be sending you home" Niall grinned happily. Things were getting better and better. The chemo hadn't, by some miracle, made him infertile and he was getting to go home. Finally he was going to be able to have a life with the possible return of the MS now some vague worry that lurked in the shadows. It was light at the end of the tunnel and he was no longer stumbling through the dark.

 

The next morning, following a satisfactory blood test, Niall was busy stuffing his possessions into a backpack when there was a brief knock at the door. He turned and gave a shout of delight as Louis came into the room. "Lou, where did you spring from?" he wanted to know. "I thought you'd be in LA".

 

"Yeah mate, I was, but it's the 'Brits'. Liam and I are going. You able to come?" Louis was keen to know but got a negative shake of the head from Niall.

 

"Na, I have to avoid large groups of people for a while. Just in case. My immune system is still not fully up and running. I'm going home to Ireland for a few weeks then the world is my oyster, as they say" Niall was bouncing with excitement at the thought.

 

"Ready to leave? Got everything?" Louis looked around the room, scanning it for any item Niall might have missed.Niall nodded ' Come on, then" Louis said "Liam's waiting in the car".

 

"But, I thought Basil was......" Niall's voice trailed away and he looked slightly confused.

 

"He was" Louis confirmed "but we wanted to spend some time with you. Lots to catch up on, mate" Louis swung Niall's bag over his shoulder and headed out, waiting patiently as Niall collected his medications , list of follow up appointments and instructions then said goodbye to his nurses. Louis felt a rush of affection for this young Irishman wash over him, so grateful that Niall had come through his ordeal so well. He couldn't bear to think about what life would have been without their crazy little leprechaun in their lives.

 

The three young men spent the rest of the day talking non stop and Niall became more and more relaxed.Harry hadn't been able to join them but he'd phoned and , with the phone on speaker, they had spent over an hour chatting. Eventually Niall started to feel tired, jerking himself awake every time he fell into a doze. Exhaustion finally won and his eyes stayed closed. Liam carefully picked him up and carried him up to the guest room. Niall felt very light in his arms as he still hadn't regained all the weight he'd lost the last few months, and didn't even stir when Liam removed his clothing, leaving him just in his boxers,then pulling the covers over him. He couldn't resist ruffling Niall's hair before leaving him to sleep. He headed back down the stairs to where Louis was pouring them both a couple of beers.

 

"He hasn't mentioned Zayn at all" Louis said quietly "Do you think Zee has contacted him" The old nickname slipped out of Louis' mouth from habit.

 

"Dunno, mate. Zayn did mention in that interview yesterday that he'd had an email from one of us but he said he wasn't going to say from whom. It wasn't from me. Harry said he hadn't emailed Zayn. You didn't, so that just leaves our Nialler" Liam had a very concerned look on his face as he spoke. Zayn had done his best to break the close bond that he'd once had with their little leprechaun and it had devastated Niall. This email could only lead to trouble, in his view." I don't even know if we should mention it to Niall. Maybe sort of ask if he did email Zee?"

 

"Sort of ask?" Louis rolled his eyes " How do you 'sort of ask' mate? And what if Zee has ignored him again? We could stir up all sorts of sh*t. Not sure we should risk it, bro."

 

"I know, I know" Liam rubbed his hand over his face as he spoke, muffling his voice slightly ' but I can't help worrying. He's doing great but what if he gets down again? I just want to make sure he's OK".

 

"We all do, Li, we all do" Louis took a long drink of his beer before he continued . "I know he's a grown man but somehow Ni has never quite managed to lose that innocence about him. We'll figure it out" He finished his beer then yawned and stretched. "I'm turning in, I'm jet lagged. G'night mate" Louis headed up the stairs. Liam called good night after him but stayed on the couch, idly turning the beer glass around and around in his hands. He wanted to protect Niall but had no idea just how he was going to do that.

 

Liam drove Niall to the airport the next morning and stayed with him until his flight to Dublin was called. Niall was glad to be heading home and looking forward to finally being able to spend time with his family. Maybe do a bit of bridge building between him and Greg. His brother had made it clear he felt Niall was ignoring him but it wasn't the truth. Maybe Greg would understand better why Niall had appeared so distant of late. Niall wanted that close bond back again. Heaven knows, so much in his life had been broken lately.

 

"Greg, Da" Niall flung an arm around each man and pulled them into a hug. "It's great to be home" The three men chatted back and forth as Greg drove them towards Mullingar. "Can't wait to see Theo. I'll bet he's grown so much" Niall was excited to see his little nephew . He'd got several gifts tucked away in his bags for him. And if Niall was being completely honest with himself, he also hoped to maybe hear from someone else. He frowned slightly as he thought about it.

 

Niall had been back in Mulligar for a few days before he finally got around to reading all the information that the hospital had provided. He scanned the notes quickly. He groaned quietly to himself. He was supposed to arrange for some blood tests to be done. He hated needles with a passion . Nope, not going there, he thought. I'll leave it, he thought to himself. If he didn't mention it, nobody would know and he could get away with it. Yes, that's exactly what he'd do. Ignore it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In reality, the intense chemo would have have left Niall infertile but, hey, this is fiction and any possible future baby Nialls would be so adorable.


	28. Stubborn' ManChild'

"Mr NIall Horan? This is Marie, Dr O'Brian's receptionist. I'm ringing to remind you that you are now very overdue to have a checkup with the doctor. You also need your follow up blood tests done." Niall pulled a face as he listened to the woman's chirpy voice. D*mn. He'd hoped he had gotten away with it but obviously he hadn't. He had gone with the delaying technique and ignored the fact he was supposed to have made the appointment days ago. He pulled a face and childishly stuck his tongue out at the unseen person on the other end of the phone. "Mr Horan?"

 

"Ummh...yeah...I'm a bit busy right now. Could I call you back to schedule it?" Niall asked, trying his best to sound convincing. There was a slight pause before the Receptionest replied that it would be OK but it needed to be done as a matter of some importance. Niall breathed out a sigh of relief then promised he'd call back, he was just in the middle of something right now..He kept his fingers crossed as that little lie slipped out of his mouth but Marie apparently believed him. He grinned as he terminated the call. He picked up his car keys and headed out, deciding he'd be 'busy' visiting friends.

 

"Marie? Did you manage to get hold of Niall Horan?" Doctor O'Brian asked as he came out of his office holding the folder of notes that Paul Taylor, Niall's Neurologist had sent him.

 

"Yes, I did, Doctor. He was busy when I called so he said he'd ring back later to schedule his appointment" Marie responded. Doctor O'Brian sighed heavily, shaking his head before returning to his office. Once there he picked up his phone and keyed in some numbers, drumming his fingers on his desk as he waited for the call to be connected. His call went straight to voice mail so he had to content himself with leaving a message. A very' to the point 'message. Niall hasn't changed, he thought grimly, he knew the lad hated doctors but now was not the time for him to act up and avoid them. He needed to be monitored.

 

NIall walked slowly into the Doctor's office, a scowl on his face. He had had a very stern lecture from Doctor O'Brian about not attending medical appointments and even his Da had made it clear that Niall had to do what he was told. Niall grumbled to himself that he wasn't a child and wished they would all leave him alone. He had thought once he'd had this treatment , that that would be it. He'd be free of doctors unless it was an emergency. After checking himself in, he plonked down on a chair and waited, fidgeting constantly. "Niall?" Doctor O'Brian appeared in the doorway so Niall reluctantly stood up and preceded him into the examination room, the doctor closing the door firmly behind them. "Take a seat, Niall".

 

"You're a difficult man to track down, Niall" the doctor said pleasantly, ignoring the cross expression on Niall's face. "I'm beginning to think you were avoiding me" Niall looked up at that remark , a guilty expression on his face. Doctor O'Brian laughed. No, Niall hadn't changed since he was a small boy. He'd do anything to avoid his appointments. "I know you're not a big fan of the medical profession but these appointments are necessary and you do need to have them done." He spoke firmly but quietly, his tone sympathetic. "How are you today?"

 

"I was fine until I got here" Niall mumbled crossly making the doctor laugh. "I feel OK so why the big deal, anyway?"

 

"The big deal, Niall, is that you have undergone some very major treatment lately. You nearly died in the process.You appear well at the moment but we need to keep it that way so you are just going to have to suck it up. Now, I'm going to step outside so you can undress...down to the boxers please. Just give me a call when you're ready". He stood up and left the room , leaving Niall to follow his instructions. Niall slowly obeyed then called out he was done, shivering slightly in the cool air of the room. He'd been seen either naked or in his boxers by his bandmates, he didn't even think about it but why, when it was a doctor, did it always make him feel so vulnerable. It was just another aspect he hated.

 

"Still under weight, Niall. Are you eating properly?" Doctor O'Brian asked as he recorded the information.

 

"Yeah, just not too hungry these days. I eat though" Niall spoke dismissively. To him it was no big deal. He ate when he was hungry. Maybe not as much as he used to eat , but hey, if he wasn't hungry then why eat? Did it really matter how much , anyway ?

 

"Any tummy troubles?" Again, a dismissive shrug of the shoulders. Obviously Niall wasn't in a cooperative mood which was going to make his job even harder. "OK, jump up on the couch" Niall obeyed and was soon being poked and prodded about. He answered when spoken to but wasn't volunteering any information which worried the doctor.He tried again . "Niall, I do need you to be honest with me, have you had anything out of the ordinary happen? You feel well?" Again, the shrug.  
,

 

The doctor went to his desk and spent a few minutes writing down his notes then scanning the file that Paul Taylor had sent him. Every time he had tried to examine Niall's stomach, Niall had tensed up making it impossible. The doctor returned to the examination couch and started to talking to Niall to distract him then suddenly palpitated Niall's abdomen making him squeak in pain." So, everything isn't OK then?" he said quietly as Niall colored up with embarrassment. "You and I will be talking, young man. I'm just going to get the nurse to come and take some blood samples. You've also a B12 injection to have and I want a urine sample as well." He buzzed his nurse who entered the room moments later. "I'll leave you with Caoimhe and we'll talk when she's done with you. You can get dressed when she's finished" He walked out leaving Niall and Caoimhe looking at each other, both blushing slightly.

 

"How are you?" they both said in unison then laughed.

 

"I'm good" Caoimhe said "You?"

 

"I'd be better if I wasn't here" Niall acknowledged then decided he'd bite the bullet " Ummh, Caoimhe? You know when I said I was your boyfriend at the hospital? I hope I didn't annoy you?"

 

"No, it was kind of you. That man is a creep. I know you were just saying that to help me out" She smiled at him then continued " let's get this stuff done". Niall sat quietly as she filled several vials of blood, labelling them carefully. "OK, injection now" Niall sat and gazed at her, waiting. "Umm, Niall? It's got to go in your ....ahh.. Turn around, Boxers down" Niall went brick red but did as he was told, telling himself it was only his butt cheek she could see and she'd blanket bathed him at the hospital anyway. He couldn't hold in the 'Oww" as the needle went in, making the nurse laugh. "Big baby" she giggled. 

 

Boxers rapidly pulled up, Niall turned to face Caoimhe. It was now or never. He screwed up his courage. "Ummh, Caoimhe?" She looked up and smiled at him. "When I said I was your boyfriend, actually, I'd like to be" He spoke shyly. "Would you.........mmh......go out with me?"

"Ahem" Doctor O'Brian cleared his throat loudly , halting the conversation between Niall and his nurse. Caoimhe quickly gathered up the vials of blood and the rest of her equipment and ducked out of the room, head bowed. Niall groaned to himself. "Niall, when you're dressed, please come and sit down" the doctor requested, slightly wondering exactly what he had just interrupted.Niall hurriedly dressed, frustrated by the turn of events.

 

"Niall, I want to help you, but you are making my job harder than it needs to be. Your stomach is obviously causing problems so why not be truthful?" Doctor O'Brian raised one eyebrow as he stared into Niall's face. The young man refused to meet his gaze, just sat fiddling with the rips in his jeans. "Niall?". Just that act of fidgeting rang alarm bells as Paul Taylor had commented in his notes that Niall tended to play with his clothing when he was upset or overly embarrassed. Not that Doctor O'Brian needed the addition clues to the mental state of his young patient.

 

"OK, OK" Niall sounded as cross and frustrated as he felt " My stomach hurts, especially after I eat and I feel sick. I'm not all that hungry anyway. And.... umm... I have…......."

 

"Niall, for goodness sake, I'm a doctor. Spit it out ,lad. You can't tell me something I've never heard before"

 

"the 'runs' " Niall murmured. " sometimes".

 

"Are you sticking to the recommended diet?"

 

"Ummh, sometimes." Niall admitted." I don't always take the medication. I don't need it" he added defiantly.

 

"Niall , yes you do need it and food wise, you have to stick to the recommended food intake, until told otherwise. You are supposed to eat small amounts every two to three hours, keep to the recommended foods and absolutely no alcohol. Your stomach is a mess and you're making it worse. You really need to grasp the seriousness of the situation, young man" Doctor O'Brian was exasperated with the young man before him .He understood how limiting things were for Niall at present but the young man himself didn't seem to want to help himself." What am I going to do with you?" he asked, his voice softening.

 

"Sorry, m'sorry. It's just I've had enough. Everyone is telling me what to do, treating me like I'm a child and not a grown man. I'm not even left alone, you're all chasing me for this or that test. Eat this, don't eat that. Sleep now, wake up now. Go there, come here. Talk to this man, do what he says. . I've had it.I've had enough". Niall snapped. Doctor O'Brian sat quietly, letting his young patient vent all his frustrations. He quite understood. Niall had, indeed, been through a lot and had been at the mercy of the medical profession with everything totally beyond his control. This act of rebellion ,and the outburst ,were quite understandable. However, Niall's attitude was not helping him and, as a doctor, O'Brian had to step in, for the sake of his patient.

 

"Niall, I do understand what you are saying and I totally get how it is making you feel but regardless of that, you need to cooperate with us. It's important. I know it's frustrating for you but, given time, you'll be well again and you can put this all behind you." He looked into Niall's downcast face but Niall refused to look up. Doctor O'Brian sighed. Niall had always been a stubborn child and hadn't changed when he reached adulthood. H*ll, in O'Brian's view, he was still that child. He remembered only too well, the small boy with his knee swollen to twice its size, claiming he was fine, it didn't hurt a bit. No, nothing had changed. "I want to see you next week, no excuses. We review how you are then and if there's no improvement, you'll be hospitalised until there is improvement."." Niall stood up , making no comment, and left the room. The doctor looked at the closed door then pressed his intercom " Caoimhe, could you come in a moment, please?"

 

As soon as he got back home, Niall shut his bedroom door and started up his laptop. He just wanted to talk to someone who totally understood him but he doubted that was going to happen. He quickly checked his emails. He'd had replies from everyone he'd emailed a few days ago. Every single person, bar the one person he was desperate to speak with, had responded. Zayn! Well, that's it, he thought. Zayn really meant what he'd said. He was staying out of their lives forever. . He signed out of his account , shoved his laptop away and lay back on his bed. It was still morning but he was feeling exhausted. Probably stress, he hated doctor appointments and he'd been burning the candle at both ends, visiting mates, maybe doing a little of that forbidden drinking. He rubbed his sore tummy softly then closed his eyes. In minutes he was asleep.

 

Niall did his best to follow the instructions for his diet during the following week , eating what foods he should , and at regular intervals. His stomach certainly felt much better. He also took his prescribed medication. This he was more reluctant to do but he didn't fancy another telling off from Doctor O'Brian. He just wished he didn't feel so tired. Maybe a few early nights!.

 

Caoimhe knocked on Doctor O'Brian's door and entered when bid. "These have just come through, Doctor. They're all the blood test results from all of last weeks patients. She handed over the envelope. " Oh. and Marie says your first patient is here" With a smile, Caoimhe let herself out of the room and the doctor put down the test results to study later. First he had to get on with his scheduled day.

 

After taking a sip of a much needed coffee, he pulled the test results towards them scanning them carefully. Ah, Maria O'Flynn would be delighted..pregnant at last. Mrs Keen needs iron, Mr Green..high Cholesterol, Niall Horan..................................." He read the results a second time. Then a third time. He quickly pulled up Niall's notes on the computer and located Paul Taylor's contact details hoping the man would still be at his office.

 

"Paul, It's O'Brian, NIall Horan's GP. I finally got Niall to come in last week. He seemed fine apart from a sore tummy. I did the routine blood tests and I have just got the results in.

 

"And?" Paul asked. This was not sounding good.

 

"Well…….........................................

"His White Blood Cell count has dropped and I can't see an apparent reason for it at the moment. I'm at a bit of a loss, to be honest, so thought it best to speak with you" Doctor O'Brian rubbed his forehead as he spoke. "And comparing his discharge weight with his current weight, there has been a loss. It's only three pounds but given he is so underweight at present, that's also a concern. He wasn't very forthcoming when I spoke with him last week, denied anything was wrong but then I subsequently found he was having stomach problems. He says he hasn't been eating much as he isn't hungry. He also admitted to not taking his medication regularly."

 

"It is certainly a cause for concern. The thing is, it could be anything from a simple virus, to an infection , to problems with the immune system or the stem cell transplant.Impossible to know without further checks.. I think we need to get further investigations under way as quickly as possible." Paul spoke thoughtfully as he mentally reviewed all the things that could possibly be wrong.He was very worried but until they knew the exact cause, the cause remained just speculation. "When do you see him next?"

 

"Tomorrow. I'd arranged the appointment purely as a check on how his stomach was but this changes everything. What would you suggest?" Doctor O'Brian asked the Neurologist.

 

"I need him here, as soon as possible. I don't want to alarm him but I want to re-admit him. He'll not want that but it's the only way we'll be able to make sure he is looked after properly. He's not a good patient. Can I leave that with you? I'll set things in motion here" Paul spoke decisively.

 

"I'll do my best but Niall isn't likely to be co-operative. Thanks , Paul. I'll be in touch."

 

"Look, Niall. It's a precaution. It may be something very simple and hopefully easily put right. But if it is more serious, we need to deal with it as soon as possible." Doctor O'Brian felt his patience being stretched to its limits. Niall was, as predicted, reacting to the news he had to return hospital with his usual stubbornness. "Listen, the sooner you let us sort things out, the sooner you'll be be free of us".

 

"This was supposed to be sorted. This treatment was supposed to be the cure. So why are things going wrong?" Niall tried not to let the fear seep into his voice but could hear the sound of panic as he spoke. He swallowed convulsively ". What if it hasn't worked?" he whispered, almost to himself.

 

"Niall, we need to find out. Ignoring it isn't going to help. I understand you're scared and frustrated but pretending nothing is wrong isn't going to help us help you.We can't force you but we do need you to be sensible." O'Brian sat back in his chair, waiting for Niall to think things through. He let out a sigh of relief when Niall finally spoke.

 

"OK. I'll fly out tomorrow" His voice was very quiet, resigned.

 

"Good lad" the doctor said. "We'll get it sorted, lad" his voice was gentle, his tone positive. Niall stood up to leave but when he reached the door, he turned and looked at the doctor, a bleak expression on his face.

 

"What if you can't?" And with that , he was gone.

 

"Niall?" a soft voice called to him and Niall glanced up to see Caoimhe looking at him. "You OK?" Niall tried to put a smile on his face as he tried to nod 'yes' but ended up biting his quivering lip. " Wait there. I've just finished. Let me get changed and we'll go somewhere and talk. Would that help?" A slight smile flashed across Niall's pale face and he sat down on one of the plastic waiting room chairs. Head bowed, he fidgeted with his fingers whilst he waited for Caoimhe to return. She didn't take long and Niall walked her out, opening the passenger door to his black Range Rover, allowing her to slide in before he got in the drivers side. He gripped the steering wheel then leant forward resting his head against it. Caoimhe rubbed his up and down his back gently , knowing that Niall needed a few minutes to collect himself." Come on, let's find somewhere quiet and we'll talk" she spoke soothingly. Niall sat up and turned the key in the ignition, heading towards the coast and his favorite 'thinking' spot.

 

Holding hands, Caoimhe and Niall stood on the cliff, looking out at the rough sea. THe restless, churning water was a fitting accompaniment for his thoughts. Though he tried to push them aside, what if things had gone wrong and the treatment had failed. What then? Was his life going to be messed up once more? He ran his hand through his fluffy hair. Though still shorter than he normally wore it, it was growing back as thick as it had been before the chemotherapy. And, as Liam had observed, it was growing back more blond than brown.

 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Caoimhe asked, breaking into the prolonged silence.

 

"I'm just, I dunno, fed up. Seems like everything in my life is one giant problem after another. I'm being stupid, I know, but I can't help it. And now Paul Taylor wants me back in hospital. More tests, no control over my life, more poking and prodding. And for what? For them to tell me the treatment failed? Caoimhs, why?" ( Niall uses the nickname Qweevs) instead of the normal Qweevah).

 

"Niall, you don't know it has failed. Even they don't know. It could be anything. You haven't exactly taken the best care of yourself since you were discharged from the hospital. Maybe you just need some extra TCL." A brief smile flitted across Niall's face

 

"And will you give me the TLC?" he cheekily replied, momentarily diverted from his darker thoughts.

 

"Well, there is that possibility" Caoimhe said softly.

 

"Caoimhs...you never answered me, will you be my girlfriend?" Niall was suddenly shy, a wash of pink crossing his face as he looked at her.

 

"Ni...I don't know. I really, really like you but you're a super star and I'm just a nurse. The fans won't like this you know and I don't think I can deal with the hate" She looked down at her feet, not meeting his eyes.

 

"Maybe...we can...be friends, then? And see where it takes us?" Niall sounded defeated. He understood, really he did, but he'd hoped.

 

"Yes, yes we can be friends" and she leant in for a gentle, sweet kiss. It was meant to be just a gentle peck on the lips but she was lost the moment Niall's arms went around her. They broke apart abruptly, both pink cheeked with embarrassment. "Friends" they spoke in unison , little realising that with that one sweet kiss, they had gone beyond that title.

 

Niall was hurrying through the airport the next day, snapback pulled low over his eyes as he attempted to keep a low profile. He had managed to avoid all media attention and nobody had found out about his few months in the hospital. Fans thought he was backpacking with friends. He was happy they thought that but really wished that it was his reality. Instead, he was facing another spell in hospital. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and headed out. A teenage girl hurrying in his direction, accidentally bumped into him and as she apologised she suddenly realised who his was.

 

"NIALL HORAN!" she shrieked and everyone turned to look. Phones were instantly snapping photographs as Niall stood there, shocked. Fans started to converge on him and he felt himself start to panic. Could it get any worse? He suddenly felt as ill as he undoubted looked. He'd tried so hard to stay under the radar . What did he do now? No bodyguard, no immediate way of escaping. People crowded around him and he felt his claustrophobia kicking in.

Everything went black.


	29. Time Is A Funny Thing

Niall blinked at the ceiling, feeling very disorientated. He turned his head to one side and found himself looking at a paramedic who was bent over him, checking his vitals. Niall had been moved to the privacy of the Airport First Aid room where he was able to be cared for out of public view.

 

"Good, you're back with us" the man said, smiling reassuringly at Niall. "How are you feeling?"

 

"Absolutely vile" Niall admitted, closing his eyes against the headache that was increasing in intensity. "I'm not sure exactly what happened" he admitted.

 

"From what we can make out, you had some type of panic attack. I'd like to take you to the hospital to be checked over"

 

"No, no. Please, I don't need to go. " Niall was quick to refuse the offered hospital visit. He just wanted to get home, dump his bags and sleep. He was due to see Paul Taylor the next day, anyway. As the Paramedic moved away, Niall sat up and grabbed his phone to send out a text to his bodyguard, Basil, who had been waiting in a secluded part of the airport car park waiting for Niall to join him so he could transport him home. 

 

"Sir, I really think...." the paramedic tried again. His patient looked terrible and he was concerned for his wellbeing.

 

""Look, I'm fine. I'm seeing my own doctor tomorrow anyway. I'm claustrophobic, that's all. The crowd around me just made me panic. Really, I'm fine" Niall tried to sound confident but the paramedic didn't look convinced. Niall was adamant and the paramedic reluctantly accepted that Niall was not going to allow himself to be sent to the nearest hospital for assessment. He gathered up all his equipment and, after wishing Niall all the best, left the room. Moments later, Basil arrived looking worried. He shook his head as he took in Niall's pale face and fragile looking body. When was that boy ever going to talk proper care of himself ? 

 

Airport staff carefully guided Niall and Basil through staff areas to allow them to leave the airport in complete privacy. Niall was especially glad to be able to avoid any further attention. He was very upset that he hadn't managed to remain under the radar. No doubt the media would be full of todays incident. D*amn! He was so annoyed that he'd beencaught but now the cat was out of the bag. Did he tweet something or try to disappear again? He didn't know what was best.

 

Once they reached his London home, Niall showered then dressed in pajama pants and a large Tshirt. Grabbing himself a bottle of water he collapsed on the couch , next to Basil , who was watching a celebrity gossip show..He settled back to watch with him..

 

"This is Melanie Meirs for "Spotlight on the Stars". It appears that OneD hottie, Niall Horan , has finally been spotted. Niall was seen at Gatwick Airport earlier today. The star apparently suddenly collapsed on his arrival at Gatwick and the paramedics were called.They very quickly whisked him away for treatment but there has been no further news of his condition. Photographs taken at the time, show Niall looking very thin and frail. This is the first sighting of Niall for some time and speculation has been rife that he has been seriously ill. Fans will remember that Niall was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at the end of last year. It is possible that Niall has had a relapse of his illness and his physical appearance seems to support this theory. Social media has gone into meltdown over this latest sighting and #talktousNiall is trending.

 

Fans will be most anxious to know the truth and 'Spotlight on the Stars' has approached representatives for Niall Horan but so far they have made no comment. We'll keep you updated as soon as we have news."

 

Niall switched the TV off .It was still very early but he was exhausted, his stomach hurt and his head was pounding. He felt so vile he told Basil he had decided to head to the hospital straight away, instead of waiting until tomorrow. Basil took one look at his face and went straight upstairs to collect Niall's bag then escorted the young man to the van.Niall's face was grey with exhaustion and he kept flinching in pain . Basil was glad Niall had suggested he get himself admitted earlier. Something definitely wasn't right and the sooner Niall was under medical care, the happier Basil would be.

 

Niall was very quickly assessed on arrival at the private hospital where he had so recently been a patient. In less than an hour he had been thoroughly examined then tucked up in bed. He now lay sleepily staring up at the white ceiling as an iV slowly dripped fluids into him and other machines beeped and clicked around him.Medication had reduced his pain levels to a more bearable level and he was able to doze off, only waking from time to time as the nurses did their checks. Basil sat in a corner, out of the way, keeping an eye on his charge. Hopefully they had managed to arrive unobserved and nobody at the hospital would pass on any information so Niall could be treated in peace.

 

Niall had the most sleep he had had for days and woke up feeling slightly less tense. It was only just past 8am when Paul Taylor appeared, accompanied by another doctor. Niall was again examined and it was decided that ,as his stomach was causing him pain. he would have to endure another endoscopy. Niall was immediately prepared and taken down to the Endoscopy Unit where he underwent the all too familiar examination. Niall didn't even remember having it done this time , he was so out of it, and woke up back in his room, asking the nurse when he was having it done. He was surprised when he was told it was all over and done with and that he'd be told the results fairly soon. He was soon back asleep again.

 

"Mr Horan, Niall" A hand gently shook Niall awake. He rubbed his bleary eyes and tried to focus on who was talking to him. It was the same doctor he'd seen earlier that morning. "How are you feeling?" the doctor asked.

 

"Sore throat" Niall rasped out "an' my stomach hurts" The doctor passed Niall a zippy cup of cool water and let him have a tiny drink before taking it away.

 

"Well you'll be happy to know that we know what the problem is, Niall. And you'll be even happier to know that it isn't an issue with the stem cell transplant. You have a very nasty case of Gastritis."

 

"Gastritis?" Niall queried.

 

"Yes. Your stomach lining is infected.This is due to the very heavy, prolonged vomiting you experienced in the past and also very recently with the Chemotheraphy treatment. Your stomach lining is very badly inflamed . It's why you haven't felt hungry, you've been nauseous, in pain and all the other symptoms you've been experiencing. Now we know the exact cause, we'll treat it"

 

"How?" was Niall's first question.

 

"Antibiotics and diet. I'm afraid we are going to keep you as an inpatient until we have it controlled and also until your weight has reached an acceptable level. You aren't the best at looking after yourself so we'll do it for you. However, after today, you are free to get out of bed and move around within reason. You'll be on a strict diet with six or seven very small meals a day at regular intervals. Fluid intake will also be controlled and the nurses will be making sure your medication is taken properly.You'll also have some proper rest during the day.

 

Now, unless you've any questions?" the doctor raised an eyebrow as he looked at a somewhat crestfallen Niall. The young man shook his head. "Then I'll let you get back to your nap" He shook hands with his young patient and went out, whistling cheerfully. Niall, however, was less than cheerful. He was glad it wasn't as bad as it could have been but he was heartily sick of this place.

 

"Maybe" said Basil, from his seat in the corner "you'll actually start looking after yourself now. Oh, by the way, here's your phone. You've had non stop texts coming in" He handed the phone to Niall who opened the first text, a genuine smile starting to light up his face. Caoimhe!

Louis poked his head around the door and a gentle smile lit up his face as he observed his bandmate. Niall was fully dressed, headphones on, and sprawled across his hospital bed, fast asleep. Louis entered the room and sat down next to his softly snoring friend. He pulled out his phone and played games while he waited for Niall to wake up from his nap. 

 

"Lou?" Niall sounded groggy as he pushed himself into a sitting position "When did you get here?"

 

" 'bout an hour ago mate. You were so busy snoring I didn't have the heart to wake you up."

 

"Thanks, didn't sleep too well last night. Look, can we get out of here? I'm sick of this room".

 

"You can't discharge yourself, Ni. You're still not well enough, mate" Louis spoke firmly. He knew Niall was itching to leave but he still wasn't ready.

 

"No, I know. I'm allowed out of this room, though. I just have to let the nurses know where I am and I can't leave the hospital." Niall sounded disgusted. The 'rules' made him feel like a baby and he hated it.He was desperate to leave the hospital but it had been made very clear to him that it would be unwise until his stomach had healed more. Things had improved but a short bout of being sick last night had confirmed there were still problems.Well, he thought, he only had himself to blame. It was his stupidity that had been the cause of it all. If he'd never tried to.....No! stop that thought he told himself sternly. What was done was done. Now he had to move forward.

 

"OK, let's go, then" Louis said cheerfully. Niall certainly looked like he could do with a break and maybe someone to talk to , as well. Leading the way, he headed to the nurses station to let them know he and Niall were going for a walk about. Niall's nurse smilingly agreed but reminded Niall that he needed to be back in time for his dinner and medication. Niall nodded gloomily then he and Louis wandered off in the direction of the hospital garden.

 

Niall sat down on a bench under a pretty arbor. The garden was very tranquil and he enjoyed the peace after the ordered bustle of the hospital and its rigid routines. Louis wandered about for a bit before coming and sitting next to Niall. He stayed silent, waiting to see if Niall would talk but Niall seemed content to remain silent. Louis mentally cast around for a way of starting the conversation he knew they ought to be having but nothing was coming to mind. Louis decided that he was not good at diplomacy so , hang it, he'd cut to the chase. He'd always been the one to call a spade, a spade. Niall had never been one to cover up his emotions but, lately it was like someone had pulled a plug on him, and he only shared the mundane, like he had never been close to them. All the boys were worried, it felt like the Niall they knew was slipping away from them, being replaced by a polite stranger. Louis wasn't about to let that continue.

 

" 'Sup, mate?" Louis wanted to know. "You've been distancing yourself for everyone. You don't talk to us any more". 

 

"I do talk to you. I skyped with Hazz yesterday and Liam this morning. And I'm talking with you now" Niall was defensive. He felt completely lost within himself but he was grown man, couldn't they see that? Why did they all treat him like he was some baby who couldn't look after himself?

 

"Bro, you know what I mean. Yeah, you talk to us but the old Niall used to tell us everything....mostly everything." Louis corrected himself. Niall was never one for sharing when he was sick. " You've just cut yourself off from us and we want to know why. What's happening in that head of yours?" Louis didn't look at Niall, he just kept his gaze on the sky. Niall stood up and started pacing along the pathway, back and forth, like a small, blond robot. Louis waited patiently. Niall would crack soon, he could feel it.

 

"I'm fine, I don't need you fussing over me" Niall said sharply.

 

"Ni, we're not fussing over you. We're just worried about you, mate. Something is buzzing' in that head of yours." Louis tried to sound casual, like it was no big deal. He didn't want Niall to clam up any more than he had already.

 

"Look, Lou. I'm just trying to work my way through this. I have the MS beat. I just gotta get my stomach sorted then I just need to….."

 

"Need to....what?" Louis asked, his voice still casual.

 

"Talk to..to....Zayn" Niall finally said the name he had been avoiding mentioning,even tried to avoid thinking about. Not that that had worked. "Lou…I still need to know 'why'?"

 

"Mate, I understand. We all do but I doubt any of us will ever know why. You have to stop dwelling on it, bro. Maybe one day he'll tell us but right now he's not ready. Look, of all of us, you're the one he really cared about the most. I'm sure he still does. But for his own reasons, he's cut himself off from us. He needs the distance. You gotta' let him go, bro. You gotta' let him go". Louis sounded sad, his heart breaking for Niall. Despite all the work Niall had done with Donal, Zayn's departure still cut him deeply. Niall slumped down next Louis and rested his head on his shoulder, his eyes overly bright with tears he was holding back. Louis wrapped an arm around him in a sideways hug. "Anything else you want to talk about ?" he asked after a few minutes silence.

 

"Ummh, Lou?" Niall sounded uncertain " I think I've found my Princess."

"In a crowd?" Louis asked jokingly.

 

"Nah, in a hospital" Niall had a shy smile on his face.

 

"Caiomhe?"

 

"Yeah, but there's a problem. She's frightened of the hate she might get. She just wants to be friends for now".

 

"It's a start, mate. And we're on break. Easier to keep stuff under the radar. I'll give you a bit of advice Ni, if you want it?" Niall nodded slowly and Louis smiled " Go for it!. And now my friend, another bit of advice. We'd better go back in before your nurses send out a search party" Louis slung an arm over Niall's shoulders and they walked back inside.

 

"Tommo. thanks" Niall was quiet" I know you're right. I just can't seem to get over that Zee told me he'd always be there for me but when I needed him....." Niall's voice trailed away.

 

"Nialler, he is still there for you. He just isn't in the right place himself to help you.Just remember that. And you got us, and we're not going any place soon. Look mate, I have to go. I'll be back tomorrow" he gave Ni a brief hug and left. He was close to exploding with anger and was afraid he'd lose it if he didn't get away from Niall quickly. He loved Zayn. Zayn was also a brother but Louis was so mad at him. Zayn had made a promise to Niall and he'd broken it. And Louis wanted to know why.And he was going to find out…..one way or another.

Had it really been over a year ago he had been diagnosed with MS? This last year had raced by and so much had happened and there were still other things yet to come . Two more months and they were going back on tour. Niall was excited for everything that the future might hold.. Time is a funny thing he thought, as he finished folding the last of his clothing in his suitcase. Sometimes things seem to drag on for so long you'd begin to think it will never come to an end, like the time he was going through Chemo . But the five years of touring with the other boys, that went by in a flash. And now? Now Niall found that each day was precious, not to be raced through. Each and every moment, good or bad, was to be acknowledged. He now knew he was strong enough to get through the bad days, hadn't he proved it to himself, time after time? He had brothers who would always have his back, no matter what. And the good days, they'd always be there to share them with him. Yes, time was a funny thing. This last year had been one of those that had flashed by and yet Niall found he could recall it all, sometimes with pleasure, sometimes with pain. And there had been a lot of pain. But what was it they said? " What doesn't break you makes you stronger?" He had come so close to breaking, so very close, but he hadn't. He was stronger. He wasn't entirely quite sure where the last year had gone to. One moment the band had been planning their hiatus and now here it was, a year later. And what a roller coaster of a year it had been, he thought as he looked in the mirror, carefully styling his hair , which was now back to its normal length. The band had managed to hold together when Zayn had left, he had been given the life changing diagnosis of MS, not being able to cope with that he'd lost it and nearly killed himself only for the experimental treatment to cure MS to take him to the brink of death once more. It was quite a journey but on the way, he had found his angel, his Caiomhe, He smiled at his reflection.

 

"You ready mate?" Louis stood behind him, his own smile nearly as wide as that of his blond bandmate as he held his little son, Freddie, balanced on his hip.

 

"More ready than I have ever been in my life, Lou" Niall turned and gave Louis a big grin before gently ruffling Freddie's hair affectionately. "Let's do this". He left the bedroom and headed downstairs where the rest of the boys were waiting. "Don't we scrub up well" he joked. Liam , Harry and Louis were all wearing grey suits. They all looked incredibly handsome.

 

"Ready to break the hearts of millions of girls?" Greg asked laughingly as he joined them. Niall smiled up at his older brother.

 

"Well, I don't really want to do that but hopefully they will forgive me" Niall's eyes sparkled as he spoke. "They have been pretty good to Caoimhe. She got some hate but most of the fans were too grateful to her for helping me get through everything that they're happy for us".

 

"Time to go boys" Bobby Horan stood in the doorway looking at all the young men with pride. One blood brother, he thought, and three brothers of the heart. Maura pushed gently past Bobby and enveloped her youngest son in a tight hug. There were so many times when she had come close to losing her baby that she could hardly believe that he'd come through everything. She laid her cheek against his soft hair and hugged him even tighter. Her Niall. Her baby. And now she was letting him go, standing back to allow another woman to take her baby's heart.

 

Hoards of fans were outside the church, screaming and crying, waving banners of love and support. Eventually Niall had given the media several interviews where he had told about the experimental treatment he had undergone for the MS, how ill he had been and why he had hidden himself away.He had also shared with them that he was officially off the market and that he'd found his Princess. He had to smile when he read that the number of girls applying for nursing training had quadrupled as they sought to have Caoimhe's luck and find themselves nursing a pop superstar!. His Caoimhe! And soon she'd be Mrs Niall Horan. A huge smile wreathed his face as he waved to fans before disappearing into the church to await his bride.

 

"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride" Niall needed no second bidding . He wrapped his arms around his new wife and kissed her as the congregation erupted into applause.

 

Niall blushed tomato red as Harry, Liam , Louis, then Greg, gave the speeches. Not being able to decide on just one of them, Niall had invited them all to share best man duties along with Greg. They all had embarrassing tales to tell and the wedding guests were soon laughing uncontrollably as story after story unfolded. Louis was making the most of it as he spilled the beans on some of Niall's exploits from the past.Niall giggled adorably as one after another little tale was told. If Niall felt a pang of sadness at the absence of their missing 'brother', he covered it well. He'd sent Zayn an invitation , but it had remained unaccepted. Niall had hoped but.........he sighed quietly to himself. It would have made everything complete if Zayn had been with them but Louis was right, Zayn had moved on and his new life didn't include them.

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time for Mr & Mrs Horan to take the floor for the first dance" Harry announced, smiling broadly. Niall grabbed Caoimhe's hand and led her to the center of the dance floor. The strains of "Thinking out Loud" were heard and Niall gasped slightly when he saw that their friend, Ed Sheran was actually singing it for them. His bride pulled closely to him, Niall and Caoimhe seemed to float across the floor, so lost in their own private world that everyone else seemed to disappear. They only broke apart when the sound of applause and laughter brought them back to earth, both blushing furiously.

 

All to soon it was time to leave for their Honeymoon. Niall had kept the location secret and only Louis knew where they were headed. As they left the reception, Niall and Caoimhe were both touched and taken back when they found themselves walking under arch after arch of flowers held by a large group of fans. And Caoimhe heard Niall 's whisper " Best fans on the planet" as the entered they waiting car and sped away to start their married life together.

He smiled as he watched the car pull away. Niall deserved this happiness after all he'd been through.

 

The honeymoon was one of those times that flew by so fast Niall thought he had barely to blink. All too soon he was packing ready to begin their tour. He sighed at the thought of being away from Caoimhe for weeks at a time. But she was going to fly out from time to time to join him and they had forever, didn't they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Niall deserves some good luck. Finally things seem to be going well for him and there looks like there is a bright and happy future for him.


	30. Your Hand Fits In Mine Like It's Made Just For me

Niall ripped the paper off the parcel he had just been handed and opened the box it had covered. Why had Caoimhe sent him a package when she was due to see him next week when she joined the band in Japan? He stared in a bemused fashion at the tiny pair of white baby shoes in his hand. What on earth? Louis finally burst into uncontrollable laughter, hugging his sides, as he took in Niall's facial expression. He thought it was hilarious that Niall still hadn't grasped why he was holding baby shoes. Niall looked up at Louis with a rather lost look on his face.

 

"Ni, you don't get it, do you?" Louis chortled.

 

"Get what?" Niall sounded as bewildered as he looked.

 

"Mate, you're going to be a daddy" Louis finally managed to say once his amusement had become more controllable. 

 

"Da..da..daddy?" Niall sat down abruptly "Oh my G*d! I'm going to be a daddy!. That means Caoimhe is ...Oh my G*d. Daddy..I'm going to be a daddy!" Niall leapt up, and started running around the room before bursting into the corridor, shouting at the top of his voice " I'm going to be a daddy!" 

 

"Did you get it all?" Louis asked, grinning broadly at Caoimhe as she emerged from her hiding place, where she had been filming Niall's reaction to the baby news. Her own eyes sparkled with laughter as she absorbed just how happy her husband had been with the news of their forthcoming parenthood. She had worried that he might have felt it was too soon but, as she was a devout Catholic, Niall had understood completely that they would not do anything to stop babies coming. He was less religious but understood Caiomhe's thoughts on the matter.

 

The door crashed open, and Niall still bouncing with excitement, came back into the room , followed closely by Liam and Harry. Niall spotted Caoimhe immediately and , picking her up, swung her around in circles as she giggled. 

 

"Stop, stop" she finally managed to say. "I'll be sick if you don't" Niall immediately set her down as if she was the most fragile glass and gently pulled her into a hug. He rested his forehead against hers, murmuring loving things softly to her.

 

"Congrats guys" Liam said as he then Harry, pushed Niall aside and hugged Caoimhe."When's Baby Horan due?"

 

"Ummmh, I'm three months along now" Caoimhe admitted. Niall stared at her in shock.

 

"But,.... why didn't you say something earlier? You knew, all this time?" Niall sounded confused and slightly hurt.

 

"Ni, sweetheart, you were on tour and I just wanted to get over the most dangerous period before I told you. Just in case....and I didn't want you stressing out because we were not together. You are supposed to stay stress free remember.Paul Taylor's orders " She grinned at him as he sighed. "Don't be mad at me".

 

"M' not mad Caoimhs (Qweevs), just wish you'd told me. I want to worry about you. Are you OK though? You've seen the doctor?" Niall immediately became concerned. Caoimhe pulled a scan picture from her purse and handed it to Niall. He stared at it, a look of total wonder and adoration on his face . " Our baby. Oh, Caoimhs" he whispered. There was a quiet 'click' as Harry snapped the expression on Niall's face. That would definitely get tweeted for the fans. Niall looked so adorable. Harry and Liam both got lost in their own thoughts wondering if and when they'd ever have the same expressions on their faces.

 

"Come on guys, let's celebrate" Louis broke the silence. They all enthusiastically agreed and collected up their various belongings , following Louis out to his SUV. "And no, Niall," he said as they all got settled in and fastened their seatbelts " No Nandos!. This calls for a proper and very special celebration." He put the car into gear and headed off. He'd already got things arranged as soon as Caoimhe had contacted him to arrange Niall's surprise. Louis grinned to himself. Niall was going to be a great dad and Louis was happy for him. Fatherhood was a blessing he thought, he'd not trade it even though his had been far from planned.

 

The next four months of the tour switched from concerts that flashed by to ones that dragged, depending on whether Caoimhe was able to be with Niall. He loved being in One Direction and getting to live his dream. He lived to perform but he also lived for his Caoimhe and their baby. He couldn't wait until he held his baby in his arms. They had both decided that they wouldn't ask what gender the baby was as they both wanted it to be a surprise. They had prepared the Nursery with this in mind with sunshine yellow walls and white furniture. One wall had a rainbow painted on it with baby animals painted underneath. Pretty curtains dressed the windows. The room was adorable and both Caoimhe and Niall were excited for their baby to be sleeping in the pretty crib. 

 

"Chosen any names yet, bro?" Louis asked as he sat in the chair, eyes shut, as Lou fixed his hair and applied some concealer under his eyes to cover up the dark circles that were a result of his previous late night. The boys had all been clubbing and hadn't called it a night until 4am that morning.

 

"Traditional Irish names" Niall said from the couch were he was currently curled up, head in Liam's lap. He was exhausted. Still, he thought, there'd be no clubbing once baby arrived. There would be another cause for sleepless nights then. He smiled at the thought. "Odhran Malachi ( say it O-Ran) for a boy and Aoife Maebh ( say it Eee-fa May v ) for a girl. I wanted Caoimhe but Caoimhs said no, too confusing".

 

"Cool names" Liam said. "I like that you've gone traditional." Harry nodded in agreement. "Trouble is though, nobody will know how to say them".

 

"They'll learn" Niall laughed as he sat up. "You know how efficient Directioners are. Knowing them and their detective skills, they probably already know the baby's gender, the name, when and where baby will be born and what the weight is. I sure they are better than the FBI!" Niall scrambled to his feet and went to replace Louis in the chair , ready for Lou to work her magic on him.

 

"Five minutes lads" one of the stage crew popped his head around the door. The four lads hurried left the room and got into their pre show huddle to go through their ritual. Then it was time to go. Grabbing their mikes they got into position ready to burst onto the stage when the introduction video was finished. A wall of sound hit them as the fans went into a screaming frenzy.

 

The concert was more than half way through and Harry and Liam were reading out the signs the fans were holding up. "I can't read that one" Liam announced " this is a family show" Harry looked over in the same direction as Liam and burst out laughing. Both men turned to look at Louis who, though red in the face, was rocking with laughter. The fans were sure sassy tonight! Niall put down his guitar and grabbed a bottle of water. As he chugged it down he glanced into the wings. staring with surprise. Bobby, his dad was there. Niall blinked and rubbed his eyes then looked again., this time seeing just one of the stage hands. He shook his head, he was seeing things. Bobby only came to the Irish and UK concerts. He'd never be in Holland. Niall picked up his guitar again and went to join the banter. 

 

Bobby moved back so he could see his son again. That was close!

"Keep talking Payno, I need a wee" Louis called out as he wandered off the stage. He was just coming back from his restroom break when he spotted Bobby Horan and hurried over to find out why he was there. Bobby spoke quickly and Louis' face went blank. He nodded then headed back on stage where he sidled up to Harry and whispered quietly in his ear. Moments later he did the same with Liam. Niall saw the whispered conversations and wondered what tomfoolery Louis was planning. He'd have to watch his back, he thought as he waved to a group of girls shouting his name and waving the Irish flag. Niall noticed Liam, Louis and Harry shooting him odd looks from time to time but then he got engrossed in performing and didn't give too much thought to their facial expressions.He hoped they weren't planning anything too wild. He was too tired to want to deal with Louis' pranks.

 

"You're very touchy, huggie today , Lou" Niall said as Louis appeared beside him yet again and flung an arm over his shoulder, pulling Niall into a sideways hug. Louis had been coming over at random moments and rubbing Niall's back or hugging him. Harry and Liam had also been patting him as they passed him. The lads had always been very tactile with each other, but today it seemed like none of them wanted to stray too far from Niall. Every time he'd wandered off and was standing alone, one or other of the boys would magically appear beside him, not speaking to him, but touching him gently. Niall was getting suspicious. They must be up to something, surely. Or maybe he was just imagining things? After all, hadn't he thought he'd seen his dad standing backstage. That itself was utterly ridiculous. Bobby would never come to any concerts that weren't in either Ireland or the UK. Niall rubbed his hand quickly over his face feeling suddenly utterly exhausted. A few more songs and they'd be done. All he wanted now was a hot shower , a burger, some beer then sleep.

 

"Thank you for sharing this evening with us.. We've been One Direction" Harry called out. With a final wave to all the fans the boys left the stage. Harry, Liam and Louis stayed close to Niall which had him wondering what they were up to . They were acting so weird, like they were afraid to leave him alone. He put his guitar carefully in its case then turned around, only to stop in confusion.

 

"Da, what are you doing here? I thought I'd imagined seeing you earlier". Niall went to give his dad a hug which Bobby returned but there was no smile on his face. Niall frowned as he took in his fathers sombre expression and red rimmed eyes. "Da?" he asked, his voice laced with anxiety "Da, what's wrong? What's happened?" Niall's voice started to sound panicky.

 

"Ni, there been an accident. Your Ma and Caoimhe" Bobby said quietly as some tears leaked from his eyes.

 

"Caoimhe, Ma...the baby! Are they OK? Tell me! What happened ?" Niall voice raised in evident panic.

 

"They had gone shopping and their car got hit by a drunk driver. Your Ma is OK but...but .... Caoimhe's side took the full impact. Ni, Management have a plane standing by. She needs you. "

 

"NO! NO!" Niall screamed like a wounded animal then collapsed. Liam caught him, sinking down onto the floor with Niall cradled in his strong arms. It was as if time had stood still.Niall's face was pale but totally expressionless. It was like he was made from wax. Harry and Louis helped Liam stand, still holding Niall and they took him out to the waiting van. Everyone climbed in and they were driven straight to the airport where a private plane was already to take off for Ireland. Niall sat, totally silent through the entire flight. He stared straight ahead, lost in his own private h*ll.

 

Niall entered the ICU where Caoimhe was being cared for. He stood by her bed, holding her tiny hand in his own small one, looking down at her pale, still face. He gently stroked her baby bump with his other hand .She was hooked up to so many machines that beeped and clicked. He was terrified. His Caoimhe…why?

 

"Mr Horan?" Niall turned at the sound of his name and looked at the middle aged doctor who had addressed him.

 

"Yeah, how is my wife? And the baby? Have we lost our baby?" Niall whispered, barely daring to breath as he waited for the answer.

 

"The baby is fine. We have her monitored. Your wife,...Mr Horan...this isn't going to be easy for you but she is only being kept alive by machines. The damage the accident caused was too severe. I'm sorry, but our tests have shown no brain activity"

 

"NO!" Niall screamed. "No, that's not true. She'll be OK. She has to be OK. You don't understand, she's got to be all right. We going to be parents.she can't die. You're lying". Bobby moved forward and wrapped his arms around his petrified son who cried and trembled in his arms. "My Caoimhe..she can't die" Niall whispered brokenly.

 

"Niall, I'm truly sorry. We've done all we can for her but I'm afraid there is no hope. I wish I could tell you differently, but I can't. We'll try to keep her on the machines for as long as possible to give the baby as much of a chance as we can. We'll deliver the baby by caesarean. Then you'll be given the chance to say goodbye to Caoimhe." The doctor placed a compassionate hand on Niall's shoulder. It was times like this he hated his job.

 

Niall spent the next week sat by Caoimhe's bed, talking gently to her, singing softly. He refused to belief what the doctors were telling him. She'd be fine, she'd recover. This wasn't the end. They had the baby to raise. They'd do it together. Caoimhe would prove the doctors wrong. She had to, she just had to. They had made so many plans for the future…..

 

"Niall, we have to deliver the baby today. The baby's heart rate is falling and it's not safe to leave it any longer" The doctor explained to Niall who just looked at him blankly, not taking in what was being said to him. The nurses started to prepare everything and Caoimhe was taken to the theater for the operation that would hopefully save the baby. Niall remained in her temporarily abandoned room, staring at the wall, unmoving. 

 

"Niall, you have a beautiful baby daughter. She's been taken to receive special care as she's premature and her lungs need a little help but she's doing well. Would you like to see her?" the nurse asked gently. 

 

"No, not yet. I want to wait until Caoimhe can see her. I want her to see our daughter" Niall said quietly. The nurse bit her lip, her heart breaking for this young couple who should have had a wonderful future together.

 

"They'll bring Caomhe back shortly then the doctor will talk with you, to explain things" She left Niall staring down at his hands, shaking her head as she went. Life was cruel sometimes.

 

"No, I don't want the machines switched off. Caoimhe has to get better. She will get better" Niall shouted at the doctor.

 

"Niall, that isn't going to happen, I'm sorry. You need to let Caoimhe go." Bobby pulled Niall into a hug and let his youngest son cry on his shoulder.If he could change places with his daughter-in-law, he'd do it in a heartbeat. His own tears flowed down his face into his sons blond hair. Niall had been through so much and now this. He hugged Niall closer.

 

Two nurses very gently moved Caomhe's body more to the side of the bed as another nurse came in holding the baby wrapped up in a soft pink blanket. She handed her to Niall who walked over to the bed and tucked the baby into Caoimhe's unresponsive arms, moving them so the baby was safely held. He then carefully got onto the bed and , wrapping his arms around both his wife and baby, snuggled into Caoimhe's body. The nurses quietly left the room, barely holding onto their own composure as they left the little family alone. Niall whispered to Caoimhe just how much he loved her and their beautiful little daughter. The baby stirred a little fretfully and Niall sang softly to calm her.

 

"Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me..........." The baby fell asleep, lulled by her daddy's angelic voice and the room grew quiet. The stress of the past week or so took it's toll and Niall drifted to sleep. The soft beep of the heart monitor got slower and slower until it beeped no more.The silence stretched out.


	31. Last Breath

The sound of the baby crying woke Niall up and he stumbled from his bed and headed towards the sunny yellow nursery where his tiny daughter was making her displeasure known. He leaned over the crib and gently picked up his baby girl, cradling her in his arms. "Sssh little one" he cooed at her. Her tiny sobs because soft whimpers as she looked up into her daddy's face. "Daddy's got you, you're safe now. Let's get you all comfy ". Niall carried her over to the changing table and swiftly changed her soaked diaper for a fresh one before carrying her downstairs to the kitchen. Hauling a pre -made bottle out of the fridge, he put it into the bottle warmer and stood rocking the baby as he waited for the warmer to ding, announcing the bottle was ready. He grabbed it then wandered into the lounge, making himself comfortable . Niall held the bottle against the baby's eager mouth and she soon latched on, making adorable little sucking sounds as the warm milk flowed into her mouth. Niall stared down at his beautiful little daughter, his little Aoife Maebh and a sweet smile lit up his tired face .

 

Later that morning, Niall checked he had everything he'd need in the diaper bag, shoved his wallet into his pocket then grabbed his keys before picking up the car seat with Aoife safely strapped in. He was due to be at the studio in an hour to start recording for their new album. Lou had offered to keep an eye on the baby and Niall was grateful to her. He couldn't bear to be parted from his little one for too long. It made him anxious.He knew he'd have to get used to it but he didn't like it. He sighed.

 

"Hey Nialler" Liam called out as Niall came into the room . "How's it going?" He studied Niall's face carefully. His bandmate looked extremely pale, far too thin , and very tired. Niall had shut himself and the baby away, seeing no one , for several months following Caoimhe's death. He had been completely emotionless, not crying once , but gradually the lads had coaxed Niall into allowing them to visit. They all knew how hard Niall was finding life without his wife. It wasn't fair. Finally when life had started to become good for the young couple, it had all crumbled. Those first few months, Niall had been a robot,looking after the baby perfectly but in so detached a manner they had been extremely concerned for his mental health but ,one day ,there had been a miracle. Niall had been holding the baby, just looking at her, his face wearing its usual blank expression when the baby had smiled up at him.And just like that, all the tears that Niall hadn't allowed himself to shed, started flowing from his eyes, falling onto his baby daughter's face. That tiny baby had started the healing process. It would take a very long time but Niall had finally allowed himself to acknowledge the pain he was going through.

 

"Mmmh , OK I guess. Im exhausted. Who would think one tiny baby could make so much work!" Niall said, smiling slightly.

 

"It'll get easier, mate." Liam said encouragingly. "Look, why don't I come stay with you for a few days. Maybe take a few of the night feeds and stuff so you can get some proper sleep"

 

"Nay, I'm good" Niall replied though his tired face betrayed him.

 

"Ni...I'm doing it" Liam said firmly and Niall nodded in defeat. To be honest, he could do with some unbroken sleep. Maybe his Ma was right, he should agree to her and Chris coming to help him with Aoife, at least until he was properly back on his feet. But what would he do when they had to resume the tour that Management had postponed to give Niall time to come to terms with his loss.? At least their new management team had been compassionate and supportive.That had been a mercy. Perhaps he could hire a Nanny to help him with Aoife while they toured?

 

"Mate, that's a great idea" Liam said later that evening as he sat on the couch cuddling with Aoife while he and Niall had discussed the remainder of the tour "You'll have someone to help you with this little one so you won't need to stress out while we are on stage or at interviews and stuff. You'll still have her with you but hopefully with far less pressure on yourself. "

 

"Yeah, I know you're right. It's just that I hate to have another woman looking after Aoife. It should be...." Niall broke off. He found it incredibly hard to say Caoimhe's name to anyone. Liam reached out a hand and gently rubbed Niall's arm.

 

"I know , Ni. But she'd be so proud of you and what a great job you're doing, looking after Aoife. But mate, you need to look after you. You have to eat and get more rest. Aoife needs you. Look, I'm making you an appointment with your Doctor, just for a check up". Niall turned his head and, glaring at Liam, shook his head. "Sorry mate" Liam continued firmly "You're going. And speaking of going, I'm going to change this little lady's diaper then put her down for her nap. . How can anyone so sweet smell so bad?" Liam stood and carried Aoife out of the room, leaving Niall smiling after them. He closed his eyes to rest them and was soon asleep. When Liam returned he stood and looked down at his sleeping friend before carefully lifting him up and carrying him up to his bedroom. Yes, Niall did need to see his doctor, Liam thought not even struggling to carry the small man in his arms. Niall weighed next to nothing. Liam sighed. Why was everything in life such a battle for Niall?

 

True to his word, Liam made an appointment with Niall's doctor and escorted him there, knowing only too well that, if left alone, Niall would cancel it. Niall hadn't wanted to leave Aoife but knew she was fine with his Ma looking after her.

 

"I hate you, Payne" Niall grumbled crossly as he sat on the examination couch wearing the despised gown. Liam sat on the chair opposite , ignoring Niall's bad mood. Niall needed this and Liam was going to make sure Niall was properly looked after even if he had to be with him 24/7. Liam suddenly frowned as an idea crossed his mind. Maybe that was the answer. Maybe he should be with Niall 24/7. At least until Niall was properly back on his feet. He mulled the thought over in his mind and Niall continued grumbling away. At tap on the door heralded the arrival of the doctor and his nurse..

 

"Niall, Liam. It's nice to see you both again. How are you both keeping? Liam, you look well but Niall" Paul Taylor turned his gaze on the small blond man " what am I going to do with you?" The last time he had seen Niall was at the wedding and Niall had radiated good health. Now he was barely even a shadow of that man." Let's have a look at you then." Liam stood to leave but Paul Taylor , observing Niall's face, asked if Niall wanted Liam to stay. Niall gave a grateful nod of the head so Liam moved his chair into the corner of the room, out of the way, and sat quietly as Paul began examining Niall. Finally he straightened up . "I'll just get the nurse to take some blood samples, check your weight, etc then you can dress. The nurse will bring you to my office when you're dressed." He smiled at both men and left the room, leaving the nurse to complete her tasks.

 

"Niall, I am not clearing you to tour" Paul said quietly as he looked at the young man sat in front of him. "You just are not well enough".

 

"But I want to, I have to" Niall's voice was raised and Liam quickly moved his chair closer to Niall's, wrapping an arm around Niall's shaking shoulders.

 

"Niall, I said no and I mean no" Paul's tone made it clear he wasn't prepared to argue the point. "I've already spoke to Management and they agree with me". The lads now had a new management team, one that actually genuinely cared about the lads so when Paul had explained Niall's health issues to them, they had been quick to cooperate. "I'm also going to admit you as a patient". Niall stood up at that, pushing his chair aside angrily and attempted to storm out of the room only to be stopped by Liam forcibly pulling him into his arms then sitting down with a struggling Niall held on his lap. Niall fought for a few moments to extract himself but didn't have either the strength or energy to continue.

 

"Nialler, be good and listen. We all just want the best for you and for Aoife" Liam said gently.

 

"You can't hospitalise me" Niall instantly responded " I need to look after Aoife" he looked smug. They couldn't make him, he had his daughter to look after.

 

"That's being arranged as well. Your Management team will help in finding a Nanny for Aoife. She will be able to spend the days here with you and I am sure you can trust Liam to make sure she is fine when she isn't with you." Niall bowed his head in defeat. He obviously wasn't going to win this battle but he had to try.

 

"I don't need to be here. I'm not sick" he snapped.

 

"Niall, you weight less than 100Ibs. I'm fully expecting your blood work to show severe anaemia. You are obviously exhausted and stressed. Do I need to continue?" Paul replied patiently. He had grown very fond of Niall and understood that Niall wasn't being deliberately rude and defiant , he was just overly stressed and far from well. "Niall, you need to do this for Aoife as well as yourself. She deserves a healthy father". Paul played his trump card. He sat quietly, allowing Niall time to think, without being pressured.

 

"OK, ok" Niall finally spoke. " but just for a few days"

 

"Let us just take this a few days at a time then" Liam suggested, choosing his words carefully ,knowing that Niall would be a patient here for more than just a brief few days. "Does he have to stay today, or can we go and get sorted?" he asked Paul.

 

"How about you bring Niall back tomorrow evening at 7pm? That will give you both time to meet Aoife's Nanny and make sure things are all arranged. Niall, I do know you don't want this but you can't continue as you are. I promise I'll do my best to make this as short a stay as possible but you also need to do your part and allow us to help you." Niall didn't look didn't look at Paul, he pushed his way out of Liam's embrace and walked out of the door. Liam shook his head. Why was Niall so stubborn, he asked himself as he shook Paul's hand and followed his bandmate out.

 

Management had been very busy and Niall , along with Liam, had spent the afternoon interviewing a few Nannies. All had been pleasant, well qualified women. Some had been middle-aged, some much younger. In the end he had chosen a girl of his own age who he instinctively felt would be just right. She'd fit in with him and Aoife and , if all went well, maybe she could come on tour with them. He wasn't entirely happy with the situation but he had no choice. Management had made it perfectly clear that they sided with Paul Taylor so that was that.

 

Aoife was being fussy and Niall was at a loss of what to do. He'd changed her diaper, fed and burped her but she was still upset. He walked around the room, gently bouncing her but nothing seemed to work. He decided to try singing to her and without thinking , sang the lullaby he'd heard Caoimhe sing when Aoife was still in her belly and kicking her. 

 

" Where are you going to, little one, little one

Where are you going my baby, my own.

Turn around and you're two

Turn around and you're four

Turn around you're a young girl

Going out of the door.

Where are you going to. little one, little one

Footballs and Train sets

Where have they gone?

Turn around and you're tiny

Turn around and you're grown

Turn around and you're a young man

With sons of your own".

 

Aoife had stopped crying and was staring up at Niall, reaching out her tiny hand to touch his cheek. He smiled softly at his little girl. And the strength that had washed over him the day he had married Caomihe washed over him again. He could hear Caoimhe's voice in his head, telling him he could do this. He had his brothers to help him and she watching over him. He wasn't alone. Caoimhe had never left him completely for hadn't she left a part of her behind in Aoife? Niall smiled at the picture of him and Caoimhe on their wedding day. "Thank you, Princess" he murmured.

Time seemed to be racing by Niall thought as he played with Aoife.

"Daddy , you gotta let go!" Aoife yelled as she peddled furiously. She was determined she could ride her little bike without training wheels. Niall was reluctant to let go , and now he had a death grip on the back of the the bike, determined his little angel wasn't going to fall and hurt herself. Eventually he let go and stopped running and Aoife peddled on "Daddy, daddy, look at me. I'm riding alone" she shrieked with delight. "I'm a big girl!" Niall laughingly agreed with her. Where had the last four years gone? His little baby , though still physically tiny, was growing up and getting more independent by the day. He watched her as she rode her little bike around in circles in the back yard of their Mullingar home.

 

Having tired of riding her bike under Niall's watchful eye, Aoife finally agreed to come in and take a nap while Niall got on with some work. It was the pinging sound from his laptop announcing a Skype call that broke into his concentration. Louis' face popped up on the screen, smiling broadly .

 

"Nialler, mate, what's the craic?" Louis asked cheerfully.

 

"Nothing exciting. Aoife can ride her bike without the trainer wheels now and she tells me she's too big for me to help her dress. I'm obsolete!" Niall joked.

 

"Ni, mate, you need to get out more. Have you thought about what we discussed last time?" Louis asked tentatively. Niall had been very defensive last time Louis had mentioned that he, Niall, should be out dating.

 

"Nah, Aoife's all the female company I need" Niall said hoping Louis wouldn't push the point.

 

"Mate, Aoife's four years old. Do you honestly think Caoimhe would want you to be alone for the rest of your days. I know Aoife is your world but there is room others. Mate, you gotta let go". Niall just made a non committal sound and Louis gave up. Niall was stubborn and he wasn't going to change.

 

"Daddy, you gotta let go. Mate, you gotta let go" The phrases ran round and round in Niall's head. Aoifes voice and Louis' in an endless loop. "You gotta let go". Niall sighed and pushed the bed covers to one side as he got out of bed. He padded quietly into Aoife's room and stood gazing down at his little girl, her blond hair splayed over the pillow and her thumb in her mouth. He gently pulled it out and watched as it crept back to her mouth. He smiled as the sweetness of her. "You gotta let go" this time he could have sworn it was Caoimhe's voice he heard. "You gotta let go". Tucking the covers up over his daughter, Niall left the room and wandered down stairs where he poured himself a drink. Cradling the tumbler of whisky in his hands, he sat on his couch staring across the room at the photograph of himself with Caoimhe on their wedding day, a slow tear trickling down his cheek. Maybe Louis was right and he did need to let go but it was so hard. So hard.

 

Niall opened his eyes feeling groggy and disorientated. He was still on the couch and Aoife was sitting straddled on his lap, patting his cheeks with her tiny little hands. "Wake up, Daddy. You promised we'd go to the park. I'm all dressed ready". Niall looked at her. She was dressed as she had said. She looked adorable. Her little dress was on back to front, her shoes on the wrong feet and she had tried to put her hair into it's customary ponytail but most of her thick blond hair had already escaped.

 

"So I see" Niall said , grinning "but I think you need a little help getting sorted out properly. And what about breakfast? You have to eat". Aoife frowned.

 

"But I want to go now, Daddy" she whined.

 

"Aoife Maebh Horan " Niall said in a warning tone. Aoife knew that when daddy used her full name then she'd better listen. Her daddy was the nicest, sweetest daddy in the world but she knew not to argue with him.

 

"OK, Daddy" She sighed dramatically but followed him into the kitchen. 

 

Niall got Aoife's cereal ready for her then, kissing the top of her head, went upstairs to dress himself. He groaned when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. He really ought to eat more. He worked out regularly but since Caoimhe had passed away, he had lost interest in food and often skipped meals. Life just wasn't the same. And Louis kept on at him about dating. Liam and Harry did too , but not as much as Louis. He's a great mate, Niall thought, but I wish he'd give it a miss. He picked up his keys and wallet and headed downstairs. A few quick adjustments to Aoife's clothing and they headed out of the door.

 

"Daddy, skip with me" Aoife begged as she bounced along beside Niall, holding his hand tightly.

 

"No pumpkin, you show me how you can skip" Niall smiled down at her. Aoife needed no second bidding and skipped ahead of him with Niall following behind, smiling at his tiny daughter's exuberance. He gasped as he saw her catch her foot and scrambled quickly to try and grab her to prevent her falling but he wasn't quick enough.

 

"Oh, you poor lamb" a young lady who was just in front of the fallen child rushed to comfort her. "Oh you've scrapped your knee. Don't cry, I can help your… daddy?.... make it better" she said in a questioning tone as she pulled out some bandaids and an antiseptic wipe out of her purse and handed them to Niall who swiftly dealt with the scrapped knee then pulled Aoife in for a reassuring cuddle.

 

"Thank you" he smiled at the pretty woman "That's very kind of you. "

 

"Oh you're most welcome. We can't have your little one bleeding everywhere. Is it your daughter? She's beautiful".

 

"Yeah, she is. Her name is Aoife. I'm Ni……..."

 

"Niall? Is that really you? Don't you recognise me?

 

"I....Niall's face suddenly registered recognition. "Holly?"

"I can't believe it's you" Holly said "Have you moved back to Mullingar now?" She held her breath, waiting for the answer. They were sat in the small park, both watching as Aoife played on the swings. Niall kept his gaze constantly on his little girl, ready to rush to stop her if he thought she was doing anything dangerous while Holly sneaked quick peeks at Niall's profile.

 

"No, I have a home here now but we're just over to visit the family. I just like having my own space whilst we're here." Niall answered quietly.

 

"Oh" Holly's voice sounded disappointed . She turned her head to face Niall completely but he still kept looking straight forward. "I thought maybe you'd decided to come back. I was hoping I'd get to see more of you and Aoife."

 

"I'll be over from time to time but I need to be in London. It's easier, somehow". Niall again spoke quietly. Holly frowned slightly. Niall had been polite and answered her questions but he'd also been very brief with his responses and hadn't really looked at her.He seemed very reluctant as well, to reminisce with her about their early times together.

 

"Are you well, now? You look like you need a few good meals. Maybe you could come over to my home and I'll cook you a nice meal" She tried again.

 

"That's sweet of you, Holly, but I'm fine" Again a brief answer that was not even accompanied by a smile. "I'd better go. Aoife will need to have lunch and a short nap. We're returning to London tonight" He stood up and beckoned to Aoife , who came running up immediately to be wrapped up in a hug from her daddy. "It's been nice seeing you, Holly. Take care" and Niall picked up Aoife and put her on his hip before walking away. Holly glared at his retreating back. They had been close at one time, before Xfactor and she so wanted to date Niall again. Da*m! she thought.

 

"Who was that lady, Daddy?" Aoife wanted to know.

 

"Holly? She used to be my girlfriend when I was much younger" Niall said, smiling at his daughter's upturned face.

 

"Will she be your girlfriend now?" Aoife asked innocently.

 

"You're my girlfriend" Niall said quickly, then tickled Aoife to distract her from the conversation. Once he had Aoife settled for her nap, Niall sat down on his couch, staring blankly at the TV as his thoughts drifted back to Holly. She had always been pretty as a young teenager but now she was beautiful. They had been quite close before he had done the XFactor but so much water had flowed under the bridge since those days. They had both moved on, hadn't they? Had Holly changed? He certainly had, he knew that. His heart had huge cracks in it and it was only Aoife that kept it glued together. He closed his eyes and drifted off into sleep.

 

It was a strange sensation. Niall knew he was dreaming and that it wasn't real, but part of him never wanted to wake up again. He was walking hand in hand with Caoimhe, along the cliffs . It had always been his favorite thinking place and it was where he and Caoimhe had gone when he was ill and where they had first kissed. They had been so naive. Caoimhe had thought they'd only be good friends, but that one sweet kiss had changed their world. And now Caoimhe was gone, only to be seen in his dreams.But here in his dreams, he could be with her, sharing their daughter. Their precious Aoife. Caoimhe had never seen her daughter but Niall found some measure of comfort that when Caoimhe had finally taken her last breath, Aoife had been held in her arms, with Niall's arms wrapped around the both of them. Niall woke then, tears sliding slowly down his cheeks.

 

Niall brushed the tears away but more followed as he remembered that day. The nurses had helped him so that he was able to lay down on Caoimhe's hospital bed, the baby tucked in her arms. They had switched off all the machines that had been keeping Caoimhe's heart beating, keeping her breathing. Weeks of exhaustion had caught up with Niall and he and the baby had slept as Caoimhe had finally taken her last breath. When Niall had woken up, it had been to find himself in bed in another room, Aoife in a little crib beside the bed and Liam sat next to him, holding Niall's small hand in his own larger, much warmer one. Niall remembered looking at Liam , who had just nodded once, his own eyes red rimmed from crying. And Niall stared at him, then at Aoife. His eyes were dry, the normally beautiful blue color a stormy grey. His Caoimhe was gone and a large part of Niall had seemed to have gone with her. It was just one tiny, tiny baby, who kept him tethered to this earth.

 

Niall was jolted out of his dark thoughts by Aoife screaming. He raced up the stairs to her room and found her sat up in bed, sobbing her heart out.He scooped her up then sat on her bed, cuddling her closely as he soothed her, waiting until her cries had become small hiccups.

 

"Did you have a bad dream, pumpkin?" he asked her gently as he brushed the tears gently from her face.

 

"I had a mare in the night" Aoife sounded so pathetic but Niall had to smile inwardly at her description of a bad dream.

 

"Want to tell me about it?" Niall encouraged.

 

"You left me, daddy. I was looking for you and I couldn't find you anywhere. You were gone".

 

"I'm never going to leave you, pumpkin" Niall spoke reassuringly " I'll always keep you safe. Come on, let's get you changed. We have a plane to catch. Daddy needs to go back to work and you, little lady, have a playmate with Taylor planned. Niall smiled with relief as Aoife instantly cheered up, her bad dream forgotten. If only his bad dreams could be melted away so quickly. He gave himself a mental shake. He'd be strong for his Aoife. He was strong. He could do this. He stood up and followed Aoife downstairs. It was time to leave. 

 

Just as Niall finished strapping Aoife into her carseat, Niall felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it out and looked at it, seeing a text from Holly.. He frowned but threw his phone down on the passenger seat, not in the mood to read the text. As he drove off towards the airport, he found his thoughts a tangle of Caoimhe, Aoife, and Holly. He swiftly switched on the radio. He needed to be distracted from his thoughts. He started to sing along with the songs, Aoife joining in, but part of his mind still stubbornly stayed on Caoimhe and Holly. Then the comments than Louis had made about him needing to let go twined themselves into the threads of his thoughts. He just wanted his mind to shut up. Please, no more drama,he prayed.


	32. Perfect

The years were passing by and Niall claimed he was happy, despite those close to him knowing it was so very far from the truth. He missed Caoimhe terribly and found it hard to move on. He tried dating from time to time but somehow his heart was never in it and eventually he just stopped bothering. He threw himself into his song writing and Golf Management and tried to convince himself that that, along with caring for his growing daughter, was enough for him.

 

Niall smiled uncertainly at the Consultant. The man seemed friendly enough but he wasn't Paul Taylor. Paul had retired last year and had had Niall's care transferred over to this new man. He had assured Niall that James Caldwell was well qualified and very knowledgeable about the experimental treatment Niall had gone through many years ago.

 

"Things seem fine, Mr Horan. We'll do a few scans just to check everything is as it should be. I see the last scans done were five years ago and they showed no evidence of the MS returning. You feel well? No problems you've noticed?" James asked Niall who frowned in thought then shook his head. He'd had a few aches and pains and got more tired recently but he was in his late thirties now. Workouts were bound to be harder and make you hurt more. "Good. Then I'll get them arranged. I see you require sedation for the MRI due to claustrophobia so I'll get that prescribed for you. Say we say 9am tomorrow?"

 

"Yeah, that will be great. I've nothing scheduled for tomorrow" Niall said thoughtfully. Though the band had broken up after a few more world tours, Niall, Liam and Louis still worked together, writing songs for other artists. They had all gone gone solo for a time after the split and they all also wrote music for others. Even though they lived in different countries, they retained their close bonds and saw each other regularly and Louis was currently over from LA and he , Liam and Niall were currently very busy with new work.

 

"Then that is all arranged" James stood as Niall did and they shook hands. Niall left quickly , anxious to get home to Aoife , whom he had promised to take over to visit Liam and Taylor. Liam had married very soon after Niall had lost Caoimhe and had a son, Taylor. Aoife and Taylor had been playmates and it looked like it was likely to develop into a much stronger bond. She was so young, just fourteen, Niall thought, and the realisation he'd eventually have to face of letting his little girl go , made him anxious. He had spent a few months dating his first girlfriend , Holly, but had come to the conclusion that, though she was a nice girl, she was far more interested in him than he was in her. He'd been very fond of her back in the pre XFactor days but he'd been a boy of 16. Now he was a man who had been widowed and had a beautiful daughter. Some things in life have to remain in the past and his relationship with Holly was one of those things. He'd let her down as gently as he could, it was the good old " It's not you, it's me" speech. He was sure he'd hurt her but he wasn't going to lead her on and promise more than he could deliver. He'd gone on to have a few more casual relationships over the following years but realised that his heart would always belong to Caoimhe and there was nobody he'd found that he could love enough to want to marry again. He could never replace her. Aoife was the one constant in his life and he was a devoted father to her.Still, he reminded himself. She was still too young for him to even contemplate her dating.

 

Niall opened his eyes as the sedation began wearing off. He hated that horrible foggy feeling but it was far better than that terrible sensation of the walls closing in on him that his claustrophobia caused. He'd never have been able to cope with the MRI and other scans had he been fully aware of having them done. He pushed the button on his bed and felt the back moving up so he was in a sitting position. He reached out to the bedside locker and tried to grab the jug of water that was there in order to pour himself a drink. His throat felt dry and scratchy. He lifted the jug, only for it to fall immediately from his hands and crash to the floor, water spreading everywhere. D*mn , he was so clumsy.

 

"Niall, you are awake" James Caldwell entered Niall's room and smiled slightly at him then glanced at the wet floor.He poked his head out of the door and spoke to someone and an Orderly was soon in the room, clearing up the mess. James waited until the man had left then pulled up a chair next to Niall's bed. James was holding a manilla folder in his hands and Niall eyed it very nervously. James studied his patient's face then spoke gently " I'm sorry, Niall"

 

"It's back" Niall said bluntly, his voice sounding resigned. "Isn't it ? I kinda thought it was. It's not been quite the same as the first time but the tiredness and problems with coordination from time to time. I wondered. I just hoped I was wrong and that it really was just being overtired."

 

"Yes, I am very much afraid that you are right> You knew it was always a possibility, didn't you. For most people treated with SCT, it seems to still be working but for a few of you...." James shook his head,

 

"Can we do it again? The Stem Cell Therapy? If it worked before, it can work again. Can't it?' Niall asked, his tone hopeful.

 

"I honestly don't know Niall. I'll do more tests but I think that we won't be able to do that again. I'm almost 99% sure it will be impossible."

 

"But there is still that 1%. I beat the odds before, I can do it again. I'm stronger this time than I was last time. Please " Niall was begging now, trying to convince the Neurologist that it could work. James face was grave and he was frowning hard, his eyebrows pulled together in one long, dark straight line.

 

"Niall, I'll do more tests , if that is what you really want but I'm sorry Niall, so sorry. I've studied the scans carefully. I compared them with all your previous scans , right back to when you were first diagnosed. This time it has come back stronger. "

 

"Go...just go.....please" Niall whispered and pushed the button on the bed making it go flat once more . He curled up onto his side in a foetal position. James stood and placed a compassionate hand on Niall's shoulder.

 

"We'll talk later" he murmured quietly then left Niall alone as requested.

(Time Jump)

Aoife loved the attic. It was where her Da kept all the toys from her childhood, the stuff they had collected on vacations and other things that either he or she, couldn't bear to get rid of. And it was where Aoife was today. It was pouring with rain and her Da was closeted with Uncle Liam, song writing. Aoife opened one of the boxes and pulled out the first thing that was on top of the pile. It was 'Froggy', a plush toy that Uncle Harry had given her when she was little. She smiled as her fingers brushed over the fluffy fabric. Aoife put it back then shut the box, standing to leave. As she turned, her eye caught sight of pile of other boxes, all pushed back into the shadows. Aoife frowned at them. Why hadn't she ever noticed them before? She walked over and sat down in front of them. Two of them turned out to be strong wooden chests which were padlocked. Strange! What would Da keep up here that needed to be locked. She turned her attention to a much smaller box that rested on the top of the chests. Cautiously she took off the lid and moved the protective paper aside. She gasped when she realised what it was. She studied it minutely. It was perfect, absolutely perfect! She replaced it carefully in the box , covered it gently before replacing the lid. Aoife bit her lip in thought, nodded to herself, then picked up the box and carried it down the small stairway from the attic. Making sure nobody was around to see either her or the box she held in her shaking hands, she raced to her room and hid the box at the back of her closet, burying it under her collection of shoe boxes and handbags. She didn't want anyone, especially her Da knowing she had it. Out of sight, out of mind, better that way. She smiled to herself.

 

Aoife could not dismiss the memory of those locked chests from her mind and she had always hated mysteries. So here she was again, several weeks later, climbing the narrow stairway up to the attic. Her stomach was fluttering with both nerves and excitement because she was finally about to find out what was in those locked chests that her Da had hidden in the darkest part of the attic. She had found a large bunch of keys hidden in in her Da's desk drawer. She knew she shouldn't have taken them but she was desperate to know why these boxes were locked away and stored in such a dark part of the attic. Taking a deep breath, she tried the first key in the lock and turned it. Nothing happened. She pulled the key out and inserted the next key on the keyring. There was a loud click and she reached out her other hand and slowly raised the lid.

 

 

Aoife sat back on her heels and dusted off her hands. What was all this stuff? She picked up a picture that was on the top of the box and studied it carefully. It was definitely her Da, Uncle Harry, Uncle Louis, Uncle Liam and a dark, bearded man she thought looked oddly familiar but she had no idea where she'd seen his face before. They looked very young in the photograph and they appeared to be on a stage in the middle of a performance. Just what was all this? Holding the picture in her hand, she bit her lip in thought. She'd always know her Da had been in a boy band, One Direction, with Uncles Harry, Louis and Liam. But who was this fifth man . She pulled out other pictures. He was obviously part of the band but why didn't she know him ? She tried another key in the next box and opened that. It was a treasure trove of press cuttings, CDs, DVDs, letters and awards. Aoife settled back and started reading.

 

Niall walked slowly to the front door, occasionally putting his hand on the wall or bits of furniture as he passed. His balance was a little off when he was extremely tired like he was today, but things had improved enormously for him over the last year. It had been a shock to find out three years ago that the MS had returned but it had turned out to be far less aggressive that James Caldwell had predicted and medication was controlling it to some extent.. He broke into a big grin when he opened the door and found, not only Liam with his son, on the doorstep but also Harry, Louis and his son Freddie. He stepped back and waved them in, his smile getting even bigger as he surveyed them all. Harry wrapped a casual arm over Niall's thin shoulders and walked with him as they all went into the Lounge.

 

"Hey, what's the craic ?" Niall asked delightedly as soon as everyone was seated and the Housekeeper had brought in a tray of coffee and cakes. "You guys look great! Harry, when did you get here? I thought you would be stuck in LA for at least another week. "

 

"Nay , mate. And miss a chance to see you a little sooner ?" Harry pulled Niall into a side hug as he spoke. "Seriously bro, how are you doing ?" Harry asked the question that he had wanted to know the answer to for some time but had been too nervous to ask. He and Niall talked regularly but it was Louis that Niall was most open with. Louis and Niall had grown closer and closer since Zayn had left the band all those years ago. Louis had been the one Niall had turned to the most and Louis, despite his image of being immature and wild, had shown his real persona . He'd truly been Niall's big brother.

 

"Good, actually. Been taken some great medication and it's sent me into remission." Niall was cheerful.

 

"I'm glad you didn't have that Stem Cell Therapy again" Louis spoke this time. That was one of the worse things I have ever seen and I was only an observer" Louis felt a chill go down his spine as he saw the image of a very sick Niall in his mind's eye. "We nearly lost you". Louis sounded choked with emotion and Liam patted his knee soothingly.

 

"Yeah, that was one of the darkest times in my life" Niall acknowledged sombrely.

 

"Why didn't you go ahead with it this time?" Liam asked curiously. Niall had been told there was a very strong chance it would not have worked a second time but he had been adamant , at one point, he was going to go through it again.

 

"I talked it over with Aoife and my parents. Aoife had the right to know what happened last time and both she and my parents really didn't want me to do it. I didn't think you lads would have been keen either." Niall said quietly "I know you would have supported me but it would have been selfish to put you all through that when there was so little chance of it working. But treatment has improved since then and the new medications are great. Just hate having to have IVs stuck in me to get the da*n stuff into my system every month. Still..it works" He grinned around at everyone.

 

All the men looked up as Aoife cleared her throat as she stood by the door watching them. There was a flurry of activity as they all stood up and , one by one, pulled her into their arms for hugs and kisses.

 

"Uncle Harry. I can't believe you're here and not just skyping me" Aoife reached up and gently tugged on one of Harry's curls. His hair was worn shorter now so his curls were much more wild. "Uncle Louis and Freddie!" Louis picked Aoife up and swung her around in circles before placing her back down on her tiny feet. Aoife was so small that she made both Louis and her Da look tall. She grinned around at them then giggled as Liam picked her up and tucked him on his hip like he used to do when she was a toddler. "Uncle Li, put me down. M' not a baby" " she demanded laughing. He carefully put her down again. He did the same thing every day he visited and it was a standing joke between them.

 

"I'm not complaining about seeing you all but is there a reason?" Aoife asked. She had a surprise of her own and hoped none of her "uncles" had cottoned on to it yet. She wasn't ready to share at the moment. She had a lot of thinking to do. She didn't want to do anything that would hurt her Da.

 

" Do we need a reason to visit you, beautiful? I'm hurt! " Louis sassed then continued more seriously "Well actually, we are planning to do a reunion concert" he admitted. "We've been waiting for your Dad's Doctor to give him the all clear. We want to write some new songs for ourselves , rehearse and all that good stuff. Whatta ya' think,?"

 

Aoife breathed a quiet sigh of relief. She hadn't been rumbled. She jumped up and down in excitement. "That is so cool!".

 

"Yeah, we think so too" Niall admitted " Why don't you ,Taylor and Freddie go amuse yourselves and let us talk" Niall stood. Thus dismissed, Aoife led the way out of the room. Once she was sure they couldn't be overheard, she whispered at them to follow her as she wanted to show them something. Leading the way, clutching some keys in her hand, Aoife climbed the narrow stairway up to the attic, the two young men following.

"Any idea who that man is?" Aoifa asked the two lads who were kneeling down in front of the opened boxes.

 

"Zayn" Freddie said "It's Zayn Malik. He used to be in the band and then suddenly quit one day. My dad said that he was real close to your dad and …well I'm not sure I should say" Freddie stopped speaking.

 

"And what? What, Freddie? Tell me. Aoife demanded.

 

"Your dad didn't take it too well, he had some kind of major meltdown. My dad and the others helped him through it but it was only when he married your mom things really got better then......" Freddie didn't really want to continue...." They hoped Zayn would come see your dad when your Ma passed but nobody heard anything., all ties were totally cut. That's why he'd not talked about."

 

"Zayn! Of course. No wonder he looked a little familiar. My friend, Katy, her Ma has some of his music. She was a big fan. Isn't he some hotshot producer now?" Aoife's frown cleared . "He was in One Direction?" Freddie nodded, saying that Zayn had been with the band for five years before he'd left and that, although he'd been great when Niall was first ill, he had unaccountably vanished after writing Niall a letter of goodbye. He hadn't been in contact for the last 18 or so years. Aoife shook her head sadly. "Poor Da. I wonder why that happened after they'd been together for so long". Both men with her just shrugged. Taylor because his dad rarely mentioned the past and Freddie because he was afraid he'd already said too much and he knew his dad would be furious if he found out that he'd said anything about Zayn. He knew it was a sore subject with his dad.

 

For the last few weeks, Aoife kept thinking about what Freddie had told her. No wonder that stuff was locked away. There was obviously some very deep hurt caused by the breakup . Aoife hated knowing that. If only there was a way. She shook her head sadly. Aoife was so lost in her thoughts that she jumped when Taylor appeared next to her, wrapping his arms gently around her waist and kissing her softly on the lips. "Have you spoken to your Da yet? I did to mine and he's OK about it". She shook her head. She'd been putting it off. She had to talk soon but didn't know how to broach the subject. What if he didn't like it?

 

Aoife was hesitant. Niall looked across the room at his daughter and frowned slightly when he saw how nervous she appeared. "When did you know you were in love with Ma?"

 

"I think I started falling in love with her when we had a fight about her putting in a catheter when I was one of her patients. It sort of slowly evolved from there. She was the one, she'd always been the one" Niall said softly. "Just like Taylor is the one for you". Aoife looked up at him in shock. "I have eyes, Aoife . I see in your eyes the same look that your Ma had in hers." Niall smiled at his daughter. Oh she was a beauty, was his Aoife. Just like her Ma.

 

Aoife stood and looked at herself in the mirror, studying herself from every angle. She sighed to herself. It was perfect. She wanted this so much but the pain it might cause her Da. worried her. How could she ask? She turned away from her reflection and let out a soft scream as she saw her Da sitting quietly on her bed, next to the now empty box she had taken from the attic months ago,. Tears were pouring down his cheeks but he was smiling softly at her.

 

"Da, I'm sorry. I…..................."

 

"You look beautiful, Aoife. You look beautiful. Just like your Ma." He stood up then and lifted the wedding veil from off her face. "You'll make Taylor a beautiful bride". Niall sat down again as he smiled at his daughter. Still tiny, he thought as he remembered holding her in his arms for the first time, the joy and the sorrow suddenly fresh in his memories.

 

"You know? " Aoife blushed brilliant red as Niall grinned.

 

"Yeah, Taylor asked me a few weeks ago. Very formal he was, requested your hand in marriage". Niall had a sweetest expression on his face as he recalled how nervous Taylor had been, constantly shifting in his seat and wiping his sweating hands on his jeans. "I said yes. It's time to let go of you"

 

Aoife smiled in relief then turned back to the mirror, meeting her Da's eyes in the reflection. "You don't mind?" Aoife questioned softly. "I found it in the attic months ago and I so wanted to wear it but I didn't want to hurt you. I just wanted a bit of Ma on my wedding day"

 

"I'm not sad, pumpkin. It will be a little bit like Caoimhe is with us on the day. You'd better take it off now, Taylor is downstairs and he mustn't see the dress" Niall stood slowly and walked towards his daughter . He placed a loving kiss on her forehead and left , with her looking after him, her heart swelling with emotion.

 

Taylor was waiting for her in the lounge, along with Uncle Liam and her Da. He was shifting his weight from foot to foot as he stood looking at her as she entered the room. He walked forward and, grabbed both her hands as he went down on one knee.

 

"Aoife Maebh Horan. I have loved you since we were children. I promise to love you for infinity. Please would you do me the honor of being my wife?" Taylor looked nervously up to Aoife's face and saw slow tears falling from her eyes. But she was smiling and nodding. He let go of one of her hands then pulled a beautiful ring from his pocket and slide it onto the ring finger of her left hand. It fit perfectly. Aoife stared down at it, then raised her eyes, not immediately to Taylor's face but to the face of her Da.

 

"It was the ring I proposed to your Ma with. I know she'd want you to wear it" Niall spoke so softly, he voice barely audible. Aoife just nodded, her tears flowing even faster now. Taylor, the ring, the dress. Perfect!

 

Taylor and Aoife planned to marry on what would have been her parents wedding anniversary so it was all action stations. Aoife finished writing the invitations and checked the list carefully. She put down her pen and stared out of the window, her head busy with so many thoughts. She finally turned her attention back to the invitations that littered her desk and picked up the pen to finish writing the last few, adding a letter to the final one and sealing it carefully..

 

"Aoife?" 

 

"Uncle Louis! I didn't know you were here" Aoife got up and hugged Louis who squeezed her tight. He loved Aoife's hugs and the way she was so tiny she had to stretch up a little to get her arms around his neck. It made him feel tall for a change.

 

"Actually I've been here hours but you were so busy. I'm off now." Aoife pouted in disappointment. "You done writing all those?" he nodded his head at the pile of invitations on the desk.

 

"Finally" Aoife said, sounding relieved.

 

"Give them here, I'll get them mailed for you" Louis held out his hand and Aoife passed him the thick stack of envelopes.

 

"Thanks, Uncle Louis. You've saved me a trip ." Aoife was grateful.

 

"No probs" Louis said "See you in a few days" He gave he a quick kiss then left, leaving Aoife to stare out of the window again. her stomach suddenly feeling very fluttery , like dozens of butterflies were in there.

 

Louis got into his Range Rover and threw the envelopes on the passenger seat where they fanned out from their neat little stack. He glanced idly at them, there was quite a pile there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going fairly well for Niall but will it stay that way…….?


	33. I Loved Her First

Sounding really great guys" Mandy their vocal coach said cheerfully "The fans are going to adore this and I am sure you'll end up with a whole new generation of fans into the bargain." Louis laughed at that and rolled his eyes at the woman's enthusiasm. This tour was probably going to be just a one off.

 

"I'm going to take a nap" Niall told the boys after he'd put his guitar away." I'm a bit tired" Louis looked at him in concern. Niall looked exhausted yet they had only been rehearsing for a few hours.

 

"Ok, mate" Liam said casually, his back turned to Niall. Liam caught Louis gaze and made a slight jerk of his head. Both men waited until Niall had left for the dressing room then waited in silence until Harry entered the room.

 

"Where's the little Irish guy ?" Harry asked immediately noticing there was only Liam and Louis in the room.

 

"Tired. Gone to rest" Louis said "Look, do you lads think Ni is all right? He's so tired and seems, I dunno, kinda detached from everything. Like he's somehow not really here"

 

"I know what you mean" Harry sat down on the couch and crossed his legs as he leant back " Maybe it's just all the arranging of the wedding along with preparation for this tour. I mean, he seems OK apart from that".

 

"Yeah, you're probably right. He's bound to be tired with all that. He wants everything perfect for Tay and Aoife. He's been doing his best to make sure Aoife has the day of her dreams though I know he's struggling with the fact his baby isn't a baby any more. I wish he'd find someone to love for himself. He's been alone far too long." Liam said reflectively. He totally understood that Niall had loved Caoimhe deeply but wished he'd let her go and allow himself to move forward.

 

"Niall, what can I do for you?" James Caldwell asked pleasantly as he surveyed his patient "You weren't scheduled for a checkup until the end of the year. Is everything alright?"

 

"Yeah, I....The band is going on a reunion tour next month. Loads of rehearsals and stuff and I'm just run down, a bit tired" Niall said quietly, fidgeting with his fingers as he spoke.

 

"OK, that's understandable.Let's just give you the once over". James rang his nurse who came and escorted Niall into the examination room where she left Niall to undress. Niall sat on the edge of the examination couch, shivering as he was just in his boxers. A tap on the door heralded the arrival of the Consultant, with the nurse in attendance. " OK Niall, you lay down for me and we'll get started".

 

"Severe anaemia" James said.

 

"What?"

 

"Severe anaemia." That's why you are so exhausted" James said quietly. "You are underweight, you admit you don't eat properly and that in itself, may have caused you to become very anaemic. Any stomach trouble?"

 

"That's all? The MS isn't getting worse?" Niall stared at James, totally ignoring the question about his stomach. "I thought…."

 

"No, the new medication is working perfectly. Your MS is still in remission. Could be that your eating habits are part of the problem. But you didn't answer, any stomach problems?" Niall shrugged and James sighed. He'd been warned by Paul Taylor that Niall could be very invasive when asked questions he didn't want to answer. James tried again "Niall?" Again a shrug. "OK, I'm scheduling you for an endoscopy just so we can check everything is fine there".

 

"No!" Niall's voice was just a shade too loud which made alarm bells ring in James' head. "No" Niall said more quietly. "My stomach is fine".

 

"Then you won't be worried about having the test done, just to reassure me then" James countered.

 

"Fine" Niall was resigned. "But after we get the tour started, please".

 

"I'll allow you to leave it until then , Niall, but no longer" James said firmly. "I'll arrange it with Management , shall I?" Niall nodded then stood. He shook hands briefly with James and hurried out, before James could change his mind. Why would they never leave him alone? He rubbed his hand gently over his stomach. It was sore but nothing to worry about, was it?

 

Aoife stared at the package in her hand. It had arrived by special courier just minutes ago. It was addressed very clearly to her yet there was no indication on the small box who had sent it. She frowned , wondering if she should open in up. Finally making up her mine, she carefully started to unwrap it revealing a small jewellers box . Holding her breath, she lifted the lid and peeked inside. Her breath blew gently out as she hesitantly touched the contents with her index finger. It was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Aoife carefully lifted out the large victorian locket. It was obviously gold and had an intricate design with her initial 'A' picked out in tiny diamonds. She opened it slowly and there, in the space meant for a picture, she was astonished to find there was one already in place, one she had never seen before . It was of her Da and Ma. She studied it carefully. They looked so happy and it looked like they had been oblivious to having been photographed. She was so wrapped up in looking at the contents of the locket that she shrieked when she heard her Da's voice behind her. "Aoife? Pumpkin?"

 

"Da, you made me jump" she giggled nervously.

 

"What'ya got there?" Niall asked, seeing the gold locket in her hand. She passed it over to him and watched as he examined it carefully. "It's beautiful." He flipped it open and stared down at the enclosed photograph, shock on his face. It was one he had never seen before."Where did you get this?" he asked quietly, raising his eyes to meet Aoife's gaze.

 

"I don't know. I thought it might be from you." Aoife said but Niall shook his head in denial . "It arrived by special courier about tens minutes ago". Aoife bent down and picked up the box and wrappings from where she had dropped them on the floor. "Uncle Liam maybe? Or Uncle Harry or Louis?" she suggested but Niall still shook his head. The lads would have told him if they were sending Aoife a gift like that. Whoever it was from, money was obviously no object. The locket was heavy, real gold and those diamonds were very real. And the photograph inside? Who had taken it? If it had been one of the lads they would have given Niall a copy of it years ago. Niall gave the locket back to Aoife then took the wrappings from her hand. Maybe they held a clue.

Niall had tried everything. He had contacted the Courier and the Jewellers where the Locket had be bought but they were unable to provide any information as to whom had sent the Locket. It was a mystery.None of the lads could offer any suggestions as to where it had come from but Niall got the slightly uneasy feeling the Louis had some thoughts on the subject. Niall broached him on several occasions, trying to appear casual but each time Louis brushed him off and was quick to change the subject. Niall had to put the matter to the back of his mind . The tour had started and during a short break between concerts, Aoife was getting married and the thoughts of having to let his little girl go, consumed his every waking moment.

 

Time had raced by and now it was time. Niall gently pulled the veil over Aoife's face then holding both her hands in his , asked "Are you ready?" Aoife drew in a shaky breath and nodded and Niall tucked her left hand under his arm . The signal was given , the music started and they began the slow walk down the aisle of the church. Feeling Aoife shaking , Niall reached over with his left hand and patted her hand. "Taylor is waiting" he whispered and she nodded, her eyes fastened on the young man who stood waiting at the alter, his own father at his side. Niall felt this walk with his daughter was lasting forever yet it was still too fast and would be over far too soon, and he'd be letting her go to another man. He felt like his heart could crack in two and he felt a tear slip down his cheek.

 

"Who gives this woman to this man?" Father Dominic asked.

 

"I do" Niall responded. He lifted the veil off Aoife's face, kissed her gently on her forehead and placed her hand in Taylor's before stepping aside. His little girl was now a woman and he had to let her go.Why was it so hard to let go?

 

The Reception was well under way and it was time for the speeches. Niall dreaded it. He was used to talking to fans, had done thousands of interviews and talked to millions of people but when it came to making this particular speech, he was petrified. He got slowly to his feet and rapped his glass for silence.

 

"I'm not a speech maker" he said " I'm a singer. So, instead of talking, I'm singing my speech" The guests all whooped and cheered as Liam brought Niall his guitar. Niall got himself settled then started to sing.:

 

(Imagine Niall singing this: My cousin found this for me :-) )

https://youtu.be/fokdZ1UNMBM

 

"Oh Da" Aoife ran to Niall as he finished singing and wrapped her arms around him tightly in a hug. "You'll always be my first love". They rocked together gently as the guest all tried to master their emotions with varied success. 

 

As Niall watched Aoife and Taylor dance together, he felt the searing pain go through his stomach and unobtrusively slipped away as fast he could to the restroom. Fortunately it was empty and he quickly entered one of the stalls just in time for his stomach contents to erupt violently. He stared down into the soiled bowl of the toilet and threw up again on seeing the blood. He knew he had to get to hospital soon. He'd been an idiot to twice cancel the appointments for his endoscopy. He was paying for it now. Please just let me get through today, he pleaded with himself. I'll go tomorrow.

 

"Ni? Nialler? You in here?" Louis called out. Niall wiped his mouth and flushed the toilet before opening the door. "The kids are about to leave, mate" Louis said then stopped when he say Niall's pale and sweaty face 'You OK, mate? You look awful"

 

"Yeah, I'm good. Let's go. I want to say goodbye to my baby girl" Niall hurried past Louis who stared anxiously after him.

 

"Da, it's time for us to go now" Aoife said slowly ."Could you do me a favor?"

 

"Anything pumpkin, you know that " Niall answered quietly.

 

"Could you take this to Ma?" Aoife handed over her bouquet of flowers "Please?" Niall nodded, unable to answer. He kissed Aoife gently then watched as Taylor grabbed her hand and led her away to the waiting vehicle. Liam appeared beside Niall and they both stood and watched as the car pulled away, waving until it had vanished from sight.The two men stood and talked for a short time then Niall excused himself and walked to his own car. It was a short drive back to the small church where only hours before his beautiful Aoife had become Mrs Taylor Payne. Liam had raised his son well and Niall knew in his heart that Taylor would always look after his little Aoife but he suddenly felt so very lonely.

 

Parking the car, Niall picked up the flowers and walked around to the back of the church to the quiet and serene Cemetery at the back. Niall bent down and placed the bridal bouquet on Caoimhe's grave then sat down, pulling his knees into his chest and resting his chin on his knees as he looked at the profusion of flowers that always covered her grave. He frowned slightly in confusion then unfolded himself to look at the flowers. He'd been late yesterday but someone else must have come here earlier today because there was another beautiful arrangement of flowers next to his own. Aoife must have been, he thought. He reached out and pulled out the attached card so he could read it better. 

 

"Forgive me, I should have been there when he needed me" . There was no name but it was exactly the same handwriting that had been on the package containing Aoife's locket. Niall was confused. He sat back again, staring at the card in his hand ' Forgive me? ". Was it from the Doctor that had broken Caoimhe's heart before she was Niall's girlfriend? But then the second part made no sense, no sense at all. Niall finally broke from his thoughts with a shiver. It had grown dark now and he had the eerie sense of being watched though he was alone . He looked around but he couldn't see a soul. He tucked the card into his pocket, and stood up , ready to make his way back to his car. He hissed as the pain ripped through him, more intense than ever .Then his world went black.

 

"I don't know exactly where we are" He was trying not to panic. "It's the graveyard behind St. Mary's Catholic church. Hurry please".

 

"Sir, the emergency services are on way. Please calm down. I'll stay on the line until they arrive." the disembodied voice said encouragingly.

 

"Please tell them to hurry" his voice was barely above a whisper. Time seemed to stretch out in such a way that just a few minutes felt like hours .

 

"They are nearly there , sir"

 

"I hear them, I hear them. Thank G*d."

 

Louis groaned when his phone started blaring out his latest ring tone. He'd drunk too much at the wedding and his head was already pounding."Hello" he almost moaned out .

 

"Mr Tomlinson? This is St Vincent's Hospital. A Mr Niall Horan has just been admitted. Please could you come as soon as possible.? Louis snapped into sober immediately he heard those words.

 

"On my way" He hung up and instantly contacted Liam and Harry, telling them to meet him there. He broke nearly every speed limit in his race to the hospital and arrived panting at the Reception desk. 'Niall Horan?" he gasped out.

 

"Room 139, Sir. One of his friends is already with him" Louis nodded his thanks to her and raced to find the room. Harry or Liam must have beaten him here. He reached Niall's door and stopped to catch his breath before opening the door. A man sat huddled in a chair next to Niall's bed, holding the Irishman's small hand. Louis' eyes went wide when he saw the tattoos on the man's wrist. He hadn't seen them for years but he knew them only too well.

 

"Zayn?"

 

Edited to add this for myself and any other deaf readers'. I didn't realise how beautiful the words were.

https://youtu.be/hpd1532StR8


	34. Alibaba

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Might be triggering for some people. Caution advised.

Zayn looked up and nodded stiffly to Louis who moved to stand next to him.

 

"How's Ni?" Louis wanted to know.

 

"He's in pretty bad shape. They say he's been bleeding into the stomach. They are giving him some blood then he'll go to surgery. He came around briefly in the Emergency Room,. Stupid fool had been in pain for some time". Zayn sighed. "The doc says they've caught it just in time and unless anything goes wrong......" Zayn couldn't finish. It was like he was afraid to tempt fate.

 

"So why are you here?" Louis asked, his tone bitter. "What dark hole did you creep out of?"

 

"I was invited. Aoife invited me to her wedding. She sent an invitation to my Management. I wasn't fool enough to accept but I just wanted to see you guys again. I just didn't plan on being seen" Zayn said equally bitterly.

 

"So why am I seeing you now ?" Louis was curious.

 

"I had taken flowers to the cemetery and Niall came while I was there. I managed to hide and was waiting for him to leave when he collapsed. I got help" Zayn said simply. "Look, I better go.I don't want the others to see me".

 

"Why Zayn? Why did you do it.? You left Niall when he was at his most vulnerable. We nearly lost him a third time and you weren't f*cking there. You promised! You f*cking promised" Louis voice was quiet but venom dripped from every word making Zayn flinch as the accusation was spat at him.

 

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. I thought I was doing what was best for you all, for Niall. I thought a clean cut was better, less painful for us all.

 

"What do you know about pain? It wasn't you who had to watch your best mate almost die yet again. He needed you and you weren't there, you bas*ard. And you show up now, like some f.cking knight in shining armour...you make me sick. You broke him when you left the band and you broke him when you left last time. Trying to make it a hat trick, Zayn?"

 

"You think I don't know what I've done. How I've treated you all.. How I treated Niall? You think I don't care.? You know nothing, Lou, nothing. You stand there in judgement and you know nothing. I've been punishing myself ever since I left and no matter how much I punish myself it will never be enough. Zayn raked his hands through his hair and his sleeves slid down his arms. Louis stared at Zayn's now bare forearms and felt sick. Thin lines criss crossed his arms, some still openly weeping blood, others healed into white lines. He shook his head to clear it but the cuts were still there, daunting him.

 

"G*d, Zee. Why ?" he whispered as he reached out and grabbed Zayn's arm, staring at the cuts ,a look of complete horror on his face.

 

"I have to punish myself. More and more. It's not enough. It will never be enough to make me pay for what I've done. I thought all I had to do was save him from the media when that suicide rumour started. I thought I would do it then walk away. If I stayed then I'd never have been able to leave. I gotta go" Zayn had tears pouring from his eyes as he tried to push past Louis.

 

"No! No!" Louis, though much smaller " wrapped his arms around Zayn and prevented him from leaving. "You aren't going anywhere. Not now, not like this" He pulled Zayn into a tighter hug, causing Zayn to hiss in pain. Louis pulled back and grabbed the hem of Zayn's shirt and pulled it up. Angry slashes crossed his torso, some barely even healed. Louis dropped the shirt down and wrapped his arms more gently around Zayn, letting the taller man sob into his shoulder.

"What's he doing here?" Harry snapped as he and Liam appeared in the doorway. Liam looked shocked at seeing Zayn but Harry turned on his heel and walked straight out. Liam turned to follow but Louis' quiet 'Let him go. He'll come back" stopped him.

 

"So why are you here, Zayn?" Liam asked.

 

"Later, Li." Louis said firmly. There was a bumping sound outside the door and a doctor appeared, along with two orderlies pushing a gurney.

 

"We'll be taking Mr Horan down to surgery now" the doctor said. You are welcome to wait but it may be some time. If all goes well, he'll be in recovery until he regains consciousness then brought back here." The men stood back and allowed the orderlies to careful lift Niall's frail body onto the gurney and push him away out of the room.

 

"How long do you think it will take. Doc?" Liam asked anxiously. 

 

"I wish I could say but until we get in there and see the damage, I have no real idea. I suspect that it's been a mix of gastric problem, some medication and alcohol from what Mr Horan managed so tell us when he was conscious. If that's the case , it should be straight forward. Another cause and we could have major problems. Excuse me, gentlemen. I'll try and keep you informed" With that he left, following the gurney bearing Niall as it disappeared down the corridor.

 

Harry was leaning against the wall , listening to the doctor as he spoke. He kept staring at the ground in front of him , his shoulder stiff and tense.His fists were clenched at his sides as he resisted the urge to punch Zayn's face. His anger was bubbling up inside him so he pushed himself away from the wall and turned to look at Zayn, raising his hand to strike at him. And just like that, his arm fell back to his side. Zayn had crumbled to the floor, Louis' arms still around him and he looked broken. Harry's anger ebbed away .

 

The four men sat in utter silence, all eyes on the clock as it relentlessly ticked the seconds away. Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours and there was still no news. They had mutually agreed not to contact Aoife and Taylor until they knew something definite. Harry shuffled in his seat then spoke softly "Zayn?"

 

"Mmmmh. What?" Zayn responded nervously, darting a quick glance at Harry before redirecting his gaze back to the clock.

 

"Those interviews. The things you said. Why?" Harry wanted to know.

 

"If I told you the truth, you'd not believe me" Zayn sounded bitter.

 

"Try me !" Harry immediately challenged. Zayn was silent for a moment , trying to order his thoughts so they would make some kind of sense, before he spoke.

 

"Management made it hard for me, for all of us. Don't do this, can't do that. Then having to leave like I did. I knew it would hurt and you'd hate me because I couldn't tell the truth. Then Niall tried to take his life again and I had to tell you. But I knew then if Management ever knew I'd spoken, they promised I'd pay, they promised they would make you pay. That's why I ran after I told the media it was me not Niall that had made the suicide attempt. I knew if I didn't leave immediately, that if I got caught with any of you. It would happen. So I ran, bad mouthed you. Did everything to build up that wall between us. " Zayn's voice faded into silence.

 

"The Locket, the one Aoife was wearing at her wedding. Was it from you?" Liam asked and Zayn nodded.

 

"It had a picture in it. One none of us, including Niall, had never seen before. How'd you get it?" Harry asked and Zayn looked suddenly very shy.

 

"I couldn't stay away. I made sure you never saw me but I was around as much as I could be. I watched your families grow, I've been to your concerts, watched all your interviews. I've even spoken to you on Twitter and Instagram" Zayn smiled slightly at the astonished looks on their faces as they tried to work that out and failed. "I'm "Alibaba." I am actually surprised you never caught on. I even donated blood when Ni had his MS treatment because we share the same rare blood group. I crept in to visit him some nights as he recovered, just watching him sleep. I tried to leave , I just never could quite make the break no matter how I tried. I just made sure I never got caught…..until now".

 

"And now?" Harry said " Do we tell Niall? Are you going to stay?" 

 

"No, once I know how Niall is, I'll leave. It's better he doesn't see me again. He's moved on, I don't want to cause him more pain. " Zayn said sadly. It hurt, knowing he couldn't stay but he would rather bear the pain himself then break Niall a third time.

 

The men all lapsed back into silence, each of them pondering what Zayn had told them. Louis especially aware that Zayn suffered his own deep pain because of what he'd done. He'd hurt them all but he didn't deserve to keep punishing himself. And why on earth had Aoife invited him to the wedding? How the h*ll did she even know about him? Louis felt his mind go back to the invitations he had posted for her. He'd thrown them on the passenger seat and the pile had fanned out. He'd caught a glimpse of an unknown address but had posted them all before he remembered what he'd seen . He'd have to talk with Aoife later. His mind refocussed on Niall. as the clock ticked on in the otherwise silent room.

 

"Horan Family?" The doctor stood there, still in his surgical gown, his mask pulled down to his neck. He looked totally exhausted.

 

"How is he. How's Niall?" It was Liam who spoke, anxiety washing through every syllable

The doctor held up his hand for silence as each man started bombarding him with questions. They lapsed into silence, watching him anxiously. "Which one of you gentlemen is Mr Tomlinson.?" Louis raised his hand. " I have you as Mr Horan's emergency contact so If you could come with me, I'll update you as to Mr Horan's condition."

 

"You can tell us all. " Louis said, indicating the other men. "He's like our brother"

 

" Very well, then . Mr Horan came through surgery fairly well although he is still very poorly. I had to clamp and close several bleeding blood vessels and remove some scar tissue that had occurred from previous stomach damage. He'll be kept in recovery until he had regained consciousness and then he'll be moved to the ICU until we are are completely sure there will be no further bleeding. As part of his treatment, he will require some more blood transfusions but at the moment we have none of his blood group readily available as he is, unfortunately . a very rare group. We have sent out requests to see if other hospitals have what we need and hopefully some will arrive soon."

 

"I'm same group as Niall" Zayn spoke up. "I can donate". 

 

" That really would be helpful. The sooner we can transfuse him, the better . I'll get that arranged. I'll send a nurse to arrange the necessary checks and cross matching. It will at least give us a chance to get him started. Thank you" The doctor nodded. "You'll be able to see him shortly but please keep it to two people at a time. He needs quiet and rest"

 

"Will he be OK?" Harry spoke softly.

 

"He'll receive the best care. "

 

"His daughter got married today. She's on her Honeymoon. Do you think we should call her back?" Harry asked though he was scared to hear the answer.

 

"I don't think Mr Horan is in any immediate danger at the moment so, unless things change, I'll leave that decision to you." The doctor nodded then left them. Several minutes later, a nurse arrived and escorted Zayn away and the remaining young men sat down again for another long wait.

 

"Gentlemen, the doctor asked me to escort you to the ICU. "A dark haired nurse had appeared quietly in front of them. " Mr Horan has woken briefly but is now sleeping again . You are welcome to sit with him however. " They all stood and followed her . Looking through the window of Niall's room, they could see him laying there, unmoving, hooked up to various machines and with an IV slowly dripping blood into his veins. "Just two at a time, please" she reminded them.

 

"Harry, you and Liam go in" Louis said quietly. "I want to check on Zayn" The other two nodded and slipped into Niall's room whilst Louis went to find Zayn's whereabouts.

 

"In here, sir" a nurse opened the door of a small side room. Zayn was sat up on a bed, drinking a big glass of water while a cup of tea and a sandwich waited on the side table for him.

 

"You, OK Zee?" Louis asked.

 

"Yeah, I'm fine. How's Nialler? They wouldn't tell me beyond the usual "as well as can be expected. I mean, what the f.ck does that mean?"

 

"He's holding his own. Look Zee, I want to apologise for what I said. My temper got the best of me".

 

"Lou, don't.We both know I messed up. I'll never forgive myself for what I did. Now I know Ni is OK , I'm leaving. I've caused enough hurt" Louis flinched at Zayn's bitter tone.

 

"Zayn"

 

"Louis"

 

"What about Niall?" Louis asked " What do we tell him ?".

 

"Nothing, you tell him nothing. Look, go see how Niall is for me" Zayn smiled at Louis though his eyes remained emotionless. 

 

"I'll see you in a bit. You'll want to see Niall." Louis said and Zayn just smiled again, making no reply. Once Louis had left, he hurriedly ate the sandwich and stood up from the bed, slowly checking his balance. The nurse came in at that point and seeing him moving around told him he could go visit Niall if he felt alright. She gave him directions to Niall's room. Zayn thanked her and, when she had left, slowly made his own exit.

 

The boys alternated with each other for the next few hours , refusing to leave even though they were exhausted. Eventually Niall's eyes fluttered open and Liam called a nurse.

 

'Wa..water" Niall croaked and she held a cup to his lips, allowing him to sip a small amount through the straw before helping him settle him back against his pillows. He blinked in confusion, not remembering how he got to where he was. His last memory was the bright lights of the Emergency Room and a doctor asking him questions. He turned his head and saw Louis huddled into a chair next to his bed, a worried look on his face.

 

"Mate, you look awful" Niall managed to rasp out.

 

"Look better than you any day of the week, Nialler" Louis sassed back, sitting up straight. "How are you feeling?"

 

"Sore, sick. M' stomach hurts"

 

"Bound to mate. You just had surgery" Liam chipped in as he moved to stand next to the bed. 

 

"Do you remember what happened?" Harry asked. He'd slid into the room quietly and the nurse didn't shoo him out.

 

"Just remember being in pain. I was at the cemetery then the next I remember I was somehow here. But I don't know how I got here" Niall sounded very confused.

 

"Someone must have found you" Louis said then, trying to avoid Niall asking questions he didn't want to answer and praying none of the other boys would say anything. "Maybe you should stop talking and rest. We'll be back later ,"

 

'Yeah, I'm tired" Niall closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

 

"Let's go and let him sleep." Louis said then led the way out of the room. Once away from Niall he spoke again. "I'll get Zayn and we can go home and talk. We'll meet you at the car" Louis headed off and Harry and Liam made their way out of the hospital to wait from Louis and Zayn to join them.

 

Louis opened the door to the room where Zayn had been put to recover from donating blood. The room was empty. Zayn was gone.


	35. You F.cking Knew!

"Where's Zayn" Liam looked around as Louis approached the car alone.

 

"Gone. I went to get him and he wasn't there. One of the nurses saw him leave. I guess he really meant it when he said he wasn't staying around. I don't know, I'd hoped..." Louis shrugged. Zayn had never intended staying. Maybe it was for the best but didn't Niall deserve to know that Zayn had never really deserted him all those years ago? "Come on, let's go" Louis climbed in the car and waited for the other two to join him.

 

The doctor finished reading Niall's charts then briskly set about examining his patient. Niall get out a whimper as the doctor checked the incision site on his stomach. It was healing well but was still sore to the touch.

 

"Healing well, Niall. A few more days and you can think about getting out of bed and being a little more mobile. " The doctor said pleasantly.

 

"When can I go home?" Niall wanted to know. He was bored still, despite the other lads coming in daily to amuse him.

 

"Not yet. We need that stomach settled down. We also need to make sure you totally understand the dietary restrictions you'll need to have in place. I've spoken to your Management as to what you'll need while touring and they have assured me that everything will be arranged for you. They are also arranging a doctor to travel with you all to make sure you all stay fit. Niall sighed. Their new management was great, really treated them all well but this felt like all control was bring taken from him again. Was he never going to be allowed to live his own life?

 

"That's not necessary" Niall said crossly.

 

"It is" Liam said as he entered the room having overheard the conversation. "I've just been speaking to Management. I think it's a great idea, don't you, Doc?" He got a confirming node from Niall's doctor who quietly excused himself.

 

"Stop treating me like I'm a child" Niall snapped.

 

"Stop acting like one, then" Liam responded mildly. He drew up a chair started to unpack the large bag he had with him. "Fancy some FIFA?"

 

The days passed slowly but eventually Niall was considered well enough to be discharged. He groaned quietly when he realised it was just in time for the tour to begin its second stage. The plus side was that Taylor and Aoife would soon be back from from their Honeymoon. Niall had never been separated from his daughter before and he had found the last three weeks very difficult. At least he had managed to keep his hospitalisation out of the media which meant that Aoife also remained ignorant of the fact. She'd only have worried and he didn't went to ruin any aspect of her newly married life.

 

Niall was neatly folding clothes and placing them in his suitcase. He scanned his room to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Song notes! He pulled open the drawer of his bedside cabinet and pulled out the thick book where he had been writing down the lyrics for the songs he had recently been working on. . As he went to close the drawer his eyes caught the wrapping paper that had once enclosed the locket that some mysterious sender had sent Aoife. He'd hung on to it hoping to solve the mystery but nothing had come to mind yet. The same handwriting that was on the wrapping paper was also on the note accompanying the beautiful flowers that had been left on Caoimhe's grave. Niall sat down on his bed and put both writing samples side by side. Yes, they definitely were the same. He rubbed his forehead tiredly. It made no sense at all. The locket, had been wildly expensive but in excellent taste. Who would send such a gift anonymously? The flowers for Caoimhe were equally stunning, all of them her favorites. It all spoke clearly of someone who knew them and felt comfortable making these gestures but…..........."

 

"Nialler? You there?" Liam yelled from downstairs. "Come on, mate. Tay and Aoife have just pulled up outside". Niall instantly threw down the note and the wrappings and raced downstairs, eager to hug his tiny daughter. He'd missed her so much.

 

It was a very happy group that had joined together to spend time with the newly married couple. Aoife and Taylor showed all their vacation photographs and they all watched the wedding video together, laughing at the footage from the Reception showing Niall, Harry, Louis and Liam dancing, or rather trying to dance during the evening. The videographer had panned around the guests at various points during the evening and Niall suddenly found his attention taken by someone who was standing well back, almost completely in the shadows. There was something about the silhouette pinged on the very edge of his memory but it remained an elusive memory. He dismissed it from his mind and rejoined the conversation.

 

When everyone had left, Niall spent a a hour picking up around the house and getting everything straight. The car was coming quite early the next morning to take him and the other band members to the airport. They were flying out to the USA to continue the next stage of the tour. Niall was really looking forward to it. He was feeling quite well again. It irritated him that he wasn't allowed any alcohol and only allowed bland food but he supposed it was a small price to pay considering it would prevent the return of his stomach issues. The only fly in the ointment was the fact that he was going to have to put up with constantly being monitored by the Tour Doctor. Niall caught sight of the clock and headed off to bed. The morning would come only too soon.

 

Niall stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his waist then grabbed another to dry his hair as he walked back into his bedroom. His suitcase and the abandoned notes were still on his bed. He snapped the suitcase shut and put it by the door before collecting up the wrapping paper and note, shoving them back in the drawer before climbing into bed where he soon fell asleep. His dreams were filled with strange , shadowy figures, flowers and notes. He woke up to his alarm shrilling, feeling exhausted .

 

Niall checked everything one last time to make sure nothing had been forgotten. Now where had he written down Aoife's new cell phone number? Had he put it in his wallet? He opened it up and started checking through various bits of paper he'd stashed there. There was one, slightly dog eared piece of paper. He pulled it out .  
opened it and read:

 

"Nialler, I know you are mad at me but please don't hate me. I know you didn't want me to do what I did but I just had to prevent the media knowing the truth about things. I couldn't bear the thought of them destroying you with their speculation and lies. It was the only way I could protect you. That Carly Evans is pure evil and she'd have stopped at nothing to get her story. I couldn't let her do that, not to you, not to any of the boys..

 

Ni, Management have got me over a barrel. You know we have both been forbidden to say what happened in Hong Kong and they won't let that be known but if they can get any milage out of recent events, they will. Simon knew what I had planned to do. He wasn't thrilled at the way I was going to do it but he is on our side. He tried to talk me out of it, even gave Louis my private number to see if I'd listen to him. He did his best but though I listened to what he said , I never had any intention of doing what you all wanted.

 

Tell the boys I am sorry I didn't stick around after the TV interview. I wanted to protect you all from Management as I am supposed to have absolutely no contact with you. I didn't want to be seen talking to any of you which is why I ignored you all during the interview and left as soon as I could. I was so scared when you collapsed but knew I had to vanish. I just hope Management don't punish you for my breaking the rules.

 

The five years I had with the four of you were the best I have ever known.. I know I wasn't as whole heartedly into it all as the rest of you but you all wormed your way into my heart, especially you Ni. You were, and still are, the precious little brother I never had. Even though I am not with you anymore, I will always feel the need to protect you. It's something big brothers do so you'll just have to put up with it.

 

Nialler, you can get through this, I know you can. I know you'll struggle at times and things will maybe get so hard you want to give up. But promise me that you won't. You're a fighter Ni. So fight this every step of the way. And I have one more promise that I want you to make to me. Please? This is important to me. Niall, promise that you'll never, ever try and take your own life again. The world without you in it would be too hard to even contemplate , especially for me.

 

I keep having to hide in the bathroom when I hear the nurses coming to check on you. I'm not supposed to be here but I can't come during the day and risk running into the boys or anyone from Management. Please tell the lads that I'm sorry I disappointed them and didn't listen but we all have to follow the path that is meant for us. The media has already labelled me the 'bad boy' and Management have encouraged that. It made sense for me to be the one to do something stupid so I know it has put them off the scent. Better them know about my suicide attempt than yours. And there had already been rumours about me regarding that, anyway. You'll be safe now from their delving.

 

I'll be back in the US by the time you read this. I am going to stay out of your lives now. I want you to know that even though our paths won't cross again, I will always love my four brothers. Stay safe for me, little bro.

 

Your big brother,

Zayn.

 

It was the letter Zayn had written to him all those years ago. Niall suddenly sat down on the bed, the hand holding the note was shaking. He stared at it, eyes filled with tears then something in his memory pulled at him. He reached into the bedside cabinet drawer and pulled out the papers he'd stuffed in there. He held them next to the letter. The writing was identical!!

Is Niall OK?" Liam sidled up to Louis and spoke quietly into his ear as he kept his eyes on Niall who was huddled into a corner of the couch, staring blankly ahead of himself.

 

"Honest answer? I don't know" Louis responded frowning as he followed Liam's gaze. "He's been very quiet since we restarted the tour. The doc cleared him health wise but something's not right. I dunno, mate. Maybe we should try talking to him".

 

"Tried. Got brushed off" Liam admitted. "He said he was fine . Maybe he's just missing Aoife?"

 

"Nah, it's more than that. " Louis said "Maybe Harry'll have more luck. I'll speak to him after soundcheck".

 

"Lads, they are ready for you" A stage hand stuck his head around the door and Liam and Louis walked out slowly followed by Niall who seemed to be locked in some sort of daze.

 

Robbie gave them the thumbs up. "Great lads. You guys go get some rest before tonight. Niall, the Doc wants to do your medication now so if you'll get over to the bus, he can get it sorted" Robbie waved at them before turning back. He was part of the Management team the boys had signed up to when they had finished their hiatus all those years ago and was very popular with the lads, becoming more of a personal friend than Management.

 

Niall walked over to the tour bus and entered quietly. The doctor was waiting for him, the IV stand all ready for Niall's weekly infusion of the drug that now was the only thing that kept the MS from progressing. Niall shuddered. Even after going through Chemo all those years ago, having had many blood transfusions and now the weekly IVs, he still hated needles. He smiled at the doctor that Management had arranged to tour with them and settled himself down on the couch.

 

"Comfy?" Doctor Radcliff asked and got a nod in response. He cleaned up the canula site with an antiseptic wipe, and slide the IV needle in ,making Niall hiss slightly, then he adjusted the drip. "You know the drill, take a nap and it'll be done in no time." The doctor picked up a light throw and covered Niall before sticking a softer pillow behind his head. Niall obediently closed his eyes and the doctor cast an experienced eye over the drip before retreating to a near by chair and picking up his book, read quietly .

 

Niall stayed asleep when the machine beeped, signalling the end of the treatment. The doctor quietly and carefully disconnected everything, placing a bandaid over the small puncture wound left by the canula.That done, he used Niall's relaxed sleep to check his temperature and blood pressure which were all normal, much to his relief. He'd noticed Niall becoming more withdrawn as the tour went on but could find no reason for it. He'd just make sure he kept an eye on Niall as he had been warned by Management that Niall was one for downplaying every illness and hiding problems.

 

"Ni? NIaller?" Harry spoke softly, not wanting to wake up his sleeping band mate too abruptly.He gently shook Niall's shoulder".

 

"Mmmh, M'awake" Niall opened his bleary eyes. "What's the time?".

 

"6:30pm. Time to eat then get ready for the concert" Harry helped Niall sit then pulled him up from the couch. "Come on, let's go eat" He kept an arm over Niall's shoulder as they walked towards the Stadium. "I think 'Irish Stew' is on the menu" and smiled as Niall's eyes lit up. Once they had collected their plates of food, Harry sat down opposite Niall and wondered how to approach the conversation. Liam and Louis had come to him while Niall was asleep and expressed their concerns, explaining Niall had brushed them both off and asking Harry to try. Harry reluctantly agreed though he did think that Liam, as Daddy Direction, was better at this type of thing. He sighed internally. Better get this over with.

 

"Ni?" Niall raised his eyes from his plate and looked up, waiting for Harry to continue. "What's bothering you, mate?"

 

"Nuthin' " Niall said, looking down again.

 

"Niall!" this time Harry's voice held a slight tone of warning, making Niall sigh and put down his cutlery.

 

"Just got a lot on my mind. Nothing for you guys to worry about" Niall said quietly.

 

"Then if it's nothing to worry about, you won't mind sharing" Harry countered.

 

"All right, all right" Niall caved in. "The person who left flowers on Caoimhe's grave and the person who sent Aoife the locket are the same person".

 

"OK, you said that before, so…..?"

 

"The night before we left for this tour, I found a letter written to me years ago. It was in the very same handwriting" Niall paused and looked into Harry's face " It was...it was Zayn". It seemed to Niall like the world had become totally silent as all background noise appeared to disappear as he studied Harry's suddenly sombre face that held absolutely no hint of shock or surprise. Harry merely nodded though he was inwardly cursing. None of them had ever dreamed that Niall would recognise Zayn's writing after all these years . They'd tried to keep it from Niall and thought they'd succeeded . Damn!

 

."You knew!" Niall suddenly erupted into anger "You f.cking knew!" His chair fell over as he stood up rapidly and raced from the room, Harry staring after him . Now the sh*t had truly hit the fan.. He hurried after him. By the time Harry had caught up with him, NIall had Louis up against the wall and was shouting at him, every other word a curse. Liam was trying to calm the Irishman down but Niall was incandescent with rage. He felt betrayed. His band members had known all along and kept it from him. They were his mates, his brothers. And he had trusted them. Niall gave Louis a final glare then, pushing Liam out of his path, hurried from the room back towards the tour bus. He flung himself onto the couch . He sat there, staring at the ceiling, willing himself to calm down. How could they? They knew, all this time and they hid it from him. What else were they hiding?. He wanted answers but they would have to wait. Taking some deep, calming breaths, Niall returned to the Stadium. 

 

Niall quietly dressed for the show, ignoring all attempts that the other three men made to engage him in conversation. He kept away from the boys on stage, moving away from them if any of them got too close. He waved to the fans and smiled but it was a struggle. He knew he had to try and act a bit more like his normal self but he felt so betrayed by those he had trusted.

 

Show finished, Niall didn't wait for the others, he went straight back to the bus, trying to organise his thoughts. He wanted answers and he wanted them now. The boys had better be prepared to tell him the truth or he was walking. He couldn't work with them if they were constantly hiding things from him. Niall chewed his fingernails nervously as he huddled on the couch awaiting the return of the other three. He didn't have to wait long.

 

"Just what have you three been f.cking hiding?" Niall snarled at them as they stood looking at him

Liam was the first to move. He sat down opposite Niall and motioned to Harry and Louis to do the same. Niall glared at them all, his hands clenching and unclenching into fists. His shoulders were stiff with tension and his normally bright blue eyes were slate grey, reflecting his angry mood. Liam closed his eyes and composed himself before speaking.

 

"Look Ni, I know you're really angry with us but please would you listen to us? We didn't want you to find out this way" Liam began.

 

"Find out this way? You never intended for me to find out at all, did you?" Niall spat angrily at Liam.

 

"No" Liam admitted " but it's not what it appears so would you please give me a chance to tell you?" Liam pleaded, his soft brown eyes showing his own pain. None of the lads had ever intended Niall to be hurt. They...and Zayn...just wanted to protect him. Maybe they had been wrong but they had only held the best intentions."I don't know where to begin" Liam looked helplessly at Louis.

 

"Ni, we've only known since Aoife and Tay's wedding" Louis took over, patting Liam's shoulder comfortingly. "You remember when you went to take Aoife's bouquet to Caoimhe's grave and you found the other flowers and card?" Niall nodded, his eyes boring into Louis'. "Well, Zayn was there. He saw you coming and managed to hide. It was him that called 911 and got you help though we didn't know until we got the message you had been taken to hospital. We raced there and found Zayn in your room, sitting with you, holding your hand." Louis paused, taking in a deep breath.

 

"Why was Zayn there?" Niall asked, his voice sounding harsh with tension.

 

"Ah..mmmh…Aoife sent him an invitation to the wedding" Louis admitted sheepishly and Niall's mouth dropped open with shock.

 

"Aoife invited him!" Niall was shocked. The silhouette he'd seen in the wedding video!. Of course! Now he knew what had made it appear so familiar. It had been Zayn lurking in the shadows. How did Aoife even know about Zayn? His daughter would have some explaining to do but right now, Niall needed to find out what had been happening.

 

"Mate, we spoke with Zayn while you were in surgery. Had a big fight actually" Louis said quietly. " I was so mad he'd deserted you. Turns out he's been keeping an eye on you all these years. He's even talked to you" Louis looked down at his lap then up at Niall. 

 

"No, he hasn't" Niall said immediately. Every time I've tried to contact him, it's been ignored or blocked.

 

"He's Alibaba"Louis responded." He's spoken to us all" Niall immediately went to all the Instagram and Twitter conversations they'd all had with the quirky 'Alibaba'. They'd followed him for years. How had he not known, not realised it was Zayn, all this time?

 

"Ni, I know you're mad at us, mad at him but we all care about you. We just were all trying to protect you".

 

" Care about me ? Protect me? By lying to me?" Niall shouted as he stood up, pacing around the small space as he ran his hands repeatedly through his hair.

 

"We do care Ni. Zayn cares too. Mate, he's always kept an eye on you. Apparently, he visited you when you were having the stem cell treatment. Just used to watch you sleep. He donated his blood for you, that time ,and again this time, because he knew you'd need it, being a rare group. It was him that took the photo of you and Caoimhe that was in Aoife's locket. I guess he kinda stalked you. Mate, please" Harry pleaded with Niall " he never left, he just stayed out of sight"

"Where's Zayn now?" Niall demanded "Run again?"

 

"He left, vanished. We haven't seen him since. Actually I'm really worried" Louis said anxiously. "Guys, you should have seen his arms and torso..I've not seen so many cuts in my life . I didn't know Zee did that".

 

"I did. Well, at least I knew he was capable of doing it. I saw his wrists." Niall said, finally stopping his pacing and sitting down " I found out when he came that time, when I.....you know...." Niall didn't want to mention his second suicide attempt. Didn't want to think about it too closely. G*d, what state was Zayn in that he'd been cutting so badly? Niall felt his anger slipping away as worry took it's place. Zayn had promised him that he'd talk to Niall if things got bad, just like Niall had promised the same to him. Why was there now an invisible but impervious wall between them both. Why? He dropped his head into his hands as he tried to make sense of everything he'd just heard. To hear that Zayn had been looking out for him all these years yet never once let him know. Never once betrayed his presence. Niall's feelings wavered between hurt that Zayn had hidden from him, and thankfulness Zayn had still cared about him, that he was still Zayn's 'little bro'.

 

"He needs help" Liam, now in complete 'Daddy Direction' mode said "but how do we make sure he gets it? How do we contact him?"

 

"Alibaba" Louis said and pulled out his phone and logged into Twitter. "F.ck" he said after a few minutes " This account does not exist..f.ck. He's done it again"

 

"There has to be a way. After all, Aoife contacted him. How did she manage that?" Niall said hopefully.

 

"She sent it to his Management team. But Ni, we've tried that in the past and nothing, Zip, nada" Louis said bluntly. "I guess we have to accept that Zayn wants us at arms length and has backed away again". He paused then yawned widely. "I'm turning in. I'm exhausted" He walked towards the bunks, head down.

 

"Me too" Harry said. "It's been a long day. I'll see you guys tomorrow." He stretched his long arms up above his head as he too yawned and disappeared after Louis.

 

"Ni, you should get some sleep" Liam moved to sit next to Niall and wrapped a comforting arm around his friend "You know you're not to get overtired and this stress isn't good for you. Try get some sleep". He stood then and coaxed Niall to his feet, pushing him gently towards the sleeping quarters. 

 

"Li?" NIall's voice was soft, his accent even thicker than normal, a sure indication of his state of mind. "Why all the cloak and dagger stuff . Why didn't Zayn just stay in touch? Why hide?"

 

"He did it all with good intentions, Nialler" Liam spoke thoughtfully.

"They say the road to H*ll is paved with them" Niall said bitterly

" Huh? Paved with what ?" Liam was confused.

"Good intentions" was the reply and Niall climbed, still fully clothed into his bunk, pulling the curtain closed.


	36. It Hurts, Doesn't It?

"I can't believe this is going to be the final One Direction Concert" Harry said in amazement at how fast time had flown by for them . "The reunion tour has just gone so fast, it seems like it's only been a few weeks and not those many months".

 

"Yeah, I know what you mean, mate" Liam answered "It's been cool though, and the fans have enjoyed it. You know, if I'm honest, I never expected them to come in such numbers. I mean, they've been filling the stadiums , just like they did when we toured when we were younger. It was like we never stopped for all those years. What' ya think Nialler?"

 

"Best fans on the planet" Niall smiled as he spoke. "They always promised they would stay for us and they did." He lapsed back into what had now become his habitual silence.

 

"Where's Lou?" Harry suddenly asked, noticing that they were missing their noisiest member of the band. At one time Niall had had that title but he had stayed withdrawn, increasingly quiet since finding out that the other lads had actually seen Zayn. He never mentioned it to them and they were too nervous to bring up the subject themselves. It was like Zayn had never been part of Niall's life though they all knew the deep pain Niall still felt inside. They understood. Niall's life had been so intertwined with Zayn's own but now either of them were in contact. When the boys had discussed the Niall/Zayn situation amongst themselves, they all agreed that if only Zayn would see Niall, the rift , if you could call it that, would be healed but Zayn had kept his distance . How did one describe the situation between Niall and Zayn? It wasn't even as if they had argued. Zayn had a major place Niall's heart and, just as Caoimhe's death had ripped a huge hole there, so had Zayn's leaving and Niall's heart seemed destined never to be in one whole piece again.

 

As if the mention of his name had drawn him like a magnet, Louis suddenly bounced into the room, his eyes glittering with suppressed excitement as he loudly announced it was time for the sound check. He stood aside as Niall passed through the door then gave a single nod of the head to the other two men before preceding them to the stage. Liam and Harry exchanged looks. Louis was a in strange mood today and that usually boded ill. Mischief was afoot. Sound check satisfactorily completed, Niall and Liam were meeting up with Aoife and Taylor for lunch. Taylor worked for his dad and was proving to already have a good grasp of the music industry. Aoife had decided to follow in her mothers footsteps and train as a nurse. The young couple were already seated when Liam and Niall arrived at the restaurant. Once they had all ordered their food, Aoife turned to Taylor and they smiled at each other before Aoife took a deep breath, then handed her Da and Liam each a sheet of paper. Niall's jaw dropped and Liam looked equally stunned.They both looked at each other then back to the papers in their hands while Aoife and Taylor waited nervously.

 

"Da?" Aoife broke the silence. "Da, say something."

 

"I….oh Aoife….how did this happen" Niall said.

 

"Well, " said Aoife cheekily ". I thought you knew about the birds and the bees, Da, but I'll explain it all to you if you want. Taylor and I …."

 

"No, no....I didn't mean that. I mean I know how it happened. I'm just........" Niall spluttered, blushing furiously. He'd never got over his embarrassment about these things even after all these years. He looked so adorable, with his cheeks crimson , making the other three smile at his obvious confusion.

 

"Mate, looks like we're officially going to be Granddads ! " Liam leant around the table and pulled first Aoife , then Taylor, into a hug. "Congrats guys. We'll be really cool, young granddaddies."

 

"Aoife" Niall's eyes were bright with tears "my little Aoife". Aoife stood up and went and knelt in front of her father, reaching to wrap her arms tightly around his waist.

 

"Are you happy?" she asked and got a nod of the head. Niall was too emotional to speak. Where had the time gone? One moment he'd been holding a tiny baby in his arms and now that same child would soon be holding her own little one in her arms. Niall smiled down at her and hugged back. If there was one pain that hurt him, it was the pain of knowing Caoimhe would never hold her grandchild. He pushed the pain down, smiling for Aoife. 

 

"When's Baby due" Liam asked once the initial shock had worn off.

 

" Just under six months time" Taylor answered looking as if he could barely wait that long. He was almost bouncing with joy.

 

"But that means you're already three month along" Niall said, frowning as he mentally checked his math. "You never said a word" his tone was slight hurt. He stared down at Aoife's tummy which showed no sign of her pregnancy. "Are you sure?" he asked, trying to think back to when Caoimhe was carrying Aoife. When did she show?

 

"I know Da, we just wanted to make sure things were OK before we said anything.. And yes, I am sure." She smiled on seeing the slightly bewildered expression on her Dad's face ." I didn't want you worrying. I know what you're like." Aoife said placatingly. "You know stress and worry aren't good for you." She patted his hand comfortingly then stood to her feet, Niall carefully helping her ,as if she had suddenly become as delicate as spun glass. Liam smiled to himself, remembering how Niall had been with Caoimhe. So protective of her yet unable to have prevented the accident that robbed him of his wife ,and Aoife of her mummy.

 

"Don't hide stuff from me again, Aoife Maebh" Niall said, trying to sound stern and just ended up sounding adorably sweet."You shouldn't hide stuff. What if something had happened ? " he fretted.

 

"You can talk" Liam retorted swiftly. "You are the world's worst for that". He ruffled Niall's hair and Niall grinned sheepishly. Liam had him there. And Aoife, being his daughter, had obviously inherited some of his worst traits along with the better ones.

 

The meal ended on a celebratory note but both Niall and Liam had floated out of the restaurant on a cloud of equal measures of happiness and concern. They both definitely had unspoken concerns. Grandparents ! Niall wasn't quite sure if he and Liam were totally ready for this, barely in their forties as they were. And Aoife and Taylor were so young, little more than babies themselves.Still, a little one was on the way and there was no going back. 

 

Niall was even quieter than ever on the drive back to the stadium. Liam glanced sideways at him from time to time, wondering what was going through his friend's mind these days. He was bound to worry about Aoife and her pregnancy couldn't help but bring back unhappy memories for Niall but more and more , it seemed that Niall had some how diminished..He parked the car and unbuckled his seatbeat but Niall still sat there, staring ahead.

 

"Niall, we're here" Liam spoke softly, not wanting to suddenly jar Niall out of his thoughts. "Come on mate, time to be One Direction one more time.". Niall gave him a half smile and got out of the car, Liam following. Liam suddenly felt butterflies churning in his stomach. He'd always been nervous before they did concerts but this anxious feeling was on a whole new level. Something like panic was beginning to settle in and he started to go pale. Niall turned and looked at Liam, over his shoulder.

 

"You alright mate, you look pale as a ghost ?".

Liam excused himself and headed rapidly towards the restroom. The butterflies in his stomach had turned into a massive churning mess and he felt it was about to explode. Pushing through the door, he made it just in time for his recent lunch to make a violent reappearance . He continued to gag into the toilet bowl until he was ejecting nothing but acid from his tummy. He reached out, flushed away the mess , and stood, feeling limp, before rinsing out his mouth and splashing cool water onto his sweaty face. How did he ever agree to this? They were on dangerous ground that had the power to break under them. And what would be the cost? Da*n Louis and his plans.! He headed back to the joint room the boys used for relaxing , where Louis was sprawled across the couch, playing with his phone. Louis looked up as he entered and frowned at the look on Liam's face but remained silent, looking at his bandmate steadily. Liam returned the look, his face totally blank of expression. Louis sighed quietly then looked back down at his phone and started to rapidly text.

 

"Li, you OK? You look sick, bro." Harry said in his deep voice, a look of concern on his face as he turned around from grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge, rubbing the ice-cold water over his hot forehead. The room was stiflingly warm, despite the various fans dotted around the place.

 

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just parted company with my lunch" he admitted, in as off hand a manner as he could manage . " It must have disagreed with me" Liam was brushing it off as if it was a mere nothing. Harry didn't say anything but scrutinised Liam's face silently before nodding. Liam breathed out in relief. The last thing they needed now was him sick and the others stressed and worried about him. This was their final show, their swan song , and nothing must go wrong. He felt the butterflies begin to churn again as that thought floated through his mind. 

 

"By the way, Congrats ,mate" Louis suddenly joined the conversation, his texting apparently finished. "Niall told us the great news. I've not seen such a genuine smile on his face since this part of the tour started. He's like a dog with two tails over it. I just hope this doesn't revive bad memories for him. At least this will all be done and dusted and you'll both be back home when the baby is due. That should help" .

 

"That was one of the worst times of my life, of our lives " Liam shuddered as he remembered the day that Bobby had flown over to tell Niall about the accident that had ultimately ended with Caoimhe's death. The days and months afterwards of watching Niall shut himself away, caring for Aoife like a robot, emotionless and withdrawn. "Ni has been through so much that he deserves something to go right for him.Where is our little leprechaun, by the way?"

 

"He's gone to the bus. He's got the starts of a migraine so he's hoping our doc will have something to stop it developing. I guess excitement and stress has triggered it." Harry said as he finally opened his bottle of water and took a long drink. "I guess we'd better start thinking about getting changed soon, nearly time to get this show on the road. I'll see you guys later for the warm-up" " Harry wandered off in the direction of his dressing room. Louis pulled out a packet of cigarettes and went to light one up.

 

"That's my cue to leave leave" Liam said quickly. "Are you ever going to ditch that habit?" he looked over his shoulder at Louis, who was taking a long pull on his cigarette. Louis just shrugged in response and Liam shook his head and closed the door behind him. His own head started to throb and his stomach felt sore. Maybe he'd follow Niall's example and go see the doc. At the very least, it wouldn't hurt.

 

Niall had walked slowly over the bus. His head was starting it's familiar one sided pounding . The zigzag flashes that heralded the beginning of a migraine has ended and the pain was kicking in. He stumbled slightly up the steps and went in, calling softly for the doctor. A woman suddenly appeared in front of him and, noting his pale face and slow movements, took his arm and guided him to a seat.

 

"Who are you?" Niall asked in confusion "Where's the doc?"

 

" I am the doctor" She smiled at him as she spoke " Graeham has been called home because of a family emergency. I'm covering for him whilst he's away. I'm Doctor Marks...Jocintha…Jacey ". She studied at him, trying to put a name to him. Ah, Niall...the Irish one. " What can I do for you, Niall?" she asked pleasantly.

 

"M' just started a migraine and we are due on stage soon. I need it to stop." Niall sounded desperate.

 

"I have just the thing that will help" She turned away, scanned Niall's notes swiftly then and started rummaging in a large cabinet where all the main mediations were kept so that they were always to hand. She located what she was looking for and prepared it before turning towards Niall. "You'll need to drop your pants, honey. It has to go into your thigh". Niall gulped as he saw the needle in her hand then blushed at having to comply with her request. Doctor or not, he'd never totally got over his shyness about his body. And she was also very pretty, he thought. He did as he was bid and closed his eyes. G*d, he hated needles. "All done" . Niall opened his eyes, startled. He had barely felt it. 

 

"Nialler, I hope you are behaving yourself" Liam teased as he came up behind them . Niall rapidly pulled up his jeans that had fallen down to his knees and blushed furiously.

 

"I was just having an injection" Niall burbled nervously " to stop the migraine" he continued by way of explanation.

 

"Relax, bro. Just teasing. I saw" Liam grinned at him "Will it work?" he asked the doctor who stood quietly, syringe still in her hand.

 

"Give it ten minutes and he'll certainly feel better. Niall, take these as well."She put aside the used syringe and picked up a small bottle and shook two pills into Niall's hand. "They're anti nausea pills. Should prevent you feeling sick".

 

"Can I have some of those , too" Liam asked "I've just been sick and we're due on stage soon".

 

"Let's have a look at you first" Jacey replied " I'll need to examine you first" She went back to the medication cabinet and hauled out some Manilla folders that contained the mens medical information. "And you are ...?"

 

"Liam. Liam Payne" He smiled at her briefly .

 

"Liam" She selected the correct file and read through quickly. " Ok, let's have a look"

 

"Who wants tea? " Niall asked as he headed towards the small kitchen, leaving the Doctor to see to his bandmate. He also wanted to avoid the sight of any more needles. He shuddered at the mere thought.

 

Liam sat there, minus his shirt as Jacey started checking him over. "You've a bit of a temperature and your blood pressure is a little high" she remarked . "Open wide" . Liam obediently opened his mouth and she looked at his throat. "Good" she murmured. "Now, why do you want anti nausea medication?"

 

"I ..uh. was sick before I got here. Lost my lunch. Probably pre show nerves combined with excitement. I'm going to be a grandfather" Liam couldn't keep the grin off his face.

 

"You're young for that" Jacey commented. She handed Liam a few of the pills. "OK, you seem ok so I'll let you have these. Please tell me if you feel worse at any time." Liam thanked her and swallowed them quickly just as Niall reappeared with a tray holding three mugs of tea.

 

"How's the head, Niall?" Jacey asked. Niall put the tray down and gave her the thumbs up.

 

"It's gone, like magic" Niall gave her a swift grin "worth having needles shoved in me".

 

"You enjoying being with us?" Liam asked as he handed Jacey her mug of tea.. "Are you staying for the interviews and stuff we have to do in the next few weeks or is it just today you're with us?"

 

"I'm here until all your commitments are finished" Jacey said ,smiling. "Actually, I am really looking forward to it."

 

"Doesn't your husband mind you being away?" Liam asked, noting the wedding band Jacey wore.

 

"My husband was killed in action in Afganistan" Jacey spoke quietly, a gleam of tears in her eyes. "So pointless, it was blue on blue". Liam reached out and gave her a gentle hug, regretting having brought up the subject.

 

"It hurts, doesn't it" Niall's voice was gentle, understanding. "You learn to live with it, get on with life, but it still hurts". Niall put his mug down and walked away. They heard the bus door closing behind him.

 

"Niall lost his wife. They'd not been married very long. She was pregnant with their baby and the doctors were able to keep her alive long enough for Aoife to be born. She's married to my son and they are expecting their expecting her own baby now. I think it'll be hard on Niall. He worships Aoife and this is bound to bring back bad memories. He's had a rough ride" Liam's voice held all the pain he felt for his brother of the heart. He just prayed that nothing else would cause him more pain. How much could one person survive?

 

"I saw from his medical file" Jacey said. "Poor man. He's gone through so much . Life isn't fair, sometimes". 

 

"No" said Liam "it isn't. And there has been hurt and pain that no medical file will ever cover." He spoke sombrely. His phone buzzed then and he quickly read the text. "Looks like I have to get moving".

 

"I'll come with you. I think I am supposed to be at the side of the stage? I'm not sure. Graeham didn't have time to fill me in on everything".

 

"Yeah, he always stayed stage side. Mainly because of Niall. I'll walk you over" He picked up her bag and led the way out.

 

"You're on in five" A member of the stage crew started to round the boys up so they could have their power packs for the mikes attached to the back of their jeans. The lads then got in into their pre show huddle. Hands joined in the center.

 

"Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's off to work we go. One, two, three...OneD! they yelled in unison. Niall looked at their hands all joined together.He suddenly felt all the air being sucked out of his lungs and his world went black. Liam screamed

 

"Jacey!"

Strong arms caught Niall and slowly lowered his limp body down to the floor, carefully supporting him so he didn't hurt himself. Niall's eyelashes fluttered slightly then his blue eyes opened, a confused look on his face as he looked into the golden brown eyes of the man who was cradling him in his arms. He blinked in shock then Jacey arrived swiftly at his side, pushing everyone out of her way so that she could check on him. Niall tried to escape from her ministrations but she tried to refuse to allow it.

"Stay still, Niall. Let's just make sure you're ok" Jacey said firmly but Niall wasn't in the mood to listen to her and struggled to his feet, swaying slightly, clutching onto Zayn, his face white with shock from seeing the very last person he ever thought he'd see again.

 

"M'fine, " Niall whispered, moving away from her and clinging to the tall man who was looking at him, head tilted to one side, a worried expression on his face.He smiled gently at the smaller, blond man as he steadied him on his feet.

 

"Hey, bro. You, OK?" he asked softly.

 

"Z.Z...Zayn?" Niall stammered. "You're here" And suddenly he was wrapped up in a tight hug. Zayn kept blinking, trying to prevent the tears that were filling his eyes from pouring down his face. He didn't know how he felt as he was assaulted by so many emotions. Louis stood looking at them both, smirking slightly. His planning had worked. Harry caught his eye, and glared at him and Louis sighed softly. He knew neither Harry or Liam had agreed with him but Niall and Zayn had to be given the opportunity to sort themselves out, to repair the damage.They were worried that Zayn would again disappear and that, having seen him, Niall would never be able to recover from the devastation that would cause him but Louis was sure Zayn was not going to disappear, at least not tonight.

 

"Niall, please" Jacey arrived at his side ."I must insist that I check you are alright. You just collapsed on me. You are not going on stage until I know that you are well enough to do so"

 

"I'm fine, really fine" Niall started to argue with her but she wasn't prepared to listen. Once Niall realised that Jacey fully intended to hold up the concert until she had satisfied herself that her patient really was all right, he gave in and allowed her to take him to his dressing room to examine him. He fidgeted the whole time, the others glancing at the clock as they hovered anxiously around him. Niall kept his eyes on Zayn, half afraid the man would vanish into thin air if Niall didn't keep him in plain sight.

 

"You seem to be fine" Jacey finally admitted. "Your blood pressure is a bit high though".

 

" Pre show nerves " Nialll said dismissively "Good, let's do the show."Niall shrugged his Tshirt on quickly and stood up. He looked at Zayn "You'll stay? You won't leave?" he asked anxiously.

 

"I'll be here . I'll stay at the side of the stage where you can see me. " Zayn promised "I'm not leaving. We'll talk" . Niall nodded and followed the other lads out. Talking would have to wait, there was a show to do.

 

"We've had a great time and we are so glad you came to share it with us. You've always been here for us and we can't thank you enough. We've been One Direction" Liam called out to the fans and they all left the stage as the fans erupted into a wall of sound.

 

"That was amazing" Louis said as he bounced into room where all the boys gathered to unwind. Zayn was sat on the couch, smiling slightly as the rest of the boys followed Louis, Niall bringing up the rear.

 

"Bro?" Zayn spoke softly and patted the seat next to him. Niall walked slowly over then curled up next to him, allowing Zayn to wrap his arms around Niall in a hug. "You have no idea just how much I missed you" Zayn's voice was so quiet, he might have only been talking to himself.

 

"But you left me" Niall sat up sharply, suddenly angry "You left me. You f.cking promised you'd always be there for me and you weren't. You lied to me Zayn" Much to Niall's horror, he felt hot tears pouring from his eyes. He'd meant to be calm, to talk reasonably but the anger, sense of loss and more than a decade's worth of pain had robbed him of control. Zayn had left him, had broken every promise he'd ever made to Niall and here he was, acting like nothing had happened. Liam beckoned to Harry and Louis , and they slipped silently from the room. Niall and Zayn needed to settle this themselves and Liam could see that Harry was already upset on seeing Niall so angry and distressed. Liam was also afraid that Louis was likely to add fuel to the fire if he thought Zayn was going to cause Niall too much upset.

 

Niall's small fists beat on Zayn's chest as Niall shouted at him until he finally collapsed, suddenly drained. Zayn had sat still, allowing Niall to hit him, some instinct keeping him from reacting. Niall needed to do this and Zayn deserved it. Once Niall had subsided into small hiccups and his breath was ceasing to hitch, Zayn pulled him into his chest and smoothed Niall's hair as he spoke gently and calmly to his friend.

 

"I did what I thought was right at the time, Ni" Zayn's tone was cautious. "You know the cr*p we were all dealing with, the things we had to agree to. I thought that if I left and didn't contact you, I'd protect you. You'd be fine without me. I convinced myself it was what was best for you, that you didn't need me. That I was the only one who'd suffer. It didn't work, did it?" he shook his head. "If I could undo it all, go back in time, it would be different. I'd be different. But I can't , Niall. What's done is done". Zayn lapsed into silence."I can't alter the past, no matter how much we both want that."

 

"I missed you, I needed you. You were the one person I thought would understand" Niall said brokenly.

 

"I missed you, bro, so much. IT was so bad that I used to stalk you" Zayn admitted sheepishly. "I sneaked into the hospital and would sit and watch you sleep at night. I'd go to the concerts, follow you around the park when you played with your daughter. I just never got caught" He grinned as he remembered his antics." I know you didn't know, didn't see me, but I never left you Niall, not really".

 

"Will you go again?" Niall asked slowly "Is this just for tonight, you'll leave again?"

 

"Only if you want me to leave Niall, but it won't be willingly. I want the chance to rebuild our friendship. I know you can't forgive me, but I'll do everything I can to prove I'm sorry. I just want a chance". Zayn looked at Niall's face which now wore a strange expression, as if Niall had gone somewhere in his memory.

 

"I just want a chance" Niall repeated. "I remember saying those exact same words, years ago. I just wanted the chance to beat MS. I was given that chance. I guess I can do the same for you, I'll give you that chance, Zee".

"That's all I ask, Nialler" Zayn's voice choked with emotion."I don't deserve it but I want to prove I really am sorry. I want to put things right."

 

"Don't let me down." Niall gave Zayn a watery grin. "C'mon. Lets go see the lads. We've got all of One D back together. Let's celebrate."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zayn is back :-)


	37. I Mean….F.ck…..Ooops…..Sorry!

The five men all piled into the tour bus and collapsed on the couches, talking to each other and across each other. There were a few awkward pauses, conversations that suddenly stopped then abruptly changed subject, but it somehow felt right that the four were once again five. Niall radiated happiness, almost bouncing in his seat as they all got caught up with each others lives once more. But the energy had to bleed away and Niall tiredly leant his head back against the back of the couch, closing his eyes briefly to rest them. But they stayed obstinately shut and he succumbed to sleep.

 

"Awww" Liam suddenly said and they stopped talking and followed the direction of his eyes. "Ni's crashed". Liam stood up and carefully scooped up his sleeping bandmate. Zayn frowned, rather shocked at how easy Liam appeared to find the movement.Liam saw his expression and said quietly "He's very light these days" before walking through the bus to the bunks. He lay Niall down, pulled off his shoes, and swiftly stripped off his jeans, before tucking him under the bed covers. Liam pulled across the privacy curtain and returned to the others.

 

"Now Ni is asleep, we can talk properly" Harry said firmly as he looked at Zayn" If you mess up Niall again, I will personally...Rip.Your. F.cking.Head From. Your. F.cking. Shoulders!." The was no sign of gentle, quiet Harry. His tone was venomous, a far cry from his normal and non confrontational attitude.

 

"And I'll be helping him" Louis snapped.

 

"Goes for me too" Liam joined in.

 

Zayn held up his hands in surrender."Look, I promise I won't screw up again. Ni has given me a second chance, please, will you ?" He looked at them pleadingly. The three of them looked at each other then back at him.

 

"One chance" Liam said, but his voice held none of his normal warmth.

 

"So" Louis wanted to know "What's next?"

 

"I do have to return to LA tomorrow....no, today, actually". Zayn said as he looked at his watch........" but I will stay in touch". Louis looked sceptical but Zayn continued " No, really. Look" he pulled out a sheet of paper "all my contact numbers. All of them." He handed them to Liam who pocketed them carefully. "Look, I have to go" Zayn stood hesitantly and then, rather diffidently , pulled each man into a hug, grateful they all allowed the contact and even hugged back . After a few more words of farewell, Zayn reluctantly left, feeling rather touched that Harry had volunteered to drive him to the airport.

 

Very late the next morning, Niall bounced into the bus kitchen and looked around eagerly but only Louis, Harry and Liam were there. "Where's Zee?" he asked , looking about him as if he expected Zayn to suddenly be standing there.

 

"Gone back to LA, Mate" Liam said "But he'll Skype you when he lands" Niall's face fell. He couldn't shake the feeling that Zayn had vanished once more. He became withdrawn and refused to eat for the rest of the day. The others struggled even to get him to drink water and Louis was panicking that Zayn would fail to keep his promise. Then he, Louis, would be guilty of adding to hurting Niall because he'd been the one to persuade Zayn to see Niall. Louis just prayed Zayn wouldn't let Niall down. That also, he . Louis, hadn't compounded the pain.

 

The final show of their reunion tour was now becoming a memory and the lads had all returned to continue lives and various family and work commitments. Life was settling back into a familiar pattern for Niall, it's usual round of work and medical treatment. The main difference was that his sense of depression had lifted as Zayn had, so far, been true to his word, and kept to it religiously , maintaining regular contact with Niall. The old wounds caused by their split hadn't healed but had, at least, scabbed over and both men were conscious of that fact. A small piece of Niall never felt that he could totally believe Zayn wouldn't vanish again but Niall was also sure that, if he did, that he'd survive.

 

"That's great, Zee" Niall grinned at the screen of his laptop as Zayn was contorting his body to show Niall his latest tattoo. "You'll have no bare skin left, mate. " Niall stopped and turned his head as Aoife walked into the room and stood behind Niall, her arms wrapped lovingly around his chest, chin resting on top of his soft blond hair.

 

"Hi Uncle Zee" Aoife grinned at him." I've come to steal my Da away. We've both got doctor appointments. We'll see you soon?"

 

"You sure will. You look after your Da and that baby bump for me" Zayn smiled then waved , ending the call.

 

Aoife kissed the top of her dad's head and smiled at him. "I'm glad you guys are all together again. I know you missed him. Come on, we'll be late." Niall stood up slowly, stumbling slightly as he did.

 

"Da?" Aoife asked worriedly "Are you OK?. You've been over balancing a lot lately"

 

"M'fine" Niall said reassuringly "just tried and you know I'm a clumsy oaf at the best of times." He brushed away her concerns though he wasn't sure how convincing he had sounded. Unfortunately Aoife was right, he had started to loose his balance. And the dreaded 'MS hug' had caught him by surprise on more than one occasion. Maybe he should consider going through the Stem Cell Treatment again? Research had progressed since the first time, he was stronger now. Then there were the new drugs the Specialist had mentioned. Maybe that ? He didn't have time to think about it now so he dismissed it from his mind as he went to get ready.

 

"Please Da, come with me" Aoife turned her large blue eyes on her dad and used her best wheedling tone "Tay can't make it. Please come."

 

" I...Ummh" Niall started blushing at the thought of going to Aoife's appointment with her. He felt totally embarrassed at the thought.

 

"Oh, for goodness sake, Da!' Aoife said in exasperation" You used to change my diapers. You are only going to see my belly. Niall just blushed even more. "Da?"

 

"Ok, ok" Niall said still panicking. He just never felt comfortable with these things. More than ever he wished he still had a wife, a woman Aoife could turn to. He sighed as he picked up the car keys and followed Aoife out. Once she had had her check up, he had to attend his own. Management had kept Jacey on the team and she was responsible for Niall's care in-between the appointments he had with his Specialist. Today he had to have his weekly Medication delivered via IV. He shuddered, He'd never get to feel relaxed about having needles stuck into him. How Liam had serviced having all those injections when he was just a little baby, was totally beyond Niall.

 

Aoife's appointment went well and, despite blushing most of the way through it with embarrassment, Niall was pleased he'd gone. Hearing the baby's heartbeat was incredible and knowing that both Mommy and baby were doing well made him happy. He couldn't help but worry about Aoife. She was so young and what good was he at all this? He sighed to himself. It was these times when Aoife should have had Caoimhe.

 

Niall dropped Aoife off at her house then headed back to his own home. Jacey was probably already there, setting everything up. 'Bossy woman' he thought, but with a wry smile. She certainly didn't take any nonsense from him but she was also unfailingly kind....and beautiful. 'Where did that thought come from?' Niall asked himself. No, he wasn't interested.

Niall let himself into his home and yelled out a 'hello'. Jacey immediately appeared and hurried down the stairs, smiling at Niall as she arrived in front of him.

 

"Everything is set up Niall, so if you're ready?" She raised a questioning eyebrow at him. Niall frowned and shook his head, muttering under his breath that, no, he wasn't ready and he didn't want to do this anyway. Unfortunately for him, Jacey wasn't going to put up with his mini tantrum, so she gently grabbed his arm and led him upstairs. "Big baby" she teased.

 

"Jacey, look, m' not in the mood. Can we do this later?" Niall used his most wheedling tone of voice but Jacey wasn't having any of it.

 

"No" She said firmly. "This isn't open to debate. So just sit yourself down and lets get started. She pushed Niall down on the bed and he sat there, arms folded across his chest, pouting adorably. Jacey had to bit the inside of her cheek to prevent herself from laughing as he just looked like a very cute toddler who'd just been denied ice cream. "The sooner we get started the sooner we're done" she stated patiently. "Come on, shirt off". Niall glared at her but complied.

 

"Sh*t. Don't you ever warm that thing first?" Niall grumbled as Jacey put the cold stethoscope against his chest. She smiled at him but shushed him gently as she listened carefully. She moved the stethoscope around, asking him to cough at various times. Draping the stethoscope around her neck, she fixed the cuff of the blood pressure monitor around Niall's upper arm and tightened it before pressing the button. Niall screwed up his face as the cuff immediately started to inflate, pressing his arm uncomfortably. He was glad when it deflated. He turned his head to try and see the reading but Jacey had moved it out of his line of vision before detaching the cuff from his arm. She picked up her clipboard and started to scribble down her notes.

 

"OK, let's just check your temperature and glands." Jacey put the thermometer in his ear and noted down the reading when it beeped. She then very gentle felt around the glands of Niall's neck, giving him a brief smile as she did so. "Ummh, Niall, could you just take your jeans off please?" which instantly made Niall blush bright red.

 

"Aw, come on" He moaned "Is it necessary?"

 

"Niall, please?" Jacey spoke resignedly. This happened every single time and Niall never got better at being cooperative. She waited patiently as Niall finally stood and pulled down his jeans , complaining the whole time. "OK, lay down for me" Niall did as he was told and Jacey pressed about his stomach and checked the glands in his groin which made Niall blush even more. "All done" Jacey said, giving Niall a half smile. "No, stay there. You might as well be comfortable while you have the IV" Jacey spoke firmly when Niall sat up again and started to reach for his jeans. He gave her another of his glares and this time she did smile.

 

"OK, it's all set up" Jacey carefully adjusted the flow of the drip. "I'll bring you a mug of tea. Are you hungry?" She got a negative shake of the head and frowned. She'd check his weight when the IV was finished but she could visibly tell he was losing weight. She smiled at him then left to make the tea,deciding to make a few slices of toast as well, to see if he'd eat. She drummed her fingers on the kitchen countertop as she waited for things to be done. Things were not looking good but her patient was a stubborn man. She'd been warned by both Mr Caldwell, Niall's Specialist and by Niall's Management team, that Niall was an absolutely sweet man but more stubborn than a mule. Yes, she thought, she was finding that out for herself. She'd have to talk to the boys and try and figure out if one of them would be able to get information out of Niall. The kettle switched off and the toast popped up out of the toaster, bringing her thoughts back to the job in hand.

 

When Jacey returned to the bedroom, Niall was sat up against the headboard of his bed , looking glumly out of the window.

 

"Penny for your thoughts ?" Jacey asked as she placed the tray down across Niall's lap. He turned back and looked at her then shrugged without answering.

 

"Niall, what's wrong? You barely eat these days, you look exhausted and you're generally are not too well. Give me a break and talk to me......please?" Jacey begged."I can't help if you don't let me".

 

"Nothing's wrong" Niall's tone was abrupt "So you can stop asking" He turned his gaze back to the window and stared out at the blue sky.

 

"I don't believe you" Jacey was equally abrupt. She sat down on the bed next to Niall and put her fingers under his chin, moving him to make him face her. He met her gaze very briefly and pulled away. She sighed. Obviously she wasn't going to get anything out of him. Standing, she checked the IV. There was still quite some time to go so, seeing the tray of food was untouched, she lifted it off his lap . "Take a nap" she suggested. Niall shuffled about until he was curled up on his side. Jacey looked to make sure the IV line was secure and untangled then pulled the covers over Niall, hoping he would sleep. She had a few calls to make and she didn't wish him to overhear any of the conversations. Her wish was granted. Niall had very quickly succumbed to sleep so Jacey hurried downstairs to make those important calls.

 

Jacey returned to the bedroom and switched off the drip , gently detaching the needle and tubes from Niall's body. He stirred sleepily as he felt movement around him.

 

"Good nap?" Jacey asked cheerfully and got the sweetest smile from Niall. The sleep had obviously done some good as he seemed far brighter. He reached out his hand and started to play with Jacey's long hair, gently tugging on her ponytail.

 

"What was he like?" he asked quietly.

 

"What was who like?" Jacey asked in confusion.

 

"Your husband" Niall responded "sorry, maybe you don't like talking about it. I shouldn't have asked. Sorry".

 

"No, it's OK Niall. He was a great guy. Funny, charming, wicked sense of humour. You are actually a lot like him. Though you are far more stubborn" she finished laughingly as she punched him gently in the shoulder.

 

"Do you...I mean...have you....well..ever considered... other men.......ummh...I mean....f.ck.....oops...sorry. I didn't mean.....oh g*d" . Niall was a blushing mess.Honestly. Why was he so tongue tied. He grabbed a pillow and buried his face in it.

 

"NIall?'

 

"mmmh?" his voice very muffled by the pillow.

 

"Yes, I'd love to go out on a date with you" Jacey said laughingly. Niall stayed with his face buried in the pillow for a few moments before lowering it and revealing his embarrassed expression.

 

"You will!...F.ck!. I mean…Yeah…..wow!" He grinned

"Where are we heading, Li? Come on, mate. You are being so secretive. What the f.ck is up?" Niall was getting more and more irritable as Liam kept ignoring him. He was up to something and Niall had gut feeling that this wasn't going to be good. He slumped back in the seat and glared at Liam's profile. Liam spared him a brief glance then turned his attention immediately back to the road. Liam was surprised Niall hadn't noticed the direction they were heading yet, but then, Niall had been so absorbed in trying to wheedle information out of him to pay too much attention to his surroundings.

 

"We're here" Liam said quietly as he pulled into a free parking place.

 

"No! No f.cking way!" Niall yelled but Liam ignored his outburst. Niall tried to wrench the car door open so he could get out but Liam had expected the outburst and had the child locks engaged. Liam hopped out and went around to the passenger side to open the door. He immediately grabbed Niall so he couldn't take off. Niall struggled wildly to try and free himself but Liam had the greater strength and body weight so it was useless.

 

"Niall, calm down" Liam spoke firmly "either you come quietly or I carry you in there. What's it to be, mate? You're going in anyway so you can do it the dignified way or like a toddler in a tantrum. Your choice."

 

"Walk" Niall said tersely and Liam nodded. He still kept a hold of Niall's arm, not trusting the small Irishman and led him into the building.

 

"Niall Horan. He has a 9am appointment ." Liam said to the Receptionist who smiled at both men and invited them to take a seat, informing them that Mr Caldwell would be with them shortly.

 

"Niall, come through" James Caldwell called out from his door but Niall remained stubbornly in his seat. He was not being pushed into this.

 

"Niall!" Liam said in a warning tone but Niall just folded his arms and glared at the door. Liam threw James an apologetic look then grabbed Niall and hauled him onto his feet and pushed him towards James. Niall dug his feet in, making it as hard for Liam as he could, but Liam's strength prevailed and Niall admitted defeat. He reluctantly walked through the door, Liam following , and sat down in the chair James indicated with Liam standing behind him, rubbing his shoulder soothingly. He felt bad that he's tricked Niall to get him to the appointment but he knew it had been the only way.

 

"Now then Niall, I see you are not happy to be here. I'm beginning to think you are avoiding me" James said pleasantly. "Your doctor has been in contact with me as she's concerned that you are not doing as well as perhaps you could be at the moment.I know you hate dealing with this but we can only help you if you are honest with us. So.....?" James left the question hanging. He sat back in his chair and crossed his legs, waiting patiently for an answer he wasn't sure he'd be getting. He sighed quietly as Niall just shrugged. "OK. Niall, you know the drill. Would you like Liam to stay or wait for you?"

 

"Stay" Niall said quietly " please…"

 

"That's fine" James rang for his nurse who escorted both men into the examination room where Niall was given the despised gown which he immediately put on a chair.

 

"Just open the door when you are ready, then" the nurse said as she smiled at both men and left them, closing the door behind her.

 

"Look, Nialler. I'm sorry but you don't look after yourself, mate" Liam was apologetic but unrepentant. Niall looked over at him and shook his head before speaking

 

"Na, I am the one who should be sorry. I know I behave like a brat. It's just that I hate all this, Li." Niall slowly started to undress and Liam folded the clothes neatly as Niall removed them, placing them tidily on a chair.

 

"Ready?" Liam asked and opened the door a little when Niall gave a nod, shivering slightly in just his boxers. There was no way he was putting that gown on. The nurse came in immediately and started the routine checks on Niall, noting down his weight, blood pressure readings and temperature on her charts before getting ready to take some blood samples. Liam came and sat next to him on the examination couch and pulled Niall's head into his shoulder. Niall still hated needles with a passion and he was grateful to Liam for the comfort.

 

"Ok, sweetheart" the elderly nurse said cheerfully "all done. You can relax now" She patted Niall's arm "I'll tell Mr Caldwell you are all ready now" and she disappeared through the adjoining door to James' office.

 

James was very thorough with his examination and, much to his surprise, Niall was more forthcoming than normal when answering the questions put to him. It made his life so much easier when Niall was co-operative. He concluded his examination then invited Niall to dress and come back to his office when he was ready.

 

"Well Niall, I am going to get the scans done. We can do them today then I should be able to see what is going on. Are you up for that?" he raised an eyebrow at the blond who gulped nervously but nodded his head.

 

"Good. I'll get the nurse to take you and Liam to a room where you can relax and she can administer the sedative I'll write you up for. Still not a fan of enclosed spaces, I take it?" Niall shook his head .

 

"Don't worry, we won't let you suffer. Liam are you staying around?" James asked and Liam confirmed he would be. "Excellent. We'll talk later" James buzzed for his nurse who appeared quickly and led both men to a quiet room on the second floor.

 

"I'm sorry, sweetheart" You really do need to take everything off and put the gown on this time. I'll be back in a few minutes. Niall groaned and undressed for the second time. Why did they make him wear these stupid gowns? He sat on the edge of the bed and started reading his texts then exploded after reading one from Aoife.

 

"Even my daughter f.cking knew!" Niall yelled at Liam who just grinned sheepishly.Niall huffed then threw his phone down, glaring at the floor.

 

"Here we are" the nurse came back into the room with a covered tray in her hand and Niall eyed it nervously. The dreaded sedative. He appreciated it helped with coping with the scans but still...needles...ugh!" . The nurse smiled at him and picked up the syringe. She felt very sympathetic as she saw Niall visibly shake. "Oh, who is that ?" she asked and Niall immediately looked away from her and towards the door. She slid the needle in so swiftly and gently that Niall didn't even register it was done. He looked back at her, waiting for the jab of pain but was surprised to see the discarded syringe on the tray and the nurse already placing a tiny band aide over the small puncture site.

 

"Now then laddie, you get onto the bed properly and relax" She waited until Niall had done as she had bid then pulled a light blanket over him before leaving him to chat quietly with Liam. Eventually Niall decided it was too hard to keep his eyes open and let them shut. Eventually even conversation became too much of an effort so he he relaxed into the floaty sensation that the sedative gave him. Moments later, two porters appeared and Niall was gently transferred onto the gurney and taken to the imaging unit for the scans, leaving Liam to wait for him.

 

Niall blinked sleepily then sat slowly up. He was back in his room again. Liam looked up from his phone and smiled at him. "Glad you've surfaced mate.Your snoring was keeping me awake"

 

"Don't snore" Niall said huffily.

 

" You do " Liam replied then frowned as Niall swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, swaying slightly.

 

"Woah..head rush" Niall said as he grabbed onto Liam. He stood a few moments then let go.

 

"Get back into bed mate" Liam suggested but Niall shook his head and headed to the adding bathroom. He relieved himself then washed his hands before splashing cold water over his face to wake himself up. He'd just got back into the room when James appeared, the inevitable manilla folder and charts in his hands. Niall felt his stomach drop. He hated this. Part of him wanted to know, the other part.................well. He gulped quietly.

 

"Sit yourself down Niall" James waved a hand at the bed and Niall did as he was told, looking nervously at James who was looking down at the contents of the folder. " Now, I have all your test results here and...........


	38. Goodbye……I Love You.

"It's a mix of bad and good news , Niall. " James put down the folder but retained hold of the scan pictures. "Look, as you can see, compering your last scan with the one taken today, the lesions have increased" James indicated the different spots on each scan. Niall's face grew pale. This is what he had been dreading. He knew things were getting worse but somehow he wanted to be in denial .Too late now. He studied the scans himself, his face expressionless.

 

"And this means?" Liam decided to ask seeing as Niall hadn't spoken.

 

"It's progressed and Niall's medication is no longer as effective" James answered "However….." he paused and waited until both men were focussed on him " that's the bad news".

 

"And you said it was a mix of that and good news" Liam prompted seeing Niall's withdrawn expression.

 

"The good news is that we have had great advances in drug therapy since Niall was put on this medication. And for some reason, it appears more effective in those patients that have had the stem cell treatment. It is experimental to some degree though, and may have risks. Look, I have to go now but will you be willing to discuss this with me later this week? I've already spoken to your doctor, Niall, and she'll need at attend as well. Shall I have my secretary set up an appointment?" .

 

"Yeah... I think you should do that" Liam said immediately "Nialler, you up for that?.

 

"I guess so" Niall whispered " I mean..there's not much choice really, is there?"

 

"Niall, your MS will progress if we don't do anything." James replied "but the choice will always be yours"

 

"I'll come....can I bring my daughter?...and Liam?' Niall asked hesitantly.

 

"Please do." James rose and shook hands with both men " I'll get it arranged, then. Niall, you are free to leave after the nurse has done her 'obs' and I'll see you soon." James left then and the nurse came bustling back in .

 

"You're quiet, Niall" Jacey remarked as she sat next to him on the couch."Tired?"

 

"Mmmh..a bit. Thinking, too" Niall closed his yes and leant his head back.

 

"Want to talk?" Jacey threaded her hands through his blond hair, massaging his scalp gently.

 

"Nah, rather cuddle" Niall pulled her into his arms and snuggled his head into her neck, making her giggle. Niall gently started to bite her neck then moved his head so he was kissing her lips softly. The kisses got distinctly warmer and they broke apart, both breathing heavily.

 

"Errhhh…mmmm..ah" Niall was crimson with embarrassment.

 

"Niall?…..."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Shut up!"Jacey pulled him back in and started kissing him again, her hands roaming up and down his back then sneaking under the tight T Shirt he was wearing, her cold hands making him shudder slightly. They were soon lost in their own little world.

 

The week passed quickly and Niall, accompanied by Liam, Jacey and Aoife, returned to the hospital to meet up with Niall's Specialist. To say Niall was apprehensive was an understatement. He was desperate to be able to halt the MS from progressing but nervous that he might not be able to have the latest treatment. James Caldwell did say it was experimental and wasn't without risk. Still, it wouldn't hurt to talk about it. He fidgeted nervously as they sat in the comfortable waiting room waiting for the Specialist to see them.

 

"Niall....how are you?" James asked as he waved his hand at the chairs that were grouped together in frount of his desk. "Liam and Jacey I do know, so you must be Aoife" James extended his hand to shake Aoife's as he smiled brightly at her. "Now, I am sure you are all anxious to hear about this new treatment so I'll get straight into it".

 

The journey home was quiet. Everyone felt their heads were buzzing with all the information James had given to them pertaining to the possible treatment. It had risks and it certainly wasn't just a question of swallowing a few pills.It was a slightly scaled down version of the Stem Cell Transplant that Niall had been though before, combined with weekly IV infusions.Most people did well with it but a very small percentage of unfortunate patients , developed dangerous, life threatening side effects. And there was no way in knowing before hand, who would be one of the unfortunate ones.

 

"I don't know, Da" Aoife was worried "it sounds pretty risky to me. Are you sure you want to try it?". She had listened intently to everything James Caldwell had said about the new treatment but the possible side effects sounded dreadful. She wasn't sure it was worth the risk.

 

"I certainly want to think about it but I'm not rushing into it pumpkin, so don't panic" Niall said soothingly. He planned to talk it over with Jacey when they were alone so she could explain all the technical side of things that Niall was unsure of, but at the moment, Niall was more worried that Aoife was getting stressed out and he didn't want her upset, especially so far into her pregnancy. " No fretting, OK?". Aoife half smiled at him and nodded but she still didn't look happy.

 

"Da, I'm tired so I'm going to bed" Aoife rubbed her baby bump soothing her restless baby who was intent on playing football" . She kissed Niall then headed upstairs to her old bedroom.Taylor and Liam and gone straight to the airport after the hospital appointment as they had commitments in the USA with a new band Liam was working with and she hadn't wanted to be home alone. It had been a long day and she was both exhausted and stressed though she tried valiantly to hide it from her dad. She smiled to herself when she thought just how shy her dad still was about her pregnancy.Sometimes she wondered to herself how he'd ever managed to make a baby with her ma.Her smile faded. Her Da, Taylor and Liam were wonderful but she missed not having a mother, especially now.

 

Aoife groaned in pain. Her stomach was cramping badly and she felt sick. She stumbled to the bathroom adjoining her bedroom and slowly and clumsily got to her knees in front of the toilet. Her tummy pitched and she was sick. Must have been something she ate, she thought vaguely but couldn't think what. Feeling better she hauled herself to her feet, slipping slightly then a terrible pain tore through her belly/ The pain muted but she then felt a gushing sensation. Looking down she saw her nightdress was soaked. Her waters must have broken but it was too soon.The baby wasn't due yet.

 

"Da. Da" Aoife screamed. She could hear footsteps racing down the hallway then she blacked out, vaguely aware of being caught as she fell.

 

"Aoife!"

Niall cradled Aoife in his arms as he waited for the Emergency services to arrive. He prayed wordlessly as he looked at his daughter's bloodless face, so white she resembled the death he feared for her. He pleaded with her to wake up, to talk to him, to tell she was all right. He was so lost that he had to physically be moved out of the way when the paramedics arrived and started to tend to his daughter. He couldn't lose her, not his Aoife. Wasn't it enough he'd been robbed of Caoimhe?

 

"Sir, come with me" one of the Paramedics touched his arm gently and Niall stared at him in confusion. "You can come with us" the man softly nudged Niall towards the door and out to the waiting ambulance. Niall sat opposite Aoife watching without comprehension as the paramedics checked on her, the wailing of the siren not even penetrating his mind.

 

"I'm sorry, love, you have to wait here" the nurse told him kindly but firmly "let the doctors look after her. Someone will come to you soon but they need to see to your daughter" She pushed Niall down into a seat and he stared blankly at the swing doors the nurse disappeared through. He had to do something but what? His mind seemed incapable of sensible thought so he continued to sit there, like a stone statue, emotionally numb.

 

Niall had no idea how long he had been sat in the cold, impersonal surroundings of the waiting room. It was like time had ceased to exist. He jumped a hand on his shoulder shook him gently.

 

"Mr Horan?" Niall looked up into the face of the middle aged doctor who was looking down at him, his face compassionate. He sat next to Niall and waited patiently for Niall to focus on him. Niall blinked at him slowly, shaking his head slightly to shift the horrible dizzy sensation. "Mr Horan?" the doctor repeated.

 

"Aoife...how's Aoife?" Niall's voice sounded rusty, like each word was a struggle to get out.

 

"Your daughter is now out of danger. It was touch and go for a time but she will be fine. Unfortunately the placenta had ripped and we had to do an emergency Cesarean. She has lost a lot of blood but we are giving her some transfusions to help".

 

"Oh my G*d..the baby... what about the baby?" the doctor's words about the Cesarean sunk in and Niall felt a sense of dread.

 

"The baby is currently in the SCBU She's obviously very small not being full term and she needs help with her breathing and so forth. She looks like a strong little girl. But, unless there are unforeseen complications, she should be fine ." The doctor patted Niall's shoulder then stood up . Your daughter is in recovery at the moment and will be taken to her room shortly but would you like to see your granddaughter?"

 

Niall looked through the viewing window at the incubator that held his tiny granddaughter. She was so tiny , had so many wires attached to her.He closed his eyes. How could anything so small survive. He jumped when a nurse touched his shoulder. "I know she looks very tiny right now but she is strong. We'll take good care of her for you. Your daughter is back in her room now. I'll take you there when you're ready". Niall nodded and followed her as she led the way down the long corridor .

 

Niall pulled the hard plastic chair up to the side of Aoife's bed and stroked her long hair away from her face. Her skin felt warmer to his touch now and the paleness had been replaced by a very slight warmer color. She looked so tiny and so like Caoimhe that he felt his heart clench as memories of his last moments with his wife stabbed him with pain. He blinked hard, trying to stem the tears but they would have their way and poured down his cheeks. He had lost his Caoimhe but, by the grace of G*d and the skill of the doctors and nurses, he still had his daughter and granddaughter.He took hold of Aoife's free hand and held it gently.

 

Aoife whimpered in pain as the effects of the anaesthetic began to leave her system. Niall jerked awake from the light doze he had fallen into and he quickly pressed the nurses call bell. A motherly looking nurse quickly answered ., suggesting that Niall go and get himself a drink whilst she attended to Aoife. Niall stood stiffly and bent to kiss Aoife's forehead before leaving her to the nurses ministrations. Once away from all the medical equipment he placed a call to Taylor telling him what had happened. Taylor and Liam , who had only just landed at LAX, were quick to say they would head straight back to the UK, Liam decided it would be best to arrange a private jet so there would be as little delay as possible. Niall headed back to Aoife's room.

 

"Da" Aoife began to cry when Niall walked back into the room.

 

"It's OK, you're OK, pumpkin" he soothed her.

 

"My baby" she whispered " I want my baby".

 

"I know, Princess, but she's being looked after. I've seen her" Niall spoke as reassuringly as he could.

 

"Once you are free of the IV, I'll pop you in a wheelchair and take you to see her, my love" the nurse promised."Now you just have another little sleep and you'll feel brighter when you wake up." She tucked the bed covers around Aoife and dimmed the lights.

 

"Da..I want Taylor"

 

"He's coming, Princess. He's already on his way. Please sleep now, for me?" Niall smiled at her and was grateful when her eyes fluttered shut and she fell back into sleep. He sat back down next to her and closed his own eyes. He hated to admit it but he felt dreadful. He winced in pain as a "MS hug' shot through him. The stress wasn't helping.

 

"Don't wake him up" Aoife whispered to the nurse. He looks so tired". The nurse nodded understandingly as she carefully assisted Aoife into the wheelchair before tucking a warm blanket over her. Aoife grimaced as the stitches from her surgery tugged with every small movement. But she didn't care, she was going to see her baby. The nurse propped the door open and pushed the wheelchair out of the room. She was just about to close the door behind her when Jacey appeared in response to the brief text Niall had sent her earlier. After a brief conversation with Aoife and the nurse, she slid quietly into the room and stood studying the small man who was huddled into the hard chair .He looked quite ill. Reluctantly Jacey gently shook him awake.

 

"I want to stay. I'm not going!" Niall snapped irritably.

 

"Ni, be reasonable. You need to rest, Aoife needs to rest." Jacey said reasonably. "She asked me to take you home. She's worried about you" Jacey played her trump card and watched as Niall deflated. "Come on, let's take you home" She led Niall out of the hospital to the waiting car. There wasn't much traffic and they were soon back at the house where she ushered him in and straight up the stairs to his bedroom. "Bed " she said firmly, pushing him towards it.

 

After giving Niall a reasonable amount of time to follow instructions, she reentered the room, smiling at the sight that met her. Niall was asleep, sprawled on the top of the bed, the shirt he'd pulled off still clenched in his hand ,Jacey unfurled his fingers and removed it before she gently removed his trainers then carefully unzipped his jeans, gently peeling them down his legs until she could pull them off. She then eased his body under the bedcovers, pulled the blinds shut and started to leave the room.

 

"Jacey...." Niall mumbled 'stay…."

Niall felt warm and comfortable. The sound of the falling rain hitting the window gently was soothing. He'd always loved listening to the sounds of rain when he was snug and warm in bed and this just added to his feelings of comfort . He snuggled even more into the warm body that was curled up in his arms, long hair draped across his bare chest. Wait! His arms flew open in shock and he stared down at the women he had cradled so gently in his arms. His big blue eyes wide with shock!

 

"Morning" Jacey said in a sleepy voice as she opened her own eyes, staring up into Niall's shocked ones. "Are you OK? What's wrong?" she untangled herself from Niall's embrace and pushed herself up, feeling his forehead anxiously with her small , cold hand. He felt slightly warm to her touch but nothing alarming , but he was obviously distressed. "Niall?' He didn't reply but moved away from her uneasily. "Niall, what's wrong?" she asked again.

 

"I....you...why are in here ?" he managed to stammer out, his face crimson with embarrassment.

 

"You asked me to stay with you last night, don't you remember? " Jacey reminded him gently "You were tired and upset and you wanted me to stay with you. I was going to leave once you were properly asleep but I must have fallen asleep too." It was then Niall noticed that Jacey was still fully clothed, it was him that was just in his boxers. He blushed even deeper and face palmed himself, groaning in embarrassment.

 

"Sorry, sorry" he managed to mutter."I…."

 

"It's OK, Niall. You needed a bit of comfort and I was here. " Jacey got up from the bed and stood looking down at Niall. "I'd better go now. I'll see you later. We need to talk, anyway" Niall looked up at her frowning as she spoke. What was there to talk about? He hadn't taken advantage of her had he? No, he'd remember that if he had. He was still frowning when she leant down , kissed him softly on the lips and ruffled his hair before leaving, Niall staring after her in confusion. His emotions were all over the place. His embarrassment at waking up cuddled up to a beautiful woman totally at war with just how right she had felt in his arms. like she really did belong there.

 

Niall lay there thinking for a few minutes then climbed slowly out of bed and headed to the shower. His first priority was Aoife and his new granddaughter. He hurried through his morning routine and was just heading downstairs when his door bell was rung persistently. He raced down the final few steps then, after a cursory glance through the spy hole in the door, flung it open to welcome Liam. Taylor had headed straight for the hospital the moment they had landed whilst Liam decided to see Niall. He was pulled into a tight hug and Niall ushered him into the house, talking none stop about the events that had caused Liam and Taylor to race home fro the USA.

 

Once Niall had told Liam everything about Aoife, he became very quiet and withdrawn. He seemed totally lost in his thoughts and Liam had had to call his name several times before Niall realised he was being spoken to. 

 

"Nialler, mate" Liam kept his tone casual, light." Been quite a heavy few days for you. The stress on you must'a been crazy. You feel all right? You seem a bit spaced out".

 

"Yeah, crazy was right. I thought Aoife was going to die" Niall shuddered as he remembered holding Aoife as he wanted for the Paramedics to arrive. "But we got through it" he breathed out in relief .

 

"So why are you away with the fairies, mate. I've been talking to you and you're like, somewhere else. I dunno, mate." Liam said patiently.

 

"Ummh, it's a bit...awkward" Niall finally admitted. "Iwokeupwithjaceyinmyarmsthismornin'" he rushed out, blushing furiously.

 

"Say again, Ni...but slower this time" Liam asked though he though he'd understood what Niall had garbled out. At least he picked up the name, 'Jacey'.

 

"I sort of woke up this morning cuddling Jacey" Niall buried his face in his hands, muffling his voice slightly.

 

"Well....Niall the church boy in bed with a woman. You sly dog" Liam laughed loudly when he saw Niall get even redder and shake his head in denial.

 

"No! No! It wasn't like that. She stayed with me while I fell asleep and she fell asleep too. We didn't do anything!" Niall was so embarrassed. Especially as deep down, he wished…...by no....he shouldn't think that way.

 

"So, what's the problem, Nialler?" Liam questioned gently.

 

"I...I liked it. I liked it too much, Li" Niall said shamefaced.

 

"Nialler, listen to me. It's OK. It's OK to like Jacey that much, to want her that much. For g*d's sake man, you don't have to live like a monk. And she's a pretty girl. You are both adults so what's the problem, mate?" Liam asked encouragingly.

 

"I..it's.....we...." Niall couldn't frame his thoughts into words but somehow Liam knew exactly what was going through Niall's mind.

 

"Niall, if the shoe had been on the other foot, what would you have wanted Caoimhe to do?" Liam asked gently.

 

"I'd have wanted her to be happy. To find someone who loved her as much as I did " Niall whispered.

 

"And she would have wanted the same for you, Ni. She'd hate it that you are just walking through life, an observer and not a participant. It's not wrong, Ni, to fall in love with someone else". Liam stood up and hugged Niall " Let's go and see Aoife and our granddaughter. I want to know if they've picked a name for her.". He pushed Niall out the door, waited until he was settled in the passenger seat and drove off to the hospital.

 

Both men had stayed at the hospital for several hours before leaving Taylor and Aoife together. Liam dropped Niall at his home then left to catch up on his sleep as jet lag was catching up with him. Niall was surprised to find Jacey waiting for him.

 

"Hey gorgeous, why are you here? Not that I'm not happy to see you but today isn't a treatment day" Niall asked, looking confused as he swept Jacey in for a gentle kiss.

 

"No. Look Niall, we have to talk. I've been to see Management and they agree, I can't do this anymore. It's not right. Graeham is back and he's taking over from me." Jacey blurted out. Niall backed away, looking stunned.

 

"You don't want to be with me anymore. You're finishing with me ?" hurt laced Niall's voice as he backed away, his blue eyes beginning to swim with tears. What had he done? Was it because of last night?

 

"Niall, NO!. Please it's not like that" Jacey looked at Niall in horror. What had she done? "Niall come back!" but Niall was already racing out of his house. She ran after him to try and stop him but his car had already pulled away.She pulled her phone from her pocket and rapidly scrolled through her contacts.

 

"Louis, I need to you to talk with Niall. It's urgent" Jacey all but screamed down the phone.

Niall drove about aimlessly for an hour, trying to make sense of his feelings. Did he really care about Jacey? Did it matter she was finished with him? He wasn't worth it, he thought sadly. Why would anyone want him. Jacey obviously didn't. He was nobody special. Maybe he needed a distraction, he thought, so he decided to head to see Louis. Maybe a few beers would help, never mind what the doctors said about alcohol. He needed a drink. Maybe he could convince Louis to let him get drunk.? He doubted it but he so wanted to lose himself for a while.

 

Louis jumped up and hurried to the door to answer the pounding knock. When he opened it, he immediately grabbed his visitor by the ear and hauled him into the house, slamming the door behind them.

 

"Horan, you A$$hole." Louis shouted then pushed Niall down into the nearest chair. Putting his hands on the arm rests, Louis got right into Niall's face and continued yelling at him. "You f.cking idiot. You've really upset Jacey. She's been talking to me and she never stopped crying the whole time".

 

"She's upset!" Niall splutterd. "She was the one who said she didn't want me" Niall's own eyes started to swim with tears as he felt the emotional pain of his words.

 

"Mate, I love you like a brother but I could rip your head off for you right now" Louis growled, moving away from the chair. "When did Jacey say she didn't want you?"

 

"This morning, she said she couldn't do it anymore, that Graeham was taking over and Management agreed".

 

"And in what part of that did she say she didn't want you?" Louis glared at Niall. "You are so 'f.cking stupid !".

 

"But...." Niall started to say but got interrupted by Louis.

 

"Shut it, Horan. And listen for once" Louis ran his hands through his messy hair "Shenever said she was finishing with you. She was trying to tell you she couldn't be your doctor any more ,mate. You've started a relationship with her so ethically, she can't be your doctor" Louis spoke calmly now. He glanced at Niall's stunned face. "You jumped to conclusions, mate."

 

"You mean...she...she isn't done with me?" Niall said brokenly. "Oh g*d, Lou. I've messed up badly".

 

"Yeah, you have. So what are you going to do about it?" Louis sat on the couch looking across at his friend. 

 

'Dunno. I messed up big time. That's it now. She really will be done with me" Niall whispered.

 

Louis pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his contacts. He waited patiently until the call connected then spoke. 

 

"Hi beautiful, he's safe. He's here. When I've finished beating him to a pulp, do you want me to let you have what's left of him back?" Louis listened intently for a few moments, the corner of his mouth twitching as he tried not to laugh. "Ok love. Bye" Louis ended the call.

 

"You are so lucky, mate. Get yourself home now .....and don't mess this up" Louis was stern. He walked Niall to the door "Seriously Nialler, she really cares about you. Don't let a chance of real happiness escape because you are too stupid and stubborn to admit that it's OK to allow someone to love you". Louis hugged Niall, and shoved him out of the door. "Go mate…and next time, let Jacey finish what she's saying before you jump to conclusions"

 

Niall drove back to his home in a complete daze. Jacey hadn't been finishing with him. He'd been so sure that he was worthless, he'd just assumed that was what she was telling him. He sighed. Would she forgive him though? He pulled up in front of his house and climbed out of the car slowly, walking to the front door with his head bowed. He was an idiot. He went to put the key in the lock but the door was suddenly thrown open and Jacey stood there, biting her lip as she looked at him. He raised his eyes to her face and stood there. Her eyes were sore and puffy and there were tear tracks still visible on her pale cheeks. His heart hurt. He had been the cause of her pain. 

 

They sat together on the couch, Jacey curled up to Niall's side. Neither of them felt ready to talk but both found it comforting to be so close together. Niall's brain was whirling, his emotions all jumbled up. Jacey was in a similar state. She knew she'd started the conversation wrong. She hadn't explained it well. No wonder Niall had felt rejected. It was all her fault. Thank goodness Louis had been able to help her sort it out. But was it sorted out? Had she hurt Niall too deeply? She knew he was not confident with women. He'd never lost that shyness, that lack of confidence. And she'd made it worse. She mentally kicked herself. Niall was feeling equally bad. He'd jumped to conclusions, assumed the wrong thing, ran at the first sign of trouble and created this disaster.

 

"I'm sorry" two voices said simultaneously . They looked at each other as they spoke and broke into laughter. 

 

"Niall, it's my fault, I didn't think how it must have sounded to you. I just wanted to say I couldn't be your doctor anymore. I didn't think you'd assume I didn't want to be in a relationship with you" Jacey said quietly "Forgive me?" she pleaded.

 

"Nah, you are not to blame. It was me. I should have let you finish. I just couldn't believe anyone would want me" Niall blushed as he spoke. "So will you forgive me?"

 

"Nothing to forgive, my love." Jacey smiled at him as she raised her hand to stroke lightly down his cheek. Niall reached up and caught it in his own.

 

"So where does this leave us?" Niall spoke nervously, looking down at his hand which was now entwined with one of Jacey's. "I mean....Jacey will you please allow me to spend time with you, get to know you more?" Jacey smiled at him and leaned in for a gentle kiss. "Good answer" whispered Niall as he pulled her even closer and kissed her back . Jacey smiled to herself as Niall's kisses moved from sweet to decidedly more intense . Even then, she thought, Niall retained an innocence about him and it was adorable. And as they kissed, the cracks in their hearts started the slow process of knitting together.

"Why does every f.cking new treatment make me puke the whole time" Niall said petulantly. He'd spent the last four hours bringing up the contents of his stomach in violent bursts. Nothing was staying down. Even the few sips of water he'd manage to swallow came back up almost instantly.

 

"If it doesn't ease off, we may have to evaluate whether it is worth continuing, Niall." James Caldwell frowned as looked at his pale and sweating patient. "We'll give you some anti nausea medication and set up an IV to prevent you being dehydrated. Hopefully that will do the trick and the side effects wear off fairly soon. It can take time . " James was worried but spoke confidently, not wanting to alarm Niall. . So far Niall's body had been rejecting the new treatment and there weren't many options left open. If he was unable to halt the decline in Niall's condition then time would be against them. In just a few short weeks there had been signs of progression in Niall's illness and if he was unable to halt it, slow it down....he didn't want to think about the end results. There had to be something.

 

Niall looked pointedly away as the anti nausea medication was injected into his arm, then the IV hooked up . Why did everyone treat him like a pin cushion? G*d, he hated needles. He grabbed the bowl that was next to his bed just in time as more fluid spurted out of his mouth, the taste alone making him gag. The nurse handed him a glass of water and he swilled it around his mouth to rid himself of the vile taste. He was tempted to drink some water but was too afraid it would return. He just hoped the medication kicked in quickly. He lay back against his pillows, exhausted. The nurse lowered the top of his bed slightly so, though he was still sitting up, his body was at a more relaxed incline. She put a fresh bowl on the table next to him and advised him to try and sleep before dimming the lights and quietly leaving him to rest.

 

Niall was dreaming. It was one of the dreams he loved having because, although he knew it was just a dream, it felt so real. He knew exactly where he was. It was along cliffs, back home in Ireland. His favourite thinking place. The place where he and Caoimhe had gone together so many times. And here, in his dreams, he knew she'd come. He walked on, breathing in the salty tang of the air, enjoying the warm breeze and then she was there, her small hand warm in his own. He looked down at her and smiled. Still the same, unchanging, beautiful. They walked on, Niall was content with the silence. He wanted to hear her voice but she was always silent in his dreams. Though he longed to hear her sweet voice, It was enough she could be with him even if it was only in his dreams. The grass was soft and springy beneath his feet and he loved the feel of it.There were beautiful flowers blooming around him and he sat down, Caoimhe with him. She was smiling at him and holding both his hands in hers. Then he heard her speak.

 

"You've done so well my love, so well. I'm proud of you, proud of Aoife. I love you both so much" Niall couldn't see Caoimhe's mouth move but he heard her words in his head, the same voice he loved and still remembered. "But it's time you let me go. I'll always be with you, watching over you, but I release you as you must release me. It's time, my love. Remember I love you" Caoimhe released his hands and slowly she dissolved from his sight.

 

"Don't go, Caoimhe, come back, Come back!" Niall sat up screaming and begging her to return, tears pouring from his eyes.

 

"Da, calm down. Shhhh, you've been dreaming. It's just a dream" Aoife shifted the whimpering baby in her arms so that she could cup her dad's cheek with her free hand. "Ssshh...you're ok" She kept her hand on her dad's face watching and waiting for his breathing to calm down . Niall looked into her own face with a confused expression, still caught in that twilight moment between sleep and wakefulness . He drew in shuddering breaths as he finally became aware of his surroundings.

"Sorry, sorry. I was dreaming" He whispered as he looked down at his hands and fidgeted with the sheet covering him. Aoife nodded gently as she placed her hand over his restless ones to still them. "She left me" he whispered "And I'm afraid she won't come back".

"Da, Ma is gone. She can't come back, you know that. But she'll always be our angel. Remember you told me that she'd always be watching over us. And Caoimhe is here with us" Aoife patted her heart, then smiled softly as she transferred the baby into Niall's arms, watching as he cuddled the baby close, a gentle finger caressing the tiny cheek.

 

"So small, so precious" Niall murmured "It's like holding you all over again. She needs a name, this little princess"

 

"Tay and I have chosen her names" Aoife admitted. Actually they had been sure from the moment their daughter was born but were wary of telling Niall, worried about his response so told everyone they were still considering.. "Her name is Caoimhe, Da , Caoimhe Nyla " And she immediately knew it was ok as she say Niall's face light up."She has both of your names"".

 

"Caoimhe Nyla" Niall bend his head and gently kissed the baby's head before passing her back to her mother.

 

"Da?" Aoife was quiet, hesitant as she took the baby back into her arms and sat down. "Do you want to talk about it? Your dream?" Niall sighed heavily and stared up at the ceiling.

 

"It's silly. I sometimes dream that she's with me, your Ma, and we walk together. She never speaks but this time she did and she said she wanted me to release her, so she could go, but I don't want that." Niall's eyes filled with tears again.

 

"Da, what you and Ma had was special. That can never be taken away but she's right, you need to let go. It's stopping you from being happy again, this holding on to her."

"I am happy" Niall almost snapped back.

 

"No, no you're not. Not really ,Da. You've never allowed yourself to be, always holding back, afraid of taking that step forward. Da, it's time, you gotta let go. Allow yourself to be happy again. For me, and if you can't do it for me, do it for Ma" Aoife stood up "Time to take this little lady back home" Aoife bent over and kissed her dad's cheek lightly then left. Niall returned his gaze back to the ceiling as slow tears trickled down his cheeks.

 

"Good bye, Caoimhs. I love you" he whispered and felt that a soft kiss had been pressed against his cheek then was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Aoife suffered from Placenta Abruption..where the placenta is torn away. I have described this accurately as how it felt when it happened to me with the first baby Iost but I didn't want Aoife to have the same fate. I lost another baby after that but so far my current pregnancy is hopeful.


	39. D*mn Milkshake!

After Niall had..finally..got released from the hospital, life settled down into it's normal routine. All the four men were incredibly busy as their reunion tour had really sparked up an interest with both fans and media , and regular interviews were lined up. The four men were finding it was kind of nice to be doing it all again , but this time the pressure wasn't there, they could actually enjoy the process. They even started talking about an album. No more touring though. They'd had a ball with the reunion but they had families now, other commitments. But making music together again, they all wanted that.

 

Niall had his head bent over his guitar, playing a few chords and singing, then stopping and scribbling words down. Jacey stood quietly in the doorway, watching him. She loved it when he was relaxed and, seemingly , happier . The side effects from the new treatment he was undergoing had subsided but Niall was, once again, painfully thin and tired easily. It was still a worry, though. It would be some time before they would know if the current treatment was working. Pushing her own worries aside, Jacey walked further into the room, capturing Niall's attention.

 

"Hey gorgeous" Niall immediately put his guitar down and stood to kiss Jacey. He breathed in her perfume as he held her closely. She felt warm and soft in his arms and, he admitted, just so right. Aoife had been right, he'd never felt this happy for years, and it was a good feeling. How did that child of his become so wise, so knowing? His heart still hurt when he thought of Caoimhe but it was lessening. Caoimhe would always be his first love but, as Aoife always said, the heart never runs out of love , so he had the ability to love others without diminishing what he felt for his beloved Caoimhe. He had that ability but the question he was now asking himself was should he?

 

"You're warm, sweetheart. How do you feel?" Jacey couldn't help her medical side surfacing despite having handed over Niall's care to Graeham, the doctor that Management assigned to One Direction when they reformed.

 

"Jacey" Niall immediately whined "just be my girlfriend , yeah and leave the medical cr*p out of it".

 

"Sorry, I worry" Jacey responded sheepishly.

 

"Well don't. Im fine. I'd say if I wasn't" Niall grumbled. Jacey groaned inwardly. No, Niall wouldn't say. That's what made her so protective. But now wasn't the time to push. It only made Niall back off and she wasn't prepared to risk that. She'd just keep a quiet eye on him and keep her thoughts to herself. She may not be his doctor anymore but she had direct access to Graeham.

 

"It's beautiful out. You should be out in the fresh air , not holed up in this stuffy room, working" She chided gently. "let's do something, just the pair of us. We could play some golf" she suggested making Niall roll his eyes.

 

"Angel, you can't hit a barn door at three paces using a football , never mind a little golf ball" Niall scoffed lovingly, making Jacey grin.

 

"Ok, you pick" She responded and Niall frowned in thought. What did he feel like doing? He was tired, too tired for physical activity but he didn't want Jacey to know. Mmmh. Tough one.

 

"How about a drive? We can take a picnic." He raised an eyebrow in question and , to his relief, Jacey immediately agreed. He'd managed to get keep how he was feeling from her, he thought. He sat back on the couch and closed his eyes as Jacey headed off to the kitchen to throw a picnic together. Why was he so exhausted? He'd not done anything physical today. Still, at least Jacey hadn't noticed. That was relief. She'd have had him in bed and called Graeham if she had guessed and he wasn't having that. He just wanted to be normal, to be left alone.

 

Jacey peeked into the room and saw Niall had fallen asleep. She went back into the kitchen and out of the door into the garden, her phone ready in her hand. Oh he was cute and he was crafty, but she had Niall's measure. He thought he'd covered it up well, but the slightly raised temperature, the tiredness, were ringing alarm bells. Time to speak to Graeham.

 

"Niall, wakey, wakey" Jacey shook NIall's shoulder gently and waited for him to slowly surface from his nap. "You ready to go?" Niall grinned at her and stood slowly, reaching into his pocket for the car keys which he tossed to her.

 

"You can drive," Niall aimed to sound casual. "I fancy being treated like royalty"

 

"You're Royalty , all right" Jacey said cheekily. "A right royal pain in the bum". She picked up the picnic hamper and led the way out, Niall following slowly, ignoring the slightly dizzy sensation, glad Jacey couldn't see his face.

 

"It's beautiful here" Jacey said as she looked out over the water. "So peaceful"

 

"Yeah, I come here when I need a bit of peace. When I need to ground myself. It's not Ireland but it helps. When I'm home I have this place I love, on the cliffs , not that far from home. It's always been my, sanctuary, I suppose you'd call it. It's my thinking place, somewhere that I am just Niall." Niall lay back looking up at the fluffy clouds as he spoke.

 

"It sounds very special. Will you ever take me there or is it...too...special?" Jacey was hesitant. Niall had allowed her to get closer to him lately but he still had that inner bubble she never could break through. It was Caoimhe, she thought sadly. Niall loved her too deeply to let go. She understood, of course she did, but she had fallen in love with this man and it hurt her to feel she was always being kept an arms length away.

 

"Maybe...one day..yeah " Niall said quietly, surprising Jacey. It wasn't a yes but it wasn't a no. It seemed like a brush off, somehow. "It's hard" Niall continued "but I'm trying, Jacey. Please, don't give up on me?"

 

"Never Ni, never" Jacey cuddled up to Niall and kissed his temple gently.They both stared up at the clouds in silence. Niall's thoughts had gone to his beloved place in Ireland and Jacey's place in his life while Jacey pondered her feelings for the sweet man next to her. It was hard to compete with another woman but even harder when that other woman was dead.

"It's getting cold" Niall broke away from his sombre thoughts "We should head back." . They both stood but Niall was hit by a dizzy spell and had to clutch onto Jacey until his world became level once more. "Jeez" he muttered 'Head rush!"

 

"Niall, are you OK? You're as white as a sheet" Jacey kept a steadying hand on his arm. "Come on, let's get you home. I'll call Graeham"

 

"No, I'm fine, honestly. I don't need Graeham. I just stood up too quickly and gave myself a head rush. I don't need a doctor" Niall broke away from her and stomped towards the Range Rover. Jacey bit her lip as she followed him. That man was so stubborn. He obviously wasn't well but why wouldn't he admit it. Well, she was calling Graeham, no matter what Niall said. He'd be mad at her but she had to do something. When would the man realise that he wasn't indestructible?

 

The journey became silent. Niall ignored Jacey's attempts to talk and she eventually gave up. He was like a grumpy toddler when he was in one of these moods and arguing with him was pointless.From time to time, Jacey darted glances at him as she drove but Niall stared resolutely forward, not acknowledging her presence. She loved him but right now she felt she could shake him hard. If there was only some way to get him to understand that paying attention to his health would benefit him. Niall seemed to think that ignoring things would make them go away then got angry when things got worse. Stubborn Irishman, she fumed to herself. Once the security gates of Niall's home had shut behind the car and Jacey had pulled up and stopped, Niall stumbled quickly from the car and entered the house. Jacey followed him and stood watching as he stalked up the stairs and into his bedroom, the door slamming shut behind him. Moments later she heard the shower running.

 

Graeham arrived quickly after getting a call from Jacey. She let him in quietly and they talked briefly before Graeham picked up his bag and headed upstairs to Niall's room. He knocked sharply on the door then entered immediately, not waiting for an invitation to enter. Niall was sprawled across his bed, just a towel wrapped around his waist. He'd been too tired to either dry himself off , nor get properly dressed.

 

"Hey Nialler" Graeham approached the bed and sat down on the edge "How's it going?" . Niall's eyes opened and he stared at Graeham with disfavour but didn't speak. Graeham opened his bag and took out various items of equipment. He began to examine Niall who lay there, neither helping nor resisting the doctor. Graeham made no comment but methodically and thoroughly went through his checklist before addressing Niall again.

 

"Got a bit of a temperature, lad. Not too high but we need to keep an eye on it. Blood pressure is lower than normal. Care to share how you're feeling?" Graeham smiled encouragingly at Niall who did his trademark shrug. "Come on Ni, work with me. Jacey is worried about you.

 

"I'm fine. When will you leave me alone?" Niall muttered turning his head away.

 

"When you grow up" Graeham said firmly "Now, let's try again. How are you feeling?"

 

"Tired, dizzy from time to time, bit breathless sometimes ." Niall finally admitted.

 

"OK. Just that?" Graeham enquired.

 

"Not hungry but my stomach's OK. Don't feel too sick or anything" Niall said and pushed himself up into a sitting position.

 

"I'll take some blood samples" Graeham said, rummaging in his bag again to extract the necessary equipment. "When do you see James again?"

 

"Next week." Niall sounded nervous. Graeham nodded his head in acknowledgement. A lot hung on that appointment as it would be when Niall found out if the recent treatment was worth continuing. Niall was obviously stressed out by the waiting. Graeham quickly took the blood from Niall's arm, carefully labelling the six vials . It was the quickest way to start eliminating things.

 

"Right, all done. Why don't you stay in bed, get some rest?" Graeham stood and waited until Niall had got under the bedcovers and curled up. "Jacey'll bring you something to eat later but some decent sleep is what's needed". He patted Niall's shoulder and left to go and speak to Jacey who was anxiously pacing back and forth, her mind running through all the things that could be wrong with Niall.

 

"Jacey, slow down. You'll wear a groove in the floor" Graeham laughed. 

 

"What's wrong? Is it serious?" Jacey was almost tripping over her words in her anxiety.

 

"Slight temperature, BP is a bit low and I've taken some samples so I can get blood work done. To be honest, nothing springs to mind. Possible anaemia, maybe. He's very underweight . What's his appetite like?"

 

"Not good. He picks at his food. Funny really, Louis told me once that Niall was a bottomless pit when it came to food. Now it's a battle to get him to eat enough.'" Jacey said wryly.

 

"Well, see if he'll eat later. I'll take these samples to the lab and get them tested. Call me if there are any more problems." Graeham picked up his bag and Jacey walked him to the door. Once he had left, she went into the kitchen and prepared some soup and a sandwich and took it up to Niall.

 

"Niall, angel, are you awake?" Jacey called softly ' looking at the huddled shape on the bed. Niall rolled onto his back then sat up.

 

"Yeah, I wasn't asleep." Niall rubbed his hand over his face as he spoke. "Mmmh, smells good"

 

"Just soup and a sandwich but you need to eat" Jacey placed the tray over his lap but Niall made no move to eat. Jacey picked up the spoon and scooped up some soup holding it to his lips, smiling when he swallowed a mouthful. She repeated the action a few more times but then Niall abruptly stopped and moved the tray onto his bedside table.

 

"Come snuggle" he whispered, taking Jacey into his arms and laying down, pulling her with him, under the bedcovers He buried his face into her long hair, breathing in her delicate perfume and humming contentedly. Jacey turned her head and kissed him gently and smiled when she felt Niall's cold hand slip under her shirt to rub soothing circles on her back. Niall started to return the kisses and soon they were both lost in their own little world.

 

"Niall, you're not wearing anything" Jacey suddenly realised. The towel Niall had had wrapped around his hips had long since fallen away. Niall blushed, making Jacey laugh. "Silly, I've seen it all before" she commented making Niall's cheeks glow an even brighter red."I'm feeling slightly overdressed in comparison. Maybe I should join you" she teased, expecting Niall to grow even more embarrassed, as he usually did.

 

"Maybe you should" Niall whispered, looking into Jacey's eyes, his own bright blue ones burning intensely.

Niall woke up with Jacey wrapped tightly in his arms, his face lit by an angelic smile as he remembered the previous night. It had been perfect. And more of the tiny cracks in his heart felt like they had been glued back together. He continued to hold her tight, content to wait for her to wake up. He wanted these moments before she woke up. They had got lost in each others arms and in each other. He thought back over their love making then suddenly got hit by panic as he remembered everything . What had he done? He'd allowed himself to get carried away . Guilt washed over him. He'd thought with his body and not his head. He hadn't expected it to happen. Hadn't been prepared. What is he'd made her pregnant.? He closed his eyes in horror.

 

Jacey slowly opened her eyes and looked up into Niall's face. His eyes were closed but he was awake. She felt the tension in his muscles. "Morning , handsome" she whispered and kissed him gently on the lips. His blue eyes flew open but he didn't lean into the kiss. He pulled back.

 

"I'm so sorry. I....Last night was…." he sounded scared, broken.

 

"Perfect. Last night was perfect" Jacey broke in. " It was wonderful, you are wonderful".

 

"You don't regret it? I shouldn't have...I didn't... I didn't use protection" Niall sounded as distressed as he felt.

 

"Niall, look at me." Jacey said firmly "I don't regret it. Don't you regret it either. It was a wonderful night. I love you. Please don't spoil it for us , for me, by wishing we hadn't."

 

"But what if I made you pregnant" Niall whispered.

 

"Niall, I'll probably never be able to have a baby. It's not impossible but it's medically unlikely. Don't rob me of the joy of a wonderful night. Please?' Jacey begged and watched Niall's face. He bent his head so their foreheads touched then he started to press soft kisses against her lips as he cuddled her close.

 

"Right Niall, it looks like the new treatment has definitely slowed things down." James Caldwell said cheerfully. "That's a positive sign. Any more trouble with side effects?"

 

"Not really, I mean I'm not being sick when I eat now but I'm not hungry and can't seem to manage much food at one meal." Niall admitted.

 

"Yes, that is a problem. More so because you are very underweight . It would be better if we could get your weight uncreased by at least another 20 lbs or so. How about you get together with our Nutritionist and see if we can come up with a better eating plan for you?" James raised an enquiring eyebrow as he looked across at Niall.

 

"Not keen but if you think I should" Niall slowly agreed.

 

"Good" James said "I think it will help. The problem is, I think, more due to your previous stomach issues rather than the MS but being physically healthier will benefit the control of your disease." He smiled when Niall nodded. "I'll get that arranged then." James made rapid notes on Niall's file.

 

"Apart from your physical health, how's life going for you these days?"

 

"Pretty good. Busy. The lads and I are talking about a new album. No more touring though. That's for youngsters" Niall grinned. James smiled because Niall still looked like he was barely out of his twenties and here he was talking like an old man, not one barely in his forties.

 

"Sounds productive. And your social life? What's happening there?".

 

Niall blushed and looked down at his hands shyly . "I'm sort of involved with someone".

 

"Jacey?" James asked, not quite hiding hissmile.It was no random guess. He'd seen them look at each other and Niall was far more deeply affected by Jacey than he was willing to admit ,though everyone who saw the pair together, knew it was just a question of time. Niall nodded, his face lit up at the mere mention of her name. James was pleased. It really was just what the doctor ordered. It was good for Niall, he thought. Someone to love and spoil him. To bring that extra slice of happiness into his life to add to that provided by his daughter and granddaughter. Yes, just what Niall needed.

 

"As you may be aware, MS can cause problems with intimacy" James said in a fact of fact way though Niall was obviously very embarrassed by the subject. " We can offer you suggestions if there is a problem in that area though Jacey, as a doctor, will know how to deal with it" Niall just stared down at the floor, his face so crimson that even his small ears appeared to glow.

 

"No, everything's fine" Niall managed to choke out, embarrassment lacing every word.

 

" Good, then we don't need to worry about things in that department" James said brightly. " Well, as things are looking well enough for now, I'll get the appointment with the Nutritionist arranged and I will see you in three months time, unless you have any concerns. Just call if you do and we'll do our best to get it sorted." James and Niall both stood , shook hands, then Niall returned to the waiting room where Jacey was sat, waiting for him. Niall peeked quickly around the room and, seeing it was empty, pulled her in for a quick kiss.

 

A few weeks had passed and Niall was following the meal plans forced on him by the Nutritionist. He hated it and every meal was a battlefield. "Do I have to drink that stuff, it's vile!" Niall grumbled as Jacey passed him the fortified milkshakes the Nutritionist has suggested he drink in between meals. He was very slowly gaining weight and looking a lot more healthy but Niall hated not being able to eat and drink what he wanted, when he wanted it and the small amounts he wanted.

 

"Yes, you do, you big baby" Jacey said, struggling to keep her patience as Liam laughed. He had experienced Niall's stubborn streak for years and it amused him that Niall had finally met his match. Jacey refused to give in and inevitably won every little battle. She was quite the girl and so right for Niall.

 

"You drink some then" Niall challenged her. "It's supposed to be chocolate flavored. Chocolate! Ha!" Jacey took a mouthful to appease him.

 

"OK, you're right. It is vile...but you're still drinking it" She handed the glass back to Niall and stared at him until he started drinking it. She smiled when he placed the empty glass down on the table,moaning about it as he did so.

 

"Jacey? You OK?" Liam asked suddenly as all the color bleached out of her face. Jacey pressed her hand to her stomach which had started to do sudden flips.

 

"Ni, you're right" she murmured" it's made me feel sick" Jacey suddenly took off running to the bathroom and crashed onto the floor in front of the toilet. Her stomach heaved a few times then she was forcibly ejecting the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. Niall knelt behind her, in a state of panic. He didn't know what to do. All he wanted was to make her feel better. He put a gentle arm around her and spoke softly. After a few moments, Jacey sat back on her heels, her forehead shining with sweat.

 

"You think you've done, now?" Niall asked anxiously and got a confirming nod of the head from Jacey.

 

"Yes, I feel fine now. You're right. That chocolate shake is disgusting." Jacey said as Niall helped her to her feet.

 

"I think you ought to come and lay down for a while, just to make sure you're fine" Niall fretted though he could see that the color had come back into Jacey's previous chalk white face. She looked and sounded fine again but Niall continued to cluck around her like a fussy mother hen.

 

"I'm fine, Niall, really" Jacey said patiently as she lay down on the bed and allowed Niall tocover her up with a blanket. "It was just that milkshake, honestly". But she knew that she'd have to humor Niall. "I'll rest if you will" she bargained, making Liam laugh.

 

"You snuggle with your lady love, Nialler" Liam teased "and I see you both tomorrow." He waved a careless hand at them and left to return to his own family. . Jacey flipped the blanket aside and crooked a finger at Niall, signalling him to join her. He grinned briefly then got onto the bed next to her, cuddling her carefully.

 

Jacey woke a few hours later, Niall's soft breath caressing her face. He looked so peaceful as he slept. The stress that was often shown in his face was absent and he looked so young. She carefully brushed his hair off his forehead and studied his face lovingly. She never thought to love again and who would have thought that it would have been Niall Horan who had stolen her heart. She pressed into the warmth of his arms then just as suddenly, fought to untangle herself from his embrace as her stomach pitched and lurched. She raced to the adjoining bathroom. "D*mn milkshake" she thought as a wave of nausea gripped her."


	40. Don't Look My Love, Leap!

"Guys, it's great to have you with us today" Todd Raven said to his guests. " Your Reunion tour was a great success. Does this mean we can look forward to One Direction doing more work together?"

 

"The tour was amazing and we all had great fun but it was a one off" Liam replied "We've never really not been together since the band broke up. We've all stayed writing together, my son married Niall's daughter, as you know, but touring isn't going to stay in the mix."

 

"What's it like being a grandfather, Niall?" Todd turned his attention to Niall.

 

"Unbelievably wonderful " Niall said, his face lit up with pleasure. "Caoimhe is the cutest baby. Has us all wrapped around her tiny finger already. Naturally she's beautiful . She gets her good looks from me not Liam " Niall said sassily as Liam gave him a friendly punch on the arm.

 

"Caoimhe? Named for your late wife, we know. Niall, you've been single since Caoimhe passed away in that tragic accident. Have you thought about having another relationship. Remarrying? You're still relatively a young man and it's been a long time you've remained a widower. " Todd asked the question, the answer of which he knew that many of Niall's large army of fans were anxious to know.

 

"Mmmh, I don't think I have ever given it serious thought" Niall replied suddenly feeling like someone was sweeping the ground from under him. It made him nervous. " I mean, I have dated a few times and there is someone I care about but..well..not sure" He twisted his fingers together, a habit he had when he was very nervous or distressed.

 

"The someone you care about....would that be the Doctor that accompanied you for the later part of the tour? The media has shown several pictures of you together and you look very comfortable together, even showing the odd PDA" Todd probed, hoping to get a scoop for his show. Niall was looking very uncomfortable at the line of questioning but, just as Todd was about to wade in with another question, Liam jumped in with a bit of news that would change the subject.

 

"Niall's going to be too busy for love" Liam said cheerfully " He and Zayn are collaborating to work with a new band. Niall has written some pretty gritty stuff for them and now Zayn is taking over to produce their debut album.

 

"How's that working out for you? I mean there is a lot of history between you four men and Zayn. Wasn't there a time when you all were estranged from each other. Obviously you are back together but what is the story behind the split? The rumours have flown about but nothing has been confirmed officially. And Zayn's style of writing is completely opposite from that of your One Direction days. His lyrics are known to be explicit" Todd jumped in quickly. The media had never got any genuine information on the Zayn/One Direction situation and he was hoping he could force some answers out of them. He suppressed a self congratulatory smile as he watched the four men exchange fleeting glances. He'd get a scoop, he could feel it.

 

"Gritty stuff , Liam? " Louis jumped in quickly, not wanting to have to answer any Zayn questions . He could see Todd's body almost quivering with excitement . He had to block this line of questioning and do it quickly. "This is Niall we're taking about".

 

"Niall the bad boy" Liam confirmed. He picked up immediately on Louis evading tactics and worked with him to alter the line of questioning.

 

"Niall, the bad boy? Give it a break. Niall the church boy, more like" Louis quoted a line he had used years ago, making all four men collapse in laughter. Todd knew he has lost the chance then to get anything out of Niall, Louis or Liam. Maybe Harry? . He turned to Harry, who had been almost silent the whole interview.

 

"What about you, Harry. What are your plans?' Todd asked "Have you plans to work with Zayn?".

 

"I'm writing a little with Louis at the moment and I've just been cast in a new film role that I'm looking forward to doing. It's based on a band so it's making it even more exciting to work on." Harry ignored the mention of Zayn knowing that the Interview was about to end. Immediately he felt relief flood through him as Todd launched into winding down the conversation.

 

" We'll look forward to seeing it then. Well, I'm sad to say that's all we have time for today. Thank you for joining me today and I hope you'll come back soon." Todd turned back to face the camera. "I have been talking to One Direction and tomorrow we'll be joined on the show by "Hee2Shee N'back" , a new Transgender group that is taking the world by storm.

 

THe four men hurried off the set and waited patiently as they were un-miked by an assistant.

 

"Glad that's done" Liam said quietly as soon as the the man was out of earshot. "He didn't stick to the questions we were told he was to ask".

 

"When do they ever?" Louis replied , sounding a little bitter. "I was about ready to land him one.

 

"Glad you didn't: Harry responded "That really would have stirred the hornet's nest" He smiled at Louis who grinned back.

 

"Yeah, think how that would have got twisted!" Liam laughed.

 

"Thanks, guys" Niall said gratefully "I was..well, thanks".

 

"No problemo" Louis reached out and ruffled Niall's thick blond hair. "Let's get out of here"

 

Niall snuggled up to Jacey, breathing in the scent of her shampoo as he ran his hand down the length of her hair. He'd always loved long hair on a girl, it was so feminine, somehow. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment. The room was quiet and still as the last of the sun slowly sank down, the brightness of the day slowly fading.The sky beyond the window glowed pinky red then softly dull as it became twilight.

 

"Ni?" Jacey's voice broke the silence. She moved to rest her head on Niall's shoulder as she pulled at a loose thread on his sweater.

 

"Mmmmh?" Niall murmured softly.

 

"Have you ever..I mean..would you ever....maybe...want more children?" Jacey was hesitant.

 

"Never thought about it" Niall's reply was casual, almost uninterested.

 

"Oh" Jacey responded. Silence reigned again as Niall pulled Jacey tighter against his body and nuzzled into her neck, his breath tickling her skin. They stayed like that quietly until Nisall's body jerked suddenly and he pulled away, yelping in pain.

 

"F.ck" he squeezed his eyes shut and took slow, deep breaths as he waited for the pain to recede.

 

"Niall, are you OK?" Jacey immediately switched to doctor mode as she looked at his hunched body.His breathing regulated and his face relaxed.

 

"Sorry, pain. It's gone now. It was like an electric shock going through my body" he took a few more deep breaths then straightened up, smiling at her reassuringly.

 

"Maybe we should call Graeham" Jacey was worried. Wasn't the current treatment meant to prevent this from happening?.

 

"Nah" Niall smiled at her " It happens from time to time. It's gone now. Com'on let's cuddle" He moved back towards her and pulled her back into his arms. Jacey allowed it to happen but she could feel that Niall's body felt tense and, as they continued to cuddle, she felt his body heat increasing gradually.

 

"Please Niall, I'd feel happier if you did call Graeham" Jacey pushed her body away from him so she could look at his face.

"No, don't need to" Niall replied and Jacey saw the stubborn set of his features. "I'm hungry" Niall stood up and headed to the kitchen. "I'll make dinner".

 

Jacey looked at his retreating back with concern. Today wasn't going well and she was at a lose as to what she should do. She remained sitting there wondering just how she was going to be able to deal with things that needed to be said when the sound of crashing china and a loud thump emanated from the kitchen.

 

"NIall!' She screamed as she raced towards the now silent kitchen.

Jacey raced into the kitchen, her heart pounding in fear. Niall was sprawled on the floor surrounded by broken glass. He was conscious but one of his arms was bleeding profusely and there was already a small puddle of blood. Jacey crouched down beside him and, grabbing a dish towel, used it to try and stem the bleeding. It soaked through almost instantly. She quickly elevated his arm to slow the bleeding down and pressed hard against the gaping wound. She held her breath as she watched, releasing her breath out slowly as the bleeding slowed down , until it was just a slight flow.

 

"Niall?" She spoke quietly into his ear and he blinked at her slowly, looking bewildered. "What happened?"

 

"Pain" Niall whimpered "Please make it stop, Jacey. It hurts so much" He closed his eyes and hissed through his teeth as his body jerked as another bolt of pain jolted through him. A single tear slid from under his closed eyelids.

 

Jacey pulled her phone out of her back pocket and quickly called the emergency services. The cut in Niall's arm needed stitching and he had already lost a lot of blood. This wasn't something she could deal with alone. Jacey gave them concise information then ended the call, to wait for the Paramedics to arrive. It seemed to take forever but they were soon at the house. Jacey stood back as they loaded a barely conscious Niall onto a gurney and wheeled him out to the waiting ambulance. Jacey followed, climbing into the back with Niall and prepared to assist the Paramedics as they began checking Niall, monitoring his vitals

.

Jacey paced up and down the waiting room as she tried to calm her nerves whilst waiting for news. They had whisked Niall away immediately on arrival at the hospital ,and though she was a doctor herself, and knew he was getting the best of care, she was anxious. Her stomach churned and she swallowed convulsively. Now was not the time to be sick.

 

"Jacey, how is he ?" Liam hurried towards her, his face pale and strained.

 

"Don't know, Li. They are working on him now. He's a very deep cut on his arm from broken glass and he's lost a fair bit of blood. He was also in intense pain but whether from the cut or the MS, I don't know. He had been in pain earlier this evening but he swore he was OK and it was nothing." Jacey crumpled into a chair and the tears she had been holding back flooded down her cheeks. Liam sat next to her and pulled her into a comforting hug as he reassured her that Niall was being looked after and the doctors here would get it sorted. Jacey nodded numbly. "Does Aoife know?" she suddenly asked.

 

"Yeah, she and Taylor will be along as soon as they can. They are just waiting for my mum to look after the baby." Liam responded. Aoife had been nearly hysterical when he'd called her with the news and he hoped that Taylor had managed to calm her down.

 

"Horan family?" A doctor stood by the swing doors as she glanced across at Liam and Jacey. They hurried over, scanning her face apprehensively.

 

"How is he" Liam asked quickly.

 

"He's as well as we can expect right now. The gash in his arm has been stitched and should heal well although there will be scarring. He's lost a lot of blood so he is currently receiving a transfusion. Fortunately we did have some of his blood group available otherwise things might have been a little awkward. He is in shock."The doctor paused a moment then continued "He has been experiencing a lot of pain due to the MS. He has been able to tell us that he'd experienced a lot of pain this evening which resulted in him dropping the glass. It seems he then lost his balance and fell onto the broken glass resulting in the gash on his arm."

 

"Can we see him?" Jacey asked worriedly. She just wanted to see him with her own eyes. Until then she couldn't convince herself that Niall was going to be all right.

 

"Yes, certainly. They'll be moving him to a room shortly, so I shall sent a nurse to take you there as soon as we have him in bed and comfortable" The doctor smiled at them briefly then turned and went back through the swing doors. Jacey felt herself stumble as her knees went weak so Liam quickly supported her then walked her back to the chairs where they both sat again and waited .

 

"How is he? How's my Da?" Aoife ran towards them, Taylor close behind. She flung herself at Liam who hugged her gently.

 

"He's OK, babe. They are just getting him into a room and then we can go see him. Calm down, honey. Your Dad doesn't want to see you in a panic. It won't help him any . Deep breaths, now" Liam instructed firmly and smiled encouragingly at Aoife as she strove to master her emotions "OK now?" he asked and she nodded.

 

"Horan family?" This time a middle aged nurse stood by the door "If you'd like to follow me?" She led them through the doors , along a corridor towards the elevators. Once the doors opened at the fifth floor, she led them down another hallway, and indicated a door. "This is Mr Horan's room. He does need rest so please keep your visit brief. One person is welcome to stay with him overnight , however. I shall be at the nurses station if you need me. Just press the call button" She gave them a nod and walked away.

 

Niall appeared to be sleeping when they crept into the room. His face was as white as the sheet that covered him. An IV was slowly dripping blood into him, replacing what he had lost. He looked more child than man, so small did he appear in the bed. Aoife gently kissed his cheek and whispered "Da?". Niall's eyes opened and he looked confused for a few moments then he smiled weakly at his daughter, reaching out with his free hand to stroke her pale cheek with his fingertips.

 

"Hey pumpkin" Niall's voice sounded rusty. Liam grabbed the glass of water that was on the bedside locker and held it so Niall could take a few sips. Niall smiled his thanks to Liam . "M'sorry" he spoke again, more easily.

 

"What are you sorry for, mate?" Liam said.

 

"Just causing trouble for everyone. Seems like I am always sick and I hate it. I wish it would end. " Niall sounded very despondent.

 

"Mate, you don't cause trouble. You can't help getting sick" Liam said reasonably but Niall just shrugged and turned his head away. Liam was about to say more but there was a sharp tap at the door heralded the arrival of the nurse to tell them that their visit must come to an end in order for Niall to rest. Jacey waited until they had gone before pulling her chair closer to the bed and reaching out to hold Niall's free hand. He turned back and looked into her eyes, not speaking, but sighing gently before staring up at the ceiling. They sat there in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Jacey felt her stomach do the all too familiar flip and drop sensation. She held her breath, willing it to go away but the nausea only increased. She released Niall's hand and bolted for the bathroom attached to Niall's room, making it just in time.

 

"Jacey?" What's wrong?" Niall pushed himself up and tried to get out of the bed, only to feel the tug of the IV in his arm. He could hear Jacey vomiting but was helpless to do anything. He kept pushing the nurses call button in blind panic and gestured wildly at the bathroom when a breathless nurse appeared, at a run. He lay back anxiously as he heard the nurse and Jacey talking in soft voices, too quiet for him to hear the conversation. After another ten minutes, Jacey and the nurse emerged, with the nurse leaving immediately.

 

Jacey sat back down on the chair and took slow, deep breaths, willing her stomach to relax. Eventually it did and she looked at Niall whose face wore an anxious and strained look. She managed a half smile then reached out and held his hand again. He wrapped his hand around her fingers and squeezed softly as he continued to look at her, waiting for her to speak, to reassure him that she was all right.

 

"Ni, I.....I don't know how to tell you this. Please don't be angry with me. Promise?" She looked at Niall, a small crease of worry between her eyebrows. "You remember I told you that it was almost impossible for me to get pregnant because of health issues from the past? That if I did, it would be a miracle ? Well............." her voice tailed off. Niall just stared at her, his face expressionless, closed in. She waited but Niall still didn't speak. The silence grew longer and longer but Niall's expression didn't alter, his mouth remained closed. "Niall, please, say something, anything " Jacey pleaded.

Jacey felt her heart begin to race with anxiety. It was like Niall had turned to stone. He didn't speak, he didn't move, his face totally expressionless. Jacey whispered 'sorry' and hurried from the room, not looking back. Niall still didn't react. The nurse ,who ended the room shortly after Jacey had left , to do her routine observations, tried to engage Niall in conversation but with no response. He acted like he was in deep trance so, very worried, she summonsed his doctor.

 

"Shock. Extreme shock" it would appear" the doctor said " maybe delayed from the accident but I doubt it". He had examined Niall carefully , observing closely, but nothing seemed to add up. "Just keep checking on him and alert me if there is any change" the doctor told the nurse then left. He was quite puzzled as ,though Niall had been in shock when he first arrived at the hospital, this seemed increasingly odd.

 

"I'll just get you comfortable, then you can get some rest" the nurse spoke in quiet and soothing tones as she moved around Niall, taking away some of the pillows that had been supporting him, before pressing the controls to lower the head of the bed. Once the bed was flat, she made sure Niall was warmly covered before dimming the lights and leaving the room. Niall stared straight up at the ceiling. His face was blank but his mind was screaming at him. What had he done!

 

Liam frowned as his doorbell was being rung without break. He grumbled to himself as he went to the door and stood, shocked, at seeing Jacey standing on his doorstep, her eyes red rimmed and tears pouring uncontrollably down her cheeks.

 

"Jacey, honey, what's wrong. Niall!" Liam felt himself start to panic . Had something happened to Niall?

 

"I'm sorry, Li. I didn't know who to turn to" Jacey managed to say, in-between wracking sobs. Liam put his arms around her and walked her into the lounge. He got her sat in a chair then knelt down in front of her, holding her small hands in his own very much larger ones.

 

"Tell me?" he said simply. Jacey tried to get some air into her lungs, deliberately taking as deep a breath as she could manage. She sniffed and hiccuped then finally stopped crying.

 

"I'm pregnant, Li. And I told Niall. He just stared at me. Didn't say a word, didn't move. It was like nothing existed, I didn't exist . He was stone" . More tears slid down her face.

 

"Pregnant?" Liam asked, slightly bewildered . Jacey nodded . "But, I thought that you couldn't have children?'

 

"I thought so too. I was told that it was almost impossible but they were wrong. I was wrong. Now Niall must hate me" she sobbed.

 

"Oh ,honey. Niall would never hate you. You've broken down all the walls he put up when Caoimhe died. You've made him come alive again. He loves you, honey" Liam's voice held conviction. He'd known Niall for so many years, had been through so much with him , and he knew that Niall did truly love Jacey. "Look, why don't you go home, get some rest. Things will be better in the morning, yeah?"

 

"Thanks, Liam. I'm sorry to burden you this way. I just didn't know what to do" Jacey stood up and Liam stood with her.

 

"Get some sleep. Try not to worry. It's not good for you or the baby" Liam's voice was soft. He escorted her to the door then watched as she drove away. He stood looking at the retreating car lights, frowning in thought. Mind made up, he grabbed his own car keys, his wallet and jacket and , shutting his front door with a small slam, headed towards his own car. It was stupid, Niall was probably sleeping, but he could at least sit in his room and talk to him when he woke up. He had to get to the bottom of this. The behavior just didn't sound like Niall. There had to be something else going on and he, Liam Payne, was going to find out just what was the problem.

 

Liam started to creep quietly into Niall's room, anxious not to wake Niall as he knew he needed to rest. Immediately Liam knew something was majorly wrong. Niall was sat up in bed, struggling to breath, his lips blue as he groped uselessly , trying to find the call bell. Liam opened the room door and shouted for the nurse before racing back to Niall's bedside and trying to calm his friend down. In moments the room was full of medical staff and Liam found himself pushed outside of the room. He paced up and down, glancing at the closed door every time he passed it.

 

It seemed like hours and hours had passed although Liam's watch showed it had been less than forty five minutes in reality . The doctor eventually came out and told Liam that Niall had experienced a major panic attack and, although he was more settled, he was put on oxygen as a precaution due to his asthma. Liam was given permission to go sit with Niall under the understanding that he would not disturb Niall as he was sleeping. Liam readily agreed and entered Niall's room. He pulled a chair up to the side of the bed and played games on his phone as Niall slept. This soft hiss of the from the oxygen mask and the sound of gentle breathing were the only sounds to be heard.

 

Liam shut his phone off and closed his eyes to rest them. He was tired but he wasn't able to nap. His mind was trying to process what Jacey had told him. He yawned widely then his eyes popped open when he heard movement. He relaxed immediately when he saw it was just a nurse who had come into the room and was fussing over Niall. Obviously satisfied, she smiled briefly at Liam and left as quietly as she had entered. Liam was about to close his eyes again when he saw, in the dim light, the gleam of Niall's eyes .

 

"NIaller?" Liam spoke very softly, not wanting to startle his friend. Niall slowly turned his head towards Liam , slow tears trickling down his cheeks.

 

"Li…I've really f.cked up" Niall whispered.

 

"Mate, no" Liam said reassuringly but Niall only shook his head in denial.

 

"I got Jacey pregnant. How f.cked up is that ?" Niall continued as if Liam hadn't spoken.

 

"Let me get this straight." Liam said "Jacey is pregnant and you think that is a f.ck up. Why?"

 

"Are you an idiot?" Niall said, his voice getting louder as he felt anger surging inside himself. "I got her pregnant, we're not married and I have MS".

 

"What part of that makes me an idiot?" Liam asked in a conversational tone. He could see Niall was angry but knew the anger was not directed at him. Niall seemed furious with himself. "You obviously love her, you can marry her , if that's what you both want . The MS? What's the problem? Jacey knows about it, she's a doctor, for heaven's sake. I don't see….."

 

" You don't see?" Niall butted in immediately ." What happened when it gets worse? Jacey won't want to be tied to a man who's likely to become a physical wreck. And what right have I to father a child knowing what will happen?" Niall hadn't given Liam a chance to finish his sentence before he had exploded .Now Liam knew what was troubling Niall. It wasn't the baby, or Jacey as such, it was how they would be affected in the future.

 

"Niall, mate. I love you but right now I could throttle you" Liam sounded stern " I had Jacey crying her eyes out on my shoulder last night . She thinks you hate her for being pregnant. Mate, you didn't talk to her. You left her hanging, the poor girl. She's in a terrible state. She didn't get pregnant by herself, bro. Ni, , you need to talk to her".

 

" I know that! I got her pregnant. I am the f.ck up . Don't you think I don't know that? Talk? And say what? I love you but having a baby with me isn't a good idea?" Niall said hotly.

 

"Mate, you need to talk to Jacey. You need to tell her what you're worried about and mate...." Liam paused and looked Niall right in the eyes " you need to let Jacey tell you how she feels. Whatever you both feel like, there is now a third life involved". Liam put his hand into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He scrolled rapidly through his contacts and selected one. He waited until the call connected then handed the phone to Niall. "Talk" he said as he walked out of the room.

 

" Hello " said the voice at the other end.

"J-J-Jacey ?" Niall stuttered out. "It's -uh-Niall" He paused. What the h*ll was he supposed to say? He lapsed into silence. Jacey held her tongue and waited for him to continue. There was the sound of a deep breath and Niall managed to continue "Can we talk?"

 

"We need to" Jacey responded. "Do you want me to come to you or…?"

 

"Can you come here. I mean, I don't know when I'll be discharged and I....we...need to get this sorted. I'm sorry about yesterday. I guess it was the shock, I was overwhelmed" Niall sounded anxious and Jacey felt concern wash over her. She hated it that he was upset but this needed to be faced up to, decisions made, one way or another.

 

"I'll be there soon" Jacey ended the call without saying goodbye. She felt too emotional. D*mn hormones, she thought.

 

Niall threw Liam's phone down on the bed and covered his face with his hands, only pulling them away when he heard Liam come back into the room.

 

"And?" Liam asked as he picked up the discarded phone and pocketed it.

 

"She's coming over now to talk" Niall said slowly "Li, I don't know how to do this. I don't know what to say, how to explain it to her. She deserves the world, not a man who is likely to turn into a wreck at any time. What sort of life is that for her? And the baby...I ...I. I just...." Niall stopped talking and shook his head.

 

"Nialler, I know you love Jacey. Anyone can see it, even if you are too blind to see yourself. You've lost so much in your life and here's a second chance is being offered to you on a plate . Don't screw it up mate just because you're too stubborn to accept the gift. Promise me you'll listen to her?" Liam spoke seriously." Look, I'll clear out, give you some space. Don't mess up, lad". With that, Liam left.

 

Niall lay back his eyes closed. When Jacey entered the room, she initially thought he was sleeping until she noticed his fingers twisting and untwisting the sheet that covered him. She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled his fidgeting hands into her own, stilling their nervous movement. Niall's blue eyes flew open and he stared at Jacey in distress.

 

"Hey" Jacey spoke gently .

 

"I'm sorry" Niall suddenly burst out. "I didn't mean to upset you yesterday. I ..you took me by surprise. I guess I was overwhelmed by it all. I mean, when we..that night...I worried I'd made you pregnant. Then you said it probably couldn't happen so I...but it did and I'm just......" Niall said disjointedly as so many thoughts swirled through his head as he tried to explain to Jacey. He took some calming breaths as he strove to be more coherent. "I don't think I can do this. I mean, what if I get worse. It's not fair on you. How can I be a father. Aoife is grown up but a new baby. I..oh Jacey.."

 

"Niall, I'm not sorry. I want this baby, and I am keeping it. I am strong enough to do it alone if I have to. You don't need to be involved. I don't and won't hold you responsible. But if you do want this, I am also strong enough for the three of us. Your choice, I'm not forcing you" She paused and looked at Niall's pale face. "Ni, your exhausted. Why not get some rest and we'll talk later." She fluffed his pillows, lowered the head of the bed down, dimmed the lights then sat down next to Niall again , holding his hand gently between her own two. "Rest" she said firmly and Niall obediently closed his eyes.

 

Niall wanted to rest but his brain was churning and he tried to reason things out. Liam was right. He did love Jacey. He never thought he'd ever care for anyone so much again after he lost Caoimhe. But she had somehow broken through the barriers he'd erected. And a baby? But what could he offer them. He knew his MS could escalate at any time. Was he being fair on them? But was he being fair if he allowed Jacey to walk away? His head started to ache and he willed himself to to relax. Without realising it, Niall drifted into a deep sleep.

 

Jacey rested her head down on the bed next to her hands that were still entwined with Niall's. She felt hot tears slide down her cheeks. Hormones, she told herself sternly, it's just hormones messing with me. Then she slid into sleep.

 

Niall slept on, a small smile graced his face as he saw Caoimhe in his dream. It had been months since he had dreamed of her. He had let he go, as she had requested, but here she had come back to his dreams. She stood in from of him, smiling her beautiful smile. Then he swore he heard her speak.

 

"Don't Look My Love. Leap !"

 

And she was gone and Niall knew. He just knew. Everything was perfectly clear to him.

 

Jacey sat up groggily and smiled apologetically at Niall who was staring at her, a strange expression on his face. He pressed the controls on the bed and raised the back until he was sitting up. He studied her face, that strange look unaltered. Then he spoke.

 

"Jocintha Marie Marks. Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife...if you'll have me" Niall held his breath and waited. He'd done it, he'd taken that leap!


	41. Mission Accomplished!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Although the medical treatment mentioned is currently still in the research stage, it really exists. As this part of the book is actually in the future, I am pretending that it is past that stage and is being successfully used.

Jacey just stared back at Niall, stunned. Had he really just proposed? Only a few hours ago, he had been telling her all the reasons why marriage and a baby wasn't a good idea, yet here he was, proposing.

 

"Niall, look, I know you don't want this. You don't need to do this out of guilt or a misplaced sense of duty or honor, or whatever" Jacey said, her voice firm.

 

"I want to" Niall responded earnestly " I'm not trying to do it because it's the right thing...well, it is the right thing..but I want to marry you because.....I love you" Niall whispered the last three words, almost in shock that he had said them. He'd finally admitted the truth. "I love you ....and I want you...you and the baby. Please?" his voice took on a pleading tone as he willed Jacey to see it was true.

 

"Yes...YES!" She shouted and Niall flung his arms around her, a big smile wreathing his face.He pulled her even closer and started to kiss her and soon the only sound was of whispered endearments and soft kisses.

 

"Looks like we've a wedding to plan" a satisfied voice said, making the kissing couple break apart. "I was wondering if you both would actually get around to finding out what the rest of us have known for some time" Aoife spoke in tones of great satisfaction as she came into the room, holding her baby in her arms. "Da, Jacey, I am so happy for you".

 

" How long have you been standing there " Niall said, looking very flustered.

 

"Long enough" Aoife replied "I was beginning to think I'd better leave, it was getting a little steamy there".

 

You don't mind? You really don't mind?" Niall asked nervously.

 

"No, Da. I really don't mind" Aoife bent down and kissed first him, then Jacey "It's about time you did something good for yourself. You deserve to be happy".

 

"Umm, Aoife, there's ..ah....something else we need to tell you" Niall was blushing and very hesitant. What if Aoife disapproved. He took a deep breath but Aoife spoke before he had the chance.

 

"When's the baby due? I'm so excited to have a brother or sister." Aoife looked from Jacey to Niall, smiling to herself when she saw her Dad's red face and Jacey's somewhat stunned expression. "What?" Aoife continued " didn't you think I had put two and two together when Jacey stopped drinking alcohol and was often sick? Come on guys, I recognise the signs of pregnancy. I've had a bit of practise!"

 

"I don't know what to say" Niall finally said "I mean I just found out myself, yesterday and you…knew?".

 

"Da, honestly. One day you'll work it all out. Do I really need to give you a lesson on the birds and bees?" Aoife said cheekily. "Jacey, you are going to have to educate the man. And maybe he'll stop blushing at the mention of sex. Now, are we wedding planning or not?"

 

Looking back, Jacey wondered where the time had gone since the day Niall had proposed. They'd had a quiet wedding with just close friends and family to witness the event. They had both had the big white weddings and didn't feel the need to do it again. Simplicity was what they both craved. Simplicity and privacy, and they had for their special day. Jacey pressed a hand to the small of her back as she stood up. The baby was due almost any day now and she was tired of not seeing her feet. Much as she had enjoyed her pregnancy, she was also ready for the baby to be here. She slowly headed up the stairs to the bedroom where Niall was sleeping.

 

Niall was enduring a flare up of his MS and, though he tried hard to cover up how he was feeling, Jacey knew, and was worried. Niall was in a great deal of pain, very tired and obviously suffering far more than he would ever admit. The Specialist wanted to hospitalise him but Niall was having none of it, not when the baby was due any day now. Jacey slowly walked into the room and gazed down at her sleeping husband, his face covered with a light sheen of sweat. She brushed his hair off his forehead then bent clumsily to kiss him softly. His blue eyes opened immediately and he gave her a gentle smile.

 

"How are my babies?" he asked quietly, reaching to rub her tummy tenderly.

 

"We're just fine. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you" Jacey sat slowly down on the side of the bed, a hand cradling her swollen belly.

 

"I wasn't sleeping. Just thinking" Niall admitted "Wondering if our baby is a boy or girl".

 

"We'll know soon enough. I'll glad we didn't ask. There are not many surprises in life, so it's nice to have one. I just hope it happens soon. I've forgotten what my feet look like" Jacey said ruefully.

 

"You're beautiful" Niall whispered as he placed a hand over the one Jacey had resting on her belly "Both of you" and he pushed himself up to kiss her cheek. "Come snuggle with me....please?" he looked at her with his bright blue eyes and she instantly agreed. He wriggled over and she lay on her side , her back to his chest so he could cradle both her and belly with his arm. He was kissing her neck when she felt him freeze and knew instantly that he was in pain. But she said nothing as she knew he'd deny it. Jacey bit her lip. Yes, the baby needed to come and come soon. Only then would Niall agree to letting the doctors help him. Whether it was the comfort of each others bodies or tiredness, but both of them fell asleep.

 

Jacey woke to a tight feeling across her belly. She hissed in pain but it soon passed away. She gently eased herself from under Niall's arm and stood up. She was half way to the bathroom when she felt a gush between her legs and realised her waters had broken. She was briefly stationery with shock then acknowledged the truth, Baby Horan was coming. She slowly went into the bathroom and cleaned herself up, pausing only briefly as her belly tightened again. She breathed through it, then dressed before gathering up clothing for Niall. Walking carefully but with purpose, she returned to the bedroom and gently woke her sleeping husband.

 

"Niall?" she shook his shoulder gently "It's time" she smiled at him as he looked at her with a mixture of alarm and wonder. "Baby is coming" Niall struggled his way out of the bedding and began to dress in the clothes Jacey had for him. He moved slower than normal, his sight and balance not helping him much. Jacey kept an eye on him as she rang Liam who promised he'd be there in minutes. "Calm down, sweetheart" Jacey admonished Niall as he fretted with his shirt. She brushed his hands aside and buttoned it for him, gritting her teeth as another contraction hit, much sooner than she expected.

 

"When you get the next contraction, I want to to push as hard as you can and for as long as you can" the doctor said and Jacey nodded, too tired to speak. She felt that she had been pushing forever and yet the baby still wasn't born. She felt the contraction start and, as it continued to build, she pushed, crushing Niall's hand as she bore down.

 

"Good girl, you're doing so well" Niall encouraged her as he gave a small kiss. "Baby is nearly here, love. Not much longer".

 

"And another push like that" the doctor said and baby will soon be with us". Jacey waited for the contraction then pushed.

 

"Stop pushing, just pant for me" the doctor instructed.

 

"What's wrong" Jacey's voice was high pitched with anxiety.

 

"It's ok, just need to move the cord. Push with the next contraction". Jacey did as she was told then , after a few more big pushes, she felt the baby sliding out into the doctors waiting hands.

 

"Daddy, would you like to cut the cord?" Niall nodded and did so, his hands shaking with the strength of his emotions. The doctor then saved the stem cord blood carefully. Niall noticed and, though he was curious, put it from his mind. His thoughts were all for Jacey and the wonderful gift of a new life she was giving him.

 

A few seconds later, then an indignant whail was heard and a tiny body was laid on Jacey's chest.

 

"A son" Niall whispered, awestruck "I have a son".

 

"Indeed you do" the doctor agreed. She smiled at the couple and allowed them to admire the baby before a nurse came to take the baby to be checked over while Jacey delivered the placenta and was then cleaned up.

 

Niall sat next to Jacey's bed, cuddling his son. His son. He could hardly believe it. He had been really blessed, he realised, despite everything. He had his Aoife and now he had his precious son. He had named his son in his head but wondered if Jacey would agree. But for now, the title 'son' was enough. Jacey smiled at the expression on Niall's face. She stealthily got her phone and snapped several pictures of her husband and son, to capture that moment.Putting down the phone, she held out her arms towards the baby.

 

"My turn !"

"Jacey, I know we kind of thought of a few boys names but I was wondering....."Niall paused, not quite knowing how to express his feelings."You remember the lads talking about when Zayn left the band, how I fell apart?"

 

"I do" Jacey said, wondering where this was going. Was Niall wanting to call the baby Zayn? She knew that he and Niall had patched things up, spoke regularly but even so..surely not?"

 

"Yeah, well anyway, I went through a really bad patch, didn't think I'd get through it. Probably wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the lads. They were all great but..." Niall stopped again.

 

"Ni, just spit it out, for heaven's sake" Jacey said in exasperation.

 

"Right, yeah, well....Louis was amazing and....Louis Malachi.....for the baby?" Niall looked at Jacey, his blue eyes wide and pleading. Jacey looked down at the baby she held close to her and smiled.

 

"Louis Malachi" she said softly " Perfect" and knew, the moment she looked up at Niall, how much it meant to him, that it was important that he could finally acknowledge that it had been mainly Louis, that had kept him alive at a time when he didn't want to live." It's so nice he'll have his godfather's name" she continued, getting an even bigger smile from Niall.

 

They sat there in comfortable silence, each looking at their son with wonder. Eventually Jacey made up her mind , hating that she had to raise the subject, but the baby was a week old now and Niall, though he tried to cover it up, was still losing weight and was often in pain. She knew he wasn't going to like it but he needed to get treatment sooner, rather than later. She'd already spoken to James Caldwell and Graeham, both who agreed that Niall needed to be hospitalised and treatment started. Jacey hoped she could persuade him to listen but Niall was so stubborn. She took a deep breath and spoke.

 

"Niall, sweetheart, I know you'll be against this but you need to get help. You're not doing well and I know you're in constant pain. I left it because I knew you'd not do anything before the baby arrived, but he's here now " Jacey looked at Niall ,who was frowning as he stared down at the floor.

 

"No" Just the one word.

 

"Niall, please" Jacey begged but Niall stood up and left the room, stumbling slightly , his balance having got progressively worse the last few days. Jacey sighed then reached for her phone and placed the call. After a ten minute conversation, she ended the call and smiled to herself. Louis was , indeed, a good friend. Jacey made another call. Things were falling into place. This might just work.

 

"Where's my boy?" Louis called out as he bounded into the room with his usual energy, making Niall groan slightly. "I want my cuddle". Louis extracted his namesake from Niall's arms and sat down to admire the little baby. He cooed at him gently as he grasped the baby's tiny fingers with his own. Niall quickly photographed their entwined fingers and posted it onto both Instagram and Twitter. It was too cute not to share.

 

"Why are you here?" Niall asked casually "Not that it isn't great to see you, mate".

 

"Ah, I've come to take you out for the afternoon. A little fresh air, a nice drive" Louis responded just as casually. " Aoife and Jacey are having mommies and babies time together ,so we're having a lads outing. You up for it?"

 

"Yeah, I am. It'll be nice" Niall said sounding a little more cheerful to Louis relief. Part one of his mission accomplished, Louis thought, as he smiled at Niall before suggesting they head out.

 

Louis drove around the countywide for an hour, car windows down, letting a cooling breeze into the car. Niall leant back in the passenger seat, enjoying the sensation of the soft air on his face. After a time, Louis suggested they find somewhere to eat and not too long afterwards found a nice looking pub that served meals. He parked quickly and ushered Niall inside. It was a lovely, old fashioned place, and had an excellent menu. Their meals chosen, both men talked in a desultory fashion until their food arrived. Part two of his mission was complete, Louis thought in satisfaction. He hoped things would continue to go well.

 

"Not hungry, Nialler?" Louis said softly as he watched Niall push his plate away after taking only a few mouthfuls.

 

"No, not really" Niall said. "I mean, I was hungry but I just don't want to eat now it's here. I'm just tired, I guess".

 

"Niall, I know you hate hospitals, but maybe you need to see James?" Louis kept his tone quiet, aiming not to sound too pushy ,knowing how stubborn Niall could be. He didn't want to force the issue but he knew how worried Jacey was about Niall and he could hardly ignore the evidence of his own eyes. Niall wasn't doing well. Niall just shrugged and looked out the window.

 

"Mate, you have to look after yourself. "Louis pursued the point "Jacey is worried about you. We are too. You need to be sensible, bro. Look, how about I take you to see James? Just let him check you over? If he says you're fine, we'll leave you in peace". He gave Niall a long, steady look. Niall met his eyes briefly then looked away, not responding.

 

"Mate, you can't ignore this. " Louis spoke kindly but firmly, his sensible side coming to the surface. "Ni, you owe it to that new son of yours to be sensible."

 

"You'll leave me alone if James clears me?" Niall clarified reluctantly.

 

"Pinky promise" Louis replied holding up his little finger. Niall twined his own around it and they both gave a little shake. Louis looked at his watch. "Now we have established that, if you're ready, you have an appointment with James in an hour and a half. We'd better get moving".

 

"You had this planned you f.cking ba$t@rd"Niall's tone was accusing.

 

"No sense in getting older if you don't get crafty with it" Louis said cheerfully. "Move it, Horan" and he stood, flung an arm over Niall's shoulders and led him back to the car. "Time to get the show on the road." Louis grinned to himself as he set in motion the third and final part of his mission .

 

"Niall, Louis. Nice to see you both. I understand things are not as good as they could be right now, Niall" James Caldwell smiled at the two men as he spoke. Louis looked his usual bright and cheerful self and Niall wore his familiar stubborn look. James remained undaunted. He'd got to know Niall well over the last few years and knew that it was just Niall's way of coping with his fears. He called his nurse who appeared almost immediately. "You know the drill , Niall. If you'll go with the nurse and get ready, I'll be along in a moment." Niall went out with the nurse, Louis following.

 

Niall did his usual grumble about having to wear the stupid gown. Normally he just stripped down to his boxers but this time the nurse was having none of it. She went about her own checks very efficiently and had Niall weighed, measured and blood samples taken before James entered the examination room. James examination of Niall was equally efficient and very thorough. He seemed very unruffled as he extracted truthful and, unusually detailed answers from Niall regarding his symptoms and pain levels. After what seemed to him to be hours, Niall was invited to dress and to come through to the office when he was ready. James left the room, and much to Niall's surprise, was whistling cheerfully. Niall frowned, totally puzzled.

 

"Take a seat , gentlemen" James said, still cheerful, as he waved a hand at a group of comfortable looking armchairs. He took a seat opposite them and waited until they were settled. A tap on the door heralded the arrival of his secretary bearing a tea tray which she placed on the coffee table between them before leaving the room. Niall's forehead creased in a confused expression. Tea? Was James going to tell him something bad ? Was tea supposed to soften the blow? He started fidgeting with his shirt.

 

"Relax, Niall" James said, recognising the signs that Niall was beginning to get distressed. "Have some tea. I think you are going to be quite happy with what I am about to tell you." He smiled at Niall who gave him an even more confused look. "There's a treatment I want to try on you, it's still in the experimental stages but has been very successful for others so I am hoping you'll also be fortune." This had Niall leaning forward in his chair, blue eyes trained on James as he waited.

 

"When your son was born, Jacey asked for the cord blood to be collected. Cord blood contains very powerful stem cells. I am planning to use the harvested stem cells to try and reboot your immune system again. It will be similar to the treatment you underwent 20 years ago but medical advancements will make it a far less harrowing experience than last time . I can't guarantee it will work as it is still in it's fairly early stages , but it's worth a shot. I want to know if you're up for it?" James asked seriously.

 

"When can it be done" Niall asked eagerly.

 

"Hold your horses" James laughed "let's talk it through and I 'll explain." .Louis took a discreet photo of Niall's face as he listened intently to James , sending it to Jacey , captioning it " Mission Accomplished".

"Nervous?" Jacey asked as she rubbed Niall's arm gently "It will be fine. You'll be fine".

 

"I'm not sure, Jace. I mean, I want this but I'm scared. What if it doesn't work?" Niall's voice shook slightly though he tried to not to let his nerves show.

 

"If it doesn't work, then we're no worse off than we are now and we'll deal with whatever happens. But it's going to work, Ni. It will work and you'll be completely healthy again. Our baby was a miracle just by being conceived and he's brought an extra miracle with him by being born and supplying the cord blood. He's given you a chance at beating the MS . The stem cell treatment will work. I just know, deep in my heart, that it will" Jacey let confidence flood her voice. She knew the chances of this new treatment working were good but even she was aware that there was a slight chance it could fail. But she didn't want Niall to be doubtful. She wanted him to go into this wholeheartedly confident. She mentally crossed her fingers.

 

"Let's do this" Niall smiled at her then turned to Louis. "I'm ready to go". He hugged Jacey tightly then picked up his baby son for a final cuddle."I'll miss you both, he whispered then handed the baby to Jacey. "Come on, before I start crying" Niall said then hurried out of the door. He didn't look back because he knew he'd never leave if he did.

 

The drive to the hospital was quiet. Niall was lost in thought and Louis instinctively knew that Niall needed this time uninterrupted. The next few weeks were going to be hard for Niall. The new treatment meant he'd have to be in isolation until the treatment had been completed as his immune system was going to be destroyed before the stem cell treatment was applied. He'd be away from his family, only able to see them through a window, talking over an intercom system. Yes, it would be hard but the prize of good health would be worth it.

 

Doctor Corder had finished doing all the final checks on Niall as James Caldwell entered the room, followed by Louis who had been waiting impatiently for the doctor to be finished.

 

"Ready for this , Niall ?" James asked.

 

"Ready as I'll ever be" Niall with a single nod of his head. He felt sick with nerves. Doctor Corder had explained very clearly what was going to happen. Tomorrow morning he was going to be given a major blast of chemotherapy (A/N whilst the stem cell treatment exists this bit is pure fiction). The side effects would be very severe but short-lived as the new drugs by far superseded those of twenty years ago. Once the side effects had been dealt with and Niall was feeling stronger , he'd undergo scans to make sure that everything was clear. Then he'd receive the powerful stem cells that had been harvested from his baby son's cord blood. It would be a tense time then final scans and tests would reveal the results.

"Then we'll start tomorrow. I've prescribed some medication to make sure you get a good rest tonight, then tomorrow we'll start." James and Doctor Corder both shook hands with Niall and Louis then left the two younger men together.

 

"Stop worrying, Nialler" Louis said as he pulled Niall's fingers from his mouth. ""You'll have no nails left at this rate"

 

"Can't help it. I'm nervous as f.ck. Then there's Jacey and the baby" Niall admitted.

 

"Mate, I'll look after them. You look after you. This is going to work and the sooner it's started, the sooner you're going home." Louis said encouragingly. "Look, I'd better go. You need to get some sleep. Big day tomorrow." Louis stood up and gave Niall a hug, then ruffled his hair. "Good luck, lad. But you don't need it. You've the luck of the Irish!" he waved a hand and disappeared out of the door leaving Niall alone with his own thoughts.

 

 

Niall lay back against the pillows enjoying a brief respite from the almost constant vomiting the chemotherapy had triggered. He hadn't expected the nausea to kick in almost immediately. Twenty years ago, it had taken a few sessions of chemo before it had made him sick. This had taken just a few hours. His stomach hurt so badly as each time he was sick, it felt like his stomach was turning itself inside out. His own fault, he thought gloomily. Payback fro his suicide attempts. Though those attempts were in the long and dark past, the damage it had done to his stomach had been permanent. He groaned again and grabbed the bowl as another wave of nausea washed over him.

 

"Here, you are, sweetie" a nurse appeared, holding a covered tray. "I know you hate needles but this will help with the nausea" . She swiftly injected the medication into Niall's arm. Much as he still hated needles, he was grateful. He was so utterly worn out and would do almost anything to stop himself being sick. The nurse changed over his IV then went into the bathroom and remerged with a bowl and a wash cloth to bath Niall's face and hands. "Once this has all stopped, we are moving you to the isolation Unit. You'll stay there until the the final stage of treatment has been completed and we have the results." Niall nodded, too exhausted to respond. He just prayed this would all be worth it.

 

"Can't I walk?" Niall said fretfully as the masked and gowned nurse helped him into a wheelchair to take him to the isolation unit. "I can walk, you know".

 

"Sorry sweetheart, hospital rules" the nurse told him as she prepared to take him through to the Isolation Unit. His immune system was breaking down following the chemo and he had to be protected from any possible illness as even getting a cold would prove very serious. Niall grumbled to himself as he was pushed down a very short corridor. All doctors and nurses treating him would be gowned and masked. Visitors couldn't even enter the room. Niall's eyes filled with tears. He wouldn't be able to kiss his wife or cuddle his baby son, just see them through a window. He felt so miserable.

 

Niall curled up into a ball and allowed the tears to fall unchecked. He felt really ill, everywhere ached and he felt so lost and alone. Jacey had brought the baby to see him but not being able to hold either of them was too much for Niall to deal with. Jacey had tried her best to cheer him up but talking through an intercom and only being able to see each other through a glass window had taken its toll on both of them , and Doctor Corder had suggested that Jacey curtail the visit as Niall was becoming more and more distressed. She had reluctantly left and Niall succumbed to his depression.

 

The days seemed to drag by and Niall felt lower and lower as time went on. He had received the stem cell therapy through an IV drip. He had laid there, watching it slowly drip into his body, praying hard that it would work. The chances were good, he knew that , but it was harder for an adult to go into remission and he had been warned that he might need another transplant, this time from another blood cord donor. It had been enough of a miracle that he had been compatible with Baby Louis, This way, at least he knew his body was unlikely to reject the treatment. If he needed a second transplant, could he possibly be that lucky for it to be an absolute match. The waiting was the worst. Did it work? What if it didn't? Niall was driving himself mad constantly thinking about it.

 

"Good Morning, Niall". Doctor Corder, the Oncologist in charge of his treatment walked in and stood by the bed. "I've arranged for your scans to be done tomorrow. The nurse will come shortly, and collect the various blood samples, etc we need. Then we'll see how things are doing". He smiled at Niall then bid him goodbye. He had barely left the room when a nurse arrived with all the paraphernalia she would need to do what was required. Niall groaned. He just wanted to get away from this place. Gritting his teeth, he gave himself over to the nurse's ministrations.

 

The next day passed in a blur as Niall was heavily sedated. He had started to panic at the thought of being enclosed in the scanners but the sedation had dampened down his anxiety very quickly, leaving him with a weird , floaty session that made him feel completely divorced from the reality going around him. Once it was all over, Niall was returned back to his room where he fell into a proper sleep, not stirring until the next morning.

 

Niall was sat staring at the TV, eyes fixed on the screen but his thought far away. All he could think about was the results. Had it worked? Was he finally going to be free of MS? His head jerked to the door at the sound of it opening and he pushed himself to sit up further as he fixed his eyes on the Doctors who had just entered the room. He scanned their faces but could reading nothing in their facial expression which were blank. He swallowed convulsively then, without knowing he was doing it, held his breath, waiting for them to speak. His vision started to grey then ,the next thing he knew, one of the doctors was bent over him, urging him to take some deep breaths.


	42. STAT! Flatline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N When doctors and nurses use the term 'stat' it means now as in it is very urgent.

Niall drew the air into his protesting lungs, wheezing slightly. The two doctors looked down at him as he shuddered slightly.

 

"Most people react after we give them their test results, Niall" James said "not before. Take a few more deep breaths for me. Blue is a pretty color , but not when it's the color of your lips. How do you feel now?"

 

"Nervous" Niall whispered "Scared".

 

"Understandable" James said as he sat down on the side of Niall's bed and pulled out the scan pictures. Niall eyed them , chewing his lip nervously. The other doctor stood next to James, arms folded, face serious. It made Niall feel even more shaky. "Here is the 'before' scan, if you like. See the white areas?" James indicated them with his pen. Niall nodded jerkily. "And this is the 'after' scan. You can see that the white area has shrunk to just a very tiny trace, here" James indicated the minute white area with his pen ". The stem cell treatment has worked enough to improve your condition but not enough to say we've totally cured it." Niall nodded gloomily. It was what he had been afraid off. "Now Niall, that's not the end. Let Doctor Corder explain." Niall fixed his eyes on the other doctor as he began to speak.

 

"Niall, the stem cell transplant was very effective but, as we explained to you before treatment started , adults often need a double transplant. The problem we have is that, due to your wife's fertility problems and age, combined with the major dose of chemo you had recently,it is highly unlikely that you be able to conceive another child . Your daughter, Aoife, volunteered to be tested to see if she could donate but, again unfortunately, she isn't an ideal match. We could try it at a pinch but it would likely not be successful. Our only other alternative is if we can find a volunteer donor who fits the bills completely or even , like Aoife, not quite ideal, but close. There is some idea that if we can get two donors who only half fit the bill, we can combine the cells in the laboratory to 'engineer' the perfect donation. (A/N the stem cell treatment is real, the 'engineering the perfect donation is pure fiction).

 

The plus side of all this is that we have bought you time. That and some excellent medication, should help keep you healthier for some time. There will be limitations but they will be nothing new. Eat healthily, avoid getting over tired, limit stress and generally be sensible. We can search the donor register for a match or a close match. We're not giving up Niall, not by a long shot. So don't you give up, either" Doctor Corder patted Niall's shoulder and left, leaving just James in the room.

 

"What are the chances of finding a donor?" Niall asked, disappointment flooding his face.

 

"A perfect match? I honestly don't know. A close match? Much better. Look, leave me to do the worrying. Jacey is bursting to get in here with your son. And I'm sure you'll be flooded with visitors now you've been cleared to allow them. Just don't get overtired. A few more days and you'll be up and out of here" James walked to the door and opened it. "He's all yours, Jacey" he called out and left laughing gently as Jacey rushed by him, the baby clutched in her arms.

 

"Hey Babes" Niall greeted her as he wrapped his arms tightly about the pair of them. "I finally get to hold you. It killed me only seeing you through glass".

 

"Me too. But it was worth it, you're going to be a lot better now" Jacey said as she brushed tears from her face.

 

"J, it didn't work…well not completely" Niall spoke despondently.

 

"Ni, it may not have been a miracle cure but it's still a miracle. You are better and there are more options available. I'm not giving up and neither should you." Niall smiled at her, a bit half heartedly at first then his smile increased.

 

"We got our own little miracle here, anyway" he said as he took little Louis into his own arms and cooed down at him. "wow he's heavier..and bigger!"

 

"Babies grow, Ni. And we're so excited to have you home soon. James said a few more days and you'll be discharged. I can't wait".

 

"Me neither, babes. I just want to get home with you and this little munchkin. And see Aoife and Caiomhe too. I've missed you all." Niall 's face lit up at the prospect of being home with his wife and having all his family around him again. "Just a few more days. I am so done with this place." He snuggled into Jacey, sliding his hand under her shirt and gently rubbing the smooth , silky skin of her back.

 

"Behave yourself, Niall James Horan!" Jacey whisper yelled at him only to get a cheeky grin in response.

 

"Ok, but just until I get home" he winked then blushed red making Jacey crease up with laughter. The one thing she so adored about the man in front of her was his embarrassment at the most natural things, even after all this time.

 

The next few days dragged by despite Niall having an almost constant stream of visitors to entertain him. He was wandering around outside his room for a change of scenery when he saw James coming towards him with a strained expression on his face. The moment James spotted him, he headed straight towards Niall.

 

"I'm sorry Niall, you're not going to be discharged tomorrow after all" James said and Niall's face fell and tears started to fill his eyes.

 

"But you said it was fine, I could go. Why can't I go?" Niall's voice cracked embarrassingly but he was too upset to really care.

 

"We've found a donor, Niall, an almost perfect match. Aoife has already been admitted for use to take her donation and the other donor will arrive very late tonight , We need to make sure you don't pick up any illnesses as your immune system still isn't fully up and running so you're going back into Isolation". Niall stood still and stared at james, his mouth hung open in shock "Niall, did you hear me? Did you understand? "

Niall paced his room, too anxious to stay still. He didn't know what he should be thinking....or feeling, right now. The treatment he'd received had worked, well almost, and now his hopes for a complete cure, relied on some technician creating 'perfect' clone cells, in the lab, from two separate donors. His Aoife! Niall smiled as he thought her name, wanting so much to help him. He could understand that, but a complete stranger? That was really something. He'd asked who the person was but Doctor Corder at told him that those on the donor register were granted complete anonymity unless they chose to waive that right. Niall had sighed on hearing that but had given up questioning the doctor. Maybe there was another way of finding out. He was so lost in thought, he jumped when his doctor and a nurse, both masked and gowned, entered his room and brought his mind back to the present.More tests, more needles. F.ck, it starts all over again.

 

Jacey stared into Niall's room through the viewing window. He was sleeping as the stem cells were slowly dripped into his body. He looked pale, with dark circles under his eyes. Whether it was nerves or something else causing it,, Niall had been physically sick several times . Unfortunately, due to his delicate stomach condition, it had caused another stomach bleed. They were able to stop it quite quickly with medication but it had further weakened Niall at a time when he could ill afford to have anything go wrong. The damage caused by his failed suicide attempts, though they were long in the past, was permanent and every time Niall vomited, he risked serious bleeding.It wasn't fair, Jacey thought. Poor Niall had been through so much over the last twenty years but it seemed never ending. The MS, that first, harsh experimental treatment, losing Caoimhe, raising Aoife on his own and now facing this new challenge. She felt tears sliding down her face as she continued to look at her husband.

 

"Doc says he's holding his own " Louis said as he through a comforting arm around Jacey's shoulders.

 

"I know, Lou, but look at him. Every time things start looking up for him, something goes wrong and we're back to square one. No matter how much I try to be positive, I can't help thinking of what could happen" Jacey's voice trembled as she spoke, unable to take her eyes off her sleeping husband. Louis didn't answer. He wasn't sure if he could say anything to her that was reassuring. Niall always looked so fragile these days. He'd never been a big person but now he looked almost childlike in stature and size.

 

"Com'on love, you can't do anything here. Let me take you home. I need some cuddles with my godson anyway". Louis took Jacey's hand and towed her away from Niall and out of the hospital, to the waiting car. "Things will look brighter tomorrow" he said as they walked. "Niall's a fighter, always has been. This will work and we'll soon put all the worry and stress behind us". Did he sound convincing enough ? Louis asked himself. He wanted to Jacey to believe that everything would be fine. 'But I want to convince myself, too' he admitted to himself. He gave Jacey an encouraging smile but even as he did so, it felt fake on his lips. Why Niall? He was the sweetest, funniest , most genuinely good person Louis knew. Why did bad things always seem to happen to him. He blinked rapidly, not wanting to cry in front of Jacey. He needed to be strong, stay strong, for her and for Niall.

 

The next days dragged by so slowly that Niall's family and friends felt that time had almost some to a standstill. The stem cell therapy was now completed and they were playing the waiting game. Niall was still in isolation until they were ready to perform the scans . So many hopes and prayers were wrapped up in the awaited results. They had finally allowed Jacey into Niall's room though she was having to be gowned and masked , and this time with each other, was so precious. But each visit made her more and more worried. Niall seemed so tired. His face lit up when he saw her but then his smile vanished and he seemed to lapse into a depression, not really speaking to her though content enough to hold her gloved hand.

 

Niall felt exhausted beyond belief and he didn't understand it. He'd done nothing but lay still in a hospital bed for days, yet he felt like he'd done five tours, back to back with not a single day off. His body felt heavy and his head ached almost continually. The one bright spot of the day was when Jacey came to visit and told him all the news from home. How the baby was doing, and of Aoife with her little one. To be able to hold her hand and listen to her soothing voice made him both happy and unbearable sad at the same time. It was bad enough that he was sick, he thought, but that he was making her suffer because of it ,depressed him. Part of his mind went back in time, wishing that Zayn had never......NO! Don't think like that, he chastised himself. Don't go there, don't go back to that dark place. Zayn had twice given him back a chance at life , he should be grateful, he reminded himself. But.....that dark place was calling him again, threatening to engulf him once more. Niall craved the temporary oblivion of sleep and was eventually granted that release.

 

"Jacey, thank you for coming in" James Caldwell said as he waved her to a seat in his office. "I wanted to talk with you before you saw Niall".

 

"What's wrong, something's wrong, isn't it" Jacey's voice raised an octave in panic.

 

"Please, relax, and let me explain. We, Niall's medical team, feel that the actual transplant went well though obviously we won't know if it has been completely successful this time until the scans are done. Our concerns are not with that however. Niall should be recovering steadily but his condition is actually declining, both physically and mentally. It looks very likely that the last bout of Chemotheraphy caused far more stomach damage than even we could have anticipated . You are aware that he did have some bleeding which we stopped ?" James looked at Jacey who nodded once, her face paper white. "We suspect he is having some sort of slow bleed."We'll need to operate but , I'm sorry Jacey, it will be a major risk He's not really strong enough to undergo surgery. We'll have to delay as long as is possible and try and get him more stable.."

 

"There's no choice, is there?" she whispered . "If you don't, he could ......" Jacey couldn't do it, she couldn't say it.

 

"It may stop by itself but, no you're right, to leave it for too long would also be a risk we can't afford." James hated what he was having to confirm.

 

"When?" Jacey asked, her suppressed tears making her voice sound husky.

 

"As soon as he's stronger . I've already contacted the surgeon. He's going to examine Niall shortly. He'll decide then when he wants to go ahead with surgery. He's the best Jacey, the very best. I'll take you to meet him." He tucked his hand under her elbow and escorted her to the second floor office where the Surgeon waited for them.

 

The grey hair Surgeon smiled sympathetically down at the pale and sweating young man as his probing hands made Niall whimper in pain. "Sorry, I know this is hurting you but I do need to do this. I'll be as gentle as I can". He finally straightened up then took Niall's charts from the nurse, frowning as he noted the results of the blood tests, Niall's blood pressure and temperature. "Well young man, I'm going to operate on you and get this sorted. We'll have you as good as new in no time" he said cheerfully getting a weak, half smile from his patient in response. Niall pushed the control on his bed that raised him up into a sitting position, his face suddenly contorted as an intense pain flashed through him and he vomited up a fountain of blood.

 

"Get him prepped for theatre..STAT!"

Jacey, Aoife, Liam and Louis gathered in the small waiting room that was close to the theatre where Niall was currently undergoing emergency surgery. Liam alternated pacing up and down with staring out of the window at the car park below. Aoife cried silently on Louis shoulder whilst Jacey stared fixedly at the clock on the wall, watching as the second hand swept slowly around the face of the clock, turning seconds into minutes and minutes into hours. And still they heard nothing.

 

Liam felt his phone vibrate and pulled it out to see who was calling. He quickly left the waiting room and moved out into the almost deserted corridor before answering.

 

"Hazza" he answered, his voice sounding strained even in his own ears. He cleared his throat and spoke again. "Hazz"

 

"How is he Li, is there any news yet?" Harry sounded frantic. He was driving as fast as he could towards LAX, having managed to get a seat on the next flight leaving for the UK. He hadn't even stopped to pack anything as Liam's call about Niall had thrown him into panic mode.

 

"Still in surgery. It's been hours. I'm so f.cking scared, Harry. I don't think he's going to make it. The surgeon said his chances were pretty slim and it would need a miracle" Liam's voice faded into a whisper and Harry felt his stomach clench in fear as he listened.

 

"He's got to make it. He will make it" Harry tried to sound convincing but he knew that Liam was being totally honest with him. It was touch and go. And Niall had been slowly weakened over the last few months, refusing treatment until his son was born. Valuable time had been wasted and for what? Harry felt tears pricking his eyes and he angrily dashed them away. "I'll be there as soon as I land, Li. Just hang in there". Harry terminated the call and exited the Freeway at the Junction for LAX. He'd be in the air soon and on his way. He just prayed that he'd be in time, what ever happened.

 

"Harry's coming" was all Liam said when he returned to the waiting room. The tension was so thick there that he felt he could cut through it with a knife.

 

"Zee is en route as well. He should be here within the next half hour or so" Louis added, replacing his phone in his back pocket. "He's driven down from Bradford. It was lucky he was visiting his family. I know Niall would want him here". Aoife let out a sob at the mention of her dad's name and Jacey reached out and gripped her hand, both women unable to speak.

 

Jacey jumped as her phone suddenly buzzed as a text came in. She read it shakily. "Taylor has got both babies down for a nap. He wants to know if there's any news. I don't know what to say". Tears glistened in her eyes so she blinked rapidly to stem their flow. She had to be strong, she told herself over and over again, like it was some mantra . And if she kept saying it then everything would be all right, Niall would be all right.

 

"I can't take this anymore, I can't, I can't" Aoife screamed, ripping at her hair."Why doesn't somebody come? What's taking so long? Why don't they tell us?"

 

"Woah, love" Louis' Doncaster accent sounded heavier than usual "They'll tell us a soon as they can. Not hearing is good..it means...I don't know what it means" Louis admitted "But they're doing their best for him. We just have to believe he can make it" But he understood. He desperately wanted to scream himself, to scream and scream until his throat was raw and bleeding. Anything that would break this endless waiting.

 

"And if he doesn't?" Aoife voiced the fear of everyone. Louis just shook his head and Liam stared down at the floor. None of them were prepared for that. They were all scared, so scared. It was the darkest fear for all of them.

 

"G*d" Liam said, looking out of the window. "It's a media circus out there. How the fu..... " He stopped the curse word from leaving his lips "how the blazes did they find out?" he continued. Louis joined him, looking out over the sea of paparazzi and fans that swarmed around the hospital.

 

"They don't care" Louis said tonelessly. "Yes, the fans do..but the media?... it's just some f.cked up situation they want to revel in. "The worse the situation, the happier they'll be." He turned away and flung himself down into a chair and glared at the clock on the wall, scowling at it as if it was the very thing responsible for the situation they were in.

 

Zayn suddenly burst into the room and stood, panting, as he looked around at everyone. His normally dark skin seemed almost white, he was so pale. His eyes were burning with emotion as he took in the despairing look on everyone's faces. When he spoke, he could hear the shake in his voice.

 

"Niall?" It was barely above a whisper.

 

"Still waiting" Liam responded. Zayn did one brief nod of the head before sitting down next to Jacey. He hugged her gently, not speaking further but she patted his cheek, acknowledging the unspoken comfort he was trying to offer. The room lapsed into silence, occasionally broken by a soft cough or squeak of a chair. It was so still that the relentless tick of the clock sounded deafeningly loud.

 

The swing door that connected the room to the corridor leading to the operating theatre swung open and all eyes were riveted on the man who stood in the doorway. He was still in his operating scrubs, his mask pulled down under his chin and his face was grey with exhaustion. He had no smile and Jacey's fingernails bit into her palms as she fisted her hands in anticipation of his words. He opened his mouth to speak………...........

"Niall has been taken to the ICU. I'm afraid there were complications during surgery and we almost lost him a few times. He is in extremely serious condition at present due to major blood loss and the strain on his heart. We'll do our best but I suggest you prepare yourselves. I'm sorry I can't give you better news". The surgeon looked at them compassionately. "We've done everything we can for him at present . I'm sorry it isn't more positive news".

 

"Can we go see him?" Jacey whispered, her face bone white with terror.

 

"Yes, but only two at a time please. I'll show you the way". He turned and they all followed him as he escorted them to the room where Niall was being nursed. Jacey and Aoife slowly went to stand by Niall's bed and bit back a gasp as she looked at her dad. He was surrounded by machines that beeped and clicked and had so many tubes and wires connected to him. Jacey felt her stomach drop as she recognised all the equipment. Niall wasn't even breathing for himself. She knew that he needed a miracle. By unspoken agreement, the two women left to allow Zayn, Louis and Liam to quickly see Niall.

 

The girls swopped back with the boys and sat in the hard plastic chairs near Niall's bed. Eventually Aoife fell asleep, worn out by the stress she had been under , Liam crept in and , scooping her gently up, carried her out of building to take her home. She never stirred, not even when they reached home and Taylor took her from his dad's arms and carried her off to bed, tucking her in warmly. "How's Uncle Ni?" Taylor asked hesitantly as he studied his dad's exhausted face, when he returned to where his dad was waiting.

 

"Not good, Tay. We've been told to prepare ourselves. How the f.ck does anyone prepare themselves for losing someone?" Liam's voice cracked with emotion.

 

"I don't know, dad, but we just have to hang on" Taylor hugged his dad . "You going back? I'll look after Aoife , Caoimhe and Louis. Just let me know..yeah?" Liam nodded and left to return to the hospital. He had so many thought swirling in his head that he wasn't sure if he was praying, begging for miracles or ….he just didn't know.

 

 

Niall felt himself floating in some weird black space, not knowing where he was , if he was awake or dreaming. He felt cold but hot at the same time.It was a strange sensation, he felt so tired, so exhausted. He just wanted to let go, to sleep forever and not have to wake up. HIs body hurt and he wanted the pain to stop. Some deep part of his mind knew that if he just let go then it would be over, the pain would stop and he could get the rest he needed. Why not? he thought to himself and felt himself go. The heart monitor flatlined.

 

"Stand clear" Niall's body arched as electricity shot through him.

 

"No! No! You can't leave me. Don't go, Niall. Please" Niall registered a voice screaming at him. He knew that voice but who was it? Who didn't want him to leave? Why were they upset? .The voice pulled at him as he fought to remember. Pain, sharp, intense pain ripped through his body as it jerked then flopped. That voice, begging him to stay,

 

"Stand clear" A man's voice this time, sounding urgent. Pain, more pain. Niall screamed this time. Somebody stop torturing him. Pain. It stopped abruptly and his world went black again.

 

"We've got him back" the doctor said as the heart monitor resumed it's bleeping. "Well done, everyone". He checked all the machines carefully before turning to Jacey who was locked tightly in Zayn's comforting embrace. "It's like he's chosen to put up a fight for his life. I've never seen anything like it before. Try and get some rest yourselves now. I'll be back in an hour".

 

Niall was back floating in his dark world once more, aware of pain and a strange aching feeling in his heart that somehow wasn't physical . That voice he'd heard was echoing in his mind. 'You can't leave me. Don't go' over and over, like some mantra. The words were binding around him like steel ropes, anchoring him to the pain to this place he was currently occupying. The voice sounded terrified but comfortingly familiar, still sweet even in it's anguish.

 

"Niall?" Niall turned his head and looked at the beautiful woman next to him.

 

"Caoimhe, you're here. You're really here".

 

"Niall, Jacey needs you, you need to go back to her".

 

"But…..."

 

"Go back, now. I love you, but so does Jacey. Go back" And Niall felt the pain increasing and he whimpered .

 

Jacey felt a wave of soft warm air flow over her briefly then it was gone. As she gazed down at her unconscious husband, it was almost as if someone had whispered in her ear. " Don't worry, he's safe, he's staying with you.". She picked up Niall's hand , rubbing it between her own. His skin felt warmer now, the chill gone.

 

"Niall, can you hear me? I'm going to take this tube out of your mouth. Can you give me a big cough, sweetheart". Niall frowned as the voice penetrated the fog and he coughed weakly. Instantly he felt a choking sensation then he could breath more easily. He struggled to force his eyes open. "There you are!" the voice said cheerfully and Niall looked up into the face of middle-aged woman. "I'm just going to give you some oxygen to help you" She fidgeted around him briefly "There, that's better. Your wife is going to be so happy to see those blue eyes of yours. I'll just call her". Niall nodded weakly then shut his eyes and drifted back to sleep.

 

When Niall woke later it was to see Jacey sleeping in a chair, her head resting on the bed. He weakly moved his arm and stroked her hair softly making her stir. Across the room, Zayn was curled up in a chair, tucked into a corner, deeply asleep, his dark hair sticking up in all directions, his long eyelashes fanning cheeks pale with fatigue and stress. Niall wanted to somehow comfort him as well but he couldn't possibly reach. He moved his hand down to stroke the soft skin of Jacey's cheek.

 

"Niall, oh Niall" tears flooded down her cheeks but her smile lit up her face. "Oh my g*d, Niall". Jacey sat upright, instantly alert.

 

"J..Jacey" his voice sounded rusty. Jacey grabbed a cup of water and held the straw to his lips.He drank gratefully. "Jacey"

 

"I'm here love . You scared me, so much" she whispered.

 

"Sorry…sorry"

 

"The doctor says you're going to be fine. I..we....Ni, we thought you'd....." Jacey broke off, too emotional to continue.

 

"I think I remember" Niall frowned as he spoke.

 

"Ni, you were ........ How could you remember? What do you remember ?"

 

"You'll think I'm mad but I heard you telling me not to leave" Niall murmured.

 

"I did but I didn't think you could hear me. They were working on you to get you back. I thought you'd gone".

 

"I think that I had..I'd let go but...... Caoimhe......she told me to stay" Niall blushed. Jacey would think he'd gone mad talking about his long dead wife telling him he had to live. Jacey stared at him, a strange expression on her face.

 

"I know, she told me" Jacey smiled at Niall a little ruefully. Maybe she was the mad one.

 

"Well Niall, I really didn't think we'd get you though this" The doctor admitted, having finished examining him. "We'll move you to another room and let you continue your recovery."

"Thanks, doctor. I think I didn't expect to be here either" Niall admitted "But I'm Ok, right?"


	43. Got These Scars on The Same Ground

I am OK, yeah?" Niall repeated when the doctor didn't answer immediately.

 

"Niall, you managed to beat the odds and survive when we didn't think you would. To be honest, your family were told to be prepared to lose you. Yes, you are OK, but this time it hasn't been without consequences. As you may remember, we still don't know the results of your SCT (stem cell transplant) as yet but we will do the scans when you are well enough. You'll need to have a few more transfusions to make up the blood loss you experienced which was, I might add, very severe. Your stomach has been so badly damaged now that you'll need medication for the rest of your life, as well as a special diet. We also have to do a few more tests as your heart has been put under extreme strain and we need to ascertain if any damage has been done there. You'll be with us until we make sure you are well enough to leave." The doctor spoke gravely and Niall's face fell as he wondered if this would ever end.

 

"Any questions?" the doctor continued.

 

""Umm..yeah... a few" Niall sounded so defeated when he spoke and Jacey caught his hand and held it comfortingly. It hurt to see Niall looking so despondent. Yes, he was still seriously ill, but he looked so...exhausted with life. Yes, that was it, she thought. Exhausted and defeated.

 

"Ask away then" the doctor encouraged.

 

"How long do you think I'll be here? I just want to go home" Niall's voice was quiet.

 

"It depends on how well you recover. Definitely more than a week. You need to understand just how ill you are, Niall. You'll need carefully nursing and we have to monitor you. Let us do our job and we'll get you home as soon as we can."

 

"I get it, but..." Niall sighed. He was silent for a few moments then thought of something he was anxious to ask. "I know my daughter was a donor but who was the other donor?"

 

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you. He wants to remain anonymous. You were fortunate he had the same rare blood group and was almost compatible to you. Between Aoife and Mr X, the cells were engineered to an almost perfect match. Hopefully this last transplant worked ". The doctor smiled at Niall " I'll leave to to spend time with Jacey then you need to rest". He picked up Niall's notes and left, stopping just outside Niall's room to speak quietly with the nurse before vanishing down the corridor.

 

"M'sorry , Jacey" Niall whispered as he turned his head away and stared at the wall. "I'm sorry you're tied to a useless husband."

 

"Niall James Horan, you just listen to me!" Jacey's tone was sharp. "You are not useless and I am not tied to you. I am with you because I want to be with you and, may I remind you ,the marriage vows are "in sickness and in health" so you had better get used to it, mister". Jacey was almost breathless with anger.

 

"But.." Niall started to say but Jacey ruthlessly interrupted.

 

"Enough, Niall! I love you and you had better accept it and stop feeling sorry for yourself!" As she finished speaking, Niall turned back and looked at her, his mouth hanging open in shock. "You are the most infuriating, stubborn, block headed man I know" she continued. "I'm going home" Jacey grabbed her bag and ran from the room leaving a shocked Niall staring after her.

 

The moment Jacey had left, the nurse came into the room and bustled about , adjusting the IVs that were delivering blood and fluids into his veins. Niall lay quietly as she continued her work, checking his blood pressure and temperature. Still shy, even after all these years, he blushed bright red as she checked his catheter. His own eyebrows drew together in a puzzled frown as he saw the same frown on her face.

 

"Is something wrong?" he asked worriedly. The frown on her face vanished as if it hadn't been there .

 

"No. no dear. I was just checking your urine output. You're very dehydrated but I can't give you fluids by mouth yet. Nothing for you to concern yourself about". She adjusted Niall's bedding "You try for some sleep now". And dimming the lights, she left Niall alone.

 

Niall's head rang with Jacey's words 'stop feeling sorry for yourself'. But he wasn't...was he? He just felt bad for Jacey, didn't he? Sleep evaded him as he thought thought her words. Maybe he was feeling sorry for himself, he admitted. He reached carefully over to his phone which was on the locker next to the bed, wincing as the pain reminded him he was only recently out of surgery. He scrolled through the contacts and sighed with relief when Jacey answered.

 

"I'm sorry, babe" Niall sounded so broken.

 

"No, I'm sorry" Jacey responded "I should not have ripped at you".

 

"Yes, you should have. I needed it" Niall admitted. "Am I forgiven?"

 

"Always" Jacey said warmly. "Now rest and I'll see you very soon". Niall ended the call after a few precious endearments. Phone now abandoned, he allowed himself to drift away, part of his mind on the anonymous Mr X. He was desperate to know who it was that would do so much for a stranger.

 

The doctor sat in his office, studying Niall's notes carefully. It would be a few more days before he was willing to risk sending Niall for the scans that would indicate success or failure of the latest SCT treatment. Things were looking promising on paper but he knew that that wasn't enough. There would also need to be some scans of Niall's heart. He'd undergone intense chemotherapy twice in his life, been resuscitated several times and his body generally placed on enormous strain on many occasions. He shook his head as he read. The fact Niall was still alive, all be it in a hospital bed, it was a miracle. He was so lost in his thoughts that he jumped when his phone rang.

 

" Dr. Morrison" the doctor answered then listened intently to the voice at the other end . "He's still very unwell, obviously but I am confident he will improve with time." He listened again then answered "No, the scans can't be done yet. He has to recover from the stomach surgery before we can arrange for them to be done." After the voice at the other end spoke again, Dr Morrison replied "Yes, Mr Caldwell is very hopefully. Niall is asking who the other donor is but has been told that Mr X wishes to remain anonymous " Dr Morrison smiled as he listened to the voice again. " No, no, you can rest assured, nobody will give him your name, Mr Malik.

Jacey positioned Niall's wheelchair under the shady arbour in the hospital garden then sat next to him, smiling as she watched him cuddle their son, Louis. It was the happiest he had looked in days. The scans that would indicate if the MS had finally been conquered had been done the previous day and now they were anxiously awaiting the results. Niall had been very quiet since his last surgery . He was obviously still not at all well and his recovery was moving at a snail's pace which frustrated him as he was desperate to be discharged from the hospital.

 

"He's grown so much" Niall said as he tickled his baby son's tiny feet. "and I've missed so much of it stuck here."

 

"I know, angel. But you'll be home soon and you won't miss any more.Just concentrate on getting well." She leant over and kissed Niall's lips softly. "Just do as you're told and it will be soon."

 

"Yeah, I know. But I'm sick to death of this place, the food and and being cooped up. I'm sick of constant tests then waiting for the results. I'm sorry, babe. I'll stop complaining." Niall gave her a small smile.

 

"Ni, it's OK. You've been through a lot and I know I said you were feeling sorry for yourself but really, you are coping with loads of stuff so I understand. I was just worried and..oh I don't know...when I screamed at you. I wish I could take it back."

 

"Jay...don't..I was being selfish. Don't beat on yourself. You only spoke the truth, and I needed to hear it. Let's just forget it and enjoy the sun."

 

Niall lay in his hospital bed , staring out the window at the rain that was lashing down. The sunny afternoon had abruptly turned overcast then the skies opened. Jacey had hurriedly pushed Niall and the baby into the shelter of the hospital then left Niall to the care of his nurse whilst she took baby Louis home for the night. He missed them both already though it had just been a few hours. He was so done with this place.

 

"Good evening, sweetie" Niall's nurse, Tina, said as she came into the room carrying Niall's charts. "How are you feeling? Did you have a lovely time with your family. Your son is a really cutie" she said cheerfully, lowering the side of Niall's bed. "Right, let's have a little look at you" and she began doing her 'obs'.

 

"It was good, but I just want to get home. I hate it when they have to leave" Niall replied.

 

"I know you do, sweetie, and I'm sure the doctors will get you home as soon as they can."Tina cuffed the blood pressure monitor on his arm and indicated to him to stay still and relax as the cuff inflated, the screen of the unit positioned where Niall was unable to see it. Once it had finished, she removed it and scribbled down something on his chart. "Temperature now, sweetie" and the put the thermometer in his ear, withdrawing it on the beep before again writing down the results. "Now sweetie, I know you hate answering this, but any bathroom issues?" Niall shook his head no, flushing slightly. "That's good. Now I just need to listen to your chest" She pulled Niall's T-shirt up and placed the cold stethoscope gently on his chest, moving it from place to place as she carefully listened before pulling the ends out of her ears and drapping the instrument around her neck. "All done, sweetie. Just your wound to check" She carefully removed the light dressing covering the incision from his recent surgery. "That seems to be healing very nicely now. Just don't put too much pressure on it. We don't want those sutures pulled out. Now I'll bring you something to eat then , when you're done, I'll come get you settled for the night." She smiled at him and left Niall to his own thoughts as he returned his bored gaze to the rain lashed window once more.

 

Back at the nurses station, Tina picked up the phone and dialled Doctor Morrisons extension. The call was answered immediately and Tina began to update him on the results of her recent checks on his patient.

 

"I'll drop in before I leave, nurse, thank you. I'll need to arrange for the other tests to be done as soon as possible. It may just be anxiety, but we need to stay on tops of things. He can be extremely evasive when asked how he's feeling. Anyway, I'll see you shortly, nurse." The call was terminated.

 

"I can't wait until I can eat real food" Niall grumbled as he surveyed the thick milkshake like substance in the glass that Tina put in front of him. "I'd rather have Nandos"

 

"I know, sweetie" Tina said soothingly " but your stomach can't handle solid foods right now. And you'll still have to be careful when it can. I know Doctor 'Morrison has explained it to you. Now drink it up, there's a good lad. I'll be back in a while." She left Niall glaring in disgust at his liquid milk. Sighing loudly, Niall picked it up and took a sip. Actually, it didn't taste too vile but he longed for proper food.

 

"Niall, you really need to drink more of it" Tina said exasperatedly. "You need to eat to get better. Doctor will only have you fed intravenously if you don't".

 

"I'm just not hungry, I did my best" Niall said fretfully.

 

"I know ,sweetie. Try to eat more tomorrow, OK". Tina swung the table away from over Niall's bed. "You pop into the bathroom and I'll tidy your bed so you can get settled down for the night." She helped Niall out of the bed and watched him as he slowly disappeared into the adjoining bathroom before she smoothed out his sheets and fluffed the pillows. She was lowering the blinds over the window when Niall reemerged , moving slightly unsteadily. She bit her lip looking at how fragile the poor man looked. "Right, into bed with you" She pinned her smile back onto her face and pulled the bedclothes over her patient as he relaxed back against the pillows.

 

"Good evening, Niall" the nurse and Niall both turned their heads and looked as Doctor Morrison entered the room. "I was just in the vicinity so thought I'd pop in and say hello. Since I'm here, I'll just have a quick look at you if nurse will kindly assist me." He approached the bed and Tina stood to one side, ready to do any task asked of her. The doctor studied the charts Tina had been keeping and raised his eyebrows at the readings. The incision site wasn't infected so that didn't account for the high blood pressure and temperature readings. Rapid heart beat too. But none of his concerns showed on his face as he examined Niall.. "You've a few tests to be done tomorrow, Niall'' he said aloud "but I prescribe a good nights sleep for you. Nurse will give you something to help and I'll see you tomorrow". He shook hands with Niall and left, the nurse following him." You did right to call me, nurse. I'll speed up the tests. Meanwhile, give him the medication I've prescribed" he passed her the written instructions. "Sleep will make him relax, which will help. I'll phone through the times of the tests to you soon" and he left to make arrangements.

 

"Niall, I know you don't want it but it's Doctor Morrison's orders. You don't want to get me into trouble do you" Tina pleaded with Niall who was flatly refusing to allow her to inject him with the medication the doctor had prescribed to help him sleep. He'd swallowed the pills he had been given without question but baulked at the sight of the syringe.

 

"All right" Niall sounded defeated. He knew it was stupid to fuss but he was so fed up with having to submit to everything others wanted. He flinched slightly as the needle pierced his thigh.

 

"All done, now" Tina put down the used syringe on the tray and covered Niall up warmly once more. "You have a good sleep". Lights dimmed, she quietly left the room. Niall rolled onto his side and curled up into a ball, listening to the falling rain and the soft sounds of the hospital at night. His eyes fluttered shut and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

"Niall, angel? Wake up" Niall reluctantly opened his eyes then smiled as he saw Jacey bending over him.

 

"Hey, beautiful" He pushed himself up into a sitting position. "What time is it?"

 

"Three O'clock, you fell asleep on me. Come on, up you get. Louis has already taken your bag down to the car. You've just got to sign the discharge forms and I can take you home." Jacey's smile grew even bigger at the thought of finally being able to take her husband back home. It had seemed like the day would never arrive.

 

"Here you are, Mr Horan" the nurse handed Niall a pen and he rapidly scribbled his signature, as anxious as Jacey to leave the place. "Here's a list of your follow up appointments, dietary information and your medication." Niall took the package from her with a quiet word of thanks then grabbed Jacey's hand and walked out of the room where he'd been stuck for weeks.

 

"I can't wait to get home and be with you, Louis, Aoife, Caoimhe and everyone. I hope don't ever come back here for a long time" Niall said fervently.

 

"Do as your told and you won't have to come back. But Niall, in all seriousness, you have to follow the doctors instructions. I know you hate feeling like they are controlling you, but you have to be sensible. You were luck this time but like Doctor Morrison said, this time there were consequences...serious ones..and you have to be careful" Jacey couldn't keep the worry from her voice. Niall could be so stubborn but this time he really did have to pay attention.

 

"I know, Jay, I'll be good" Niall grinned at her. "I'll refrain from wild living, all night parties and binge drinking" He smiled cheekily.

 

"All drinking, Ni" Jacey said sternly.

 

"I was joking, babe" Niall said, slightly hurt that Jacey even thought he'd be that foolish. He knew his stomach couldn't handle alcohol. He couldn't even drink tea that was too hot. He sighed as he reminded himself it was his own fault but the damage was done and you couldn't turn back time.

 

"Da!" Aoife squealed with delight as her dad walked through the door. "I'm so glad you're home. We're having a party to celebrate. Tay and Uncle Liam have the barbecue all fired up. Uncle Harry and his family are coming, and Uncle Zee too". She barely paused for breath then danced out of the French doors through to the garden.

 

"Wow, I need some of her energy" Niall said as he followed her out. He soon had his baby son in his arms as he sat in the shade., watching his tiny granddaughter tried to haul herself onto her tiny feet, laughing at the expression on her face as she fell down onto her well padded bottom. He was so happy to be home.

 

"I've been ringing the doorbell for ages" Zayn said as he suddenly appeared around the side of the house."

 

"Zee" Niall yelled and stood passing Louis to Jacey so he could hug his friend. "Where have you been? I've not seen you since before I had the last SCT done".

 

"No, sorry. I got tied up in the States. How did it go, bro?" Zayn kept his face expressionless.

 

"Good, it worked. I'm MS free" Niall grinned happily " Aoife and someone else donated their stem cells, they sort of got engineered in the lab and I'm cured".

 

"Cool" Zayn said and gave Niall another hug. " Jacey said that you'd developed other problems and they were serious, bro?" Zayn's voice was tinged with worry.

 

"Jacey's just being a doctor. My heart was damaged what with the intense chemo, and all the cr*p from being so sick but I'm fine, really. Just have to watch what I do." Niall was dismissive of the problem making Zayn bit his lip and shake his head." Help yourself to a drink" Niall waved his hand over to the makeshift bar that Louis had set up along with his son, Freddie. Zayn ambled over and was soon in conversation with the two men.

 

"Anyone coming for a swim?" Aoife called out as she pulled off her sun dress revealing a tiny bikini.

 

"Aoife, put some clothes on" Niall instantly yelled. "You're not decently covered" he blushed as his pretty daughter stuck her tongue out at him.

 

"Da, don't be so old fashioned. And I bet you ogled a few young ladies when you were younger" Aoife teased.

 

"Yeah, well, but they weren't my daughter" Niall huffed making everyone else roar with laughter.

 

"You'll never change, bro" Zayn laughed as he flung an affectionate arm around Niall's thin shoulders. "You swimming?" he asked.

 

"Yeah, think I will. I'll just go change. You?"

 

"No swimming trunks, bro" Zayn replied . "I could skinny dip" he added cheekily making Niall blush even more. "Joking, bro, joking" Zayn added quickly as Niall began to splutter. "Can you lend me a pair?"

 

"Yeah, sure, come on" and Niall led the way back into the house and up to his bedroom. "Here, these should fit" he tossed a pair at Zayn who caught them then started to undress, completely at ease. They boys had seen each other naked so many times on tour they never gave their nudity a second thought and they bantered back and forth as they dressed.. Niall was just adjusting the drawstring on the waist of his trunks when he glanced up at Zayn , seeing the familiar inkings that littered his body, the scars and marks that had been collected over the years.

 

"At least I finally learnt to swim" Zayn said laughing. Do you remember that video we did where they made me wwear those swimming arm bands as a joke? We had fun those days, didn't we?" Zayn looked up at Niall who had a closed expression on his face. "You all right ,bro?" he asked, suddenly worried by Niall's abrupt silence

 

"I'm fine" Niall replied briefly. "You ready? Let's join the party" and he led the way back downstairs and into the garden where Aoife and Taylor were splashing about the shallow end with their little Caoimhe, Jacey laughing at them. Niall sat down at the edge of the pool, legs dangling in the water, a strange, far away expression on his face. Zayn bit his lip then joined him.

 

"Bro?" he questioned quietly.Niall looked down at the small scar still visible on Zayn's hip . He'd seen that type of scar before, in the same place on another body less than thirty minutes ago. He looked up and met Zayn's eyes. Golden brown eyes looked back at him from a serious face. Niall felt his breath stop as both men stared at each other.

 

"You" Niall whispered.

 

"Me" Zayn replied.


	44. Psychotic Episode

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are not what they seem at first, bear that in mind as you read. I don't want Duckieluver to suffer too much!

F.ck you, Malik" Niall's voice was quiet but was still heard my everyone as it filled in a sudden quiet gap in the general buzz of conversation that surrounded him. He pushed himself up to his feet and headed back into the house, shoulders held stiffly. Jacey started to follow him, worry etched on her face but Louis put out a restraining hand and nodded at Zayn who had hurried after Niall.

 

"Leave him, Jacey. Let Zayn deal with whatever the problem is" Louis whispered then yelled loudly "Food is ready folks come and grab a plate." Even though he was kept busy serving out hamburgers and hot dogs, Louis kept glancing up at the house, wondering why his mate was suddenly so upset.

 

Niall flung himself on the bed and folded his hands behind his head, glaring up at the ceiling. Zayn stood in the open doorway then wrapped lightly.He didn't know what to say. 

 

"F.ck off, Malik" Niall snarled. Zayn ignored him and came and sat on the edge of the bed right next to Niall but remained silent. Niall continued to ignore him making Zayn sigh heavily but he didn't speak. "Why, Zayn? Why not tell me?" Niall finally sat up and looked at Zayn, a hurt expression on his face. "Why the clock and dagger stuff? The whole Mr X bit? Why?" Zayn shook his head and looked down. Niall grabbed his shoulders and shook him "You helped give me my life back but you couldn't tell me, Zee? I don't understand. Help me understand, " Niall's voice was laced with tears that he was vainly trying to suppress.

 

"I...I...You weren't meant to know but how did you......? " Zayn was confused as to how Niall had suddenly realised he was the anonymous cell donor.

 

"The scar on your hip. Aoife has one, from where they took the bone marrow from you both."Niall sighed loudly. "Zee, why couldn't you just have told me. I've been desperate to be able to thank the person who gave me a second chance".

 

"I don't want your thanks, don't you get it?" Zayn shouted suddenly furious. Furious with himself and furious with Niall for finding out it had been him. "Don't you f.cking see, Ni. I nearly killed you when I left the band, I nearly killed you by letting you think I didn't care about you. I didn't even have the guts to stay around you. All I could do was watch you from a distance. Every day, all I could think about was what I could do to make you well and happy again. And I got the chance so I took it". Tears were falling down Zayn's cheeks now.

 

Niall shifted himself onto his knees and pulled Zayn into a hug, ignoring the hot salty tears that were dripping down onto his shoulder."Zee, you have to let it go. It's the past, leave it there. You're back with me and the boys now. You've helped me beat MS. I want to thank you" Niall spoke quietly now, calmer, though still hurt that Zayn had kept something so important from him.

 

"But I nearly destroyed you" Zayn whimpered.

 

"And you helped put me back together again so thank you" Niall put two fingers under Zayn's chin and lifted it so he could look into brown eyes swimming with tears.

 

"I just wanted to pay something back. To...I don't know...make up for everything I put you through...I didn't plan on it hurting you, Ni, I just didn't want your thanks or your gratitude for doing something that didn't deserve it." Zayn sounded so broken that Niall's own hurt just ebbed away.

 

"Does anyone else know?" Niall asked cautiously "Jacey?"

 

"No, just the doctors. I insisted on anonymity. Please don't tell anyone Niall, please" Zayn begged.

 

"If that's what you want, Zayn but" Niall just hugged Zayn tighter. 'Come on, let's go join the party."

 

"Everything all right, mate?" Louis asked Zayn a few minutes later.

 

"Yeah, Ni and I had a sort of disagreement. We're good now" Zayn said quietly.

 

"Cool.Now come eat" the Donny lad gestured to the barbecue.." I've grilled some chicken for you". Zayn grinned.

 

Solar lights lit the patio as the sky darkened. Jacey and Aoife had tucked to two little ones into their bed and the adults were all grouped around, drinking and talking. Niall and Freddie grabbed guitars and soon everyone was singing along. Eventually Niall shifted into playing the old One D songs of their youth and all five men sang their own parts then harmonised together as if they had sung those same songs just yesterday. Zayn felt a strange sensation wash over him. He couldn't describe it, even if asked, but it felt like the tiny cracks in his soul were suddenly being pulled together and glued firmly shut. He pondered this as Freddie and Taylor started to sing a duet together and suddenly he knew how he was feeling..healed. He felt healed. He looked across at Niall who was cuddling with Jacey then met Louis blue eyes. Louis smiled and stood up to walk over and sit beside Zayn, an arm thrown casually over Zayn's shoulders. Like they had sat so many times in the distant past, before Zayn had left the band and his 'brothers'.

"I guess, Nialler found out" Louis smiled ruefully as he spoke. "I'm glad he did, Zee".

 

"I don't know what you're...." Zayn stuttered but Louis interrupted him.

 

"Yeah, you do. And I'm glad he did." Louis said firmly.

 

"But, you? How did you.....?"

 

"Doctor Morrrison left Niall's file on the bottom of his bed one day...I peaked" Louis smile was sheepish. "Always was nosey"

 

"But you never let on ?" Zayn's tone was a mix of relief and confusion.

 

"Nah, knew Ni would figure it out one day. I mean, it was obvious really. You'd donated blood for him several times , so you had to be a close match even if you weren't an exact one. Come on. let's have another beer. Hey guys, let's sing "You and I" Louis called out and Niall played the opening chords then sang the first lines

 

"I figured it out, I figured it out from Black and white...." 

Louis turned to Zayn and winked whispering "yeah, he did" then smiled.

Niall had been working hard . It had to be right. It had to convey exactly what he needed to say.

Niall threw down the pen and picked up his guitar to play what he'd written so far, Liam and Louis nodding in approval. "What'ya think?" Niall asked them both.

 

"Love it, the lads will love it too" Liam grinned at Niall . "It's sort of catchy , if you know what I mean."

 

"Think it needs tweaking?" Niall frowned as he studied his notes .

 

"Nay, mate" Louis said as he stood "it's perfect. Look I have to head out now. Freddie and I are going to watch 'Donny' play this afternoon."

 

"Couldn't you let the lad support a decent team ?" Liam asked cheekily and rapidly dodged out of the way as Louis went to clip his ear.

 

""Donny' are a decent team you tw*t" Louis grumbled making both Niall and Liam roar with laughter. "I'd better get going".

 

"Yeah, me too" Liam said as he stretched and rolled his shoulders, stiff from a mornings song writing. " I seriously need to hit the gym".

 

"Have fun, lads. I'm just going to tidy this song up a bit, maybe rework a few of the chords" Niall walked them to the door. "See 'ya both tomorrow." Niall stood in the doorway and waved to them both as they drove off. He was tired, he acknowledged to himself, really tired. He hadn't slept well the last few nights and his chest ached slightly. He'd probably pulled a muscle or two when he was playing with Louis. That little two year old had so much energy, he thought as he wandered back into the lounge and picked up his guitar to replay the song over and over again, adjusting a note here and there until it was perfect.

 

Niall finally lay down the guitar and wandered into the kitchen . Jacey was there, giving Louis his lunch. Niall grinned at the little boy who seemed to be wearing more food than he'd managed to consume.He even had food in his hair. Niall bent and kissed his son's sticky little cheek then went and wrapped his arms around Jacey, laying his head on her shoulder. He hummed in pleasure as she hugged him back, her hair tickling his neck softly. "Love you" he murmured as he finally released her and sat down at the kitchen table.

 

"Hungry, babe?" Jacey asked, looking at Niall who shook his head.

"Nah, I just need a drink" Jacey nodded and turned to make Niall a mug of tea.He forehead creased in a slight frown. Niall hadn't eaten much at breakfast that morning.He could no longer eat big amounts in one go due to all his stomach issues but had to eat same amounts every few hours. She sliced up a banana and a few strawberries as she waited for the water to boil and placed it in front of her husband. "Try and eat a little, Ni. You know you need to eat or you'll fade away". Niall smiled at her and picked up the spoon. He ate slowly. He really wasn't hungry but he knew how Jacey worried. G*d, he was tired, he thought finally finishing the fruit and taking a sip from the mug of tea Jacey had placed in front of him.

 

"Is the song finished?" Jacey asked as she sat next to him, he own mug of tea before her.

 

"Yeah, we finished it this morning. Took a while to get the chords exactly how I wanted them, but yeah. I hope he likes it" Niall sounded nervous.

 

"Angel, he'll adore it" Jacey said confidently. "You know he's really loved all your recent work".

 

"Yeah, but this is different ,babe. Zayn left the band because he didn't like the vibe we had. His tastes were really more out there. This song is a real departure from his usual stuff".

 

"But he seemed really taken with what he heard when you last spoke" Jacey said, rubbing Niall's shoulder. "And he's been really complimentary about everything you. Liam and Louis have written for others. I know he'll just love it".

 

"Maybe, hopefully, yeah" Niall grinned. "He's coming over later today to hear it".

 

"When did Zayn get here? I thought he'd not planned to come over from the States until next month" Jacey was immediately curious to know. "Are you excited to see him? "

"I'm looking forward to catching up with him again. Sykpe, FaceTime, is all well enough but it doesn't beat seeing someone in the flesh. It's been too long since he was here" Niall admitted.

 

"Not since you came out of hospital. You had that fight at the Barbecue. You never did tell me what it was about" Jacey commented, still curious. "I mean, one moment the pair of you were laughing . next you were cussing him out."

 

"We sorted it. It's all good" Niall answered.

 

"But you're not going to tell me?" Jacey persisted.

 

"Nope, so don't ask" Niall replied, leaning over to kiss Jacey to rob his words of any sting. Jacey sighed but knew the subject was closed.

 

"I'd better get Louis cleaned up. He needs a nap" Jacey stood and grabbed a package of wet wipes to clean the toddlers face and hands. "There, all done" she said, ruffling his hair gently.

 

"You gonna' nap with Dada?" Niall asked his little son as he unbuckled him from the high chair. The toddler gave Niall a toothy grin and wrapped his little arms around his Dada's neck. "I'll take that as a yes" Niall said and carried his son into the lounge where he stretched himself out on the couch, his son laying in his chest. Niall groaned slightly in discomfort as a sharp pain ran through his arm and chest. He mentally cursed himself for eating that fruit earlier when he hadn't felt like eating. It had given him severe indigestion, he groaned to himself.Louis wriggled closer into Niall's body which made Niall smile softly, his own eyes closing.

 

"That's great, Gigi" Jacey said, tucking her hair behind her ear as she repositioned the telephone."Niall usually has a nap after lunch, doctor's orders these days but he should be ready to wake up by then." She listened to the voice at the other end. "Yes, he's really nervous about it. He's afraid Zayn won't like it." Jacey listened again,smiling. "Good. We'll see you then and you and I can catch up while the guys work."

"Zee" Gigi bit her lip as she looked at her husband. "Maybe you should rest before you see Niall, babe. You look exhausted.

"I'm fine" Zayn snapped, and walked away.

 

"Come in Zayn" Jacey hugged him in welcome and ushered him and Gigi inside. "Niall's napping in the lounge with Louis. Go straight through. Oh, he must be awake now" Jacey observed as little Louis toddled towards them , holding his hands up to his mother for a cuddle. Zayn ruffled the little lad's hair then headed towards the lounge. Niall was laying still on the couch, his arm dangling over the side and a faint smile on his face.

"Nialler?" Zayn said softly, "Ni?" He grabbed hold of Niall's hand and went shake it . Then he knew. Three times he'd been able to keep his little 'brother' alive. There wasn't to be a fourth. Zayn fell to his knees, hot tears falling onto a face whose bright blue eyes would never open on this world again.

Zayn woke up, screaming , as sweat poured down his face. He didn't even register he was awake, he was so terrified. He'd been edgy for days and had finally taken a nap, exhausted from days of not sleeping well.

 

"Zee, Zee...wake up, for g*d's sake" Gigi caught his shoulders and shook him. He stared into her face, suddenly falling silent. "What's wrong, babe?"she asked, petrified by the expression on Zayn's normally calm face. He shook his head and broke away from her, curling up on his side in a foetal position, and starting to sob again. "Please, Zee. You're scaring me". But Zayn refused to either answer or acknowledge her.

 

Gigi stood frowning down at the sleeping man. Zayn had finally drifted back to sleep though it looked far from peaceful, he was tossing and turning, talking incoherently and she heard him say 'Niall' . She bent closer, concentrating, hoping she could make out what he could be dreaming about. Dreams were meant to be fun but Zayn looked and sounded tormented. She walked out of the room ,and into the adjoining bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet hurriedly to locate the thermometer. Zayn had been hot so perhaps he was running a fever and was delirious? Seeing what she needed, Gigi was about to grab it quickly when a small bottle caught her attention. It looked full. That wasn't right, it should be half empty. She pulled it out and opened it, tipping the contents into her hand. No, that's not right, she thought. There were too many pills. Suddenly she realised the significance of it all. Zayn hadn't been taking his prescribed medication. Bit by bit , the jigsaw pieces started to fit together. The erratic behaviour, the abruptly changing moods, the strange thoughts he'd expressed...so dark. She'd been so wrapped up with the children, it had crept up on her. She put the pills back and snatched up the thermometer again.

 

"Zee, I think you should go see the doctor again" Gigi spoke cautiously, not wanting to upset Zayn. "You don't look well."

 

"I'm fine." was the terse response.

 

"Zayn, you're not fine. You don't eat, you barely sleep and when you do sleep, you're tossing and turning. You won't even tell me what's wrong." Gigi pulled the bottle of pills from her pocket and held it out "and you've stopped taking your medication". Zayn glared at her then knocked the bottle from her hand and stalked out of the room. She watched as he slammed the door behind him as he walked into the forest behind their home. Sighing, she made a quick phone call , then followed. She knew where he'd headed. Whenever he needed peace, he'd go there. It was his spot, his haven from the world.

 

Zayn leant his back against a tree and let his thoughts wander to the past. This tree, this particular spot ,was his favourite retreat. He came here when he wanted to be alone, when he needed to think. He closed his eyes and Niall's face floated before him, his bright blue eyes twinkling. Zayn felt tears escape from his closed eyelids and trickle slowly down his face. Niall .....and Niall was gone. Zayn felt soft arms go around him and Gigi whispering quietly to him to go with her, that everything would be fine. He allowed himself to led back to the house but instead of going in, Gigi walked him to the car , opened the passenger door and helped him in, fastening the seatbeat for him. She kissed his forehead then closed the door and jogged around to the drivers side. Zayn remained quiet and unresponsive as she drove towards the secluded part of town where Zayn's doctor had his office.

 

Gigi looked at the clock as she sat in the luxurious waiting room. It was undoubtedly comfortable but she couldn't settle. She needed to know Zayn would be all right. that she'd done the right thing bringing him here. She turned quickly when the door opened and the doctor stood there, "Mrs Malik, if you'd come in" he smiled at her gravely and indicated a seat next to Zayn who looked confused, rather like a small child watching a magic trick and unable to work out how it had been done. He was sat in a deep armchair, legs drawn up, arms around them, like he was trying to make himself so small he could disappear.

 

"Gi" Zayn gave her a small smile and reached for her hand which she took ,then looked at the doctor.

 

"It appears that Zayn has been reacting to not taking his medication . Some of the side effects of withdrawal make the patient's anxieties take on mammoth proportions. As you are no doubt aware, Zayn has always felt he let a good friend down badly. As Zayn is very sensitive, this has built up in Zayn's mind into a severe guilt complex where he considers himself responsible for everything that goes wrong in that persons life. Are you with me so far?" the doctor asked, eyebrow raised questioningly. Gigi nodded and waited for the doctor to continue."It would appear, from talking with Zayn this morning, that his subconscious has turned from thoughts of this person into creating a sort of virtual reality, for want of a better description."

 

"I don't understand. What do you mean he's created a virtual reality?" Gigi was totally bewildered.

 

"Niall Horan. He believes that Niall is dead and he's responsible because he couldn't save him" the doctor said simply and watched as Zayn flinched when he said the name.  
.

"Niall? Dead? No, he's fine. I spoke to him just a few hours ago. We're due over there later today." Gigi rubbed her forehead, totally bewildered as to where the doctor was going with this. And why did it concern Niall? "Look, just what is going on?" Gigi asked "What's this to do with Niall?"

 

"In simple terms, Mrs Malik, I believe Zayn is suffering a psychotic episode. Whatever triggered it, has your husband believing that Niall is dead, that he found him dead, and he's not coping with the guilt it is causing him." Gigi stared at the man with her mouth open.

 

"But I spoke to Niall only this morning. He was fine?" Gigi reiterated as she was now totally confused "And you say Zayn believes he's dead?"

 

"In a nutshell, yes. As I said, he believes that he's already seen Niall and found him dead" the doctor replied.

 

"And this...this psychotic episode...you called it..this is why Zayn's been behaving so strangely lately?" Gigi questioned and got a confirming nod from the doctor. "So what happens now?"

 

""I've prescribed a change of medication for your husband that will have almost immediate effect. He's already calming down since our session. I think we need to return to our weekly sessions again, it would perhaps prevent another episode. I further suggest that you monitor his medication again. Zayn starts feeling better then he convinces himself he doesn't need help of any kind" the doctor said, somewhat ruefully. 

 

"I don't know what to do. Should we go see Niall today?" Gigi asked hesitantly "Or would that make things worse?"

 

"If I remember correctly, Niall's wife is a medical doctor?" Gigi nodded " Then I would ring her, explain what's happened and then take Zayn to see Niall. Seeing the reality and not his own 'virtual reality' should help". the doctor advised.

 

Gigi and the doctor continued to talk with Zayn gradually making the odd contribution. He seemed totally dazed and Gigi was doubting the wisdom of visiting the Horan family with Zayn in his current state but the doctor constantly reassured her it was the right thing. Finally, Gigi reluctantly agreed to trust what she was told and took a subdued Zayn's hand and led him out of the doctor's office and back to the car where she got him situated then strapped in for the journey back to their home.

 

"I'm going mad, aren't I?" Zayn suddenly whispered, sounding broken.

 

"No! No, babe. You're not going mad. You've not taken your medication and all the stress and strain you put yourself under just made you twist all the facts about Niall's health into a waking nightmare. You're not mad, just...well...stressed. You'll be fine, Niall will be fine" Gigi spoke comfortingly, her heart hurting for her sensitive husband. He gave her a half smile then turned his head to watch the passing scenery.

 

"Oh, the poor lamb" Jacey cooed when Gigi stopped speaking. "Yes, please do come. Niall's finished the song Zayn wanted. She listened as Gigi started speaking again. "No, no. It's not a problem, honestly. Ni is just taking a nap with Louis right now but come anytime, we can chat until the pair of them wake up."

 

"Come in Zayn" Jacey hugged him in welcome and ushered him inside. "Niall's napping in the lounge with Louis. Go straight through Gigi and I will have a girls 'catch up' while you guys talk.. Oh, he must be awake now" Jacey observed as little Louis toddled towards them , holding his hands up to his mother for a cuddle. Zayn ruffled his hair the little lad's hair then headed towards the lounge. Niall was laying still on the couch, his arm dangling over the side and a faint smile on his face. Zayn gulped.He didn't care what the doctor or Gigi had told him. He knew the truth. He walked slowly towards the couch, his heart beating so loudly he thought it would break through his chest wall, sweat poured off his body.

 

"Nialler?" Zayn said softly, "Ni?" He tentatively grabbed hold of Niall's hand and shook it . Niall's hand felt cold to his touch . The doctor had been wrong, had tricked him. Zayn fell to his knees, hot tears falling onto a face whose bright blue eyes suddenly flew open.

 

"Zayn! What's wrong, you look terrible" Niall stared up at his friend's distraught face. "Jacey" he yelled "Come quickly"

"He's asleep" Niall came back into the den and put a baby monitor on the coffee table . He shrugged when Gigi and Jacey both looked at it then him. "Just in case he wakes up alone and panics. So.." he looked at Gigi " can you tell me what the f.ck is going on? I'm lost."

 

Gigi settled back into her chair and closed her eyes as she thought about the best way to explain. "You remember when Zayn had those major panic attacks when he started performing solo after leaving the band?" Jacey nodded but Niall looked totally bewildered. What panic attacks? He didn't know about that!

 

"Ni, the boys kept everything from you then, you were really sick. Zayn got as far as being about to perform then he had crippling anxiety, and couldn't do it. He's had quite a battle with it" Jacey told Niall who nodded, frowning.

 

"Well, he had therapy and medication but it never went away, Niall. You know his dad passed away a few months ago? The shock of that , combined with his anxieties issues and he got worse. I didn't realise he'd stopped taking his medication, either. Well, then somehow his subconscious twisted all the information about your health problems, coming to visit you and his dad's passing into what they call a psychotic episode. Zayn's mind created a reality where you died and he found you. He wasn't able to separate fact from imagination. He had another breakdown.His therapist thought that coming to see you today as we'd already planned, would help. That he'd see you were alive and then he'd understand your death was just a creation of his anxieties. When you woke up, he just lost it".

 

"He'll be all right, yeah?" Niall asked anxiously "It's just this once? It won't happen again,will it?"

 

"His doctor thinks it was just a one off. The stress, the bereavement, not taking his medication and not going to therapy just got too much. But yes, he'll be fine Niall" Gigi smiled at the small Irish man who closed his eyes, lips moving silently in a heartfelt prayer for his 'brother'. "But how are you doing, Ni?" Gigi wanted to know. "Zayn worries about you constantly."

 

"I wish he wouldn't. I'm fine. I know m'heart's been damaged but I'm sensible….most of the time" he gave Jacey a sheepish look .

 

"Keep looking after yourself then, no funny stuff" Gigi's face went serious then she continued. "Ni, you mean a lot to Zayn. He never forgave himself for not being with you when you needed him. He did keep watch over you though, I know you know that now. If he could turn back time, do it all over again, he'd do it different."

 

"We all would ,Gi, we all would" Niall said soberly.

 

Jacey, Gigi and Niall were relaxing watching the TV when Zayn wandered into the den, still half asleep. He sat next to Gigi and curled up, head on her shoulder, smiling shyly at the others. "Sorry" he muttered "I'm so embarrassed right now".

 

"Don't be, bro" Niall smiled back. "It's cool. Wanna' listen to the song? It's finished and it is why your here". Niall grabbed his guitar and started to sing as he played. Zayn sat quietly, a stunned expression on his face. 

 

"Nialler, it's beautiful. It's........................" Zayn couldn't describe how it made him feel. Niall had put into words both the pain and the healing of a friendship that had gone so badly wrong yet managed to survive and heal. Zayn just shook his head as he listened, tears dripping down his face. But this time the tears were not caused by pain itself, rather it was the pain leaving his body and leaving peace in its place.

 

Niall finished playing and up his guitar down then rubbed his arm and then his chest, a grimace on his face.

 

"Ni, you all right, bro" Zayn was instantly on the alert when he saw Niall's face. "mate, what's wrong?" The anxious sound of his voice had Jacey and Gigi both turning their attention on Niall.

 

"Indigestion" Niall breathed out. "Had it since earlier but it's getting worse." He groaned slightly. Jacey suddenly went white and pulled out her phone. Everyone started at her as she requested an ambulance immediately.

 

"Ni, I think you're having a heart attack" Jacey announced and quickly started to check her husband the best she could, sending Gigi to get her medical bag. "Zayn, in the kitchen, soluble aspirin, quick" And Zayn was off , sprinting towards the kitchen to do as he was bid, returning in record time.

 

"You're fussing over nothing" Niall managed to whisper then his body seemed to convulse and he collapsed over. Jacey , taken by surprise, froze, but Zayn was suddenly on fire. He pulled Niall's limp body onto the floor and started CPR.

 

"No, you're not leaving me now, Ni" Zayn spoke through gritted teeth and he pumped Niall's heart.

 

"Sir, we've got it" a paramedic pulled Zayn to one side and he and his colleague worked to stablise Niall. "You did great" the paramedic stood up and praised Zayn. "Thanks to your quick thinking, I'm sure he's going to be fine." Zayn just stood looking at him, shaking with suppressed shock."Let's get him to the hospital".

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

Niall was chaffing at the bit to get discharged from the hospital. He'd been there just over a week and he felt fine. He just wanted to get home. He was relieved when his doctor finally arrived in his room to give him his final check up before he was released.

 

"He'll be fine. It was a mild attack" the doctor reassured them all. "He just needs to take life slower. Golf yes, football, no. Nothing strenuous ".

 

"I can live with that" Niall said cheekily, grinning " does that mean I mustn't wash any dishes..that's strenuous!"

 

"Dish washing..excellent exercise..three times a day" the doctor replied, grinning as Niall's face fell.

 

"D*mn" Niall grumbled half heartedly "Well, I tried. Seriously though, it's OK ?"

 

"You should be fine, Niall. You'll do cardio rehab with a physical therapist but yes, more or less back to normal. Avoid stress and over doing things physically but you'll do fine". 

 

Niall wandered around his garden, finally settling under the trees that shaded one corner. He sat down, enjoying the quiet and letting his thoughts drift to Zayn and wondering how he was. Time and time again he had owed his life to Zayn yet that man still could not forgive himself and let the past go. It hurt Niall to think that Zayn continued to blame himself. Gigi had told them that Zayn had returned to weekly therapy and was making progress and , so far, there had been no return of the episodes that had turned Zayn's thoughts into twisted imagination.Time was supposed to be a great healer, Niall thought, but how much time? Maybe now, Zayn had finally learned to forgive himself. Niall prayed so. He closed his eyes as he thought of everything Zayn had done for him and the love that existed between the five of them..Liam, Harry, Louis, Zayn and himself. Five complete strangers who had developed a bond as close as brothers. They were brothers, in all but blood. Their bonds unbreakable. Niall smiled as he closed his eyes and allowed himself to remember.


	45. It's Time, Niall

Niall laughed as his great -grandson ran away from his daddy who was trying to get the little one dry after pulling him from the bathtub ." Daideo Niall save me!" the little boy yelled as he headed straight for Niall's arms.

 

"I got you, Odhran" Niall giggled "The towel monster shan't have you". He pulled the tiny two year old into his arms as his panting daddy flopped down next to them both, exhausted from chasing the rambunctious toddler.

 

"You Ok, Daideo ?" his grandson Cathal asked as he looked up at Niall. "You're very quiet today".

 

"I'm an old man, I'm allowed to be tired" Niall responded giving his grandson a cheeky grin. " Here, take this little monkey, I have things I need to do." He passed over the little boy who now was sucking his thumb and yawning as tiredness overtook him. "I'll see you at dinner". Niall stood stiffly and walked towards the front door, letting himself out.

 

The Cemetery was quiet at this time of day and Niall soaked in the peace and quiet of the early evening. Once he'd reached the place he'd been heading for, he lowered himself down between the graves of the two women he'd loved so much, his Caoimhe and his Jacey. Time had been good to him, he thought as he arranged the bouquets of flowers he'd brought. He'd been blessed with so much in his life...wives, children, grandchildren and now a great grandchild. But he was tired now, so tired.

 

The light began to fade and Niall knew it was time to head home. Home to the house that had held so many memories and would hold even more with the passing of time.His home was always filled with love and laughter, the sound of children, voices of those he loved so much. He got to his feet and walked away, turning to blow kisses to the women who waited for him to join then when it was his time. "Love you" he whispered then returned to his car.

 

Niall sat quietly in his study after dinner, looking at all the pictures that surrounded him, both on his desk and covering the walls. He grinned at one particular one from when he, Louis,Harry,Liam and Zayn had found out they were to be made into a band. He felt that same joy again. It had been a wonderful time and he had loved having those boys as his brothers.Their friendships had been tested throughout the years but the bonds never truly broke. They were brothers still. His eyes moved then onto pictures of Caoimhe and Jacey, so different from each other but so much the same in that they gave him as much love as he had given them. Then his children, Aoife and Louis, with their children, his grandchildren. And now his great grandchild, his little Odhran. Yes, he had been truly blessed.

 

Niall climbed into his bed, weary from the day. He ruffled his still thick hair, now white with age, then stretched as he yawned. He was tired and needed to sleep. He laid down, turning to face the window where soft rain was pattering against the glass, then closed his blue eyes. His dreams were happy ones these days . He saw Caoimhe and Jacey standing before him, arms held out in welcome "It's time, Niall" they whispered to him and he smiled as he walked towards them, not looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
